Wondering if the pain you’re trudging through is worth it? We dream of finding our fairytale romance that sweeps us off our feet… But we forget about all the frogs we might encounter along the way. (Yes, Princess Charming comes from a long line of frogs, too.) We get wrapped up in the ups-and-downs and forget to pay attention to our gut.

If you’re experiencing the following signs in your relationship, you’re not really in love – you’re just settling for a frog.

1. Your relationship doesn’t make you happy.

Everyone out there who has ever told you that “love hurts” is doing you a huge disservice. The feeling of loving someone else, and having them love you in return, is one of the most pleasant feelings on the planet. Love doesn’t hurt – but sometimes the person you love can hurt you. That doesn’t mean that you fall out of love with them – it just means that they hurt you.

Of course, all relationships are going to have their good days and their bad days. The occasional grey sky won’t take away from the beauty of the sunshine. But if your relationship makes you unhappy more than it makes you happy – if it feels like the grey sky never dries up – it’s no longer a good fit. If the person you were with truly loved you, she wouldn’t want to see you unhappy all the time – and she’d notice, or at least acknowledge it when you bring it up.

Only you can decide how much happiness you can stand. Each person is different, after all. But if you feel you’ve reached your personal limits, you and your partner will need to decide how to move forward. It’s hard to navigate a relationship that makes you unhappy and it’s not fair to either of you to force it.

2. You feel like a parent, an employee, or a trophy.

A happy, healthy relationship relies on both partners acting as equals. Some days, one of you may need to step up and take care of the other – such as when you’re sick, or when your partner loses her job – but for the most part, you should be taking on equal responsibilities. If one of you is continually acting as the sole provider, whether financially, emotionally, or sexually, there will eventually be resentment.

Now, keep in mind that some people aren’t accustomed to equal share relationships. If you’re starting to feel resentment and animosity toward your partner, it’s best if you bring it up to her first. It’s possible that she’s unaware of how you’re feeling and is just used to taking over a certain role. Additionally, some people thrive on a different balance in the relationship, such as one partner bringing in all the money and the other doing all the housework. If you’re not comfortable with the way the situation currently stands, you deserve to have your voice heard.

Sometimes, though, the damage is too far gone by the time we’re ready to bring it up. Maybe your temper got out of control and your emotions got in the way. Maybe you did bring it up, but nothing changed after two more years. It’s perfectly okay to let go of someone who isn’t ready to value you. You have no obligation to stick around while they learn how to treat you with respect.

3. She’s not ready to take the next step – at work, in your relationship, and in her life in general.

Let’s say you’ve been waiting around for the past four years for her to finally declare a major so she can graduate and get a job. Maybe you’ve been together for six years and you think it’s high time she proposed. Maybe she’s been working behind the counter at the local café since the day you met her, while you’ve recently been promoted to executive supervisor at the law firm you interned at. Whatever steps she should be taking, she’s not taking them – and you’re leaving her in the dust trails behind you.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: You do not have the right to push anyone into a change they’re not ready to make. You can help keep her on the path she’s chosen for herself, and make sure she doesn’t lose motivation. You can even give her career advice, when asked, in an effort to help her clarify her passions and goals.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to stay with someone who’s not keeping up with the pace you want. You aren’t responsible for making sure she achieves her dreams, but you are responsible for making your own dreams happen. It’s perfectly acceptable to leave her in your past if that’s where she wants to stay.

4. You’ve sacrificed more than you’ve gained.

There’s a misconception that relationships are about sacrifice, 50-50. That’s a bunch of bullshit if I ever heard any. If you’re actively sacrificing in your relationship, either you’re making yourself a martyr, or your partner doesn’t really love you. Being in love entails that you would put your partner’s needs ahead of your own, at least some of the time. But if it doesn’t go both ways, you’re just being used.

I know it can be tempting to give yourself fully to someone, especially if you think they “should be” perfect for you. I’ve been there, time and time again (because apparently I never learn). But you shouldn’t have to give up who you are or where you come from in order to make your partner happy. You also shouldn’t have to ask yourself what you’re getting out of it – because when you and your partner are truly in love with one another, you don’t need to keep score.

Now, because you shouldn’t actually be keeping score, it is completely normal for things to get a little skewed – so make sure you’re discussing your partner’s needs with her, too. She may be losing herself, too, and it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with either one of you – you’re just not right for each other.

5. You’re afraid for your physical or emotional wellbeing.

As much as I wish I could tell you that abusive relationships only happen in after-school specials or to “other people”, the reality is that anyone can be in an abusive relationship, and getting out isn’t as simple as it might look from the outside. Outsiders might find themselves judging the person who stays, or they might judge the person who leaves. There’s no real way to tell what could happen next, so we hope for the best with the choices we make.

In this situation, our empathetic nature takes over and we try to put ourselves in everyone else’s shoes. We base our decisions on what we would do if we were looking at the situation from the outside, instead of remembering that we are the ones stuck in our situation. The only person whose happiness we’re responsible for is our own. You can’t fix a person who doesn’t respect you, and you don’t deserve to stay in a life of fear. You deserve so much better.

One of the scariest parts of being in an abusive relationship is that the abuser may make you question whether you’re imagining it all. Other people might not see the horrible things that happen, because your abuser is on their best behavior when there are witnesses. They may even try to convince you that you’re getting what you deserve – but I promise you, the person who really loves you would never intentionally hurt you. Please, seek help from a trusted friend or family member, and get out as soon as you can. Don’t wait until it escalates to violence.