Coming Out is hard to do, and it’s amazing how curious everyone suddenly becomes. But how to handle the questioning? Like a grown up, with dignity and respect? Or if you fancy having little fun with it, here’s how.
Warning: Heavy Sarcasm. Don’t use these on Grandma.
Question One – “Isn’t it just because you hate men? Like, did some guy piss you off or something?”
Acceptable Answer – No, I am attracted to women. It’s normal.
Tempting Answer – Well obviously. I had a boyfriend once who fancied Jennifer Aniston. When he told me about it, my world fell apart and I am so emotionally scarred by it that I can now only bring myself to be with women. I frequently text my ex and tell him that he’s the reason I am now a lesbian and that he should feel truly ashamed of himself for causing me to make such a catastrophic and unnatural change to my lifestyle.
Also read: 5 Common Misconceptions About Lesbians
Question Two – “Will you have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?”
Acceptable Answer – Thank you, I’m flattered, but no.
Tempting Answer – Hooray! I’ve been just dying for you to ask. Of course, I’d love to, and can’t imagine that turning out awkward or humiliating at all. You have no idea how rare it is to find someone who knows that the only reason I became a lesbian was so that I could spice up the sex lives of couples all over the country who are struggling in the bedroom. Would you consider filming us, too, please? I wouldn’t want you not being able to show your friends.
Question Three – “Do you use a dildo?”
Acceptable Answer – Sometimes, depending on personal preference and availability of such object.
Tempting Answer – Of course. How else would we be able to get each other off? The presence of a phallic object is essential in lesbian sex. We can’t possibly do without them.
Question Four – (From a female friend) “Do you fancy me, then?”
Acceptable Answer – There is no acceptable answer to this. A “No” is insulting and a “Yes” makes everyone uncomfortable. You can’t win this question.
Tempting Answer – Yes, you’re the reason I became a lesbian. *Longing Stare*
Question Five – “But, like, how can you bring yourself to actually… You know… *Go down on a woman*?”
Acceptable Answer – It was a strange concept at first but once you’ve taken the plunge its not at all what you’d expect.
Tempting Answer – This coming from someone who willingly puts a penis in their mouth? Trust me, women are far more concerned with hygiene and general maintenance than men. And nothing shoots out at the end into your mouth and/or eyes. (Usually…). It’s like riding a bike – Once you’ve got the hang of it, it’s actually good fun and gets you from A to B a lot faster than other methods…
Question Six – “Isn’t a Strap-On uncomfortable?”
Acceptable Answer – No, they’re designed to be “user-friendly”.
Tempting Answer – Horribly. It’s like sand-paper to the vagina. You know how stopping to put a condom on can really ruin the mood? Imagine having to spend a considerable amount of time attaching a harness, complete with buckles and adjustable straps, right in the middle of all the fun. I think they design them that way to try to put us off our sinful ways.
Question Seven – *sigh* “I wish I could be a lesbian. I bet you just sit around painting each others toenails and watching rom-coms with face packs on?”
Acceptable Answer – Sometimes, but we also enjoy a wide array of activities too.
Tempting Answer – Yes, you’ve hit the nail right on the head. Once you’ve become a lesbian, you’re required to remove all traces of men and your former hetero lifestyle from your home. They won’t sell me a ticket to any movie that Ellen Degeneres hasn’t approved and I can only shop at men’s clothing stores. My partner and I spend our time wandering around the house together, discussing waxing methods, deep conditioning our hair and hoping our menstrual cycles will sync up.
Question Eight – “But, like, how do you define if you’ve had sex if nothings *gone in*?”
Acceptable Answer – We define sex as sexual activity that goes beyond heavy petting.
Tempting Answer – Well obviously we don’t call it sex, it can’t be. God said sex is between a man and a woman, and so it would be a sin to regard ourselves as having intercourse. We just try not to think about it and hope that our eternal souls will be forgiven when the day of judgement comes.
Question Nine – “Don’t you think you’ll end up with a man?”
Acceptable Answer – No. Just like you’re not going to end up with a donkey. Once again… I am not attracted to men.
Tempting Answer – God I hope so. This lesbian phase of mine is becoming tiring. Here’s hoping that man will show up soon and make sure I’m cured of this anomaly once and for all. It’s been exhausting pretending to like women just to turn on men. I can’t wait to get married to a man, just like we all should, and finally be normal again.