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28 Things Even Lesbians Don’t Know About Lesbians

Lesbians are mysterious creatures.
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Lesbians are weird. There’s no way around that. While we like to perpetuate the idea that “we know what women want”, the fact of the matter is that most of us don’t even know what we want – let alone what our partner wants. We have no clue about other lesbians, no matter how much we want to believe that we do.

Here is our list of the top 28 things that even lesbians don’t understand about lesbians.


1. Why do our exes suddenly get hot after we break up?

Of course, this doesn’t happen every time… But there’s at least one that got irresistible like 0.3 seconds after you dumped her – right about the time she meets the love of her life, of course.


2. Why do lesbians play with our heads and then tell us they’re taken?

Seriously, like you couldn’t say you have a girlfriend before we walk you to your car?


3. How much attitude is too much?

A little sass is great, but too much sass is annoying. Where does that line lie, and is it in the same place for both of you?


4. Why are most lesbians poor?

Why is it so freakin’ hard for us to find our success? (If you’re not poor, please, tell me your secrets!)


5. What’s up with the lack of sex once you live together?

Is this a real thing, or does it just seem like you’re having sex less?


6. Why do we call that one woman we only went on one date with, our “ex”?

It’s as if she meant as much to us as the woman we were with for 7 years. We need different words to denote the different types of relationships – and a different word to use for that girl we “talked to” for six months without ever actually dating. Sigh.


7. Why are lesbian dating profiles always so misleading?

Why is it so hard to just tell the truth? “Single, loyal, financially secure lesbian seeking same. Willing to settle for a nice body and a sexy voice. Must love cats.”


8. How many women in any given Women’s Studies class are secretly just trying to find a girlfriend?

Who’s just going to women’s studies to study women?


9. Why does the Women’s Music Festival not actually focus on music?

I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with focusing on women, but…


10. How come the more women there are in the area, the less likely you’ll hook up with someone?

Seriously. If it’s just you and one other woman, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to hook up (assuming you are both single and interested in women). But put 30 single lesbians in the same room, and suddenly all of us lose our game.


11. Why do our exes turn into better dancers after we break up?

It never fails. Baby giraffe when you’re dating – Paula Abdul three months later.


12. Why can’t we have a cut-and-dry break-up with another woman?

Why do we do the on-again, off-again, are-we-together-or-not thing so often? It’s so annoying!


13. Why do dental dams have such an ugly name?

It’s time someone came up with a new name for them. I propose “v-gloves”.


14. Why do we tell our current girlfriend how our ex was in bed?

It’s never a good idea – but it always ends up happening. If you think about it, how many total strangers know about your skills? (And do they know more than you?!)


15. Is it ever a good idea to call your ex at 3 A.M.?

I mean, it always sounds like a good idea, but has anyone ever had a good experience – or is it always full of bad decisions and regret?


16. Why are there so many (bad) liars in our community?

Why does everyone have an ex who took their side chick to the go-to lesbian hang-out? (I had one girl dating a coworker at the home improvement store… One girl who took her side chick to the water park my side chick worked out… OK, so I’ve contributed to this one before, but I was in high school!)


17. When will we stop offering to “stay (awkward) friends” after a break-up?

If we stay friends after we break up, it’s going to end one of two ways. A) We hate each other the whole time, and secretly try to sabotage each other. Or, B) We get back together and start back at square one. We know these are the only two options, but we still offer. Why?!


18. Why do we always fight worse on vacation?

Whether we go on vacation together (and fight super publicly and embarrass ourselves) or we go on vacation separately (and bicker over text messages the whole time), lesbians seem to be so much happier when we stay home. Sigh.


19. How come nobody wants us until we already have a girlfriend?

And then right around the time we fall madly in love with the girl we thought we were “settling for” (aka month two), all these sexy beasts start coming out of the woodwork. Grr!


20. How come straight girls who “dress gay” look gayer than I do?

Is that gaydar, or is it “please-be-gaydar”?


21. Or do I finally “look gay” now that straight women wear flannel and snapbacks too?

Aren’t “straight-acting” and “gay-acting” just about the same thing?


22. If one of us (in a relationship) asks for house keys, and the other one says “hell no” – who’s in the wrong?

And how often do a clinger and a commitment-phobe end up together?


23. Who gets to hog the remote?

And who has to make the after-sex sandwiches?


24. Why do we check in with our exes when we know they’re going to want to talk for hours about what’s new?

Why did we ever think we could be friends with the woman who cheated on us with her “best friend”, anyway – and why do we pretend we want to know how their relationship is holding up six months later?


25. Why do we hang onto the clothes our exes give us?

I challenge you to not find a snagged hoodie in your closet.


26. And why is it so weird when we see her wearing something we gave her when she’s with her new lady?

Is it really about the clothes, or is it the curiosity of what her new girlfriend is like in bed?


27. If a woman tells you she’s in an open relationship, what are the chances that her partner knows they’re in an open relationship?

And how many of them mean “boyfriend” or “husband” when they say “partner”?


28. Why do the fur babies always know when you’re about to get lucky?

My puppy cries. My old dog used to hide in the closet. And the cats always push their toys under the door. Seriously?!


What are some lesbian mysteries you wish there was an answer for? Tell us in the comments!


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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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