Dear KitschMix,

I was with my ex for 2 years. We moved in together a year into our relationship, then everything fell apart. I did a lot of wrong things. I cheated on her. I lost my temper and lashed out. I was an idiot, and I broke her trust. I know how bad I’ve been, and there are no excuses. I have apologized, but she doesn’t want to hear it.

I feel so guilty, and just want to make things better. How do start this process? Will she ever take me back, after what I’ve put her through?

I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news here, but if I was her… I probably wouldn’t take you back. It is entirely possible for people to grow and change (which I believe you may have). But it’s not good for one’s mental health to let someone back in after they’ve done these things to you, because it’s also possible that they haven’t changed, and many women see it as an unnecessary risk.

That’s not to say that this is necessarily bad for you, though. If she were to take you back, that wouldn’t magically mean she forgot about what happened. One of the worst things that can happen to someone who’s trying to better themselves is to keep having the past looking them in the face. You should use this time to try and focus on your own issues, instead of trying to be what she needed.

This isn’t to say that she’ll never forgive you, but by trying to push it when she’s not ready, all you’d be doing is prolonging the hurt that you’ve done. I definitely understand the regret of the things that you’ve done. But the damage is done, and she has to get past it on her own. If you two cross paths at some time in the future, and decide to give it another chance, you may have moved past the problems. But it’s not realistic to expect this day to come.

It’s so important that you take some time to reflect, otherwise you won’t really be able to get past these things. Temper alone is a tough one to beat – hello, how do you just turn off a human emotion… Yeah, I was in anger management for a few years, and the traditional methods never really did it for me.

If I were you, I would take it as a learning experience. I’m a firm believer that the temptation to cheat isn’t even there if you’re with the right person. It’s possible that there is someone out there who is more perfect for you than she was – but you have to give yourself time to deserve that woman. She probably won’t come into your life at exactly the perfect time, and she might even be someone you looked over before. If you’re not actually ready, you’ll probably look her over the second time, too.

Just be patient, reader – just because you’ve learned your lesson doesn’t always mean you get a do-over. Try to remember that’s a good thing.

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