I would like to call to order the first official meeting of the Downgrade Haters Anonymous. We’re a club of women who, for whatever reason, feel it’s necessary to talk trash about our ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend for a certain period of time after the breakup.
Admittedly, there’s one particular person on my mind as I write this. I call her the leprechaun, and some of my friends are quite aware of exactly who I’m talking about when I say it. (A few of them have even met her – which is a really long, complicated, awkward story.) I know it’s so wrong, but it feels so good to assign a mean nickname to the person who we think has taken our place – even if it’s a place we didn’t even want anymore.
(When the previously-implied girlfriend and I broke up, I actually texted “the leprechaun” to let her know that she should come pick her up. I’m not exactly proud of my actions, but what can I say? I was hurting at the time.)
But this practice of hating on the new partner of our ex is damaging, not only to the process of getting over her, but also to our own mental health and the community of women at large.
It’s probably not this new woman’s fault that you broke up.
Okay, in my example above, the replacement girlfriend was in the picture before my relationship with my ex was actually over. But the truth is, it was already on its way out before she came into the picture – otherwise, she wouldn’t have been there in the first place.
Unless the new girlfriend was a) seeing your partner while you two were still together; b) fully aware of the situation and didn’t care; and c) being shot down by your ex at every turn… Well, it wasn’t her fault, and it’s not fair for you to blame her.
I know, I know. She’s the easy victim. But the only people who actually had anything to do with your breakup are you and your now-ex. Resolve yourself to divvy up the blame fairly between the two of you, and leave the outsiders on the outside.
She’s probably not actually a “downgrade”.
I’m not sure exactly when the whole “downgrade” thing started, but I think it was meant to be empowering. We drop our ex’s new woman to a lower level than ourselves, either because we need to fake some confidence or because we don’t know anything about her. Either way, you have to remember that your perspective is a bit skewed here.
It’s healthy to insist on your own worth after a breakup. In fact, it’s pretty much necessary – the breakup didn’t mean one of you was better than the other, it meant you were wrong for each other. But remember, this other girl had nothing to do with anything. Leave her out of it. Find some other way to boost your confidence.
Possibly the worst thing about this downgrade trend is that it relies on completely subjective quantifiers. Is she a downgrade because you’re prettier than her? Smarter than her? More successful than her? Whatever it is, unless you know her very intimately, you’re just guessing – she’s probably got a lot in common with you.
She’s probably not actually an “upgrade”, either.
Just like the girlfriend who’s jealous of you is really insecure about herself, your jealousy about her is not a reflection of her, but of you. Most of the time, if a woman seems better than you, it’s just you feeling low about your own position. Truthfully, is any of us really better than anyone else?
If you find yourself being jealous of anyone, it’s important to remember that you’re not seeing the whole picture. This woman (who you think is better than you) has flaws, too. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, so just because she seems super classy when you see her doesn’t mean she’s a saint.
Try not to think about her too much. Instead of focusing on how much better she is than you, try to focus on doing the things you’re good at. When you’re down in the dumps, participating in hobbies you are good at can actually increase your confidence – giving you the strength to tackle new challenges.
It’s just an excuse to hold onto your ex.
Whether you’re jealous because her new girlfriend is a better fit than you, or you’re judging her for not being as good as you, there’s one thing that’s definite: You’re using it as an excuse to hang onto something that’s no longer yours.
What’s worse is that you’re putting the blame on the wrong person. Remember, this new woman had nothing to do with your breakup – but by shifting the blame to her, instead of your ex, you’re justifying your reasons for not moving on. This isn’t a good thing.
It perpetuates the catty stereotypes.
This is the age of feminism, after all – it’s time we all start supporting each other. Stop with the name calling and the gossip. If the two of them are happy together, let them be happy – even if you still love your ex.
Truth be told, you should be happy for her especially if you still love her. After all, real love is about wanting the best for someone – even if you’re not in the picture. If the two of you were really meant to be, give her the time she needs to see that on her own – and leave her poor girlfriend alone.
