Your family doesn’t quite understand your sexuality. They think lesbians do nothing but scissor and talk about how much they hate men. They’re wrong – lesbians also crack corny jokes.

After you try a few of these jokes at the Thanksgiving dinner table, your family will become much more accepting of your sexuality. Okay, probably not. But they’ll be so grateful that you’re not a full-time comedian that your sexual orientation won’t seem so bad in comparison.


I hope you’re hungry. I’ve brought my specialty: Blue is the Warmest Custard.

What do two lesbians eat at a carnival? Flannel cake.

Did you hear that Ellen gave $10,000 to two kids from Vine last week? They don’t call her Ellen De-Generous for nothing.

My dildo doesn’t work properly. Now it’s a dilDON’T.

My girlfriend and I are finally moving in together this Christmas! Happy U-Haulidays!

I put all of my gemstones on the shelves. Now I have several Ruby Rows.

I went to Home Depot to pick up a stud finder. Now I’m dating a butch lesbian.

Two lipstick lesbians had a very short fling. It was eFEMeral.

What does a black lesbian feminist say when she’s fed up? “Oh Lorde.”

To cure a lesbian with a sore throat, give her LGBTea.

What do you call a queer woman purchasing a vibrator? Buy-sexual.

When lesbians mix drinks, they use Ever-Queer.

My favorite song is “Hips Don’t Lie.” I play it at all of my lesbian parties because lesbians love ShaQUEERa.

Queer Italians eat LEZ-agna for every meal (but no meatballs).

My girlfriend and I bake our own edible sex toys. I love my new dilDOUGH.

My girlfriend thinks that she’s more masculine than me just because she owns a meat shop. She thinks she’s butcher because she’s a butcher.

Ellen Page is a shoplifter! They should call her Ellen DOESN’T PAYge.

I taught that young lesbian how to be masculine, and she turned butch overnight! She’s a quick STUD-y.

Where do lesbians stay when they go on vacation? A lesbi-INN.

My lesbian girlfriend and I are totally different! We’re a real DYKE-otomy.

She’s attracted to all genders and she looks great in trousers. She’s 100% PANTSexual.

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