There are so many things that we do in our friendships (and our relationships) that are morally ambiguous. There are these giant grey areas hanging around every corner – when do you do what’s right for you and when do you do what’s right for someone else?
Well, society has implemented a type of “girl code” to handle these situations – but that’s a grey area, too. Girl Code is constantly changing, and it’s different in different circles. Once you get to lesbians, it’s even worse – does it extend to our ex-girlfriends, too, or just to our besties?
Thankfully, I’ve never been stuck in this type of situation (yet), but I know many people who have. They want their BFF to be happy, but their BFF wants to date their ex-girlfriend – the one that meant so much to them and just turned out to be a dirty sleaze.
OK, I’m generalizing, but sometimes right after a break-up we do that. We’re not ready to admit to our own shortcomings, so we pass them off as if they’re someone else’s fault. We think of them as this horrible person, and we see ourselves as “saving” our best friend when we don’t give our blessing for the relationship. “She’s a bad person,” we may say.
But the truth is, an inability to let go of someone from your past really means that you’re not letting yourself find your future.
Think about it.
You’re with this amazing woman who does everything for you, gives you little gifts, takes you out to dinner all the time (or maybe she even cooks for you – even better). Things are going great, and then one day they aren’t anymore.
But, during this relationship, you introduced her to all your friends. You talked her up, presented her as God’s Gift to Lesbians, and you even encouraged her to spend time with your best friend.
Then, after the break-up, you find out she’d actually be much better for your best friend. They’ve got similar interests, and your BFF strongly approves. It should come as very little shock when your bestie wants to snatch up this GGL and start their future together.
We think of this as one of the unforgiveable sins in friendship – but that doesn’t make a lot of sense, usually.
Wrong for you could be right for someone else.
We pardon ourselves for these thoughts of jealousy because we’re trying to “protect” our friend. After all, this woman did you so wrong, surely she’ll do your best friend wrong, too – right?
Well, not necessarily.
Sometimes, just because someone is wrong for you, doesn’t mean that they’d be wrong for someone else. Not everyone is compatible and that’s OK. But if you forbid your friend from pursuing something that could spell out her happiness, you are being selfish.
I know this might be hard for you to hear, but it’s true.
Not everyone is meant to be together, and just because this woman wasn’t the right woman for you doesn’t mean that she couldn’t be good for your friend. If you truly are “done” with her, it shouldn’t matter whether your friend pursues her or not.
It might be awkward at first, especially if you’ve had sex, or seen each other naked. But if your friendship with this friend is strong enough to overcome the awkwardness, her happiness could be in your hands. Consider giving yourself distance to keep the jealousy at bay, but give your friend your blessing – isn’t she worth it?
The best friend will feel guilty.
If you’ve ever fallen for your best friend’s ex, you’re going to feel really guilty about it – even if she has specifically given you her blessing. This is because our brain tells us that we’re basically “cheating” on our friend – even if the relationship already reached an end on its own.
It’s a horrible feeling, I’m told – and it’s not the type of guilt you can get over quickly. No, this type of guilt has the potential to last the entire relationship, if you form one. If you don’t form the relationship, you’ll have feelings of “what if” that could last a lifetime. So what do you do?
Obviously, if you really care about this friendship, you’ll want to talk to your friend about it. She might be hurt and upset about the confession, but it’s going to come out sometime – would you rather she found out from you, or from someone else?
She might not be as open-minded about it as I am, but if she cares about you, too, she’ll want to see you happy. You should be willing to understand that she might not be OK with it initially – give her time, and take the relationship slowly. Your friendship isn’t worth sacrificing, but neither is a relationship that could spell love.
The ex might not feel so guilty.
We like to think of it as a huge indiscretion when our exes hook up with someone else in our lives. We may tell ourselves that they’re doing it just to stay close to us – or that they’re doing it to hurt us. I don’t think this is true in most cases.
Most of the time, we can’t really help who we fall for. Sure, we can coax the scales to tip one way or the other, but that usually only shows a 50% success rate at best. If your ex falls in love with your best friend – as long as they don’t act on it during your relationship – there’s probably no ill intent.
It’s not their fault.
No matter which party you are in this situation, you’re not really at fault – and no one should make you feel as if it was. Each person will be racked with their own guilt to deal with (or lack of guilt, in some places) but everyone has to realize that it’s not their fault.
The timing was just wrong.
If one or two things had been different, the whole situation would have changed – and this should free you of any guilt or anguish over the matter. You’ll still have to decide what means more to you in the situation – your disdain for your ex, your love for your best friend, or any number of factors involved. But it’s not your fault you’re in this mess.
