One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how long it takes us to finally stop letting people have control over our minds, once we decide they’re no longer welcome there. There is very rarely an occasion where a breakup provides immediate closure… And when we think it does, we usually mess it up by trying to be friends too soon.

We try to think of ourselves as emotionally independent, but when someone has been a big part of your life for so long, we have a hard time letting go all the way. And sometimes, the other woman likes it that way, so she does things that keep her on our mind even longer.

It’s not fair, but we let it happen. (Some of us more than others.) It’s not as hopeless as it seems, though, especially when you know what to look out for.

Here are a few of the most common ways ex-girlfriends mess with our heads.

1. The new girlfriend (who looks a lot like you)

If you see your old flame with someone who looks an awful lot like you do, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that she’s not over you yet. Particularly if you still have feelings for her, this can create a ton of confusion for you – after all, if you’ve been replaced by a doppelganger, have you really been replaced, or is this just a cheap imitation?

But most of the time, her new girlfriend has nothing to do with you. She probably has a “type”, and it just so happens that you and this new woman have a lot of the same attractive features. The part of your brain that still has feelings for her will likely try to latch onto the similarities in an effort to rationalize the burning question: “What does she have that I don’t?”

Instead of comparing yourself to her new boo, try focusing on how you can be a better you. You should never change who you are in order to please someone else, and when it comes to our fellow women, we should be building each other up – not participating in hostile competition.

2. The new girlfriend (who has nothing on you)

As much as it seems like this couldn’t be any further from #1, the truth is these things both come from the same situation. When we compare ourselves to our ex’s new partner and feel that we are better than they are, this means that we’re trying to turn our jealousy into a more rational thought process.

If we think of her new girlfriend as a downgrade, the obvious conclusion is that we were too good for her. While this might be true, that doesn’t mean it’s right to judge her new girlfriend for something that’s not even her fault. After all, unless they got together before the two of you broke up (and she knew that your ex was cheating), she has absolutely nothing to do with you.

While it’s a good idea to emotionally distance yourself from your ex in whatever way works best for you, you should avoid any thought process that directly involves their new lover. Even though it may work for you, you’ll be priming yourself to fall all over again if her new relationship doesn’t last – so opt for a non-circumstantial reason, instead.

3. The new girlfriend (who was “just a friend” two months ago)

Sometimes, after breaking up, your ex might end up with one of the people who you were worried about her cheating on you with while you were still together. Sometimes, your assumptions were totally right – but it’s important to realize that’s not the only way this can happen.

In some instances, a person can be pushed into the arms of another by accusations and assumptions, so consider whether you influenced her decision in any way. It might be hard to separate feelings from facts, but thankfully that’s not what’s most important.

Instead of trying to figure out if they were involved before the breakup, remember that you have broken up now – so regardless of when it started, it’s no longer any of your business. You have no right to punish her for anything now, so let it go.

4. No girlfriend (and the illusion of a second chance)

Sometimes, your ex-girlfriend will choose to remain single after you two break up. While we often think of this as a chance for us to rekindle the flame, it’s more likely that she’s focusing on herself for a while – and you should try to do the same.

Of course, there is a chance that she’s keeping her options open for the two of you to work things out, but you shouldn’t consider this the most likely possibility. (And besides, even if she is trying to leave things open for you two, it’s probably best if you sort yourselves out individually before trying to be a couple again.)

This may be one of the hardest to deal with, because subliminally we’ve been conditioned to think that someone is fair game if they’re not in a relationship – but this isn’t always the case. Many people enjoy being single, and just because she doesn’t have a partner doesn’t mean she wants one. Take a cue from her and try to focus on being a better person all on your own.

5. The drunken texts (and inappropriate flirting)

When she hits you up out of the blue and asks you to come over at midnight, this is dangerous. It should raise some major red flags if she doesn’t want to be with you, but she does want to continue having sex with you. That’s not to say that your mind will automatically realize this, though.

Just because you spent a great deal of time with a person doesn’t mean they’re right for you, and this can be a very hard realization to come to. Sometimes our brains will tell us that, if they’re meant to leave our lives, they will. To some degree, this is true, but they may need a push from you to actually leave.

Instead of allowing your ex to treat you like a booty call, you should let her know that you absolutely won’t stand for that. Some casual relationships have the potential to turn into something more, but if you already went down that road and it didn’t work out, it’s not healthy to enter the situation again and try to solve the problems with sex. Your attachments will still be there, and perhaps even stronger since they’re “not allowed” now. (Reverse psychology at its ugliest!)

6. The little excuses to stay in touch (usually through small talk)

After a breakup, there are usually going to be things left to say. The human brain needs closure – which is why we often try to talk to our exes after we should have nothing left to say. But the human mind also likes keeping our options open – which is why cliffhanger episodes are so popular (and infuriating) in television shows.

Some women will take advantage of this, and leave the doors of communication open, even though they should be shut, locked, and barricaded. She might not be certain that she doesn’t want to be with you, so she strings you along in the hopes that you’re not sure, either.

In these situations, it’s important to remember that this is definitely a mind game. She’s doing this because she wants you to stay confused and hung up on her, and that’s not fair to you (or healthy for either of you). While it might seem a bit harsh, it’s usually best to sever all ties while you give yourself time to heal.

7. The things she left behind (whether intentional or not)

As far as breakup mindfucks go, this one is usually the hardest – but least sinister. Particularly if you two lived together, it’s not uncommon to come across the things that were left behind when the relationship ended. Whether it’s a photograph, a sweatshirt, a love letter, or the evidence that she was using you… (Once I found a discarded pair of panties, six months after a breakup. That one was awkward.)

When you come across these things, your approach will vary based on how long it’s been. For example, if it’s only been a few days, it might be nice of you to neatly box them up and send them to her. Do not hand-deliver the items, though, because if she left them behind on purpose, she’s probably looking for an excuse to suck you back in.

If it’s been several months (or longer) since you two broke up, and you happen to come across something that used to be hers, it’s probably best if you get rid of it. If it was important to her, she would have found a way to ask for it. Consider donating it to your local charity organization or thrift shop, if it’s something that could help someone else, or simply toss it if it’s not.

8. The memories (both good and bad)

Whether she brings up the memories to you, or someone else does, or they just flood your head on their own, try to use these as a reminder for yourself. If things were good “in the good old days”, remind yourself that things changed for the worse at some point. If the pain of the recent bad memories still weighs heavy on you, use it to shape what you want from your future partners.

It’s important to find the silver lining to the memories, both good and bad. You’re allowed to think fondly of the good memories and aim to get more of that in the future. You’re allowed to feel hurt by the bad things and promise not to put yourself through that again. In fact, what you do with your memories is pretty much up to you – but you shouldn’t let your memories make you regret your past.

It’s common to feel a bit of regret and remorse at the end of any serious relationship. Within reason, it’s even good for you – it can help you to be a better person. Just remember that you shouldn’t be making yourself better for her – you should be making yourself better for you.

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