Yes, break ups are hard. But lesbian breaks can be rough and there are some factors at play in a Lesbian break up that make it extra devastating…

Finding someone you match well with is no easy feat. Some people seem to get chemically attached right away, and are inseparable from the very first date. Others wander through life, rarely finding that elusive second date, and never finding their OTL. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, matching and not-matching on a case by case basis.

People who fall into one of the two extremes may feel that there’s something wrong with them, or that they’re not worthy of true love. Ignore that feeling – it’s just out there to make you feel bad. It’s not that you’re not girlfriend material… It’s just that you’re doing the wrong things.

I understand this might still sound pretty negative – but I promise you, it’s not. Humans are creatures of habit, and the things that keep us doing the same thing every day can be repurposed to literally turn ourselves into anyone we want to be – but only if we want it bad enough.

When you get things right, you’ll suddenly feel that your dating life is actually effortless – because it’s not a bunch of hard work anymore. Sure, your relationships themselves will require effort, but attracting the partner you want (and deserve) isn’t work at all. But first, you’ve got to make it a habit – and that requires identifying where you go wrong.

1. You don’t know what you want out of life.

I had someone tell me once that organizing my thoughts and planning my day was a waste of time. OK, that wasn’t just one person… it was everyone I know who doesn’t have a plan for the future. Those who do have a plan have a very general plan that doesn’t intertwine every aspect of their life. We think that things are separate, and that they won’t affect any other areas of our lives. Wrong.

Everything that directly or indirectly affects you, as a person, is connected, or at least they should be if you want the greatest chance of achieving them. These goals will need to align with one another, or at least coexist with one another – and you won’t know that unless you examine them more closely.

2. You don’t have a purpose.

Please note that “purpose” and “worth” are not the same thing. The purpose we’re talking about today is your calling, that thing you were drawn to do. This purpose can fall into any facet of your life – maybe you’re drawn to be a parent, or a call center employee, or a doctor. No matter what you feel called to do, your entire life will benefit if you find that purpose and work for it.

You can find your purpose, from achieving a level of spiritual and self-awareness. This is what most people think of when they hear “find your purpose”. They refer to the art of figuring out what you want to do with your life.

But you can also create purpose for your life, by finding a way to be fulfilled with what you’re already doing. If you love your job, or your volunteer work, or even your blog full of cat pictures (hey – my Instagram is full of journal pages, no judgment here), find a way to use that part of your life to fulfill other parts of your life. Find a way to love your life with everything you have – and you’ll attract someone who loves their life just as much.

3. You don’t know what you’re looking for.

Many of us, in an effort to prevent limiting our options (or to prevent hurting other people’s feelings) neglect to evaluate the type of person they hope to see themselves with. They may believe that it’s bad to have a type, because aren’t we trying to break away from these limiting labels?

Well, yes – but having a type is helpful in deciding what you want. Your type shouldn’t be limited by things that are bound to change, such as her outer appearance, her clothing style, or her social status. But, you should have an idea of the things you want and don’t want, in terms of her personality and mannerisms. Of course there’s no such thing as a perfect fit – but you won’t know what you’re willing to look past until you know what you want.

4. You’re not trying.

It’s beautiful thinking that you’re going to run into Mrs. Right someday, right when you’re ready for love, and everything’s going to work out perfect. Maybe you order the same macchiato at the local café and when your eyes lock, it’s just heaven. I’m not going to say this never happens, but… The odds aren’t exactly in your favor.

I understand why this fantasy is so prevalent, though. No one wants to go outside of their routine. That’s part of the “creatures of habit” thing I was talking about earlier. For people who are particularly busy, it can seem next to impossible to make time to date. But if you truly don’t have the time to date, you’ll need to evaluate whether dating is worth dropping some other commitment – maybe watch less television or agree to less overtime.

We all get the same 24 hours in a day. We make time for the things that are important to us. It’s up to you to decide what that means for you.

5. You’re looking in the wrong places.

Back when I was single, I had tons of single friends pushing me to go look for a date at the bar. “Come on, most girls are there to find someone nice.” I wasn’t buying it, though. If you’re not interested in the bar scene, it wouldn’t make sense for you to try and find a date there – you’d have nothing (automatically) in common. At best, it’d be a shot in the dark.

The same is true for any place you could look. If you don’t enjoy the things you’re doing to try to attract a partner, they’re not going to become a part of who you are, and you won’t be able to keep up the appearances. Compare the things you enjoy to the things you now know about your ideal future partner (from #3, above). Where would she be, and where can you find her? It’ll still be a shot in the dark, but at least this time you’ll have a candle.

6. You don’t network.

Personally, big crowds of people are not my thing. I work much better one-on-one than I ever could dream of doing in a group. When I go out in public, I keep to myself, until a person comes up to me and talks to me. It’s not that I’m antisocial – it’s that I’m conditioned to not make the first contact. Once engaged in conversation, I’m one of the most vocal you’ll find – as long as it’s just me and you. I know there are some people who are great at chatting up a whole group, or starting the conversation with the most alluring person in the room, without any hesitation. I am not one of those people, and I don’t think I ever will be.

But, with practice, you can learn how to break out of the cycle of “wait until approached” that may be ingrained in your personality. The more introverted you are, the more difficult it’s going to be at the start, but the more rewarding it’s going to be once you’re able to network at your own command. After all, what are you going to do if you and your soul mate are both waiting for the other to act? A failure to communicate can easily wreck a relationship at any stage, even if it hasn’t begun yet.

7. You try to be someone you’re not.

This is one of the biggest offenders in cases where a person has a few successful dates, and then things go awry without any notice. (Although, usually there are signs, you just didn’t see them until after the fact.) If either of you is pretending to be the person you think will attract the person you want, without actually committing to making the changes happen, it’s going to end badly.

The person who’s pretending may completely lose their ability to maintain the image, resulting in the other partner being completely heartbroken at the revelation that it was all a lie (well-intentioned or not). In other cases, the guilt of being untrue to oneself will consume, and the person pretending won’t be able to handle it anymore. Yet another situation exists when the person resents who they’ve become for the other person, and may transfer the blame to their partner – whether their partner asked for these changes or not. (These usually happen a little further into a relationship, but not always).

It’s human nature to give someone the benefit of the doubt the first few times things don’t quite add up, especially if you’re very attracted to them – but eventually, the truth will come out. Either be the person you want to be, or don’t. Don’t dwell in the in-between.

8. You’re not flexible.

One of the most damaging things with any of these situations is when you’re not willing to adapt to things not going your way – and, in terms of a relationship (or would-be relationship), they can be devastating. After all, there is another human being involved with all decisions that face the relationship between the two of you – and for those who are used to being in control of their own ships, this can be tough to adjust to. Sometimes, things just don’t work out like they’re supposed to. But that doesn’t always mean they’re doomed. In fact, most of the time, it’s a test of your flexibility – can you adapt and survive, or will you get left behind?

Plans change, and people do, too. This means that anything you set out in life now may not be the same in ten years. How can you adequately predict what will be important to you ten or twenty years from now? Passion and perseverance go hand in hand, but it’s not always black and white as to which is in charge. You can learn to love anyone, and anything – if you give yourself enough time. Just make sure you’re not setting yourself up for unhappiness in order to achieve it.

I think most of us have been in the type of relationship where it feels like we’re doing all the work. Maybe it’s long-distance, but only one of you does the traveling. Maybe you live together, and only one of you is doing the cooking and cleaning and other boring (but slightly romantic) stuff around the house. Whatever the situation, it weighs on both of you, and you start to resent your partner for it.

This isn’t good.

This is bad relationship territory.

But, it can be a really tough habit to break if you don’t speak up. Most of the time, the person who’s doing more isn’t telling her partner how it makes her feel. Most of the time, we stay silent, because we don’t want to be a nag, or worse – an asshole.

It’s hard to find balance, especially when you’re holding it in until you just can’t take it anymore. Trust me – I’ve been there. Multiple times because apparently I’m not a very fast learner. (I think it actually has something to do with humans being creatures of habit, but that doesn’t mean it’s a particularly pleasant habit to have.)

This situation is definitely easier to address, the earlier you do it, but that doesn’t mean that you want to start complaining right at the first sign of discord, right?

Rest assured – there is a way to save a relationship that’s gone one-sided. It’s not going to be easy, and it will require a conscious effort from both of you, but it is possible.

Hold your partner (and yourself) to a slightly higher standard.

This shouldn’t be about control or manipulation. It also shouldn’t be about unreasonable expectations. There’s a difference between expecting more and expecting it all. I’ve heard somewhere that you should expect to improve by about 1% every day that you try to improve.

In short, this means that – once reasonable expectations have been set – it’s going to take at least three months of conscious work to actually get things where you want them. This might sound like a lot, but there’s no such thing as an overnight habit.

Aside from just setting expectations for your partner, you need to expect more from yourself, too. I know what you’re thinking – I’m here because I’m already doing too much! – but that’s not what I’m saying. You need to improve your ability to communicate your needs to your partner. You need to make an effort to gracefully present the problems you see.

I’m sure you know that starting a fight over every little thing isn’t going to fix the problem, but neither is bottling everything up. Work on your communication so you can express yourself without causing unnecessary hurt feelings and overreactions – on both sides.

Two words: “Step up”.

Whether your girlfriend is willing to try or not is going to make all the difference here. You can’t (and shouldn’t) force someone to change. Developing a more symbiotic and balanced relationship absolutely requires that your girlfriend also wants a more symbiotic relationship – and not everyone is ready for this step.

Most people (men and women alike) have personal quanitifiers for what makes a relationship “worth” the extra work. In cases where you feel you’re putting in more effort, it probably means that you have looser quanitifiers in play than your partner (or you could be unaware of where the balance actually lies).

