I’m one of those romantic types who really has to force myself to not “move on” too quickly. I don’t really give up on the relationship until it’s hopeless anyway, so I rationalize that I’m already over my partner by the time we break up. Inwardly, I know that’s not true, though. I know I need time to heal and grow before I can really be right in my next relationship.

But I date around a little anyway – not expecting too much, just sort of taking my time with things. And sometimes I get hurt.

See, I’m a nurturer by nature. I was raised to take care of someone – cooking for the family, watching my nieces and nephews, and even taking on babysitting and tutoring jobs before I hit middle school. So when I’m single, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I know it’s something I need to work on (you know, if the relationship I’m in now doesn’t last). I know it doesn’t make me a great partner to bounce around. Especially when I call myself independent!

The truth is, you need to have a balance. Single-dom is the combination of freedom and alone-ness. Not always the same as loneliness, but sometimes it can be. In my case, I love the freedom of being single – but I don’t like not having someone to take care of.

Being in a relationship is a combination, too. It’s comprised of so many separate factors, I’m not even going to list them all here. But you know the basics: trust, communication, attraction, etc. When you’re in a relationship, your brain pulls joy from so many of these things – it’s easy to get drawn back in!

But sometimes, there are negatives associated with being in a relationship. You don’t really have your freedom anymore (so some people cling hard to it when they enter a new romance). You don’t really have that trust yet, so you don’t communicate effectively. You might be attracted to your partner and respect her as a person, but it can’t really be “love”.

And sometimes that’s okay.

Trust me, I’m the last person to say you need to love everyone you’re with. Out of all my exes, I maybe loved ¼ of them. I never lied about it, but I might not have been so quick to say I didn’t have feelings for them. I don’t lie, but I do leave stuff out sometimes.

Believe it or not, looking for a relationship pretty much guarantees that you’re not ready for a relationship. The way you approach your next relationship tells a lot about how it’s going to go. Your behavior indicates your readiness – and this is coming from a huge romance expert, Dr. Seth Meyers.

1.    Don’t look for hook-ups if you want love.

In pretty much any relationship I’ve ever had that actually “went somewhere”, I wasn’t looking for someone. They just sort of found me and we went with it. If you like going out, go out! – but don’t make it a trip about finding a partner, or you won’t have the right luck.

There’s nothing wrong with going out. As long as you’re paying attention to your responsibilities first, you can party and still be a responsible person. But if you’re looking to form a meaningful relationship with this person, it’s best if you don’t get involved in that kind of a situation.

If you meet a girl at a bar or club and you think she’s (maybe) perfect, ask her on a date at a different setting. Don’t try to get to know each other when there’s liquor and hormones involved in the mix, because it’s not likely to grow up from that point. I’m not saying it never happens, but the odds are not in your favor.

Also make sure to leave a balance and meet people in other environments, too. If you like reading, introduce yourself to someone at the book store! If you like movies, swap numbers with a girl at the cinema. The options are truly limitless, and while it can be difficult to tell if a woman’s interested in other women if you’re not in the safety of a “gay place”, keep in mind that friendships are vital to your happiness, too. Even if she’s not the love of your life, she could be your best friend – and that love is strong, too!

2.    Do reflect on your past before seeking a future.

If you haven’t processed what happened in your last relationship, your mind isn’t going to let you process things from your new relationship – so you’re more likely to jump ship at the first sign of a problem. I think it’s important not to settle, but refusing to try isn’t healthy, either.

A lot of people don’t like to reflect on their past, because they see it as something negative. It’s easy to understand why, but it doesn’t have to be true. You can use the negative experiences from your past to shape a positive “answer”, and the positive experiences don’t have to mean that you want to get back with your ex.

I’m a big believer in the “no regrets” ideology. After all, there’s not really a point to wishing you could undo something, right? But what many people leave out of this is the fact that you can change your future. There is a good “regret” that helps you be a better person from here on out. While it won’t fix the things from the past, it can help keep you from making the same mistakes again.

This has to be a conscious thought process. It takes time to evaluate the entire relationship. Some even say three times the length of time you were in the relationship, but I don’t think you can really put an exact value on it. Everyone is different, every relationship is different, and every situation is different. (Unless, of course, your relationship was a whole bunch of the same thing – be honest with yourself!)

3.    Don’t get caught up in the drama.

Drama is all around us. Maybe since we’re lesbians, we see a bit more drama – or is that just a Hollywood thing? Either way, relationships go hand-in-hand with drama, but love doesn’t.

If you’re still involved with some drama from your past (or looking for drama in your ex’s present), you’re not ready to settle down and love. You can make whatever excuses you think you need to, but drama is drama, and it has no place in a loving, adult relationship. (I know a few people who are many years my senior who haven’t grasped this yet.)

More than just that, mature adults don’t want to participate in drama – and they don’t want to be involved with anyone who does. If your friends all gossip, you’re a gossiper by association. (Hey, second-hand maybe, but still.) It makes sense that a mature woman looking for love wouldn’t want to be associated with these people because her partner won’t trust that what she says stays in confidence. Right?

Sometimes the drama-tornado goes out of control and you get sucked up in something you never meant to be in. What matters then is how you handle it. Those who are consistently involved in drama are either creating it or inviting it – or, at the very least, allowing it. If you want to say goodbye to the drama, do it! Just make sure your actions match up with your claims.

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I’ll admit: I have limited experience when it comes to online dating stuff. I’m not good at dating in the first place, and while I have browsed before, I find myself generally limited by the process of using a dating site. I mean, you’ve got to decide what you want, put your best foot forward, and hope everything’s mutual. Enough of my life is like that outside of dating – it seems like extra steps to do it in my love life, too.

I think that relationships sort of happen. If it’s not meant to be, forcing it seems silly. And truthfully you don’t really know exactly what you want; you just make a guess and hope you won’t be disappointed.

But for those who are a little more dedicated in their pursuits, I can see the appeal of dating apps and dating sites. It saves us time because the app will tell us who we probably like – so instead of having to sift through hundreds of frogs, we can find our prince (or princess!) right away.

I’m not convinced.

Surely it must be more difficult than that.

And if my long-term partner and I took the compatibility tests on these apps, we’d be matched up together anyway.

Right?

I can’t say for sure if that’s the case, but I know there are definitely advantages and disadvantages surrounding dating in a plugged-in society.

Good: Over 40 million singles in the United States alone have tried online dating.

With a pool that big, even the not-specifically-lesbian dating apps offer a pretty good shot at finding someone. Hey, they might not be perfect – but if you’re looking for someone, chances are, they’re probably looking online.

Bad: It’s a business – not a charity.

