Most of us have been through break-ups that have messed us up. These are the ones that we put our everything into and still they didn’t work out – they mess us up inside. The last thing we want to think about is the next girlfriend in line. We would rather take our time and completely heal ourselves first.
The truth is, the chances of success might be better if we applied this type of approach to all of our break-ups; that is, focusing on yourself and blocking out the idea of love for awhile. It seems like a pretty unromantic idea, but in actuality, it will help you be a better partner in your next relationship if you take more time.
Interested in learning about the benefits of this extra time?
Relationships are trial-and-error.
We learn about what we like by discovering what we don’t like. Break-ups actually help us to define what we want out of a relationship, but we have to allow the lessons time to sink in. Rushing through this “reflection” process gives us less time to think about the whole thing.
There is a school of thought that estimates you need about 3 months of single time to help off-set each month of “partnered” time. I think this number is arbitrary and there are a number of factors involved, so the time it takes to reflect will vary from relationship to relationship. It’s up to you to find the actual numbers that work for you.
When you are reflecting, think about the following questions:
- What did I dislike about what she did during this relationship? – This will let you know what you don’t want to tolerate in your future relationships. Of course, sometimes you may compromise on the less important issues.
- What things did she dislike about what I did? – Think of the things she may have brought up in your arguments. Verbal cues are a good indicator, too. These are things that you’ll have to evaluate – maybe you want to “fix” the problem, or maybe you don’t think it’s a problem.
- What things did I dislike about my actions or words? – Whether this was something she brought up or something you noticed on your own, these are things you will want to work on in the future.
- What things did I sacrifice during this relationship? – All relationships come with sacrifices and compromises, but the things that are important to you should never be sacrificed. If you determine something you don’t want to do without, make sure you stand up for yourself in future relationships.
- What hobbies do I want to revisit now that I’m single? – This may be something you sacrificed, or it may be something you always wanted to try but never had the chance. It’s always a good idea to keep yourself busy, particularly when you are healing.
- What do I want to improve about myself now that I have time? – Maybe there’s a class you wanted to take, or a new online business you had an idea for. Maybe you wanted to teach yourself guitar. Think of at least one thing you want to learn or invest in (whether time or money), and do it.
Modify the questions as you need to in order to fit your own relationship. Be honest with yourself, there is no benefit in fudging the answers. It may be that you have no answer to a specific question – and that’s okay. As long as you’ve given it its due thought, you can consider it complete.
A healthy relationship requires a healthy emotional state.
Humans, generally, try to mask their sadness with a new source of happiness. In the broadest sense, this is actually a good thing. We’re easily distracted, after all, and distractions can help to take our mind off the pain.
The only issue here is if you are trying to use a relationship to change your emotional state. Your relationship cannot be your entire source of happiness, or even the primary focus of your relationship. If you put that much emotional weight in any single place, you are setting yourself up for disaster if it falls through.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
Never let any one thing have so much power over you that losing it would destroy you – this is almost guaranteeing that you will lose it. Everything requires balance.
Mental preparation is a huge deal.
A lot of people don’t give themselves enough time to thoroughly evaluate everything and know what their needs and wants are before moving on. We briefly addressed this with the list of questions above, but more than just knowing the answers to the questions, you also need to understand exactly what this means in terms of your goals.
Those who keep a journal may find it helpful to write down your goals – I happen to do this about once or twice a year, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Two of the easiest ways to psychologically stick to your goals is to write them down and to look at them.
If you don’t keep a journal, you can easily do this freeform, as well. Sticky notes are great for this (and you can get them for pretty cheap, usually). Write each of your goals on a sticky note, and put it somewhere you’ll see it regularly. These goals can be anything positive, and you can even mix in inspirational quotes and motivation if you want.
It could be as simple as the notepad on your phone, too. Most phones come preinstalled with a basic note taking app, or you can download a to-do list. Set deadlines for yourself if your goal is something measurable (hint: the best goals are the ones you can measure and validate), and have your phone remind you about it. The notifications might be annoying, but it’ll remind you to stay on track.
Note that your goals shouldn’t be anything about finding a girl – this isn’t something you can (or should) put a deadline on. Focus on yourself, and eventually the right girl will come to you.
You should spend some time as your own lover.
It takes time to adjust to the single life, so if you must rush into a relationship – begin a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself better. Take yourself out on dates. Masturbate as much or as little as you want – this is your time to love yourself.
Particularly if you have self-confidence issues, it may be difficult to think positive if you don’t have someone there validating your flaws. This is something that society has drilled into us, through all types of media – it’s important to realize that the only person you have to please is yourself.
I’m not saying that all media and advertisements are bad, or that we should petition the “damaging” adverts that appear. I think that’s doing a little too much. We just need to take some time to appreciate being our own validation – break out of the cycle of self-hate.
Making measurable improvements in your life will help immensely in this area, as well as doing things that you are already good at, or things that make you happy. Learn to make yourself happy. You are enough – a good woman should complement you, not carry you.
Masturbation during this time is a particularly sensitive area of personal exploration (pun intended) because many of us don’t like to admit that we do it. I’m not sure where the stigma came from, exactly, but it’s almost 2016 – can we all stop being ashamed of pleasuring ourselves already?
You can be single without being lonely.
If you (like many women) tend to fall away from your friends when you’re in a relationship, consider your time spent single to reconnect with your besties. They were there for you before your relationship, they will likely be there for you now that you’re single again.
But what if, over the course of your relationship, you ended up alienating your friends? You might actually have to find some new ones. If you haven’t made any new friends in a long time this can be even more difficult.
Just set aside some time to meet new people, have new experiences, and reconnect with the important people in your life. Maybe, in time, one of these new friends will turn into your next love – but you shouldn’t try to force it.
A relationship should not be a Band-Aid.
Often we try and use a new relationship to make up for something we think is missing in our life. It can be nice to enjoy a little fling, but the truth is the pain will still be there, just under the surface. Rather than trying to mask it, you need to actively heal.
The time this takes will be different from one person to the next, and even the same person as they learn and grow. It’s hard to predict how long it will take in any given scenario, but rushing through it will yield disastrous results. Most relationships aren’t meant to last anyway, but rushing things will only decrease the chances of success.
Your mind will tell you when you’ve had enough time to properly heal. You’ll notice that you don’t really think about the pain from the past as much as you think about the hopes for the future anymore. You will feel better about yourself because you have improved yourself since the last time you had a partner. Because you have improved yourself, you will attract a higher caliber of partner.
You see how this works? It’s a constant cycle – and it’s up to you to determine whether you’re moving forward or backwards. The singledom after the relationship is just as important (if not more important) than the time spent in the relationship – treat it with the respect it deserves!