When we’re cruising for women at the gay bar, we may feel that everyone there is also cruising for women – and, similarly, that they’re a good choice to flirt with. Now, I’m all for taking on a challenge, but statistically speaking, there is definitely such a thing as “the woman you shouldn’t hit on”. Some of these women will destroy your self-esteem, some of them will destroy your image of gay bars, and some of them will just end up being absolutely nothing like you thought they would.
We’re here to try and save you from these women. Really, they’re probably bad news, even (or especially) if they seem like an “easy target”.
Unless you, too, are an alpha, alpha women are not usually a good choice for relationship material. They know what they want and they know what they’re capable of, and honestly they’re super sexy. But they know they’re super sexy, and they know that there’s probably something better out there – which will keep them from fully committing to you. Sure, there are probably exceptions. But unless you, too, are 100% confident in who you are and what you deserve, the alpha woman has the ability to completely destroy the way you think of yourself.
How do you know an alpha woman when you see her? Well, for starters, she’ll probably look (and act) like she’s out of your league – although she may treat you as if you’re a challenge to be conquered. This can feel amazing when it’s happening, but if you’re not ready to live up to her expectations, you might end up with a broken heart and a longing for the type of sex that no one else gave you before her – or since her.
The Scene Queen
This woman is on a quest to out-gay everyone else in the bar. She makes a point to be up on all the gay gossip, including outing people who aren’t ready to be out of the closet yet. She’ll also look and act a bit like an alpha, although it’s probably just an act – really, she doesn’t have the self-confidence to be a true Alpha, so she’s compromising by making everything about everyone else. Oh, and her reputation precedes her. Like, by a lot.
You’ll know her instantly when you see her, because she’ll remind you a bit of yourself right after you came out for the first time. She’s got a reputation to keep, after all, and she’s all about being the gayest she can possibly be. She wears flannel and snapbacks because “that’s what lesbians do”, not because they’re comfortable. She’s probably got a quirky hat that calls attention to how gay she really is, and the whole thing reeks of trying to fit in with the “cool kids”.
The Straight Girl
She can be hard to distinguish from the Scene Queen, because she, too, is trying to out-gay everyone (and everything) in the room. She may be surrounded by all of her gay friends, even if she just made them that very night. She’ll happily ask you all these intrusive questions about “what it’s like” to be a lesbian, but when you offer to “show” her, she’ll get really uncomfortable and leave – or, even worse, she’ll play along, just to leave you waiting for her as she sneaks out the back door.
How do you tell the difference between the straight girl and the Scene Queen? Don’t worry – the straight girl will tell you repeatedly that she’s just there for a good time, and that doesn’t include taking her panties off. But she’ll probably wait until after you’ve bought her a few (dozen) drinks. After all… She’s there to have a good time.
The Fall-Down Drunk
Definitely the easiest to spot, this woman is at the bar for one reason and one reason alone: She wants to get really, really drunk. She probably got started before she even left home, because she can’t afford to drink as many expensive drinks as she’d like, and getting a head start allows her to block out as many memories as she chooses. Sometimes, these women are already done before they even leave the house – in which case, we’d hope the bartender would be wise enough to cut them off, but that’s not always how it happens.
While she might seem like an “easy target”, it’s really, really important that you don’t try to go home with this girl. She may also fall in one of the other categories listed here, too. But the most important thing to remember is that she is way too drunk to give consent, or to remember what happened in the morning. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll puke on your shoes.
The Gold-Star Snob
The Gold-Star Snob knew she was gay from a very young age, and can’t wrap her head around the idea that someone else might take a little longer to come around. Someone who openly identifies as bisexual is completely out of the question – these women tend to be so biphobic that they may even (purposely) make the bisexuals in the room leave crying. What may be even worse is that they have no shame about verbally attacking the rest of the queer community, and pretend that they are the majority, which really isn’t the case.
Gold-Star Snobs will most likely only be surrounded by women who also identify as Gold Stars, whether snobbishly or not – and they tend to feel that man-hating is an inherent part of homosexuality, and that bisexuals are a “threat” to lesbians. They’re some of the worst perpetuators of the most negative stereotypes that are associated with the queer community and they have the audacity to blame everyone else. If you’re not sure if she’s a snob, just bring up any heteronormative movie. The GSS will gladly tell you what’s “wrong” with liking a movie that doesn’t have an all-queer storyline.
The Underage Girl
This is the woman who snuck into the gay bar without being old enough to do so, thereby putting the whole bar at risk of being shut down, because they haven’t mastered the level of self-control necessary to keep things legal. Not only is she (probably) drinking underage, but she may not even be the legal age of consent in y0ur region – which makes her particularly dangerous, especially if she falls into one of the other categories, as well.
She’s a bit harder to spot unless you happen to see her hand over that fake ID to the bartender or bouncer, and happen to recognize the not-government-issued backdrop it uses. Some fake IDs are better and harder to spot, though, and most likely the one with the obviously-fake ID won’t even be let in the front door. She’ll probably be up at the bar, ordering “whatever you recommend” from the bartender, or sending her not-underage friend to go order from her. Avoid her at all costs. She is dishonest and impulsive and may get you arrested.
This woman is at the bar with absolutely no interest in getting drunk or getting laid. She’s just there for the music, and perhaps the second-hand smoke (if she’s recently quit smoking). And, while there really is nothing wrong with that, it’s most likely a waste of time for you to try hitting on her, as she’s not likely to be responsive to it. She’s honestly there only to have a good time – unlike the Straight Girl, who’s there to soak up as much of the queer culture as she possibly can without being “sucked into it”.
You can recognize this woman because she will be drinking nothing but water or soda, and probably dancing on the dancefloor all by herself. She may or may not be surrounded by friends in various stages of drunken behavior or shameless flirting, but when you try to hit on her, she’s going to turn you down with a simple “No thank you” and no further explanation.
There are many ways to spot a woman who’s taken at the bar. If she’s sitting in the seat directly next to another woman (or a man – let’s be clear that this is also a possibility), she’s probably with that person. If she’s wearing a ring on her “engagement ring” finger, she’s probably taken. If she’s obviously a stud, and she’s holding a purse… Well… She’s probably taken.
Let’s be clear: Some women are in an open relationship, and they may be at the bar together trying to find someone to go home with both of them. But you should never assume this is the case. If it is the case, and she is interested in you, she’ll make the first move – she’s well aware of how terrible of an idea it is to hit on someone who’s quite obviously in a relationship. And, if she’s not interested in a threesome, her girlfriend might kick your ass if you try.
She might not be gay. She might not be straight. She’s probably not drunk. She’ll be seen taking care of her definitely-drunk friends, and trying to prevent them from going into the ladies’ room with that total stranger. She can also be seen trying to diffuse the bar fights that happen when her fall-down-drunk friend is trying to hit on the woman who is obviously there with her girlfriend.
Let me clarify something about the Babysitter, though: She is an incredible woman to date. But tonight is not the night. She’s at the bar tonight because her friends drug her out, and she felt guilty about saying no, or maybe she feels responsible for them. Either way, she has other responsibilities tonight, and she’s not going to go home with you. She’ll be too busy making sure her friends get home safely and don’t choke on their own vomit (or someone else’s fist).
Subscribe to KitschMix's newsletter for more stories you don't want to miss.