The reason so many people flock to online dating sites now is because they’re well marketed. Remember back when you were first learning about the economy and someone told you “sex sells”? Yeah, it really does – the online dating industry is worth billions of US dollars every year.

Good: One in five relationships begin online.

So if you’ve had more than 4 “traditional” relationships and none of them were the one, maybe your soul mate is staring at their phone right now. Facebook, Instagram, and dedicated dating sites are all included in this statistic – but there’s a pretty decent success rate.

Bad: People can be dishonest online.

People can be dishonest face to face too, but the anonymity of the internet can make it even easier for someone to misrepresent themselves. Until you’ve met a person face to face, you can’t ever be entirely sure that you’re talking to the person you think you are – and even if you do meet face to face, there’s often no way to tell if they’ve been honest. (And the ways you can find out are pretty shady, too.)

Good: You can spell out exactly what you’re looking for, without being awkward.

If you tell someone on a first date that you’re looking for someone who loves kids, wants to settle down, and wants to start a family in the next five years – well, this can lead to an embarrassing silence, and potentially the other person thinking you’re crazy if they don’t meet the description. But on the internet, you put this stuff out in the open and if someone thinks it’s crazy – they don’t respond.

Bad: Some people are looking to start an argument.

Some people will view your profile and see things they don’t agree with, and they’ll want to start drama over it. On many dating sites, you can block them – but that doesn’t mean anything if you’ve already given them your contact information before you find out they’re a creep. Sometimes it’s an insecure guy who’s threatened at your gay-ness, sometimes it’s the boyfriend of a curious woman, and sometimes it’s really just drama. It’s hard to predict it and harder to stop it once it’s started.

Good: You can meet people who aren’t local.

The ability to talk to someone on the other side of the planet, who feels exactly the same way you do about love and relationships, is enthralling. Where traditional dating methods limit you to people who live somewhere near you (or are at least visiting near you), expanding your dating pool to the whole world makes it much more likely you’ll find “the one” – as long as you don’t mind the distance.

Bad: You can become addicted to “just talking”.

Sometimes, dating sites fill a social void that we can’t get in our local scene, so we dive into these outlets because they offer us a bigger safety net. We forget about short-range social interaction and we never actually meet the people we fall madly in love with – or make friends in our area.

Good: It’s efficient and adaptable.

If you’re available at 2 in the morning, online dating is available at 2 in the morning. If you’re only able to spend 30 seconds at a time online, online dating can work with that. If you’ve got 9 hours in a row with nothing to do but watch Netflix and swipe, you can!

Bad: It can turn into a job.

Your first message to someone often reads like a cover letter. “Hi, I’m so-and-so. I saw your profile and thought we’d make a great team. Would you be interested in getting to know me better?” This isn’t so bad, but over time, you can get stuck on the idea of introducing yourself to people, spending more and more of your free time just trying to find someone. It can get overwhelming.

Good: There’s less pressure.

Because you’re not exactly putting yourself out there, you have the safety of not giving out your contact information until you’re 100% sure. (This is a good idea, by the way.) If you’re not interested in someone, you can move on – or block them if you must – and that’s the end of it.

Bad: You’re self-limiting.

Many people think they know what they want from a partner, so they put limits in their dating profiles which actually keep them from meeting someone who’s perfect for them. We think that we care about location, or age, or height, or labels, or anything like that – but our heart doesn’t. And all these dating sites tell us that the more filters we select, the more perfect our person will be – but we may be perfecting them to the point they no longer exist.

I’m all for not settling, and not accepting someone who doesn’t complete you, and even making your preferences known from the start. But the problem with this is that people take their preferences – the things they’d sacrifice for their one true love – with their requirements; things like honesty, faithfulness, and creativity. They think that if they fill every question in, they’re going to find their True Love. They have to, after all – that’s the way those limits work!

Except that’s not how they work. You can’t paint a picture of a perfect person, then open your eyes and have them appear in front of you. These limits that you impose actually push your “perfect person” into a mold – one that they’re either going to reject, or pretend they fit.

Choosing someone who’s less than perfection isn’t settling – it’s reality. Most dating sites take the things you say you need out of a relationship and they don’t show you anyone who doesn’t fit exactly, based on what they said. If they haven’t said anything on the subject, it’s assumed to not be a fit. What if the person you need just hasn’t filled out the right parts of the questions to find you?

Final Verdict

Just like with anything else, there’s power in moderation. Dating sites can be a great place to meet someone, but they shouldn’t be the only place you look. You’ll be cutting yourself off from new friends, exciting lovers, and the chance to do your own thing. Isn’t that what matters most of all?

Are you thinking about proposing to your girlfriend this holiday season but aren’t sure exactly how to do it? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

Whether you’re looking to pop the question to her privately under the mistletoe or are contemplating doing it in front of family and friends when the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve…

Here are some ideas to help you come up with the perfect holiday proposal she’ll never forget…

Have Santa Bring in the Ring Box

You can either dress up as Santa yourself, or have a friend or family member do it. There’s probably even a service that you can use to hire a Santa actor if you’d like. Imagine the surprise on her face when everyone has opened all their presents and then Santa comes in with one last surprise!

The Timeless (and Cutely Frustrating) Box Inside of a Box Inside of a Box…etc: You’ve probably seen it happen in countless romantic films…the girl follows a trail of rose petals leading to a huge box. She opens it only to find another box…then another…and another until she gets to the engagement ring box. It’s a classic way to propose and perfect for the holiday gift-giving vibe. Plus the look on you girl’s face when she finally gets to the ring will be priceless!

Popcorn and a Movie

Is there a holiday film you both love watching together? Maybe you have a holiday tradition of watching a certain film or you’re going to sit down for an “A Christmas Story” marathon? Before settling in on the couch next to your love, hide the ring box in the bowl of popcorn. It will definitely be another priceless moment when she reaches in and discovers it!

Get Creative with Holiday Lights

Those holiday lights can be a real pain in the ass…from the tangles to a single bulb causing the rest to not light up…who wants to deal with that? Put those lights to good use by grabbing a board of some kind…or really any type of flat surface. Shape the lights to spell out “Will You Marry Me?” and plan a way for you to light them up as she enters the room. You can even put them in a flashing mode for a more dramatic effect.

Welcome in the New Year with an Engagement

This is another classic way to propose…but no less romantic. In fact, a proposal on New Year’s Eve when the clock strikes midnight is one of the more popular times for a couple to get engaged. You can plan an intimate party with just the two of you, or ring in the New Year with friends and family (make sure you let them in on your plans so they can help out with anything). She’ll definitely be surprised and most likely elated upon ringing in the new year with a ring and a future wife.