Talk to your partner about how you feel, and about how she feels. Most people enjoy a challenge when they see the benefits as “worthwhile”. When the benefits no longer outweigh the challenges, this is when we start to feel burnt out and used. Be brave enough to discuss your feelings before this happens – remember, the change is going to come slowly, if it comes at all.

You can do things for her without catering to her.

I always used to resent the song Cater 2 U (Destiny’s Child… Look it up if you haven’t heard it). I felt like the way Beyonce spoke about her man was just an unfair standard – I don’t think there are too many people out there who actually want to cater to their partner, at least not all the time.

It’s perfectly fine to spoil your partner every now and then. In fact, it’s important that you both spoil each other. But if one of you is doing all the spoiling while the other is reaping all the words, it will drain you – faster than you expect. It needs to be even, or at least close.

That’s not to say that you two need to do the same things for each other. In my household, I do most of the cooking, and my partner does most of the massaging. That’s something that works well for us. But we share our other responsibilities, and that’s important to keeping both of us sane.

Actions speak louder than words. Always.

When you realize what you deserve, it makes it almost impossible to settle for anything less. This is a good thing, believe it or not. But saying what you won’t stand for and actually not standing for it are drastically different. If you tell your partner you’re at the end of your rope, but then continue to allow yourself to be walked on, it’s going to send a very clear message that you’ve got quite a bit of rope left – and you’re going to hang yourself with it.

Likewise, it’s important to realize that your partner’s actions are more important than her words, too. Anyone can say that they’re going to try to improve themselves – but it takes a strong person to actually put forth the effort to make the changes. Don’t settle for hearing about the improvements – expect to see them.

Sometimes, the relationship already in progress seems comfortable, and worth the pain you put up with. I promise you, once you feel what real love – not just convenience – feels like, you’ll wonder how you ever dealt with that “comfort” you had before. Make up your mind that you must have results, and not just empty promises. If she’s not able to hold up her promises, she’s not ready to have you.

Understand that neither of you has to do anything.

Not everyone is ready for a relationship they have to work for. It’s easy to feel that’s unfair, but it’s a personal decision – and, technically, there’s nothing wrong with it. She is free to choose not to work for your affections.

But, by the same token, you are not obligated to give your affections to someone who’s not ready to work for them. As much as you may love and care about your partner, she’s never a necessary part of your life. If your relationship brings you more pain than happiness, it’s probably time to let it go. Trust me when I tell you this isn’t as hard as it feels like it will be. Your heart will thank you for it.

When we first enter a new relationship, it can be all too easy to limit ourselves to what we think it’s “the right time” for. Is it too early to miss someone? Is it too early to want to be exclusive? Is it too early to put your foot down about the things you won’t settle for?

Well, in short… No. But the long answer is that many of these things are a personal choice – and you can’t expect someone to meet your standards until after you’ve discussed your standards with them.

It’s absolutely essential that you lay the framework for your relationship early on, so that neither of you wastes your time longing for things the other person isn’t willing to give you. It’s also important to remember that not everyone agrees about what’s required in a relationship – don’t take for granted that your partner shares your priorities until after you’ve discussed these things.

1. Compliments

Even the most secure person can benefit from a well-delivered compliment. It boosts our self-esteem, it makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it really doesn’t take that long to do. Not everyone is able to deliver sincere, meaningful compliments on a daily basis, but your partner should be trying. If they’re completely unable to provide you with any positive reinforcement of the things you’re doing “right”, so to speak, you might need to speak up about it. Just remember to be fair about your expectations – compliments don’t come naturally to everyone.

2. Support

Everyone who has flaws, and those who don’t think they do have one of the biggest flaws of all. But in your relationships, you shouldn’t have to ask your partner to be supportive. She should naturally want to see you in the way that makes you happiest. Encourage your partner to be herself – the version of herself that brings her the most happiness – and don’t be afraid to say something if she’s not doing the same for you. Everyone deserves to have her partner actually be a partner.

3. Spooning

Some of us have it mentally ingrained that we’re either “the big spoon” or “the little spoon”. These ideas are great and all, but sometimes it’s good to switch it up. If your partner usually holds you, try flipping the switch and wrap your arms around her every now and then! If instead, you’re used to being the big spoon already, don’t be afraid to ask her to hold you if you want to give it a shot. Trust me, it doesn’t mess up your relationship dynamics, if you’re worried about that. It just makes the two of you more equal.

4. Clarity

There’s no rule that says that relationships are always monogamous. There’s no rule that says a fling is never exclusive. The two of you should feel free to express what you really want out of the relationship, without worrying about whether it’ll mess things up. If you’re not comfortable sharing, say so. If you’re not comfortable being monogamous, say so. Never assume that the things you want are the same as the things she wants.

5. Emotion

No matter how you feel personally about displaying your emotions, you shouldn’t hide your emotions from your partner. (I’m inclined to leave it all on the page, instead of on my face. I’m working on that.) She deserves to see you in a state of vulnerability, and she deserves to share in your happiness. Whatever the emotions are, hiding them away from your partner isn’t the right way to handle things. If she can’t accept the emotions you have, she’s not the girl for you.

6. Effort with Appearance

Okay, so I’m going to throw the disclaimer in here first: One partner should absolutely never ask the other partner to change their physical appearance or their style. Chances are, that style is one of the things that attracted you two together in the first place. But if you’re going to a fancy restaurant, most likely you won’t be wearing the same type of outfit that you’d wear to the movie theater – and you have the right to expect your partner to meet the dress code standards of your destinations. If she’s not comfortable dressing “up to code” with the place you’re planning to go, don’t go to that place – it’s that simple.

7. Effort with Hygiene

You and your partner should be taking good care of yourself at least most of the time. Your clothes should be clean (or at least not smell – but preferably clean). Your face should be washed, your hair should be washed as appropriate for your hair type (I need to wash my hair every other day, but women with short or curly hair can probably get away with going longer). And your teeth should be brushed every day – gingivitis is not sexy.

8. Alone Time

I know how hard it is to remember your alone time when you first start a relationship. I’ve had first dates that lasted days, and I’ve had relationships that “got serious” right from the start. But it is so important to maintain your own space, especially in the beginning of a relationship. The more time you spend with a single person, the more influence they’re going to have over your life. This means the good and the bad. It’s necessary to give yourself specific time to be yourself – not just someone’s girlfriend.

9. Couple Time

As important as your alone time is, your “couple time” is equally important. This helps to create the bond that will help keep you together through problems. The specific schedule for how much time you should spend together will be unique to your own situation, but it’s important that both of you are getting your needs met. If your partner doesn’t seem to have time for you, you don’t have a partner – you have an acquaintance with strings attached. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you want to see your partner more than you actually do see each other.

I’m a child of diversity. I’ve never understood the point of “only” dating a certain race. After all, if you go back far enough, very few of us are strictly from one particular country or region, so even if it was an issue, it’s not really an issue.

I know I’m a bit mixed myself, even though you can’t tell by looking at me. And when I go out with my also-mixed girlfriend, things can get a bit peculiar, especially when we’re hanging around people who mean well, but don’t quite get it.

I’d like to take a minute to step up and address some of the most common stupid things we hear. If you have ever said any of these things to friends or acquaintances, please stop – I promise you they are not coming across how (I hope) you intend them.

1. “How politically correct.”

No. This isn’t a political statement, this is our relationship, and it’d be nice if you butted out of it, thanks.

2. “I love mixed babies!”

First of all, not everyone chooses to have children. Second, mixed or not mixed – babies are freaking cute.

3. “What did your parents think?”

They get along great. They understand that race isn’t everything in life, and in fact, it’s very little.

4. “How sexy”

Yes, because we totally fell in love to be a sex symbol for others.

5. “Do you think you’re too good for your own race?”

No, I think humans are too diverse to be color-coded.

6. “Isn’t it hard being gay and interracial?”

It’s not really any harder than any other relationship, aside from dealing with the people who think that our relationship is their business.

7. “Won’t it be hard for you kids?”

Again, not everyone chooses to have kids – and I think the world at large is getting a lot more accepting of diversity and less accepting of bratty little shits who bully other kids.

8. “Do you guys know [other interracial and/or queer couple here]?”

Uh, no. But if I meet them, I’ll let you know.

9. “I’ve always wanted to date a person of another race.”

I’m not with her because she’s a different race than me. I’m with her because I love her, and she happens to have a different shade of skin. My girlfriend is not a trophy or a token.

10. “Have you always had a thing for [insert race here] women?”

Well, now that you mention it… I have always thought that women in general were pretty neat. But the more we stick each other (and ourselves) into little boxes, the less we keep our individuality.

11. “I dated someone [insert race here] one time, but my parents made us break up.”

Something tells me your situation is not like my situation.

12. “You must be brave!”

Yes, because my relationship is an act of courage – not an act of the heart. Right. I’ll keep that in mind.

13. “Is the sex different?”

Wait, what? Why is it your business? And, by the way, it’s been a bit different with everyone I’ve ever dated.

14. “Did you guys meet online?”

Because people with different skin colors can’t meet in the real world…?

15. “Was it weird the first time your parents met her parents?”

Well, yes, but no weirder than it would be any time the parents all get together.

16. “So… Are the stereotypes true?”

When we choose to see someone, not as the person they are but instead as a group of characteristics based on their appearance, we are dehumanizing them and turning them into a novelty. Don’t be that guy.

The age-old question: Do I want to be her, or do I want to fuck her?

Let’s face it we’ve all been there…

For a long time, I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was gay. I caught myself looking at other girls in class, but I told myself it wasn’t normal, and that I should “try to be normal” from there on out. Of course, it didn’t work – I was still pretty gay. But, I pushed all those thoughts aside, repressed my inner “demons”, and tackled the world as if my thoughts about females were completely unwarranted and unnatural.

