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Will Our Difference In Age Make A Difference On Us Dating?

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Hi Barbara,

I’m currently talking to a woman who is in her early-thirties, while I’m only in my early-twenties.

I’m worried about whether or not she’ll think I’m immature, or if she’ll think I’m too young for her. We’ve gone on one date – I asked her to dinner. We got on so well, had plenty in common. We were joking the whole time and seemed to click with each other’s sense of humour.

My problem is she seems so settled. She has her own house. I rent with friends. She has a job. I’m still a student. Her friends do dinner parties, and mine like to party. She makes her own money. I’m getting in debt with student loans, and still rely on my parents’ support.

I’m probably over thinking – but anxiety is anxiety. Do you have any tips for dating women who are older than you? I’ve only ever dated girls my age before. I find this new woman very attractive. I’m excited at the prospect of things developing further, but also really apprehensive.

Hello reader! I definitely understand anxiety (as I’m sure you already knew!), and while every situation is different, maybe I can help calm your nerves about this situation a little.

First things first: “Dating” and “a relationship” are completely different battles, as I’m sure you already know. Some older women like the idea of dating someone younger, but don’t necessarily want a full relationship with someone younger. That being said, there’s also a big difference between “age” and “maturity” – mainly that the former is only an indicator of how long you’ve been on the planet. (And I believe in reincarnation, personally, so even that’s debatable.)

After one date, you’re really just getting to know each other. This is a good thing. This is the part of dating where the two of you are supposed to slowly learn about one another, without someone else’s opinions getting in the way. (Not that I don’t appreciate being asked! But in the end, you two are the ones who can define this the best.)

Next, in terms of your financial situation. You mentioned student loans, which tell me that you’re working toward a brighter future. I’m sure she knows how important it is. You’re supposed to be broke in your early 20s – but no one tells you this, or at least you don’t listen until once you’re a little further and finally starting to work things out. Since she’s already been through it, I can almost guarantee you that she sees this. (And, she’s only around ten years older than you – which means it wasn’t even that long ago she was in your shoes.)

I can’t speak for her, but I can tell you what I know to be true from my perspective. My partner is a little younger than me, but I’ve been “a grown-up” since I was about 12, so I got my stuff relatively together much earlier. For the first year or so of our relationship, she didn’t show too much ambition, but honestly I was so busy working all the time and keeping things simple with her – so it didn’t really bother me. Once we moved in together, this is when it became a concern of mine.

Now, I’ve already been to college and dropped out (and about to start back up again in August, wish me luck!). She, on the other hand, dropped out of high school in her senior year, for no other reason than she believed she had better things to do. I’ve never put formal education very high on my list of requirements in a partner – as long as they’re doing something with their life. They’ve got to have at least somewhat of a plan.

About a month ago, she finished getting her high school diploma, and I couldn’t be prouder of her. It didn’t make a difference to me that I’d gotten my diploma about eight years earlier than she had. She got it and that’s what matters. I’m sure your womanfriend probably feels the same way about your college diploma. You’re working toward something better, and you’re at an age that’s supposed to be awkward and not-perfect.

Now, back to the age thing: I usually date women my age or just a few years older, but because of how much of my life I’ve got loosely planned out, I tend to come across as older than I am. I’ve dated women a little younger than me, too – as long as they had their priorities together. You need to understand that your apprehension really isn’t about her age at all – it’s about how you are perceiving yourself.

My advice for you is to follow this mantra:

I’m simply shoveling sand into a box so that, later, I can build castles.”

– Shannon Hale

Incorporate it into your life in a way that makes it true for you. These words are powerful, and while they were originally about writing the first draft of a book, your 20s are basically the “first draft” of your life. Everything before was practice, and this is your first go. So give it your all! If she was worried about you not being established yet, she probably wouldn’t have agreed to go out with you – she sees your potential!


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