Hang the Engagement Ring From the Mistletoe

Not only does this idea give you the opportunity to kiss your future wife, but when you tell her to look up and she’s expecting only to see mistletoe and sees the ring…let’s just say that kiss is probably going to be all the more passionate.

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There are two general reactions when you notice you’ve got feelings for someone. Either it’s all rainbows and sunshine, or it pisses you off. Maybe there’s a big grey area in between, but we associate this as a primarily positive or negative scenario.

Some people may argue that love should always be positive – but that’s not always the reality. There are so many different factors involved that it’s hard to predict how things will turn out, and sometimes you’re going to get hurt. That’s just a fact of life.

You can tell you love someone when their happiness is your happiness. This is that overwhelmingly positive love, the kind that gives you butterflies and makes your hear t race.

You can also tell you love someone when you miss them, even if they’ve only been away for a short time. You feel pain in their absence. This is a negative love, a type of love that surfaces when you aren’t getting your way.

Within reason, both types of love are actually necessary in a relationship. After all, if you didn’t care whether they stayed or went, what point would there be in them sticking around? There wouldn’t!

But sometimes, the negative love is more prominent. This is the part that keeps coming back – the jealousy, the insecurity, and that empty feeling when you miss them. When these are the things you think of – instead of the way your partner makes you laugh, or smile, or think about the world around you – it can be hard to find your happiness.

Love isn’t just right now, though. It’s not only important how your partner makes you feel now, but how he or she has made you feel in the past – love has history and memories and it’s constantly growing or dying. Our love holds onto the positives and the negatives, and this becomes a challenge when the balance shifts.

Sometimes, things get a little rocky, but the memories from the past keep us “afloat”, so to speak. We think back to the better times, and we are willing to forgive. We love our partner, after all. We’re hurt – but we won’t give up.

Holding on can be worth it. There have certainly been situations where someone was slipping away, but they needed just a gentle reminder to come back to their partner. I’m sure it happens a lot; I know it’s happened to me.

But other times, holding on doesn’t do anything. You’re gripping tighter to something that hasn’t been there for quite a while, and you’re losing the fight. We argue with ourselves, saying that if they make us feel so deeply, they must be worth fighting for – right?

The longer you hold on, the harder it is to let go.

We know this, but we still can’t help but keep trying for just a little while longer. This is the last time, we tell ourselves. This is the very last second chance. But the problem is, it’s not. Nothing changes, and we keep trying. Or things change, but only slightly, and then they go back to the way it was before.

This isn’t fair to you, being stuck in this sea of negative emotions – and it’s not fair to your partner, being trapped in a relationship that’s not right for her.

You’re going to grow to resent each other more and more until you can’t stand it anymore.

Finally, there will be one last straw – maybe you know what it is, and maybe you haven’t thought of it yet – and finally your resolve will be strengthened. You’ll walk away and never look back, and you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

But you don’t really move on right away. You’re broken from the things you dealt with, and you feel embarrassed that you didn’t let go way before that point. “But that’s what it took,” you’ll tell yourself. “If it hadn’t happened exactly like that, we’d still be together.”

Can you see how much power you’ve given up?

By holding onto someone who’s already slipped away, you’re not allowing yourself permission to stand up for yourself. You don’t need to be a bully, but you should be able to speak your side of things, too – otherwise it’s just a dictatorship, run by her.

Maybe she even tells you not to leave. (I’ve been in that situation, too.) You think you owe her your loyalty, so you don’t go anywhere. But if you’re not happy, you don’t owe her anything!

Relationships are about compromise, so if your relationship seems to be all about your pain – you need to let it go. Neither one of you should me miserable most of the time, and certainly not all of the time. Your partner should bring you joy, as should you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve the best.

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There are so many things that we do in our friendships (and our relationships) that are morally ambiguous. There are these giant grey areas hanging around every corner – when do you do what’s right for you and when do you do what’s right for someone else?

Well, society has implemented a type of “girl code” to handle these situations – but that’s a grey area, too. Girl Code is constantly changing, and it’s different in different circles. Once you get to lesbians, it’s even worse – does it extend to our ex-girlfriends, too, or just to our besties?

Thankfully, I’ve never been stuck in this type of situation (yet), but I know many people who have. They want their BFF to be happy, but their BFF wants to date their ex-girlfriend – the one that meant so much to them and just turned out to be a dirty sleaze.

OK, I’m generalizing, but sometimes right after a break-up we do that. We’re not ready to admit to our own shortcomings, so we pass them off as if they’re someone else’s fault. We think of them as this horrible person, and we see ourselves as “saving” our best friend when we don’t give our blessing for the relationship. “She’s a bad person,” we may say.

But the truth is, an inability to let go of someone from your past really means that you’re not letting yourself find your future.

Think about it.

You’re with this amazing woman who does everything for you, gives you little gifts, takes you out to dinner all the time (or maybe she even cooks for you – even better). Things are going great, and then one day they aren’t anymore.

But, during this relationship, you introduced her to all your friends. You talked her up, presented her as God’s Gift to Lesbians, and you even encouraged her to spend time with your best friend.

Then, after the break-up, you find out she’d actually be much better for your best friend. They’ve got similar interests, and your BFF strongly approves. It should come as very little shock when your bestie wants to snatch up this GGL and start their future together.

We think of this as one of the unforgiveable sins in friendship – but that doesn’t make a lot of sense, usually.

Wrong for you could be right for someone else.

We pardon ourselves for these thoughts of jealousy because we’re trying to “protect” our friend. After all, this woman did you so wrong, surely she’ll do your best friend wrong, too – right?

Well, not necessarily.

Sometimes, just because someone is wrong for you, doesn’t mean that they’d be wrong for someone else. Not everyone is compatible and that’s OK. But if you forbid your friend from pursuing something that could spell out her happiness, you are being selfish.

I know this might be hard for you to hear, but it’s true.

Not everyone is meant to be together, and just because this woman wasn’t the right woman for you doesn’t mean that she couldn’t be good for your friend. If you truly are “done” with her, it shouldn’t matter whether your friend pursues her or not.

It might be awkward at first, especially if you’ve had sex, or seen each other naked. But if your friendship with this friend is strong enough to overcome the awkwardness, her happiness could be in your hands. Consider giving yourself distance to keep the jealousy at bay, but give your friend your blessing – isn’t she worth it?

The best friend will feel guilty.

If you’ve ever fallen for your best friend’s ex, you’re going to feel really guilty about it – even if she has specifically given you her blessing. This is because our brain tells us that we’re basically “cheating” on our friend – even if the relationship already reached an end on its own.

It’s a horrible feeling, I’m told – and it’s not the type of guilt you can get over quickly. No, this type of guilt has the potential to last the entire relationship, if you form one. If you don’t form the relationship, you’ll have feelings of “what if” that could last a lifetime. So what do you do?

