While the definition of infidelity is bound to be a matter of heated debate, many people feel that emotional cheating is just as much a betrayal as physical cheating – perhaps even more so, because it’s less obvious. Maybe this is a result of our society’s desensitization to sex and the increasing rarity of “true love” – but I’m not entirely sure.
One thing I know to be true is that emotional cheating hurts – often, it hurts everyone involved, as opposed to physical cheating (which usually only hurts the person who was cheated on). It can be extra hard on those involved because you don’t exactly have control over your emotions – so you could, in theory, be an emotional cheater with all the best of intentions.
Emotional cheating doesn’t often show the same obvious signs as physical cheating. There’s not necessarily a risk of STDs, for example, nor is there any easy way out. Even worse, the person being cheated on may find herself creating excuses for her partner – often without fully understanding why.
Friends, your intuition isn’t always wrong, so if you notice a lot of these signs in your own relationship, it might be time to look a little deeper. Proceed with caution, though – this is a tough accusation to get over.
1. You feel like you’re losing your mind.
One of the most troubling things about our inner intuition is that it can become confused. Even worse is that this confusion can cause its own set of problems – whether you’re rationalizing unfaithful behavior, or you’re picturing signs that aren’t there. Chances are, if everything is going fine and your intuition takes an unexpected turn, though – you might be onto something without noticing it.
For example, let’s say your girlfriend is still friends with someone she used to be romantically involved with. This alone isn’t a cause for concern – many people can successfully become friends with someone once the attraction has worn off. But if you notice signs that it might be more than that, and you feel the need to justify those things to yourself or others, you might want to evaluate why – and make your feelings known.
I often say that no one has the right to dictate someone else’s friendships, and that’s still true. You don’t have the right to tell her she can’t be friends with this person, but you do have the right to tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and explain why.
Most people respond better to facts than to feelings, so make sure you have some reasons why you’re worried. If you don’t have anything specifically raising red flags, there’s a chance that it’s just insecurities – and this is what your partner will hear when you voice your opinions. If, instead, you can list specific things you’re concerned about – such as her not letting you know before she hangs out with friends, and not responding to your texts while she’s out – this gives her an opportunity to modify her behavior if it is, in fact, just paranoia on your part.
2. You feel there’s something missing.
Emotional cheating exists to fill a void – but rather than a sexual one, this is a psychological need that’s not being met – whether because you’re not offering it, or your partner isn’t accepting it. It is human nature to seek out the things that we feel are missing in our lives, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
In some cases, this particular feeling is caused by the roles prescribed to us in a relationship. For example, if you’re dating a stud, she might feel that she’s unable to be vulnerable around you. If you’re dating a femme, she might think that she’s too vulnerable with you, and trying to cut it back. Whatever that might specifically mean in your situation, try to identify what the cause might be, so you can help to fix it – after all, you will both need to work together to fix this.
If you feel that your partner is shutting you out of some area of themselves, try to think of why this might be. Does she feel safe telling you her feelings? If you’ve belittled something that she’s told you in the past, there is probably still time to re-open that door. Make yourself an option for communication, and do your best to defer judgment. It may take some work to reconnect, but it is usually possible.
3. She doesn’t tell you things anymore.
Most people like sharing parts of their day with the people they care about. This is good – intimate communication, even about the stupid little parts of our day, helps us form a bond with one another. But if, over time, she’s not telling you about her day anymore, it might be worth paying attention to. Most people don’t just stop talking about an entire section of their lives – unless they’re telling it to someone else, instead.
What makes this even worse is that, sometimes, we don’t even notice it right away. Often a person will go to someone else for reassurance and encouragement because their partner has stopped validating these things. Essentially, this means that your partner is telling someone else because she feels you don’t care – so if you actually don’t care, you’re probably not going to notice the decrease.
Here’s where it gets really unpleasant to talk about: In order to get that part of your relationship back, you’re going to have to care. This is not a situation where you can fake it. If you genuinely find yourself unable to care about how your partner’s day went, the relationship is already over, but one (or both) of you was too stubborn to make the call. It’s time – consider this the sign you were waiting for.
4. The sex has lost its magic.
Not everyone connects sexuality and emotions the same way, so whether you’re still having sex or not can vary from one relationship to another. Some people will still have sex, but their mind will be somewhere else. Others might see a sharp decline in sex altogether. While all relationships are bound to go through changes in sex drive, a sharp change can be a sign that you need to look deeper.
Even though emotional cheating isn’t centered around physical intimacy, the two are often connected, at least slightly. For those who feel a deeper connection here, it can hurt a lot more when these changes take place – and for those who don’t feel the connection as strongly, it can definitely be more difficult to understand why their partner might. No matter which one you are, it’s important to communicate your needs – just be sure to be kind about it.
Particularly when we’re feeling sexually neglected, many of us are tempted to lash out with harsh words, but it’s important to realize that this is only going to make things worse. Take the time to fully think about what you have to say, and give your partner the chance to say her side, too. You can get past this, but it’s going to take honesty and compassion from both of you. If either one is not willing to make the effort, the relationship is over.
5. You find yourself being compared to someone else.
This is one of the most obvious signs of emotional cheating, because it is often straight-out said. If your partner is directly comparing you to someone else, it’s definitely time to speak up – even if it doesn’t mean anything, it means something – trust me. It’s never fun being told that you’re not as good as someone else, and a partner whose heart is still in it wouldn’t dream of doing that to you. But, she might not even realize it herself – so keeping quiet isn’t doing anyone any favors.
Please believe me when I tell you that this is occasionally a sign of something more sinister, too. If your partner is always comparing you to someone else, in a negative way, and it seems that she is doing it intentionally, you need to get out as soon as you can – this is an abuse grooming tactic that’s made to keep you in a position of self-doubt. You deserve much better than this.
If, on the other hand, the comparison isn’t always negative – but is revolving around the same point of reference – this shouldn’t be ignored, either, although it probably isn’t done with malicious intent. Many people don’t want to know the truth in a situation like this – which is usually a sign that things are bad. You’re not doomed, though. Many relationships can recover from this point – but it’s going to take some work.
So, she’s an emotional cheater… What now?
First, you’ll need to talk about the problems as you see them. You can give her the benefit of the doubt that none of it was intentional, but if she cares about you, she’ll still be willing to work on the problems – just to clear up any future confusion. She shouldn’t be doing all the work, of course – you will still be responsible for bringing it to her attention when you have a concern. If she voices some problems she sees, you’ll want to work on those, too – as long as they’re reasonable.
Even though emotional cheating is painful, most relationships can recover from it as long as both parties are still interested. But you will need to catch the problems as soon as possible – usually, the more attached someone gets to one person (romantically), the less attached they get to someone else. Your intuition should be able to tell you whether it’s gone on for too long.
Most importantly, you will need to make sure you leave the lines of communication open in the future – whether you two stay together or you break up. Emotional cheating will take a toll on you, and you might have a harder time recovering from this than if it were a physical infidelity. If at any point you feel you are unable to keep working on the relationship, it might be best if you follow that instinct – your heart is probably saving you from further pain.
The good news is that, by identifying all of the problems in the relationship (even if it resulted in a huge fight and a breakup), you will have painted a vague roadmap of the things you, personally, need to work on to be a better partner. Of course, some of these things will be specific to the partner who was cheating, but a careful analysis can show you what really does need to be fixed, and what’s just a part of your personality.
Remember, you are wonderful, even if you don’t know it yet.
Take care of yourselves, and each other!
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