Lets set the scene. You’re sipping a glass of beer, on a date with someone new. You’re talking, looking into one another’s eyes, and then it suddenly hits you: “Good gods, this is the most mind-numbingly boring date I’ve ever been on. I’ve got to get out of here.”
It’s the time for an exit plan. A strategy that could include faking an illness; food poisoning and migraines are quite popular. Or staging a phone call crisis.
But the problem with these excuses is that everyone knows them and can see through them. So scrap those plans; it’s time to take those methods up a notch, get creative, and plan your exit strategy as obsessively as you plan your weekend getaways.
Here are some ideas to get you started, but be warned—some of them need great acting skills and cooperation from people you know. Click on an idea to read more about it or simply read on.
Become the dating weirdo
This takes a wee bit of practice and a willingness to humiliate yourself. But that’s not a problem if you don’t plan on your date ever seeing you again, right? You’re going to have to keep bumping up the crazy level, because you’re not sure yet what your date counts as weird.
Become obnoxious date
Think back on all the terrible dates you’ve been on and throw the most repugnant habits and behaviour of your once-and-never-ever-again dates into the mix.
Become the psycho ex
Burst into tears. Tell your date that the place reminds you so much of your ex. Hurtle down memory lane and share a long and detailed history of your last failed relationship. Give scary examples of how you showed your love to your ex but was ultimately rejected (“I sat in my car outside of her house all night long and asked my friends and her friends to tell me what she was up to when I wasn’t around. I just wanted to know she was always okay, was that so wroooong?!”). Be inconsolable and excuse yourself for the rest of the evening.
Become the clumsy date
Spill something on yourself – great new outfit be damned. Don’t go for something as lame as water; a bowl of creamy soup, the kind that can really leave a huge stain. Make sure your date definitely can’t say that the stain will be gone in an hour or so.
Become crisis solver
This is an upgrade to the phone call crisis, and involves a loyal and loving friend. Your friend should rush up to you and yell, “Oh my god, where have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you! I called your roommate and she said I’d find you here. You’ve got to come with me, we’ve got a problem.” Ta-da, exit this away!
Become overly committed date
Talk at length about how you’re ready for marriage and kids. Make jokes about how you’ve already picked out a wedding and reception venue, the names of your kids, and a good honeymoon spot. After a while, stand up dramatically and ask your date, “I just want to get this straight. Do you see a future with me or not? I’m not about to waste my time on anyone.” Flounce off in a huff, but make sure you’ve planned your hiding place in case your date comes after you.
Become the commitment-phoebe
Have a friend call you and pretend that she is your next date for the night, then tell the person you’re with that you have to run to meet up with someone else. This is ideal for dates that are so openly scamming on other potentials in the room.
… Or simply be honest (my pick)
We all tend to rein in what’s really on our minds, so give yourself a chance to be honest by telling your date goodbye before you waste the rest of the evening—and maybe even a few years of your life – if you keep on being too polite – to say that you’re just not interested.
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