Obviously, if you really care about this friendship, you’ll want to talk to your friend about it. She might be hurt and upset about the confession, but it’s going to come out sometime – would you rather she found out from you, or from someone else?

She might not be as open-minded about it as I am, but if she cares about you, too, she’ll want to see you happy. You should be willing to understand that she might not be OK with it initially – give her time, and take the relationship slowly. Your friendship isn’t worth sacrificing, but neither is a relationship that could spell love.

The ex might not feel so guilty.

We like to think of it as a huge indiscretion when our exes hook up with someone else in our lives. We may tell ourselves that they’re doing it just to stay close to us – or that they’re doing it to hurt us. I don’t think this is true in most cases.

Most of the time, we can’t really help who we fall for. Sure, we can coax the scales to tip one way or the other, but that usually only shows a 50% success rate at best. If your ex falls in love with your best friend – as long as they don’t act on it during your relationship – there’s probably no ill intent.

It’s not their fault.

No matter which party you are in this situation, you’re not really at fault – and no one should make you feel as if it was. Each person will be racked with their own guilt to deal with (or lack of guilt, in some places) but everyone has to realize that it’s not their fault.

The timing was just wrong.

If one or two things had been different, the whole situation would have changed – and this should free you of any guilt or anguish over the matter. You’ll still have to decide what means more to you in the situation – your disdain for your ex, your love for your best friend, or any number of factors involved. But it’s not your fault you’re in this mess.

Do you find yourself wondering if your current girlfriend might be the one? It can be hard to tell sometimes. We want to make sure we choose the best partner to devote our life to, but it’s hard to tell what the future can bring.

If only there were some sort of master list of all the right questions to answer.

Well, we have compiled such a master list and offer it to you now. This list consists of the most serious questions to think about in your relationships. Not all of these questions require identical answers – for example, someone who wants to be a lawyer doesn’t have to limit themselves just to lawyers. But your answers should be compatible, or you must be able to compromise. These questions will determine your future relationship happiness.

1.    What are your views on marriage?

Someone who’s been planning her dream wedding her whole life probably won’t be happy with someone who enjoys the bachelor lifestyle – but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a fling. There is no right or wrong answer, there are just differences of opinion.

More than just a difference in the desire to get married, even amongst those who do want to tie the knot, there are some differences to consider. There are some people who view marriage as “just a formality” who would be just as content in a long-term committed relationship, and some who like the idea of marriage but don’t see it as permanent. Again, this is a matter of personal opinion, and you’ll have to decide whether your views are compatible.

2.    What are your views on children?

This is a big topic among many couples. Some people like kids, some people don’t like kids, and some people don’t mind one way or the other. Some people want biological children, and some would be okay with adopted children. There are even some who would prefer adopted children! And then there’s the topic of conceiving the child. Do you conceive “naturally” or with a donor, or does it matter?

Once we start thinking of the individual topics within the subject of children, it becomes obvious how important it is to think about. Someone who has kids from a previous relationship would need a partner who likes kids (or at least accepts them) and doesn’t demand to be related to the kids. Sometimes we take for granted the dedication it takes to help take care of someone else’s child – it’s a beautiful thing that not everyone can handle.

3.    What are your values?

This is often thought of in a religious context, but I don’t think this is the only important application. It’s important that you and your partner share similar visions. They don’t have to be exact, but they should complement each other.

For example, if one of you highly values traditional gender roles and a “family-oriented” environment, it’s best if the two can agree on this. If one partner thinks they should share all financial and decision-making processes equally, this will have to be considered, too. Look for any type of discrepancies between your views – you’ll need to decide which ones you can’t handle.

4.    What are your religious beliefs?

Hey, I didn’t say religion wasn’t important – just that it’s not the most important. Religion plays a huge part of many people’s lives, and a lack of religious beliefs is a rather big opinion as well. Some religious views are definitely compatible with one another, but someone deeply religious will most likely not be their happiest with an atheist.

As mentioned above, there are definitely some religions whose core values are the same, and these are often compatible. Additionally, someone questioning their own religious faith can probably be a good partner to any religious belief as long as they’re open-minded and respectful.

5.    What are your deal breakers?

It can be hard to pin down exactly what would make us change our mind about someone, and there are no guarantees in love. But if you find out that she can’t stand someone who chews with their mouth open, and you happen to forget to close it sometimes – she’ll probably figure that out right away.

Sometimes our “deal breakers” don’t factor in as much as we think they will, and other times there are things we thought we could handle that we just can’t. Most of the time, though, you’ll have some idea about the things that would cause a big problem. Talking these out can help save you from wasting your time.

6.    What are your long-term goals?

I understand that not everyone thinks that far ahead of time. I’m an obsessive planner, though. I often think about my one-year, three-year, and five-year plans, and although the answers change sometimes, I love thinking about the future. For me, it would be important that I find a partner who also has long-term goals. There’s nothing wrong with flying by the seat of your pants, but it’s not compatible with my lifestyle.

Once we start thinking about these goals, there are other comparisons to make, too. For example, if one of you has a goal to be in the military and the other has a goal to end global wars – well, you probably won’t see eye-to-eye on that one. If one person wants a mansion and a farm, they probably shouldn’t be with a partner who doesn’t like to stay in the same place. It’s all about finding someone who fits into your life.

7.    What should I know about your family?

I don’t think it’s necessary that your partner meet your family in order to be an important part of your life. Maybe some people who are really close to their family will feel otherwise, but think about it this way: Would you have to meet your partner’s family if she were an orphan? Not everyone is in the same situation, and there are many legitimate reasons why someone might not introduce their partner to their family.

What’s important is that you know a bit about each other’s family. You should know the reason why you’re not meeting them, if that’s the case, or what to expect when you do meet them. You shouldn’t tell them every detail of their life story, but they should be briefed on the basics just in case anything comes up.

8.    Where do you want to live?

This question seems pretty shallow at first glance, but the more you think about it, the more you’ll understand that it makes a huge difference in whether or not the relationship is compatible. You don’t necessarily have to agree on the exact city, but if one of you prefers the countryside and one will only be happy in a penthouse, there’s going to be some clashing.

The fact that this question seems shallow can actually work in your favor when you’re “interviewing” a potential commitment. Because it’s not anything super personal, you can ask early on in the relationship and take longer to decide if any differences matter.

9.    What is your biggest fear?

I don’t know about you, but I hate discussing my fears. I like to present this image that I’m sort of a badass, and then once I finally start to open up to someone they find out I’m just a big softie. If you’re like that, too, discussing your biggest fear can be difficult. But when you evaluate your fears in comparison with your partner’s fears (and strengths), it can help you to find out if your partner can be “your hero”.

