Ladies, have you ever been with someone who was just so lousy in bed that you couldn’t help but think to yourself, “WTF was that?” I know I’ve been there, and it’s super disappointing – especially when you care about the person. For many of us, this is a huge cycle, though. We don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings, but we also kinda don’t want to have our partner keep being terrible. What do you do in a situation like this?
The answer is typically something as simple as, well, do it yourself. When you take a hands-on approach to your own sexual satisfaction, you’re taking responsibility for whether or not you finish. But it might be helpful in other ways, too – curious as to what those reasons are?
Masturbation helps you become more comfortable with your own body.
As much as we want to believe that it’s our partner’s fault if we don’t reach orgasm, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, an inability to orgasm comes from a lack of comfort within ourselves. I’m not talking fuzzy-pants-and-no-bra comfort here (although that definitely doesn’t hurt), I’m talking about our actual self-confidence.
Think about it for a minute. When you’re having sex with a partner, you’re opening yourself up for their judgment, even if they’re not actually judging you. We worry about the faces we make, the noises we make, whether we’re taking too long, and a slew of other things that basically puts us at their mercy. And if you’re not comfortable with the idea of handling these things on our own, we can’t really be comfortable with handling them with a partner.
With enough practice, you can learn to ignore these things (our faces and moans) because we’re just focused on what feels good. Unfortunately, this practice isn’t always easy with a partner, because we’ll still be actively self-conscious the whole time. This isn’t really a “face your fears head-on” situation.
When you become more comfortable and less self-aware during sex, you can really let go – which will make your sensuality explode. Being able to harness this power and use it when you’re with a partner won’t likely come naturally, but practicing by yourself can help.
Masturbation helps you figure out what you like.
I’m a firm believer in the whole “don’t knock it ‘till you try it” ideology. That’s pretty much paved the way for my sexual exploration, both with and without a partner (and helps me to understand why I went “back in the closet” for a while as a teenager). If you haven’t tried something, you really don’t know if you like it or not – right?
Of course, trying new things with your partner is great, too, especially if you have a strong connection with that partner. But sometimes trying new things “with an audience” (even if that audience member is an active participant) can be stressful. As I said in my first point, we are overly-conscious of everything that’s happening with our bodies when we have sex – and this is something we have to un-learn.
Besides, wouldn’t it be great if your partner asks “What do you want me to do to you?” and you already have an answer prepared – or maybe even ten?
Even if you’re doing the exact same things with your partner that you’d do with yourself, it will feel different, because your partner can reach different angles with you – unless you happen to be super flexible or have really long arms. (I’m pretty flexible myself, but I’ve got “T-Rex Arms” – I feel like they’re much too short to reach the best positions by myself.)
This change makes it to where there is still an element of surprise, even if it’s something you’ve done by yourself a million times – making it a valuable “first” no matter how much you’ve fantasized about it before.
Masturbation helps you focus on yourself.
“Wait… I thought you said we shouldn’t focus on ourselves while we masturbate?” Well, that’s true – but only in regards to your body. Masturbation helps you focus on your mind, the mental aspect of the orgasm, and lets you guarantee yourself an orgasm. Or, if it’s just not working out like that, you can tap out without leaving anyone unsatisfied or disappointed.
Masturbating is completely personal. You are giving yourself permission to be your own top priority. Of course, the best sexual partners will also put your orgasm ahead of their own – at least until it’s their “turn” – but there’s never a guarantee with it. Sometimes, we get greedy – and that’s perfectly OK!
The only problem is that selfishness in the bedroom can be super frustrating to the person who’s tasked with “giving” all the time. Most women aren’t willing to always be the giver; sex should (ideally) satisfy everyone involved.
But when you’re masturbating, you’re the only one involved – so you’re the only one who matters.
Masturbation helps you guide your partner.
Some of us lack confidence with expressing what we want, even if we know exactly what it is. This is because many people are visual thinkers – we don’t think in words, we think in pictures. If you’re not a skilled communicator, you might not be able to translate between the two concepts.
Masturbation helps, because you learn the “directions” through doing, and you can tell your partner how far off they are. You’ve already explored your own personal road map, and you know the difference in feelings. You know where she should go, because you’ve gone “the wrong way” too.
