Have you ever wondered why there seem to be so many unfaithful women out there? I feel like probably half of my past relationships have ended due to cheating, at least in part. I don’t think it’s really just our community, either – I think a lot of society is forgetting how to be monogamous.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with open relationships. But, in some ways, the prevalence and acceptance of open relationship makes the concept of cheating even more ridiculous. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in our recent history, besides maybe the free love generation, where it was so socially acceptable to have multiple partners. Why, then, do women who want open relationships choose to be with women who want exclusivity?
Now, I can’t pretend I’m totally innocent here, either. I’ve been in open relationships in the past, and I’ve forgiven people who weren’t very good at the whole one-woman-only thing. I’ve even tried the open relationship thing with a woman who had already cheated on me before – and that didn’t really work out, either.
If you’re thinking about getting back with the woman who cheated on you before – even if you’re thinking about trying the open relationship thing – I’ve got a few things to tell you first.
1. People can change, but that doesn’t mean they will.
I’m definitely up for giving people second chances. Sometimes I even give three, four, or five chances, because apparently I never learn. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these second chances, it’s that not everyone will appreciate the second chance.
Change isn’t automatic. Even if someone really wants to change, that isn’t going to guarantee their success. (Of course, if they don’t want to make the change, it is pretty much guaranteed that they’ll fail.) The idea of the second chance is wonderful, and you shouldn’t hold their previous mistakes against them. But, be aware of the potential for patterns – and if they seem to be falling back into their old habits, break free while your heart is still intact.
2. Not everyone can handle being in a poly relationship.
When I was 18, I became the third person in an already-established relationship. One of the people in this relationship lacked in self-confidence, and it made the entire experience a bit painful and awkward – for all three of us. She had agreed to open their relationship up to a third person in order to stop her partner from sneaking around, but she found the thought of her partner sleeping with someone else just as infuriating whether she knew about it or not.
Likewise, not every couple can handle being in a poly relationship – even if they’ve both been in poly relationships previously. After my teenage tryst, I tried to enter into another polyamorous relationship, this time with my girlfriend and I being the established couple. Despite all the things I thought I knew about myself, I wasn’t able to deal with the idea of sharing her – and I found myself quickly losing interest in both of the women. Surprisingly, the last I heard, the two of them are still together and just as happy as ever.
3. You don’t owe her a second chance.
It doesn’t matter how long you two were together, or how long she had known the person she cheated with, or how drunk she was. She lost your trust, you broke up with her, and that’s the end of any “obligation”. You owe it to yourself to take time to heal, and to reach a point of closure within yourself. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to forgive her or rehash things “for old time’s sake” in order to get closure. You simply need to make peace with your own past, and find a way to learn from it.
However – if you do choose to give her a second chance – you cannot bring up the mistakes that happened before you two broke up. Forgiveness means that you two start over at Trust Square One. If you don’t think that you can keep the past in the past, you aren’t ready to get back together yet. Take some more time for yourself and decide whether you really need this relationship or not.
4. She doesn’t owe you anything, either.
Although it sucks to think about, just because you’ve forgiven her doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to want to take you back. Sometimes, people cheat because they’re unhappy in the relationship, and while that’s still a poor excuse for disrespectful behavior, it does mean that she might not want to get back together.
Remember that your relationship, and your break-up, both involve two people. Don’t accidentally trick yourself into thinking you have the upper hand. The best option is usually to leave the broken relationship alone – there are probably reasons it didn’t work out.
5. She’s probably not your happy ending.
Listen, I understand the desire to hang onto the past. Even though we know life is all about change, humans are creatures of habit, and we get used to the idea of being with someone. We tell ourselves that we’ve readjusted our expectations and our priorities, and our partner has probably done the same. The only problem is that’s a lie, most of the time. Sure, sometimes people make a mistake, and then spend the rest of their lives being amazingly awesome. But, usually, these people are fictional characters played by professional actors – not real people who are actually in the dating pool.
Certain relationship problems deal with timing. For example, if you break up because your work schedules are too crazy, or because you had to move across the country, these are almost always temporary things – and, in the future, when your paths cross, you might think it’s fate. Cheating, on the other hand, is a personal choice that resulted in the end of the relationship – not just a matter of simple circumstance. Unless her beliefs about relationships have changed, she’s not in it for the long haul.
6. There’s no such thing as a soul mate.
I’m betting that probably sounds really negative, but I promise you – it’s quite the opposite. There is no such thing as one perfect person for you. Anyone you ever date is going to have flaws, and it’s up to you to decide which flaws are worth living with. If that means getting back together with someone who was unfaithful, then that’s your decision. If she wants the relationship just as much, she’ll work to be a better partner, too. But you can’t expect her to change more than you do. After all, love is about compromise and balance, and if the two of you can’t find a way to agree on the solution, the relationship will never last.
Above all else, you need to remember that you don’t need any one particular person in your life. Sure, sometimes our lives seem better when there’s someone standing in our corner, so to speak, but there’s no reliable way to predict who that person will be. Just focus on the present moment, and try to let go of your need to be in control. If the universe wants it to be, it will be.