As for me, my biggest fear is earthquakes – so there’s not a lot that can be done to protect me from that one. But I have a lot of other relationship-based fears, too, and I need to know that a partner isn’t afraid of my particular weaknesses.

10. What is your passion, your motivation?

Deep down inside of us all (some a little closer to the surface) there is something that makes us tick – something absolutely necessary for us to be content. This type of thing might be one of our goals, or it could be the love of your family, or it could even be sex. It’s not important that you and your partner are motivated by the exact same thing, but – you guessed it – they should be compatible.

How do you know if your passions are compatible? The easiest way to tell is if you can find a way to satisfy each other’s – even if it’s just through moral support. Truly, most passions are compatible, but everyone will have to make the decision for themselves.

11. Who is your hero?

This is another one of those questions that looks shallow at first glance, but it can tell you a lot about her personality. Sometimes, these things are simple guesses – but generally speaking, you can assume that her hero is someone with values she admires. So if you’re inspired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and she’s inspired by Kim Kardashian – these are not compatible heroes.

You don’t have to admire the same people, and it’s probably better if you don’t (because then you can inspire each other!). But your heroes should have similar overall visions, as it might help you to know if you and your partner do, too.

12. What’s on your bucket list?

Not everyone takes the time to think about what they want to do before they die, but generally it’s best if you have an idea. Maybe you don’t have a list written down yet – but you know the types of things you want to accomplish, and your partner should, too.

If you haven’t taken the time to think about it yet, comparing answers can help you think of some ideas, and you can hear the reasons behind her ideas. It’s more important that your motivations be similar – that is, if one of you wants to be a millionaire and the other wants to travel the world, it’s very likely that these goals can coexist.

13. What would you do if you won the lottery?

For some people, this is pretty much the same as their bucket list. But the truth is, there are spenders and there are savers, and then there are those in the middle of the road. I happen to fall somewhere in the middle, and I need a partner that falls somewhere in between too.

Whether you want to admit its importance or not, money is a vital part of modern society. If you’re the type of person to scrimp and save, and your partner splurges with every paycheck, there are going to be some problems down the road once you’re sharing financial decisions. It’s not mandatory that you see eye to eye, but if you don’t, it might be best to keep your finances separate to avoid any trouble.

14. What are you thankful for?

Nobody wants to date someone who doesn’t appreciate things – so you should have an idea of what your partner sees as the most valuable “gifts” she’s been given, whether they’re physical, spiritual, or emotional. This is another question where the specifics aren’t as important as the existence of an answer in the first place.

It might send a twinge of jealousy through if your partner mentions something from an ex, but realistically it shouldn’t. Think about it: She’s telling you that she is thankful for the people who have helped her, even if they are no longer beneficial to her life. While I understand the jealousy if there are numerous things from one specific partner, you should feel reassured if she cites an ex as a reason for her gratitude.

In conclusion…

This is in no way a complete list of questions to ask your partner, but it is a great selection of conversation starters if you’re starting to feel the draw of a serious committed relationship. Communication and compromise are paramount in a healthy relationship and each of these questions can have a million different possible answers.

We hope that you have been inspired to talk to your lady about these topics. Even if you’ve got a happy, successful long-term commitment, isn’t it nice to catch up on everything sometimes? There’s no such thing as knowing your partner “too well”. Enjoy learning about each other and growing closer every day.

There’s this stigma associated with the idea of not wanting to get married. I used to get some backlash from other members of the gay community because – at the time – I didn’t particularly care about the idea of “gay marriage”. Sure, equality is important (and now that I’m a little older I’m glad we have marriage equality where I live), but marriage has never really been a priority for me.

Sure, I plan my wedding on Pinterest like every other girl – but I wasn’t really in a rush to make those dreams come true.

Even now, as I sit with a ring on my finger, officially planning my wedding “for real”, I find that I’d be OK if it were put off for a couple years. What’s so wrong with that?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in commitment, and loyalty, and true love – all the things that marriages are supposed to be made out of. But maybe it’s my family history of divorce and disaster that whispers in my ear, “That’s not the only way.”

My parents weren’t really “together” when I was born – they had already split up, but decided to give it another shot when my mom found out she was pregnant. Marriage was never in the picture for them. She had already done the marriage thing, with my brother’s dad, and it didn’t work out, so she didn’t really care.

(She’s married now, for the past 20 years or so, but that’s a different story.)

My dad ended up marrying someone when I was 3 – and then by the time I was 16, he was dancing down the road to divorce. It’s just a part of life. Marriage doesn’t really mean anything more for commitment than living together does, in the grand scheme of things – it’s just more governmentally-approved. It’s a piece of paper that says you love this person. And I never really saw the point, especially knowing that love isn’t actually a prerequisite of marriage, nor is marriage a guarantee that the love will last.

That being said, marriage itself isn’t a bad idea, and I fully support anyone who decides they’re ready to take the plunge. I even have my passing fancies of the married life – but when I think about “wifey duties”, I have to fight the urge to gag a little bit.

I was raised to be independent, and the idea that I would need someone so much that I’d have a paper detailing what happens if either of us strays… Well, that doesn’t really sound like romance to me.

It almost feels like a hostage situation.

(Let me reiterate: I am engaged to my partner, and we’ve been planning our wedding for a little over a year now. I’m just not jumping into the idea of pushing forward with it right now.)

Here are some of the reasons why marriage isn’t a “have to” in my book – some of the reasons I’d be content to not get married if it wasn’t for my partner wanting it so much.

Marriage, by definition, implies less freedom and more compromise.

Of course, this isn’t always a bad thing. It’s a wonderful thought if you’re willing to give up your freedoms to someone – if you care about their happiness enough that you might be willing to sacrifice your own.

But marriage forces the issue. Marriage makes it seem like you have to do these things – where I think it’s far more romantic if you choose them on an individual basis. I don’t mind sharing my bed, my DVR, my anything with someone I love – but I like to have the option.

I don’t want to tell myself that I have to put someone else’s needs first, and that’s what marriage does.

Some may argue that not every married person gives up something they fancy – but the idea is that they should. And for those of us who take our commitments very seriously (hello, me) the sense of obligation can be overwhelming.

It’s not that I don’t want to get married – it’s that I don’t think I’m ready to give up on myself until I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I’d keep making the same compromises for the rest of my life without feeling like I was sacrificing something.

And I’m not quite there yet.

Marriage implies long-term commitment.

I don’t mind the idea of commitment. It can be comforting to know that someone has pledged to keep loving you, no matter what.