Obviously, they weren’t. We know that being gay isn’t something you can change (even if you’re dedicated to trying). We know that there’s only so long you can push things back before they start to bite you in the ass. And of course, we know that “straight-acting” girls don’t face the same hardships that queer-presenting girls do.

Yet still, there’s an astounding amount of biphobia and gold star elitism within the queer community.

I dated guys for a while when I was young – 7^th and 8^th grade, mostly. Things never really worked out, and most of the time, it turned out that the guys I picked were actually interested in guys. (True story, my first boyfriend came out about a month after I did… But I had known for a lot longer.) And yet, I couldn’t see the connection.

I tried dating guys again, when I was a little older – the year between 18 and 19, to be specific. (Yes, my “bi-curious phase” lasted almost a year to the day – I think I was about ten days short.) It didn’t work out, then, but for a different reason. I already knew who I was, and I was trying to shove myself back in the closet.

As I’m sure you could tell, it didn’t really work. I was really, really gay, and no amount of man-dating could change that.

It’s a funny thing, though. When I identified as “bi, gay-leaning”, I didn’t have as many problems as I did when I identified as “gay, with a bi past”. The differences between the two are super subtle, at least from my perspective, but they do exist – and sometimes, they make all the difference.

If you’re considering dating a woman who used to identify as straight or bisexual, but is interested in dating women, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Human sexuality is fluid.

Although it doesn’t change for everyone, there is a possibility that your sexuality will change over the course of your life. A woman who once identified as bisexual (or even straight!) may change her mind over time. That doesn’t mean that either identity was untruthful, but it does mean that situations change.

Most people are conditioned to default as straight.

I can remember a saying in my family for a long time: “It’s okay to be gay.” Of course, it was always mentioned abstractly – like don’t judge the gay couple that lives across the street – rather than in a concrete way that made it okay “for me”. By default, people are assumed to be straight – and whether you agree with that assumption or not, it doesn’t change the way most of the world thinks.

Her past is technically not your business.

If your girlfriend tells you something you didn’t particularly want to hear, you need to understand that she did it so there were no secrets. She didn’t have to tell you. In fact, many women won’t tell someone, because of the prevalence of biphobia, even toward women who identify as lesbians. If she didn’t tell you, and instead you heard about it from someone else, it’s probably because she assumed you’d react badly – so don’t prove her right. She is under no obligation to tell you about things that happened before you two got together.

She is not your cheating ex.

I get it – I’ve dated girls who cheated on me with guys, too. It sucks. I don’t know why it’s so much more painful than being cheated on with another woman, but it is for so many of us. But if you’re still stuck on the pain from your previous relationship, it’s not your girlfriend who has a problem – it’s you. If you can’t get over the pain that someone else caused, and it’s severe enough that you’re blaming a completely unrelated party, you’re not ready to be in a relationship.

An identity is just a word (or a few words).

The choice of labels and identity, while largely agreed upon by the large portion of the community, are not set-in-stone definitions. As such, it’s not up to you to decide whether someone’s identity is valid, or if it implies anything about them. (It doesn’t.) She can be a lesbian now, even if she previously identified as straight. And, in all honesty, it could go both ways – you may someday realize that you’re not gay anymore. (I’m not saying that you’re not really gay now – but things can change, due to factors outside our control.)

Curiosity is completely normal.

It’s human nature to wonder what’s on the other side of the fence. Some of us skip past the sexual curiosity, but that doesn’t mean that the curiosity invalidates the eventual conclusion. In my own life, my curiosity went the opposite direction that most people’s did. Do I regret it? Well, yes – but only because of the hateful people who think that I’m not really gay because I’ve got a past that reads otherwise. But, just as a straight woman can experiment with women and, at the end of the day, understand that she really is straight… So can I experiment with men and come to understand that I really am gay. For those who took the more “traditional” exploration path, it’s no different.

Bisexuality doesn’t imply infidelity.

I really don’t understand the assumption that bisexuals (or those mislabeled as bisexuals) are more likely to cheat. Most people are pretty selective with their partners, whether they consider gender a deciding factor or not. The people who are less selective typically tend to get attached easier, making them less likely to cheat, too. Moreover, with the seeds of acceptance for polyamorous culture starting to sprout, more and more poly people are being honest with their partners that they’d rather not be monogamous – giving you the opportunity to decide whether that’s important to you or not.

Our past doesn’t define our future.

If someone used to have sex with men, but now chooses to have sex with you, that means she’s with you. If she had sex with a minor, when she was still a minor, but now she’s an adult, does that make her a pedophile? No – not unless she’s still having sex with minors, right? Granted, heterosexual sex is not nearly the same thing as pedophilia, but I’m hoping my drastic comparison helps to settle the confusion. Who you used to be is not necessarily who you are now.

Because there are a million reasons, and all are perfectly valid.

There are so many reasons a woman might have had sex with a man before. Maybe she wanted to conceive a child naturally (I’ve known women like that). Maybe she was hiding her sexuality from family members (I’ve known women like that, too). Maybe she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what other people think of her life – I applaud women like that! Whatever her reason was, I assure you she had one, and whether you agree with it or not, she shouldn’t have to live up to your arbitrary standards of she “should” be. Don’t take yourself so seriously all the time.

[interaction id=”56cf0bdffe5d459225c6c657″]

For those of us who came out later in life, we’re often faced with scrutiny based on how “valid” our chosen identity is. (Okay, I came out at 16, so I’m not really sure I count as “later-in-life”, when compared to the average lesbian, but I definitely came out later than some of my peers. My queer peers, that is.)

“You’re not really a lesbian – you’ve never even dated a woman!”

“How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never had sex with a woman?”

“But… You’ve only ever been with men… so you’re not really gay.”

How many of these have you heard in your own life? I wish I could tell you that this barrage of (what feels like) personal attacks will stop once you’ve “established” yourself within the community, but for most lesbians… They don’t stop. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter if someone else validates your identity. Your identity is personal, and only needs to make sense to you.

Opinions are like assholes.

Sorry to be so brash here, but there’s some truth in this old saying:

“Opinions are like assholes – everyone has one, and they all stink.”

Pretty much everyone you come into contact with is going to have an opinion about your life, and that opinion isn’t necessarily going to agree with your own opinions. Naturally, if your opinion doesn’t correspond with someone else’s opinion, you’re going to disagree.

When this opinion happens to relate to the validity of your personal identity, you’re definitely going to think their opinion stinks – and they’re probably going to think the same of yours. My advice? Ignore them – if someone chooses to invalidate your identity, they’re not only misinformed, but also incredibly arrogant.

No one says that to straight people.

While I can sort of appreciate the idea of having to “try” something before you know if it’s “for you” or not, the hypocrisy of the way this statement is conveyed from one person to another says a lot about them. I’ve known women who are quick to tell someone who identifies as straight that they could be gay and not even know, because they’ve never “tried it”. But, when someone who identifies as gay approaches them, and lacks the proper “experience”, they’re written off as if they’re just doing it for the attention.

As with any other forms of profiling, this is unfair, and often untrue. While I can accept that it is possible that someone could identify a certain way as a purely political statement, that doesn’t make it the default – and I refuse to believe that it is the default reason why a person would come out.

I think the worst thing about this is that it implies heteronormativity, even within the queer community. Personally, I’ve been guilty of this type of erasure with bisexual friends – it’s so ingrained into our day-to-day interactions that we forget that it’s really not that common to come out “just for fun”.

Your love life is no one else’s business.

Here’s a little bit of fun: I get paid to talk about my love life, both romantically and sexually. I love what I do, but a lot of that love comes from the knowledge that it’s not an obligation, it’s a choice. There is nothing that someone could do to make me tell them about my love life, and if you’re struggling with invalidation by your peers, it might be helpful to know that it’s none of their business what your experience is.

Sure, in some situations, people are going to know your business. It’s almost unavoidable. But when they answer you about your personal business, you don’t have to give them an answer. They’re going to make their own speculations either way. You can’t “talk yourself into” credibility, so it’s best if you decide that other people’s validation doesn’t matter to you.

Your label (and identity) are defined by you and you alone.

Arguably the most important reason why another person’s validation of your identity is irrelevant is that your personal identity is… Well… personal. People are entitled to disagree with your identity as you define it, but that doesn’t make it wrong. That just means that they disagree.

There are “general guidelines” that apply to most of the commonly-used labels (such as stud vs. femme, lesbian vs. bisexual vs. straight, etc.), but these guidelines should be viewed more as an average. The words you choose to identify yourself tell a lot more about you than the words that other people use to define you. (This is particularly true if you use negative descriptors for yourself, although we’re going to consider your sexual identity a neutral descriptor.)

It can feel great when people agree with your self-identification, and it can be painful if people don’t agree. But it’s most important that you agree with your label – which means, if you consider yourself a lesbian, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any “references”. If you feel that you’re a lesbian, you are a lesbian.

You probably will have a girlfriend eventually.

Most people don’t come out of the womb already partnered – and most people don’t come out of the closet with a girlfriend, either. That doesn’t undermine your identity. It doesn’t invalidate your experience. It doesn’t even make you a minority!

If you haven’t had a girlfriend yet, don’t worry – it doesn’t mean anything negative about you. In fact, a lack of a girlfriend early in your “queer career” (no, I don’t mean that being gay automatically gets you a paycheck, sadly) usually means that you’re more particular about who you date – which is definitely a good thing.

Asexuality is also a very real (and valid) identity.

Even if you don’t ever have a girlfriend, that doesn’t mean anything negative, by default. If you’re genuinely not interested in getting a girlfriend, asexuality (or aromanticism) is a very definite possibility that’s still picking up attention – it’s worth looking into if you don’t feel that you “fit” into another label.

