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My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

Would you trust your girlfriend if she passworded her phone after installing a dating app?
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Q: My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

Dear KitschMix,

My girlfriend is sweet and loving, but unfortunately seems to have a roaming eye (or two). We’ve had trust issues in the past, and I recently found out that she downloaded HER when I was away visiting family. She uninstalled it and claimed she was “just curious,” but I’m still hurt about it. I do what I can to be loving and make our sex life exciting, but she is not terribly interested. I’ve never caught her cheating, but I’ve caught her doing other inappropriate things that make me very suspicious.

She recently put a passcode on her phone and she won’t give it to me, even when situations come up where it would make sense to give it to me (like she is driving and I need to unlock her phone, or when mine wasn’t working and I needed to use hers). She refuses to share it with me. I’m really hurt and I feel like there is no good reason for her to do this, to be so protective over the code. She says she just wants privacy, but I think the only thing she could really want to keep “private” is stuff with other women.

This, rolled in with other problems, is making me think of actually leaving her. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Does she have the right to keep the code from me without me getting upset?

Reader, your girlfriend sounds a lot like one of my exes. She got mad when I accidentally happened upon an “I love you” text from her to another woman – so she passcoded her phone and refused to let me in it. Of course, this inflamed my jealousy – and for good reason. She left it behind, unlocked, one day – and I peeked. I’m not proud of myself for snooping, but I found way more stuff that really got under my skin.

There are some people who say that whatever you find when snooping, you brought it on yourself – I don’t think that’s true. There is such a thing as secrets that shouldn’t be kept, and some of the examples you may find will haunt you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to look – but your partner shouldn’t have to hide, either.

I wish I could tell you that my situation was way more extreme than yours, but most likely that’s not true. It’s one thing to maintain your privacy, but it’s another thing to be caught sneaking around and then try to get some privacy. The way this situation rolled out, I think it’s safe to assume she’s cheating – or she’s trying to.

To me it seems like you’ve already tried to talk this out with her, and she just doesn’t want to talk about it. In this situation, I’d say the best choice is to leave her – she’s proving that she doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you, even when she’s been caught. You shouldn’t have to waste your time with someone who can’t be honest with you.

 

3 Comments

  • E.W. says:

    some people, me included believe that going through someones phone is the same as going through my bank statements, my mail, my email and all that other private stuff, chances are just knowing that you went through the phone without asking means i would end the relationship.

    I know that sounds harsh but boundaries are important i wouldn’t go rummaging through someones digital life and i don’t understand why someone would want to do that.

    To me doing that means you’ve already lost trust, but worse than that you’ve lost the power of a respectful conversation, you’ve lost honesty, you’ve lost all of those great things that we get in relationships and without those things there is no respect.

    Truth is if you’re not happy, leave, move on. You’re already thinking about it and that will just grate on you, niggle at you, worry you and that’s not what relationships are about

  • Barbara Ward Barbara Ward says:

    I agree – snooping is usually an indicator that there’s a lack of trust in the relationship, and it’s possible that this is why her girlfriend was looking elsewhere in the first place. But in this particular situation, the girlfriend was definitely looking elsewhere, and felt the need to hide it. If you have to hide it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Not that you don’t deserve your privacy, because everyone does. But if you have to demand your privacy, you’re in the wrong relationship.

  • Definitely, leave her. You can find someone better. If she isn’t cheating you (yet), she will.

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