Except that marriage doesn’t really mean that – it’s just what we associate with it.

If marriage automatically meant a life-long commitment, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But the truth is, you can pledge yourself fully to someone (as my stepmom did) and it might still not be enough (like my dad). I’m not going to dive into the specifics of why their marriage fell apart, but it’s enough to prove to me that the marriage license itself doesn’t really mean anything.

You have to be willing to commit yourself to the same person, every day, for the rest of your life.

Sure, you could have an open marriage, or a long-distance marriage, or any number of “alternative” marriage styles that does away with the sense of being tied to someone. But that’s not for me. When I commit to someone, I commit fully – and I couldn’t handle the idea of the other person not sharing my loyalty.

It seems to me that a divorce would be at least 100 times more difficult than a “regular” break-up, because there’s this idea that it’s going to last forever. We see it as a guarantee, and it’s really not.

Marriage tells you that you can’t change your mind.

Obviously, this isn’t widely true. The divorce rate is so astonishingly high that some of us might question why someone would bother getting married in the first place. It’s expensive – like when you sign up for a two-year gym membership.

You feel like you have to honor it because, otherwise, it was a waste of money.

I don’t like feeling like I have to do anything.

If I felt like I had to stay with my partner, I would soon become absolutely smothered – you always want something more if you can’t have it.

I think this is why there are so many unfaithful married couples. Once you feel tied down to someone, you want to break free, and that’s not fair to either of you. I’m afraid of the idea of doing that to myself, or doing that to my partner.

Sure, I’ll probably come around eventually – but I don’t see the rush. After all, if I am going to spend my life with her, what’s the difference whether we get married now or in five, ten, or even twenty years?

Because I have dreams I haven’t fulfilled yet.

There are some who might say that your partner won’t automatically distract you from your dreams, and I guess that’s true. But the idea of being married implies that you would have to sacrifice your dreams if your partner asked, and I’m not OK with that!

My partner, for example, had dreams of joining the military. It’s a noble dream, I suppose, but I know I wouldn’t be able to handle being a military spouse. I can barely handle the idea of a long-distance relationship without the threat of my partner not surviving the distance. Is it fair that I ask her to choose between me and this dream? Probably not – but I can’t help it.

Likewise, I have dreams of travelling the country in an RV. (I would love to live in an RV, with a little tow-along garden trailer, and just see things from a different perspective every day.) I don’t like the idea of being tied down to a place for any length of time, and I tend to get bored with my surroundings. Is it fair if I ask my partner to not have a physical address, because I don’t want one? Probably not – so I’ve given up on this dream of mine.

Some will say that the right partner for you has your own dreams in mind as well as their own, but that’s not always the case. Our dreams are complicated things, after all, and it can be hard to find someone who is completely compatible with everything you want.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll be – but you shouldn’t have to force it with a piece of paper.

Let me travel the world, and we can meet up later to see if we’re still on the same page. I don’t want to force a partner into anything, and I sure don’t want to be forced, either.

Because there’s no rush.

Like I said before, if I’m really going to be with someone for the rest of my life, there shouldn’t be a time limit on when I can decide that. My partner should be content with the idea that I want to spend now with her without me having to force myself to say I’ll spend every tomorrow with her, too.

Do break-ups hurt? Definitely. But in a way, that’s all the more reason to not get married right now. As bad as the idea of a break-up would be, the idea of a break-up after we’ve combined all our assets, splurged on this perfect wedding, said our vows in front of hundreds of people… Well, I’m getting an anxiety attack just thinking about it.

Does this mean I won’t get married someday? I probably will.

Does this mean I should take my engagement ring off? No, I don’t think so.

Does this mean there’s something wrong with me? Yeah – that something is the fact that I’m still in my 20s and it doesn’t make sense to me that I’d be planning out the next 60+ years of my life when I can’t even predict what I’ll have for dinner tonight.

(But, I’m thinking stir fry.)

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying: “The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” That sounds like a great mantra. It’s got everything a good slogan should have – symmetry, sex, and empowerment – right?

Wrong.

Dating is hard enough when you’re not hung up on someone. Why would you force yourself to go through with it if you’re really not ready?

You can’t fully give your heart to someone if somebody else still has it.

I don’t believe the notion that you can only love one person at a time, but I do definitely feel that you are limited with what you can do if your heart belongs to another. This doesn’t necessarily have to be an ex we’re talking about, but if you’re already committed to one person, you can’t fully commit to someone else.

If you’re dating someone with the prospect of it being a serious relationship, this isn’t fair to the other person.

No matter how much you care for them or how hard they try, they won’t be “your love”. You can love them, but it’ll only be a fraction of the love you could give them if you take the time to get over your ex first.

You will be confused.

I know many of us don’t like to admit when we’re confused, especially if it’s over matters of the heart. We like to think we’re these strong, independent creatures – and we are! As long as we allow ourselves to be. But if you’re still hung up on your ex, you’re not going to be 100% certain on anyone else. Is that really fair?

Love is never easy, and it’s possible that you’re going to be confused no matter how you proceed. It should be obvious, then, that you should do your best to eliminate any unnecessary confusion. After all, everybody likes things that are simpler, right? Your new lady is likely to feel the same way – so let things be simple for her.

Don’t try to commit yourself to someone if you’re still not over your last commitment, or your ex will have the power to destroy the new relationship without much work. (Possibly even unintentionally!)

You may blame her for your ex’s mistakes.

Dating a new girl when you’re not over your past is damaging because we tend to project the mistakes our ex made onto this new person. Since our ex is still on our mind, we assume that every little similarity is really a big similarity, and we may obsess over it.

Possibly worse is the fact that we might not see this as not being over our ex. More likely, we’ll think that we are so done with our ex that we can’t handle someone who reminds us of them at all. Looking at it from the outside, it’s obvious that this logic doesn’t hold up, but hey – love doesn’t always listen to the obvious signs.

Chances are, the way you felt about your ex wasn’t out of nowhere. There are reasons you liked her, and avoiding someone who reminds you of the good things is probably not going to get you very far. You need to be far enough past the hurt that you can identify the difference between her positive aspects and her negative ones – and realize that you can’t assume any of these things with someone you hardly know.

You may project your ex’s “perfections”, too.

Just as easy as it is to project your ex’s shortcomings, it’s possible that you’ll see good qualities that aren’t there, too. You need to remember that no two people are exactly alike, and if you assume that your new partner shares positive qualities with your ex, you may end up disappointed – possibly through no fault of the new partner.

Sure, we hope that the good things in our relationships will be good things in future relationships, too. But it’s not fair to someone to have to live up to expectations that have nothing to do with them. So your ex bought you dinner every Friday night – that’s great! But your new partner shouldn’t have to live up to the picture you have in your mind, especially if you’ve “painted out” the bad parts already.