Given the theory that sexuality is fluid, anyway, it makes sense that people may go through a period of asexuality, even if they are otherwise a highly sexualized person. My partner likes to joke that I’m acutely asexual if it’s been a little longer than she’d like since the last time I “gave it up”.

While her joke does inadvertently minimize the actual asexual community, it’s an idea I have played with in my head – do I go through periods of asexuality, interspersed with periods of hypersexuality? Statistically speaking, it’s very possible, although I’m way too lazy to do the science-y stuff it would take to figure out if that’s actually the case with me. Particularly for those who are questioning their sexuality after a specific incident with someone of their normally-preferred-gender, acute asexuality should be seen as a possibility (and the existence of acute asexuality is absolutely separate from “permanent asexuality”).

Why does anyone else even care?

As humans, we’re almost pre-programmed to think that our opinions of someone else’s life are not only warranted, but welcomed. Of course, we also reject someone else’s perceived opinions of us unless they correspond with how we feel about ourselves. These two theories seem to contradict, but in reality, it makes a lot of sense that this is how most people feel.

Expressing our opinions comes from a place of confidence. When we are certain of how we feel, we’re more likely to communicate those feelings. We’re also programmed to think that we’re right, unless someone presents a compelling argument as to why we’re wrong. Naturally, this applies to ourselves as well as others.

When we assert our opinions as “facts” over others, we are generally presenting ourselves as arrogant. A stubbornness and a refusal to accept someone else’s truths as objective facts goes beyond the normal amounts of “confidence” and encroach on self-centered behavior. So, in short, their rejection of your personal identity doesn’t mean your identity is wrong – it means they’re narcissistic. Give yourself a pat on the back and walk away – they’re not worth any more of your time.

[interaction id=”56fd3e285ac3fae67ab32585″]

Dear KitschMix,

I need some insight. I have a friend I met online 4 years ago. She lives in Australia and I’m in America. We clicked from the very beginning and I was instantly attracted to her personality even without seeing her face. When I saw her it was just the icing on a delicious cake and I’ve been falling hard since minute one.

Although it seems like our friendship goes through a cycle. We will go months without talking and then start up again. The conversation gets deeper and deeper until someone catches feelings. Then we stop talking and so on and on. How do I break the bank cycle and stop being afraid and help her stop being afraid? Usually I have to take a break because I don’t have the money to go see her and plans to meet fall through. How do I take it to the next step?

Yikes – that situation is never any fun. I’ve been in a few long-distance relationships before, and they almost always end up having extra complications. It can be even more difficult if you have someone who’s not implicitly your girlfriend, but you still have feelings for her… I’ve never been in that situation with someone that far away, but up until pretty recently I was pretty broke most of the time, so visiting my long-distance girlfriends (and friends) required someone who was going the same way I wanted to go, and hoping they had an extra seat in their car. As you can imagine, that didn’t really happen too often, either.

If you have feelings for her, I really recommend coming right out and telling her how you feel. It doesn’t need to be some grand, romantic gesture (although it certainly can be, if that’s what you want to do). If it were me, I’d sit down and draft something, then write and rewrite it a few times until I was totally sure that what I wanted to say was being expressed well… But if that’s not your style, just say it however it comes into your mind. There’s not really a wrong way to do this, as long as you understand that there are no guarantees about h0w it’ll turn out.

If she does feel the same way, and money is an obstacle for you, it’s possible that she might be willing to help you get the money saved up. If this is something important to you, there are usually things you can cut out of your budget to make room for saving. I don’t know what your specific financial situation is, of course, but most people in the United States are living well above their means, whether because of our ridiculously low minimum wage, high unemployment rates, or just an unrealistic budgeting expectation.

Whichever the cause is for you, setting aside a little bit of money – even if it’s only $5 at a time – will add up over time. I was able to find a flight from the US to Australia for under $300, which would take just over a year to save up, with $5 a week. If she is willing and to pitch in about half, it would take about 7 months – and that’s if you’re each putting in only $5 a week. If you’re able to do $20 a week (each), it’ll take less than two months. Again, I don’t know what your specific financial situation is, or exactly where in the United States you are, but if you’re anything like me, breaking your savings goals into much smaller amounts makes them seem so much more manageable and attainable.

If your bank also offers a “keep-the-change” program (different banks call it different things), I highly recommend taking advantage of this feature, too. For a long time, this was the only type of savings transfers I did… Not that I’m recommending you take this approach. Save up your pocket change at the end of the day. Basically, look for any areas of spending you can reasonably cut, and cut the ones that are less important to you than your long-distance boo. Prioritizing your expenses seems super boring, I know, but I promise it makes it so much easier to save money that way.

I really hope that these tips have helped… Please don’t hesitate to write back in if you need more information about anything I’ve suggested!

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend is STRAIGHT!!! She’s a very pretty girl, very smart, and very funny. She’s the woman every man wants to get with.

When we go out we’re usually in straight clubs, around straight people or drunk-ass girls who want to experiment, but hardly EVER any LESBIANS!! She gets a LOT of male attention, and with that comes attention for ME. But it’s always COMPLETELY unwarranted. I never make it seem like I’m interested in ANY guys. Not even the SLIGHTEST.

I often get so uncomfortable that most of the times I just go stand by myself in a corner and awkwardly dance to music wishing that I could leave. Despite this I never complain to her. I let me friend enjoy the attention she gets, and get on with the night

However, the other night, we went to the club and things were reversed. I had a couple of women come up to me tipsy flirting & mingling and whatnot. My friend wandered off, the same way that I do, but she soon came back, annoyed, irritated and complaining. I tried not to let it bother me but it did.

She made the people I was talk to very uncomfortable, and totally messed up my night. When I talked to her about it she brushed it off. We’ve been good friends for years but at this point I’m just OVER IT. I can’t understand why she had such an issue.

Well, reader, let me start by saying: The problem here isn’t that your friend is straight, it’s that she’s unfair. I’ve had this happen with my gay friends, my straight friends, and even my girlfriends. (One time, I was accompanied to the gay bar by a straight male friend – I know, not a great idea – and he was actually upset that I was getting more female attention than him… Like, sir, do you know where you are right now? Anyway… This isn’t about him, this is about your friend.)

I’d also like to state that your friend isn’t responsible for the male attention you receive when you go out. In any bars, there’s a general preconception that anyone there is “fair game”, so to speak. This isn’t exactly a fair assumption, but I have noticed that it happens a lot. There are some men who see a woman showing zero interest as a sign that she’s “hard to get”. I don’t like this in the least, but I also don’t think it’s going anywhere. (Then again, I’m the type who somehow attracts the straight guys at the gay bar even – totally how I met the friend mentioned above, actually.)

Can I give you a metaphorical pat on the back for not complaining to your friend? As I’ve said, it’s not your friend’s fault, so as easy as it could be to “blame” her, it’s great that you don’t. It’s also pretty messed up that she seems to blame you when the shoe is on the other foot.

Let me be very clear, again: This has nothing to do with her being straight. She might be completely unaware of how you feel about this new reversal, since (as you said) you don’t complain or anything when it happens to you. Some people are, unfortunately, blind to how others are affected by a situation, and rely solely on personal experience. I recommend you try explaining it to her as follows:

I know the other night at the bar wasn’t so great for you, but the reality is, it’s always like that for me. But I don’t complain about it because I know you’re having a good time. Now that you’ve seen things from my perspective, could you try to notice when I’m feeling uncomfortable when we’re out together?

Of course, you’ll need to adjust this to suit your needs (and so it feels less scripted, I suppose). You’ll want to touch on how you can relate to how she was feeling that night, and also point out that she’s being unfair to you if she expects you to put up with the same sort of thing she can’t put up with herself.

This is a generalization, though – it is entirely possible that she’s completely unaware that you’ve even been in this situation. As you said, you get attention when you go out together, although it’s not the attention you want. I’ve found that those who identify as straight – particularly those who are “gay friendly” but not exactly the best allies – don’t understand the difference between “flattering attention” and “wanted attention”. I’ve had a number of straight friends tell me that I should “feel flattered” when straight guys relentlessly hit on me in bars… And that I should take it as a compliment when these guys are being downright creepy.

In the end, though, the difference between romantic and creepy lies largely in whether or not you find the person attractive – so someone who is “gay friendly” could be flattered by being hit on by the same sex, and assume that you feel the same way. In some cases, all that’s necessary is a reminder that this isn’t automatically the case.

I’ve been a strong advocate for online dating for a long time now. In fact, my mom is constantly badgering me about “meeting the weirdos from the internet”, because (admittedly) sometimes the person you meet isn’t exactly what you were hoping for – and sometimes, it can go really wrong. Every time I try to argue that it’s not just the weirdos using online dating anymore, and really I’ve only ever had about 3 or 4 “bad matches” on online dating sites… She still won’t stop with it. Even now that I haven’t used any online dating sites in years.

She does have some good points, though – there are probably some things that most people do on their online dating profiles that might be setting you up for disappointment. How many online dating faux pas are you guilty of?

Your Profile Picture

Be clear.

It should go without saying, but… Your profile picture should be a picture of you. Ideally, just you – that way there’s no confusion over who in the picture the profile actually belongs to. (Plus, it’s not really polite to put someone else’s privacy out there like that, so unless you’re trying to attract a partner for you and whoever else is in the picture, stick to solo shots.)

Be comfortable.

Your profile picture should show you something that feels comfortable to you. It shouldn’t be a picture of you in that bridesmaid’s dress you wore one time and cursed at the whole time. It shouldn’t be a picture of you gutting a fish, if you hate outdoorsy/wilderness stuff. Your profile picture should give a glimpse into your personality – not act as a lure.

