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How to Bring the Heat Back into Your Long-Term Relationship

Has the fire gone out completely, or just cooled off?
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Picture the scene: You’re with a partner you absolutely adore, and things are going great. You have sex all the time, and it’s so amazing you can’t believe you ever thought sex with someone else was good.

Then, over time, that sexual spark starts to fade, and you’re not really sure how to get it back.

If it sounds like I’m speaking straight to your heart, don’t worry – it’s not just you. It’s a super common problem among all long-term relationships.

There comes a time when that heat you used to have is no longer self-sustaining. But rest assured – there are ways to get past a “cold spell”, although it will take a bit of effort on your part.


1. Dress up for one another.

The specifics of what this tip means will be different for every relationship. If it’s just your sex life that needs help, maybe some lingerie or roleplay costumes are in order. If your romance needs some work, too, it could mean that you wear an outfit that sparks a feeling from your significant other. It’s important to realize that this might be outside your comfort zone, and as such it’s important that you go for an outfit (or costume) that your partner will actually appreciate, so that you’re not pushing your limits without a good reason.


2. Undress for one another, too.

Have you ever considered performing a strip tease for your partner? It can seem pretty uncomfortable, especially the first few times, but it can really make a difference in your love life. Remember – the sexiest part of a strip tease is the confidence and anticipation, so make sure you feel sexy while you’re doing it. (And, in case you were wondering, this is not limited to fit, femme women – everyone can and should strip for their partner occasionally.)


3. Wear sexy underwear (at least occasionally).

The definition of “sexy undies” are different for everyone, but you should try to wear underwear that your partner finds attractive, at least from time to time. Personally, I feel “inspired” by boy briefs and sports bras, but a push-up bra and a nice lacy bloomer will get my heart pumping, too. Talk to your partner and see what underwear excites her – and then buy some for special occasions. (Or every day, if that’s comfortable to you.)


4. Make it a routine.

Let me be very clear that there’s a difference between “making the relationship routine” and “making a routine”. It sounds like a very subtle difference, but truthfully, you don’t want your relationship to fall into a rut. Instead, focus on forming a habit that benefits your relationship, rather than a routine that keeps you apart. If you are able to give yourselves a full-day date every week, that can work well – spend the day filled with romance (which does not require exorbitant spending) and follow it up with a romp between the sheets.

Giving yourselves one full day of quality time makes that time more important. If you’re worried about it being boring, switch up the day and the destination – but make a solid effort to fit it in every week.


5. Dial up the taboo.

Public displays of affection are great for keeping the romance alive – just make sure you’re keeping it appropriate for public, please. If you’re not able to do the PDA thing, exchanging sexy messages can be a fun way to get the blood flowing without drawing unnecessary attention to you – it might even look to others like the two of you are completely ignoring each other. Just make sure you’re not ignoring the other people in your social group – they will figure out what’s going on, and you will be embarrassed. (Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything…)


6. Switch up your foreplay routine.

First, if you “don’t do” foreplay, you really ought to re-evaluate your romantic priorities. Not only does foreplay make you (and your partner) more receptive to the sexual attention that’s yet to come, it also shows that you know what your partner likes. But if the same old thing you’ve been doing for years is starting to lose its effectiveness, it’s time to try something new. We’ve got a few lists of good foreplay tricks built up – click the links below to read through.


7. Just relax!

Your relationships are actually supposed to go through phases with less sex. If you put too much focus on bringing the sex back, the sex is going to be terrible – or even less frequent than it was before you started trying so hard. There’s no reason that you have to have sex every day, or even every week – you need to remember that it’s simply a preference. Once you fully accept this as a fact, and remove any sense of obligation, you might find that you have sex more – without even trying. You’re more likely to have good sex if you’re not stressing out.

(And, of course, a good sensual massage never hurts.)

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Author

Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” – an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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