Your new partner should be showing you affection, but it doesn’t have to be the same way your ex did. She should be free to express her feelings in her own way. You’re allowed to decide if it’s enough or not, but you are not allowed to decide if it’s the wrong way. Everyone is different.

You’re just not ready yet.

There’s this big fascination with the “rebound affair”, and if you decide it’s what you want to pursue, that’s fine (as long as the other person is aware of the situation). But if you still feel for someone else, you are not ready to be a serious partner to someone new. Sorry, not sorry.

This isn’t to say that a rebound affair can’t possibly turn into something more, but if you’re not ready for it to develop, you shouldn’t push it past that point. Keep it casual until you know for sure that your ex is no longer a part of your life (or a keeper of your emotions). If this new relationship is really meant to be, it can wait for you to be ready. Trust me, your heart will thank you for waiting!

The quest to find a new partner can be really difficult, especially if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while. Sometimes it’s a lack of patience that’s driving us crazy – sometimes it’s an over-abundance of crazy that’s causing us to lose our patience. Either way, there are days when the hunt for someone spectacular seems like a dead end.

What are you supposed to do when it seems insurmountable? Maybe it’s best if you do nothing. After all, it’s hard to find love when you’re looking for love, and it’s hard to be happy when you feel like you’re wasting your time.

Especially if, inwardly, you know you probably are.

So what mantras should you carry with you when you feel like the search is especially tough?

True love is worth the wait.

I think this was something that an old abstinence group taught me, back when I was in high school – and I’m hesitant to include it here for that reason. But the truth is, it is worth the wait to find someone who’s just right for you.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t date your fair share of “the wrong people”, too. Life is all about experiences. But if you’re too focused on the idea of falling in love, you’re not going to be a good girlfriend to the partner you aren’t in love with.

True love is built by hand.

The notion of “love at first sight” is great, but it’s pretty much not a real thing outside of movies and television. You cannot love someone you just met. You can be infatuated with them, definitely, and that infatuation may eventually grow into love – but there’s no way to force something into being instantaneous.

“Love” is developed over time, pretty much on its own. This is different than being in love – which involves a personal choice and a great deal of hard work. Just loving someone happens when you take the time to get to know them, intimately, and you truly care about them and what happens to them.

Being in love is a chore.

It’s a wonderful, beautiful chore – but it is a lot of work. Being in love with someone requires dedication, honesty, loyalty, respect, communication, passion… Well, you get the idea. It requires a choice, even if this choice is not conscious (the romantic among us will find themselves doing these things for every partner, and may “fall in love” more than most).

The love of your life isn’t going to find you – you have to find an imperfect person, and be willing to make the commitment to turn it into more than that. Love has to blossom in its own time. More than that, it has to be nurtured once it does grow – you can’t just leave it alone and expect it to stay the same.

Love doesn’t matter if the timing is off.

If it’s not the right time, it’s not the right time. Forcing the timing is rarely a good idea, as it can just create different problems. I believe that everyone comes into your life just when they’re supposed to, and they leave your life just when they’re supposed to, as well.

Maybe you have met the love of your life, but you didn’t get a chance to say something because you were with someone else at the time. Does this mean that you missed your chance at love forever? Well, no. Humans are not, by nature, lifelong partners. We love the idea of a lifelong partnership because it makes us closer to the person we’re with, but if we were meant to mate for life, everyone would marry their first crush and divorce wouldn’t be a real thing, right?

I believe that there are multiple “right persons” for you, and that they will come into your life when they’re meant to. It’s highly unlikely that you will miss your chance with every one of them, so just be patient, enjoy your life, and be happy. You owe it to yourself!

When we’re in the middle of a painful breakup, it can be tough to find that light in the clouds, that silver lining that keeps us feeling positive when everything tells us we should be thinking the worst. Particularly if your partner made you feel like the breakup was all your fault (hint: it’s rarely completely one person’s fault) we might doubt ourselves in general and feel like we’re just not worthy of happiness.

Thankfully, that’s not actually true. Even if your relationship was riddled with mistakes you made, there is always a chance to learn, grow, and make yourself better. Think of each relationship as a cocoon that can help you transform into the beautiful butterfly you’re meant to be. Sometimes, it’ll take a little bit of work – but if you’re willing to put forth the effort, you can be a better girlfriend to your next partner, as well as a better friend to yourself.

1.    Redefine your relationship expectations.

If your partner was the one who “did the most wrong” in the relationship, it can be helpful to think of the things she did that you don’t want to put up with in the future. Maybe she was unfaithful, and you’ve decided you can’t handle someone with so many hot friends. (That’s not really the greatest answer here, as it’s more about self-control than the attractiveness of the people you hang out with, but still – I’m sure you get my point). Make a note to yourself of the things you just aren’t willing to accept anymore, and then stick to it.

On the other hand, if you find that you were the one who “did the most wrong”, it might be important to redefine your goals a different way. Maybe your new goals deal with things you should try harder to do in the future. Maybe your partner was upset that you never helped with the dishes, so you try to focus on sharing the housework more equally in your future relationships. Of course, this won’t usually apply until after you live together, but it’s important to think about these things before the relationship gets there.

2.    Switch up your wardrobe.

I don’t think that people should change their personal style – your clothing choices should make you comfortable, both physically and internally. You shouldn’t be wearing things that make you feel awkward, or self-conscious, or restricted. Dressing provocatively simply to attract a partner doesn’t really have the highest success rate, and it’ll just make you feel… Well, a bit promiscuous.

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with dressing provocatively, or that your clothing is any indicator of your sexual availability – but that doesn’t change the way these clothing items will make you feel if they’re not things you would ordinarily wear.

Instead, focus on ridding yourself of clothing that you have negative associations with. After my last break-up, I had a bunch of clothes that I had “inherited” from my ex when I lost weight and became smaller than her. These clothes looked great on me, but they brought to mind images of her, and I didn’t feel comfortable in them anymore – so I gave them away!

As an added bonus, giving your clothes to someone who is less fortunate is a good deed, which will make you feel better about yourself – and it gives you an excuse to go shopping, which many women enjoy. If you’re the type who doesn’t enjoy shopping for clothes (I absolutely hate clothes-shopping for myself, but love clothes-shopping for other people) consider the idea of a clothing swap with friends or acquaintances. There are social groups that do this, and if there isn’t one in your area – make your own!

Of course you’ll need people who are the same size as you to make this work, but it can be a fun experience. It’ll bring you back to the days you had sleepovers as kids – playing dress-up, but with the added bonus of actually being able to keep the clothes when you’re done. Score!