Be confident and content.

You should be happy in your profile picture – no exceptions! If you’re not smiling, your profile is going to get passed over. However fair or unfair the situation may sound, everyone who looks at your profile will see you as your profile picture indicates. This also means that you shouldn’t edit your pictures in a way that alters your appearance – no matter how you feel about it. While incompatibilities based purely on looks are really shallow, you do want the person you meet up with to like you for how you actually are, not for how you can make yourself look with enough editing time. Makeup and filters are fine – but no blurring or weird angles!

Be current.

Any picture posted on your profile should be reasonably current. While the exact timelines are bound to vary, if you’re actively using the dating app, it’s totally reasonable to switch your pics out every month. If it’s just sort of sitting there, waiting for someone to swipe right, you should still swap the pictures out every few months. Make sure the new pictures follow the same rules as the ones you’re replacing.

Your Job Description

Be honest.

If you’re single and unemployed, that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for some people – and saying that you’re unemployed could lead to some new networking opportunities, particularly if your profile mentions that you’re looking for friends and networking, too. While it would be completely inappropriate to use a dating profile specifically for your job search, it’s perfectly fine to mention that you’re looking. Some people don’t mind helping someone to get established.

Be brief.

I don’t have a dating profile at the moment (or at least not any I ever check in on) – but if I were to update my profiles, there would be a lot of information to update. The last time I used any of these apps, I was an assistant at a photography company. Now, I’m a full-time writer, bouncing between my own personal projects, and projects for other people. What would I say on my profile? Simply “Writer” would be fine – just as, before, “Office Assistant” was fine. If someone wants more information about what you do, they can always ask – don’t put too much detail out there. You know… Because of the weirdos.

Your Name and Identity

Be real.

You don’t have to use your birth name, necessarily, but you should use your “real name” in the sense that it would be natural for you to answer to it. Your dating profile isn’t the place to give yourself a new nickname just for the sake of your dating app. No one likes to get to know someone and find out they gave you a fake name – it puts an air of dishonesty over things, even if everything else was going so well.

Don’t hide.

If you’ve created a second social media account to hide the fact that you’re dating online, or to keep your matches away from your “real” account. There are a few problems with this theory – if you have your phone number saved to your Facebook, for example, you’ll automatically be added to the “People You May Know” section of their page – in other words, if someone has your phone number, they can find your Facebook. Thankfully, the opposite isn’t true – so feel free to keep your communication strictly online for as long as it takes you to get comfortable. That’s pretty much why the apps have messaging functions.

Act (and tell) your age.

I’m not sure about you, but if I find out that someone I was interested in lied to me about something as trivial as their age… Well… The flirtationship is over right then. This happens a lot with people who are really young (such as under 18), but also those who are in their 30s (and may feel “really old”). I get why you might feel the need to lie about your age, but really – if you’re “too young” for the app, you should not be on it, and if any match turns you down based on your real age, they were a waste of your time anyway – good riddance!

Your Profile

Be short.

Even if your dating-app-of-choice offers you unlimited characters, your prime profile real estate is going to be within the text that shows without any scrolling or “read more” tags. This is basically true for any online outlet – if someone has to look harder to find the information, the majority of people aren’t going to. Try to make the first 200 or so characters important – even if only to tempt them to read the rest.

Be blunt.

If there’s a specific type of person you’re looking for… Say so. Preferably in those first 200 characters. Obviously, you should find a “nice” way to word it, but don’t waste anyone’s time. If you’re looking for someone who travels (and who will go on road trips with you), make sure you mention that. If you don’t want to date anyone who smokes, make sure you mention that you are a non-smoker seeking same. You shouldn’t alienate those who are “close enough” but not a perfect match, though – so be sure you’re only checking off your deal-breakers and must-haves.

Be secure.

If you sound desperate in your profile, you’re going to come across as desperate. If possible, have a trusted friend look over your profile – he or she could even advise you on what you may be forgetting. This will help you to be more confident in your profile’s integrity, and it’ll also prevent you from humiliating yourself all over the internet. Trust me – it’s worth the awkwardness of asking for a proofread.

Be purposeful.

The words you use to describe yourself tell a lot more about your personality than you might think. I heard somewhere that the first six words that you think to introduce yourself with (i.e. lesbian, writer, your age, your hair color…) tell how you think about yourself. If the things that come to mind are worded positively, it’ll give the impression that you’re more confident. If your descriptors are negative, you’ll sound like you don’t value yourself. Take care to choose the right words to give the image you want, without being dishonest.

Your Attitude

Most importantly, you need to make sure that your attitude is appropriate for what you’re looking for. That “tough guy with a heart of gold” thing is overplayed – just be true to yourself, in as positive a way as possible. I know, I know – it’s not always easy to look at the positive side of things, but if you’re trying to attract someone, you’ll need to find a way to see the silver lining. To get you started, here’s a fun little upside: Finding ways to be more positive about your life will, eventually, actually make your life better. It takes some practice being positive, particularly if it isn’t something you’re used to. But, in finding a way to love your life as it stands, you’ll be that much closer to finding someone who can compliment your life, instead of complicating it.

[interaction id=”56fd3e285ac3fae67ab32585″]

Dear KitschMix,

Yeah, I know… She’s straight, but this crush that I have on her makes me feel so alive (something I haven’t felt in a long time). We work together and have the same schedule, so we see each other QUITE a bit. We goof off and the playful banter between us is. She seems to enjoy it and I sure as hell love it. The problem is, the banter and fun is when we’re around other co-workers.

When she and I are left alone, I’m so incredibly shy and awkward (which is a complete 180 when I’m around others and her). I don’t know what to say or talk about, so she just smiles and leaves me alone.

I’m not completely out (I like to keep to myself about certain things) but I have a feeling she already knows I’m gay. I know there’ll be nothing more than some friendly affection and touches with her, and I’m okay with that. I see her being affectionate to some of our co-workers and I want to be a part of that, but I guess I come across as arms-length.

So my question is, how do I talk to someone that takes my breath (and words) away? What would you do in this situation?

Hello reader, and thank you for writing in! I have actually been in a similar situation more than once, which is especially difficult if you’re not exactly “out” at work. (Back when I had a real-world job, I generally tried to use my invisibility to my advantage, and stayed in the closet at any work-related functions.)

I have to ask you: How sure are you that she’s straight? Is there any chance that she’s just not out either? If you’re crushing hard, and maybe she could be feeling the same way, I’d recommend jumping in and telling her how you feel. If you think she knows you’re into women and she’s not particularly weird about it, that’s a pretty good sign that she wouldn’t shame you for it if you confirmed things.

(Of course, you’ll need to use your own discretion here – there is always a chance that things will go bad, and if you’re in a region where it’s still legal to discriminate based on someone’s sexuality, it’s especially dangerous. Please be sure that it’s safe for you personally to be out at work, just in case she outs you – then hope she doesn’t.)

If you are completely sure that she’s not into you, I really don’t recommend “being a part” of that affection – it can mess with your emotions if it means something different to you than it means to her. Even if you tell yourself you’ll be okay with it, it’s not always easy to predict how you’ll actually react to the situation.

Next, you’ll need to figure out if your crush is easy enough to separate yourself from. In some cases, the crush is going to stay no matter what you do – and it’ll take more willpower to stay “just friends and coworkers” with her at this point. That’s not to say it’ll be impossible, of course, but it will be pretty hard on you. In other cases, it may be as easy as deciding that you’re not going to try for anything. I don’t know you, and I don’t know your crush – only you can figure this part out.

If it were me, I’d probably start out trying to figure out “just how straight” she was. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been guilty of accidental bi-erasure a number of times. As mad as I get at myself every time it happens, it’s a really hard habit to break – is there any chance that you’re doing this, too?

Once you’ve confidently established whether she is or is not interested in women (and maybe a brief overview of her type, if possible), you’ll have some points to either talk yourself into asking her out, or to talk yourself out of crushing on her. It’s not an exact science, but it is a fairly safe place to start.

[interaction id=”55e446ec1cec712a2e4cb80a”]

A broken heart is one of the few things in life that is going to hurt, no matter how much you’ve prepared yourself – and it’s probably going to keep hurting every time it happens. After all, if it doesn’t hurt, is your heart really broken in the first place?

There are a multitude of ways that people cope with this pain. Sometimes, the easiest thing to do is just take things one step at a time.

Step One: Let go.

As hard as it may be, you need to let go of the woman who hurt you. Even if you end up working things out in the future, you won’t be able to “start over fresh” (as you should, with Round Two relationships) unless you’ve completely removed yourself from the pain of Round One. Don’t try to hold onto something that’s not working.

Step two: Feel the pain.

Most people try to distract themselves from the pain, because the pain is uncomfortable. While it’s good to follow your heart to new happiness, it’s not good to distract yourself with drinking, drugs, or other bad habits. Casual sex while you’re recovering from heartbreak is a bad idea, too, as it can lead to extra complicated feelings. Instead, try to focus on forming new, happy habits and hobbies – while still allowing yourself to feel the pain of the break-up.

Step three: Avoid limiting yourself.

Don’t set yourself a time limit for moving on, as this can have a negative consequence on your overall healing time. You should also resist the urge to tell yourself that your ex is the best you’ll ever have – if the two of you broke up, obviously your relationship wasn’t as great as you thought it was. It’s okay to grieve, but it’s not okay to put yourself down because you’re grieving.

Step four: Trust your destiny.

Some people solidly believe that their future is already written for them. It can be tough when that future isn’t what we hoped for – but if you truly believe in the destiny approach, it’s not you who decides your fate – it’s the universe. Personally, I believe we create our own destiny, to an extent. This means that we have to allow ourselves to move forward after a heartbreak, otherwise we’re only moving backwards.