When you masturbate, you’re exploring yourself and becoming more acquainted with your own body. In a lesbian relationship, this can even help to give you ideas about what to do to your partner, because the anatomy is going to be similar.
It should be noted, though, that just because the anatomy is similar doesn’t mean that the turn-ons are going to be exactly the same. Every woman is different, and it’s imperative that you take the time to learn what your partner actually wants – and not just go with what you like. Let it guide you, but let your partner guide you more.
Masturbation helps you stay in-the-moment.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the idea that you should masturbate before a date to keep lust at bay, and focus on the actual person you’re dating. In some ways, this can be translated to the sex as well. If we’re hung up on the idea of getting off, we can become frustrated if we don’t get there quickly.
Whereas if we’ve already gotten ourselves off earlier in the day, we can focus on enjoying the journey.
Of course, a skilled lover will be able to do this anyway – but not everyone has the patience for delayed gratification, and this is where masturbation is so important. We all know that longer sex = better sex in most cases, so trying to race to the finish line isn’t really a great idea.
When you’ve masturbated before your sexual activity (or when you spend a great deal of time getting to know yourself anyway) there’s no rush to climax because you know that, if your partner doesn’t do it for you, you can do it yourself after she leaves or falls asleep.
Masturbation makes sex last longer.
Okay, this is sort of an over-generalization. Typically, the “jacking off means longer sex later” thing is used in reference to men, who have a bit of a “recovery time” for a second orgasm. Women don’t usually have this delay, and in fact the second orgasm usually comes quicker than the first (at least in my experience).
But if you’re deeply connected to your own sexual power, these additional orgasms are more likely – which can be a wonderful, exciting, and passionate experience.
If you’ve never attained multiple orgasms before (or even your first one), masturbation can help you unlock the secrets. Sometimes it’s just a matter of your partner’s lack of skill, which is easy to work around as you begin to teach her things about you.
Masturbating (in front of your partner) is sexy as hell.
If you are already familiar with the idea of multiple orgasms (and maybe you even strive for them) masturbation can help you to prolong the experience simply by being comfortable with the idea of “doing it yourself” in front of her.
Have you ever seen how sexy it is for a woman to play with herself in front of you? It’s pretty hot.
Plus, you’re giving her a chance to take a break, without stopping the action for yourself. Anyone who’s been actively engaging in lesbian sex knows that multiple orgasms will cause muscle fatigue to your partner, whether she admits it or not. If you “take turns” with your sexuality, this fatigue can be kept at bay for even longer.
Masturbation makes you feel sexy.
Ladies, there is really only one way to fully be in charge of your own sex life – and that’s to be your own sexual partner. Sure, the sexual revolution is great, but you’re still at the mercy of your partner if you want to have sex with her.
If you don’t need a partner to feel sexy, you can feel sexy all by yourself. Buy yourself lingerie, and wear it even when you’re alone. Touch yourself while you’re wearing your sexiest outfit, and be your own fantasy. Trust me, this one works wonders.
You won’t have to worry about whether you look OK or not, because no one else is going to see it. You don’t have to worry about how you sound (well, unless you live with someone). You don’t have to worry about anything except making yourself feel good – and that is hot.
Being able to see yourself as a sexy creature is super important for your happiness, because far too few of us are confident enough in our own skin. When you feel sexy all on your own, you’re bound to feel sexier with your partner.
Masturbation makes you feel independent.
As wonderful as it is to have sex with a partner, it can be daunting to feel that you need a partner in order to climax. What happens when the relationship ends? You’re stuck with only yourself. If you don’t orgasm until after you’ve entered a new relationship, you’re going to be cranky, and it’s even possible that you’ll let your sexual frustrations translate to you pursuing someone who’s totally wrong for you.
When you take matters into your own hands, you are freeing yourself from the dependence of another partner. You’re not held down to the idea of being celibate until you meet someone new. You can have sex with yourself as much and as often as you’d like – as long as you’re not neglecting your priorities to do it.
Once upon a time, it was considered taboo for a woman to masturbate, and especially to talk about it. That’s just not true anymore. Have you ever heard of a “pleasure party”? The idea of masturbation is actually a thriving industry, and it can even spell financial independence for some women. Why wouldn’t you want to harness your sexual independence?