Step five: Don’t dwell.

It’s normal to think back on the good times, and also the bad times. Just make sure that you’re not living there anymore. It’s best to remember that there’s a reason things didn’t work out, and even if you do end up giving it another chance in the future, it’s never going to be exactly the same as it was – so try to avoid the nostalgia.

Step six: Treat yourself.

Spend some time being your own girlfriend for a while. Go out on solo dates, take yourself to the spa, maybe even buy yourself a new sex toy or a bouquet of flowers. Whatever will help you feel loved and appreciated, do it – you deserve to spend this time to focus on the things that make you happy.

Step seven: Don’t blame yourself.

Most relationships end due to incompatibilities, not because one person was horrible and the other person was amazing. (Although, technically, I think this counts as an incompatibility too.) While some people love being showered in attention, other people will feel trapped by this. Some people are liberated by the idea of an open relationship, and other people are insecure about their partner even looking at someone else. In time, you’ll find someone who meets your personal expectations – but not if you’re wallowing in what you did wrong.

Step eight: Be thankful.

Be thankful for the things that your ex taught you. Be thankful for the things you still have even without your ex. Whenever possible, thankfulness and gratitude will go a long way toward your overall happiness. That’s not to say it’ll be easy, especially if you’re not used to being grateful and thankful for things, but it’s important that you try.

Step nine: Keep your chin up.

And for the love of yourself, think of the future. I know it hurts now, but it won’t always hurt. Remember that things happen for a reason – if it wasn’t meant to be, then she was in your life to teach you something. Maybe she was only there to teach you that you deserve better, and that’s fine. Just remember that the future is going to be better, and even the worst pain can’t last forever.

[interaction id=”560bf10ec70ac51c03b3b483″]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated being stuck in the same spot. Whether it was my exact physical position, my personal situation, or even my place of residence, I don’t like sitting still. I fidget, I wander, I travel – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know not everyone is like this, but for me, sitting still gets boring.

When it comes to traveling and starting over, I get a special feeling – almost a euphoric feeling. While I don’t usually care for the actual moving part (I get carsick, and let’s face it, packing is a chore), just being able to see a new place sets my mind at ease. I love the idea of experiencing new things, and knowing that – if I ever “miss home”, I can go back – no questions asked.

If you or your girlfriend is the wandering type, there are a few truths you’ll know about your nomadic lifestyle – and usually, they’re good truths.

1. We love new experiences.

Traveling women do it because they love trying new things. Even if things don’t work out exactly as planned, there’s the satisfaction of knowing that there is an entirely new thing that the two of you tried together. It probably isn’t a shock that this doesn’t only apply to the open road – it’s often true in the bedroom, too.

2. We say yes to new opportunities.

Women who love to travel are often risk takers and opportunists, who see each new opportunity as positive until proven otherwise. This means that we’re more willing to say “yes” to a solution that others might not consider – such as chasing our dreams, and encouraging you to do the same. We’re not the type to bother with excuses as to why we can’t go. As long as there isn’t something more pressing on the plate (such as a work commitment, or a tornado headed where you’re planning to go), your wandering girlfriend is going to say yes.

3. We take advantage of the time we have.

We don’t bother with silly things like wasted days, because we know life is precious and we want to squeeze out every last drop. If we’ve only got a few hours, our road trip might only go as far as the next town, but if we’ve got three weeks, we’ll want to see every last stop on the country-wide tour. Any time spent doing something fun and interesting is time well spent – and we appreciate it.

4. We know there may never be another chance.

A woman who loves to travel understands how important it is to take things when they’re offered to you. If there’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we’ll rearrange our schedules to make it happen. If there’s something that we can never do again, we’re going to make sure we prioritize the things we want to do most. We know what we want, and we make it happen.

5. We’re up for new challenges.

If a woman is willing to travel (especially if she loves traveling), chances are, she doesn’t mind a challenge. If she’s traveled with her previous partners, she already knows how difficult it can be, and she still wants to travel with you. That’s a pretty good sign, if you ask me.

[interaction id=”5736110813ce5dee22397ffc”]

I’ve never been a very emotional person, at least not on the surface. Growing up I was taught that “extreme emotions” – such as those that would make you yell or cry or smile with teeth – were to be avoided, when possible. (I had a crooked, awkward smile – to this day, I still feel pretty awkward about my smile.) While it could be argued that this type of a home life isn’t really good for a kid to grow up in, it did teach me a lot of useful skills. If someone knows how I feel, it’s because I want them to. And if I don’t want them to, they’ll never know.

All right, maybe when I put it that way, it does sound a little bad after all.

Truthfully, this control over my emotions has come in handy on multiple occasions, although it probably doesn’t help my anxiety or stress levels too much. It’s a very special feeling of control when you can keep your emotions in check until it’s a more appropriate time. Whether it’s good or bad, it definitely has a profound effect on the way the emotionally intelligent show their love.

1. Confidence is key.

If we don’t feel confident about something, we’ll never let it show. Our emotional visibility is directly related to how much we want our feelings to be known. There may be a bit of “fake it ‘til you make it” going on – but only because that’s proven to work.

2.    We love being affectionate – but only on our terms.

Emotionally intelligent women are very selective with their affection, so if they’re showing you extra attention, it’s because they genuinely want to. You’re definitely not getting anywhere until we’re sure you won’t break our hearts.

3.   We like to take extra time getting to know you.

We’ll ask you a million questions to make sure you’re worth our time. Sure, it might seem counter-intuitive to spend that much time right from the beginning, but we’ve got important assets at stake here – it’s worth the effort.

4.   We don’t bother playing games – and we will be pissed if you do.

All those silly little games in the dating world are not going to get any attention from us. We’re not going to chase you if you start playing hard-to-get. But you can rest assured that we’re being true to you – we don’t half-ass our relationships.

5.   We appreciate a challenge.

If you find fault in something we do, we want you to tell us – as soon as possible. We realize that you can’t grow as a person until you’ve identified your weaknesses, and if you point them out to us, we can identify them faster.

6.   We won’t hesitate to challenge you, either.

We will make you question your beliefs, probably as often as possible. It’s not meant to be mean, and it shouldn’t be taken the wrong way – we’re just trying to understand why you feel the way you do.

7.    We want to hear what you have to say.

We might talk a lot (sometimes), but we’d love it if you talked more, too. We’re interested in your opinions, your thoughts, your feelings… All of that. We want to soak it all in and understand you, inside and out.

8.   We’re usually a good judge of character…

We notice a lot of the little clues that most people don’t notice. We can tell, at a quick glance, if you’ve been biting the skin around your nails (which is an indicator of stress). We can tell if you’ve suddenly changed your behavior to match your mood, and we can usually predict a problem before it becomes a problem.

9.   …but it’s devastating when we get it wrong.

We’re not too great about being proved wrong under normal circumstances, but when we trust our intuition and it fails us, it’s a special brand of pain for us. If you let us down, after we drop our walls for you, we’re going to evaluate it for a long time afterwards.

10. Empathy comes naturally for us, and we forget that’s not the case for everyone.

We’re so used to seeing both sides of every story, it’s sometimes hard to remember that’s not a skill for everyone. Be patient with us, and remind us that you can’t read our minds.

11. We really do accept you – so don’t screw it up.

When you’re in love with an emotionally intelligent woman, chances are, she’ll know more about you than you think she does. We’re good at seeing past the flaws because we’re more focused on the bigger picture. Try to make sure it’s a pretty picture for us, and we’ll be yours forever.

[interaction id=”561262c874a791dd4b459468″]

It’s no secret that I’ve had some pretty shitty relationships in the past. In many ways, I’m really thankful to the exes who didn’t treat me right, because they helped to teach me what I deserve out of my relationships. There are other ways that I still can’t wrap my head around why they treated me the way they did. I learned a lot about myself through these bad relationships, though – and here are the things I would say if I had the chance now.

(As a side note, it’s probably not helpful to actually say any of these things to your ex – chances are, she doesn’t care, and you’ll only be prolonging the pain. I personally wrote mine into my journal, but it took a long time to get to the point where I realized these things.)

Thank you for treating me like you were the best I deserved.

For a long time, I even believed you. When you told me I was disgusting, I listened – and I adjusted my behavior, thinking it could change your thoughts of me. But, in hindsight, you were right – I couldn’t get someone better than you until I changed the way I thought about myself. Once I realized that the problem wasn’t what I did, but how I thought, it was much easier to attract someone who saw what I was truly capable of – because I was sure to make it known.

Thank you for making me doubt myself.

As much as it hurt to hear everything you thought I couldn’t do, it empowered me to prove you wrong – even if I didn’t start until after you were out of my life. Your doubt in me helped to shape the person I knew I had to become after we broke up. You doubted that I’d be able to live on my own, so I paid my share of the bills without your checks to fill in the gaps. You doubted I’d ever be happy in life, so I made sure to create a life I loved. I stopped doubting myself, because you had already used up all the doubt I felt I could afford in my life.

Thank you for making me think it was all my fault.

Your constant accusations against my person made it so much easier to identify the things I actually was doing wrong, and the things that were really just unfair expectations. You taught me how to find these things in my own actions before someone pointed them out, so I could make the change without being humiliated. You taught me that fault is rarely on a single person, and that incompatibilities usually come from misunderstandings.

Thank you for breaking my trust.

I used to have a very trusting heart, and it got me hurt more than it really helped me. Sure, I had some people who blew me away with their trustworthiness – but you were never one of those people. You broke my trust, and you made it easier for me to value the people who had never let me down. Most of all, you taught me that I don’t need to trust everyone in my life – and, in fact, trusting less can help keep me from getting hurt.

Thank you for teaching me how to keep secrets.

If it wasn’t for you, I never would have realized that I don’t need to tell everyone all the details of my life. Of course, now I work to tell people the things that most would keep as secrets – but I’m not doing it because I feel like I have to; I do it because I want to help others. If you hadn’t taught me how people react to hearing uncomfortable things from their loved ones, I never would have been inspired to be that listening stranger for others.

Thank you for still fucking with my head after you’re no longer in my life.

The way you tore my life (and my heart) apart taught me a lot about my own state of mental health. If I wasn’t thinking about every time you told me I needed to be medicated, I never would have had the gumption to manage my anxiety without pharmaceutical drugs. If I wasn’t thinking of the ways your words hurt me, I wouldn’t know to try not to say such hurtful things to others. If I wasn’t thinking about all the things you told me I’d never be able to do, I wouldn’t be living my life (and doing those things) now.

Thank you for making me question if I’m being led on.

Because of the ways your abuse turned from subtle to overt, I now know how to identify the things that are absolutely inappropriate from a partner. The way you messed with my mind helped me to realize what I shouldn’t put up with again – and it allows me to see things early enough that the problems might be fixable. I can identify when my partner is starting to fall behind on her end of our relationship, and I can say something gentler than if it was left to fester. I know what’s important to me because of all the things you didn’t give me.

Thank you for always playing the victim.

There isn’t a single human on earth who is without fault, but you tried to make me (and everyone else) think that you were that person. If you told a lie and it didn’t add up, it was never “I’m sorry – I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” it was “Why don’t you trust me?” Because of the way you made it sound like the world was out to get you, I am more careful to evaluate where I place the blame. By identifying nothing as your fault, you taught me to accept the things that really were my own fault.

Thank you for making me feel like I was shit.

I’m told I get my stubborn nature from being born as a Taurus. I’m not sure if I entirely believe that, but I do believe that I have an obligation to try to do the things that I’m told I can’t do. If you tell me I’ll never be anything, I’m going to try twice as hard just to prove you wrong. If you tell me I’m ugly, I’m going to do everything in my power to make myself look good – which, I’ve learned, comes down to confidence, more often than not. Your lack of confidence in me inspired me to develop some of my own.

Thank you for everything you took away from me.

There used to be a number of things that I thought I needed in my life – my animals, my cell phone, even my clothes. Almost without exception, you took these things away from me, either in a literal sense or in a more metaphorical way. You taught me that the only things I really need are my body, my thoughts, and the support of someone who cares about me – which, in many cases, can all be contained within myself. Because of everything you destroyed, I learned the things that were truly important.

Thank you for lying about things that didn’t even matter.

These little, nonsensical lies helped to form my understanding of how the psychology of lying works in the first place. By seeing how easy it was for you to lie about things that there was no reason to lie about, I started to pay closer attention to my own statements. If there was a chance they could be twisted and misinterpreted, or if there was any chance they weren’t actually true, I’d take a step back and make myself more clear. Now, I may be guilty of over-explaining, but that might be better than leaving out the important details.

Thank you for going through the motions instead of just leaving me.

Because you didn’t leave when things got hard, I got resilient. I learned that I could make things work, if I tried hard enough – and now that I’m with someone who matches my effort and appreciates the things I do, I know I am capable of so much more. Knowing how resilient I was when things were all wrong has taught me that I deserve to give myself the same resilience when things are all good, so that they can become great.

Thank you for showing me what I’ll never do again.

The most important thing I got from our shitty relationship was a renewed sense of self – I knew that the person I had become when I was with you was not the person I was destined to be.  I knew that the things I put up with were not my destiny, either, and I became strong enough to ban that behavior from my life. My current partner has finished what you started, by showing me how much better things can be – and, in fact, how much better they should be.

Thank you for finally letting me go.

Possibly the most important thing you ever did for me was when you let me go. We had been stuck in a painful dance for far too long, and the day you took things that one step too far, you begged me to change my mind – but I had had enough. I believe you even told me, “You’ll never find someone like me!”, and you weren’t exactly wrong. Once I had you out of my life, I made a promise to myself that I’d never be in that position again – and the seven-year battle with you was over, all at once. I had found my strength, and I had found my worth.

[interaction id=”560bf4d374a791dd4b246bda”]

You want your relationship to work out as well as it possibly can, so you do things to nurture it and help it grow. Maybe you’ve been reading a million blog posts about how to keep her interest, or how to bring the spark back into the bedroom, or even considered taking a break from each other (yikes!).

Let’s face it: Love is a lot of hard work, and it can seem to get harder and harder the more time goes by. When the relationship is still fresh, it’s easy to do positive things together, and it’s easy to forget those things once things start to go a little stale.

But what if I told you the relationship only goes stale after you start neglecting those happy habits?

We’re going to go through a little list of the habits you should try to get in for the happiest relationship you can get. If you’re already doing most of these things – great! That’ll make it easier to pick up the last few. For those of you who aren’t doing these 12 things, it’s definitely a good time to start.

1. Fall into a routine – together.

It might seem counter-intuitive to establish a routine to break free of the staleness, but this one actually works because it’ll be something you’re doing together. If possible, try to make the routine something you do for one another – such as giving each other massages – or something that you can both do for yourselves, such as going for a morning jog.

While it feels great to do your own thing (and maintaining your independence while you’re in a relationship is absolutely essential), doing something small together, once or twice a day, helps reinforce the bond you have, by directing your attention to “couple time” on a daily basis. Dates are great – but if you want to give every day that Date Night Magic, you need to give each other focused attention more than just one or two nights per week.

2.    Compliment one another – often.

When the relationship is still fresh, we often tell our partners exactly what we’re thinking of them at that exact moment – and usually, it’s a good thing. However, as our relationship inches closer to that Long-Term region, we forget to keep telling them the things we like about them.

It’s not even that our feelings about them have changed – in fact, that’s often why we stop telling them. We still feel the same way, so we don’t feel that we need to keep saying it. But, over time, our partner’s perception of how we feel about them is bound to change if we can’t reinforce the idea. This can be made worse with insecurities, but even the most secure and confident relationship could benefit from a quick “Good morning, gorgeous” (a personal favorite of mine).

3.   Focus on cuddling during cuddle time.

Not everyone enjoys cuddling, and I can understand that. For a long time, I thought I wasn’t a cuddler – I was really bad at it! I’d snuggle up to my partner for a few minutes as we were starting to doze off, and then every morning I’d wake up on my own side of the bed, far away from her, and often facing the other way.

Realistically, though, your cuddling time doesn’t actually have to be cuddling in bed – a hug in the morning is a great sign of affection, too, and a six-second hug releases oxytocin, the bonding chemical in the brain. This is the same bonding chemical that’s produced during sex, cuddling, and childbirth. While a longer cuddle session will probably release more oxytocin, a few six-second hugs over the course of a day will still help keep a regular supply of oxytocin flowing through your brain.

4.   Kiss each other goodbye, and goodnight.

When you kiss your partner goodbye before you leave the house, you’re reinforcing the idea that you’re still going to love her while you’re gone. While a healthy relationship doesn’t exactly need a daily reassurance that the love is unchanging, the more assured you are in your relationship, the happier you’re going to be.

When it comes to kissing goodnight, though, the reasons go even deeper than that. For the large majority of people, the last thing you think of before you go to bed is going to be the first thing you think of in the morning. Before I fall asleep, I make sure to write in my journal (so I can process the tough stuff overnight – it really works), repeat some positive affirmations to myself, and give my partner a kiss. In the morning, I’m less stressed, rejuvenated, and can’t help but smile at my partner (even though she gets to sleep in a bit later than I do).

5.   Talk about whatever’s bothering you.

I know it can seem like burdening your partner with the stresses of your mind is probably not a good idea. As someone who struggles with anxiety on a daily basis, my brain is constantly telling me that I should just keep it to myself. But talking things out with your partner offers a three-fold benefit over keeping it to yourself.

First, by simply vocalizing your problems, you’re removing the metaphorical walls between you and a possible solution. Second, it gives you a second set of opinions about the subject – and possibly a second set of solutions, or just reinforcement of your own solutions. Lastly, it helps to remove any awkwardness and tension that can occur if it’s your partner bothering you.

6.   Talk about the good things, too.

As important as it is to identify the problems in your life, and in your relationship, it’s also important to acknowledge the things you’re grateful for. If it’s your partner, then thank her for the things she does that make you happy. Encourage her to continue pursuing her passions. And, most of all, tell her how you feel about her!

It seems simple, but many of us think we’re talking to our partners enough, while our partner may be feeling underwhelmed. I used to say all the time, “Bragging isn’t as loud as bitching” because it’s true – the things we love often get swept under the rug to make room for the things we don’t care for. Make a point to have more nice things to say to your partner than you have negative things. If you find that you honestly can’t think of more positive things than negative things, there’s an obvious reason why you’re in a happiness slump, and you should seek professional advice if you want to stay in the relationship.

7.    Spoil each other with affection.

If there’s something small you could do that would make your partner’s day that much easier, wouldn’t you want to do it? Chances are, you’d say yes – but, in reality, it rarely happens. Compete with one another to see who can help the other more. Just be sure to keep it friendly competition – there shouldn’t be any hostility in this romantic game.

I know some women oppose the idea of being pampered, and if your girlfriend isn’t on board, don’t push the issue. But the simple things – like making her lunch for work the next day, or putting her laundry away for her – are happy reminders that you feel lucky to be in her life.

8. Dedicate some time to appreciating your partner daily.

I’m not saying you should set up a shrine in her honor (seriously, that would be pretty creepy), but sometimes you’ll need to consciously think about enjoying each other’s company. It’ll probably feel a little weird at first, but that’s just your brain reacting to something new. That uncomfortable, weird feeling is the formation of a habit of appreciation. (Hint: You want appreciation to be a habit.)

Whether you dedicate a specific block of time to telling each other your favorite things about one another, or you just make a point to write down three happy things your partner did for the collective “you” that day, the most important thing is that you think about these things. If she does them because you tell her to, that still counts, trust me. Try to notice more of the things she does without you asking, too.

9. Savor your reunions.

For many of us, there’s a habit involved with getting home from work. (That is, for those of us who work outside the home.) We come home, take off our shoes, and immediately start venting about everything that went wrong in our day. This creates unnecessary tension in the relationship, as the one listening to the venting can grow to feel like they’re less important than the things being vented about. (That’s the whole bitching-versus-bragging thing again.)

In most cases, these stress-induced cycles are temporary. While we’ve already advised you to share your stresses with your other half, it’s actually important when you do it – so make sure your reunions are sacred. Make a point to be happy to see each other, and to let your partner know she makes you happy.

10. Exercise together.

Exercise is another multi-faceted bonding activity that will help more than just your relationship – it’ll also help your emotional and physical wellbeing. Exercise has shown noticeable improvements for a number of mental illnesses, and it naturally creates some of the same brain chemicals that are produced when you’re in love.

If the two of you are already pretty fit, consider joining a dance class together, or trying out for your local minor league teams. If either (or both) of you is out of shape, it can be as simple as going for a ten minute walk every night (although to get the aerobic benefits of the walk, it’s best if you keep your heart rate elevated for at least thirty minutes).

11. Start with a good morning.

One of my favorite ways to wake up is by my partner bringing me a cup of coffee. Her favorite is when I make omelets. It doesn’t really matter what your “good morning” is, but it’s important that you find something that works well for you, and you stick with it until it becomes a part of who you are.

If the two of you have different sleeping schedules, this may take a little more coordination. I usually get up five to six hours before my partner, which gives me time to get the things I need to get done, done, so that I can still do all that “wifey stuff” I told myself (and her) I never did.

12. Text, sext, and emoji-chat each other.

I don’t care how cheesy it is – I am a millennial and texting was literally my life for a few years. (Okay, maybe not literally, but you know what I mean.) These days, I rarely ever text anyone anymore. In fact, I’ve fallen out of touch with so many people it’s actually on my to-do list for the month “Message your damn friends”. But through all this time, I never stopped texting my partner when we’re apart.

It’s important to realize that there are “good texts” and “bad texts”, though – you’re not going for the most messages, or the longest messages, or even the best-spelled ones (I mean, unless you’re texting me, because I will call you out on chat speak in a heartbeat). They shouldn’t be checking up on her, or really saying anything negative – save the rough stuff for when you can convey context and tone.

If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety, you probably know that it plays a role in pretty much every part of your life. There are situations that can trigger an episode hidden around every corner, and it takes time to learn how to get through it all without losing your cool. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) The people who don’t understand what it’s like are often quick to say, Just push yourself through it! As if it was something we could turn on and off at will.

Trust me, if anxiety was an option, literally no one would choose to be anxious.

It might seem like the one struggling with their anxiety is being unreasonable or overdramatic about things, but in our heads, the situation has already played out – and it’s not very good. We know it’s not always reasonable, but have you ever seen something that you just couldn’t unsee, a catastrophic image that you just couldn’t stop thinking about?

Even though you know the thing isn’t real, you very clearly saw it, and it gets stuck in your mind.

Anxiety’s kinda like that – every day.

Some days are better than others, of course – if they weren’t, there would be no point. On the good days, we can use our anxiety to our advantage. We can picture all the possible outcomes of a given scenario, and quickly determine which is the best option. We can predict the answer to a lot of things by a simple process of elimination. And some days, we’ll actually be able to talk ourselves out of our triggers.

But on the bad days, the anxiety becomes almost like its own separate person, and it sort of takes control of everything. When it comes to your love life, this can be especially frustrating. We usually know that our anxiety is the problem, but it’s hard to put it into words, or at least in a way that doesn’t make us feel like we’re being ridiculous. So, instead, we do our best to keep it inside. This leads to our partner seeing us as distant, when really we’re just trying to keep our heads from exploding.

I didn’t start to understand my anxiety until the last few years. Looking back, I can see many early indicators that it would be a problem in my future, but your mental health is often discovered in hindsight, and I’m no exception. Looking at things now in my later 20s, I’ve seen the many ways that my relationships have been strained due to anxiety.

Anxiety makes you feel like you’re somewhere else.

When we get stuck in our heads, it can be really difficult to remember our surroundings. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes our partner. It’s not that we don’t appreciate their touch – in fact, we often crave the physical contact that our partner can give us. But we don’t really think to ask for it, or to reach out for it, because our mind is on another planet.

Even when we do bring ourselves to reach out to our partner, it takes a lot more effort than it normally would. It’s almost as if we have to consciously tell ourselves to touch you. This automatically removes any sexiness that could be involved in the act of brushing your arm – it’s mechanical, not emotional. This disconnect helps it slip away without being done – the other things on our mind feel so much heavier.

Anxiety makes you feel guilty.

When it gets hard to reach out and touch our partners, rest assured – we’re probably aware of this. Anxiety makes it easier to connect with the negative emotions, and has us fully evaluating everything we’ve done wrong – which includes any length of time that we haven’t had sex. One of the worst things you can do in this case is to tell us that we’re being unfair to you – this will only make the guilt that much worse.

Of course, I’m not saying you should let your girlfriend’s anxiety run the whole relationship. You’re allowed to be disappointed, and you’re allowed to be sexually frustrated. But you need to be sure that you’re offering a suggestion, such as “You seem a little anxious – why don’t you take a little time for yourself?”, rather than a criticism, such as “We haven’t had sex in over a week – why don’t you take time for me?” While we’re still going to get the same information out of the sentence, the first is significantly less likely to worsen the anxiety.

If something feels like a job, we’re significantly less likely to enjoy it.

This is true some degree for everyone, but it’s especially true when it comes to anxiety and sex. If the idea of our sex life, by nature, causes us more anxiety, it’ll be more and more difficult to bring ourselves to want it. This is true for our entire relationship, and in many ways, even our career choices. Obviously, some days it’s going to feel like work – but there’s a huge difference between working for something and working for someone.

As much as your anxious partner loves you, she’s going to have a hard time if she feels like she has to drudge her way through everything. Your relationship needs to be equal – which it should be, even if your partner doesn’t have anxiety. We tend to stress ourselves out over things that don’t really matter to anyone else, and if we feel like our whole relationship is stress… We’re going to get frustrated and we’re going to freak out easier.

Anxiety creates an altered state of mind – and, by definition, you can’t provide consent if you’re in the middle of an anxiety episode.

This may be one of the most frustrating things for the partner of someone struggling with anxiety. If we’re in the middle of a break-down and our partner wants sex, no matter what we might think, we can’t actually give consent until the episode is over. The chemical reactions associated with anxiety cause tremendous changes in the brain, and – ironically enough – can make it where we don’t always think through the consequences of our choices.

Our anxiety may tell us that, if we don’t agree to have sex, it might destroy our relationship. We might feel that, if we just have sex, we’ll get off, and then we’ll feel better. While both of these things are potentially true, neither is necessarily true by default. It’s important that you make it clear that sex is not why you’re with us. It’s important that we feel comfortable with the idea of not having sex sometimes – because the guiltier we feel about not wanting it, the less frequently we’re going to want it – and, eventually, the more we’re going to struggle when we feel coerced into it.

We don’t need to be babied – we just need you to be there.

I see a lot of articles on the internet that suggest one of two solutions for anxiety. There’s a school of thought that thinks that those suffering from anxiety need to be coddled, and that they should be protected from the things that trigger us. There’s another school of thought that, since anxiety is literally all in our heads, it should be easy to just ignore it – if we don’t give it power, it won’t have any power, right? Realistically, though, the best solution falls somewhere in between.

If we’re kept safe from all stressors, the anxiety is just going to find something else to get anxious about. It’s not something that you can effectively erase, just by identifying the problem. There’s actually a lot of work involved with truly erasing a trigger, rather than just avoiding it. But the other side of the coin – pushing the problem aside and trying to “just move past it” – is also likely to worsen anxiety, as it makes us feel like we’re alone in the hunt for a solution. It makes sense that neither one of these options is exactly ideal.

So what should you do to help your anxious partner?

I’m not going to give you a single solution that magically erases all anxiety. It probably doesn’t even exist – at least, I haven’t found it yet. While the core description of anxiety is basically the same for everyone, no two people experience anxiety exactly the same way. For many of us, it’s even encoded into the anxiety that we shouldn’t let anyone help us – not that it’s something to be ashamed of, but our anxiety can shame us for seeking help. Our minds may repeat, “Your partner doesn’t want to hear about this – stop being overdramatic.”

This is especially true for those who grew up in an abusive household – there seems to be a strong connection to emotional repression as a child and anxiety disorders as an adult. We learned, growing up, that our emotions were something to be ashamed of, and this programmed us to hide all evidence of a problem. This can be unlearned, but it’s not going to be easy.

If you really want to help your anxious partner, it’s best if you ask her what you can do to help – and then take care that you’re not enabling her. There’s a difference between being there for her and “justifying” her anxieties. Chances are, she’s found some things that help alleviate the stressful feelings without giving extra power to her episodes, especially if she’s had a lot of time to come to terms with her disorder. For some people, human contact helps. For others, isolation helps. Personally, writing helps me – so I do a lot of journaling on my bad days. Over time, you’ll be able to pick up on the things that help, too, but it’s still best if you ask her – not every episode is exactly the same.

[interaction id=”56d059c0fe5d459225d49467″]