3.    Start an exercise routine.

Most people don’t get their recommended amount of exercise, even if we’d like to consider ourselves “active” people. Exercise sucks. But it does help your mental health, and while it won’t eliminate all the symptoms of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, it can help to alleviate the negative moods associated with these conditions – as well as boosting your overall mood even if you don’t suffer from any of these illnesses.

The problem with exercising as a mood enhancer is that many people don’t enjoy it, so they do it for a shorter time or less frequently than they should – which reduces the number of endorphins it can create. After all, if you don’t like it, it’s going to seem like a chore, and you’re not going to want to continue.

It’s important that you find an exercise you like (such as dancing, running, weight lifting) – because not everyone has the same interests. Truly, not everyone enjoys any physical activity, but there is bound to be something that you can at least tolerate enough to make it a regular part of your life.

For many people, the easiest exercise to participate in regularly is a brisk daily walk. It might not change your life (at least not right away), but with diligence you can make it a habit – and just a 30-minute walk, at least five days a week, is scientifically proven to elevate your average mood. You’ll still have highs and lows, but your highs will be brighter.

4.    Get a hobby.

If you had hobbies before your relationship, it may be a good time to re-immerse yourself in these hobbies. If you can’t remember the things you used to do, maybe it’s time to find some new ones! Participating in hobbies can improve your mood because you’re actively doing something that makes you happy. It seems pretty obvious, and in fact, it is.

If you give yourself time to do something you love, you will automatically feel better about yourself, your surroundings, and your life as a whole.

You shouldn’t dedicate all of your time to your hobbies, as this can be unproductive, and many people feel depressed when they’re not being productive with their lives. But if all you ever do is work and do “important” stuff, you’ll feel bogged down after a while. It’s important to take breaks, and to allow yourself happiness. Don’t you think you deserve it?

5.    Set some goals – and have a plan.

Maybe you already had goals before you were in your relationship, and they got pushed aside when you started trying to make your partner happy. Maybe you didn’t forget them completely, but just sort of stuck them to the back burner. Having goals is all well and good, but if you’re not actually working towards them, all they’ll ever be is a dream.

I’m not saying you need to work on your goals all day, every day – but you should have a plan of action. For example, in my own life, I have a goal to publish ten e-books by my next birthday. It gets hard sometimes, as everyday life gets in the way, but I make a point to work towards it at least one day a week, and to date I’ve had a hand in five books. Five down, five more to go – but it definitely takes some work.

Your own goals will be different from mine, from your partner’s, from your parents’… And it’s just as important that your goals be personal to you as it is to have them in the first place. Sure, when you’re in a relationship, you’re probably going to have some goals with one another – but you should still be taking the time to work on your own. When you go through a break-up, all you have is your own goals – so this is a great time to cultivate them!

6.    Work on your habits.

If you’re a smoker, dating another smoker can make it pretty much impossible to quit. (Those who are able to quit smoking while dating a smoker are a force to be reckoned with!) There are a multitude of habits that we form every day, some good and some bad. It’s best if we focus on growing the good ones and killing the bad ones.

An important note is that you can’t effectively change your habits if you try to take on too much at once, although it is possible to learn to switch a bad habit with a good one – as long as it’s something reasonable. For example, if you’re used to getting drunk on the weekends, and this is something you want to change – consider putting your “turn up” money into a savings account instead. Not only will this help you to quit drinking (or at least reserve it for special occasions), but you’ll also have some fallback money in case something comes up.

7.    Let go.

Try not to focus on the negativity. If either of you did something “truly unforgiveable”, this should be reflected in your goals for the future – but for the most part, you’ll need to just accept that the relationship wasn’t right, no matter how much you wanted it to be.

No stalking, no drunk texting, no booty calls.

Your ex is under no obligation to still be there for you after the relationship, and to expect her to fix the problems once it’s no longer going to effect the relationship is futile. Not only does she not have to, but she shouldn’t, either.

Sometimes we stay in touch with an ex after a break-up because we feel that she is the only one who knows us that deeply. Usually, that’s not true – we have friends, after all, and if you don’t have friends, it’s a good time to make some.

If you continue to hold your ex responsible for your happiness, she will continue to hold the control over you. More often than not, this control is not used in a positive way. After all, things didn’t work out, so why should she care about your happiness?

(Well, we should all care about one another, regardless of whether there’s an emotional aspect or not – but many people don’t actually work this way.)

If you let go of your ex completely, at least long enough for you to heal, you are putting the power back in your own hands. You alone are responsible for your happiness – so act like it!

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When we start a new relationship, we often have the best of intentions. We may expect that our partner feels the same way we do, so we want to show them how we feel (just to make sure they know). But over time, we start to notice that they’re just not doing anything to prove it to us, either.

Of course, we know that no one should have to “prove” their love to us – so we overlook these signs at first. Eventually they start getting to us more, but then we read some relationship advice article that says something along the lines of “everyone shows their affections differently”, so we look past it for just a little while longer.

We think that, since they always say “I love you too” when we say it first, they must mean it… Right?

But sometimes, only one partner actually loves the other. The partner who doesn’t usually say it first might have been deeply infatuated at the start, but as the feelings started to fade, so did their ways of showing it.

Very few relationships start out like this, but sadly most end this way – because one partner doesn’t really care (regardless of whether or not they did at the start), they stop trying.

It’s heartbreaking to the one who keeps holding on. And there’s a good reason for this! Your mind tells you that you should let go, but we’re too stubborn to do that sometimes. We want this to work out, and we feel like we’ve failed if it doesn’t.

But the truth is, letting go before it gets too far will save you a lot of heartbreak down the road – because these feelings are likely to just keep getting worse, and at some point your partner may decide that she doesn’t care to try at all anymore.

So, what are the signs you should look out for?

You’re the only one doing the talking.

Sure, she answers you (most of the time). But if you don’t start the conversation, you could go days between them – which takes its toll after a while. You make the efforts, and she sort of just sits back and lets you do your thing.

Maybe your partner is just not a good communicator – but she should at least be making an effort. After all, nobody wants to be the only one doing the work, and it’s not fair for her to put you in that position.

You’re the only one sacrificing.

Many of us use favors to show our love for a partner, and we assume that our partners don’t automatically do the same. But the truth is, when you love someone, those little “favors” you do shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice, because you should be able to know that she’d do the same for you.

Of course, relationships shouldn’t be all about what your partner can do for you – but if you find yourself repeatedly doing things that you know she’d never reciprocate, maybe you’re doing favors for the wrong person. If it starts to feel like a chore to do the things that she won’t, it may be a sign that she’s not in it for the big picture.

You’re the only one stuck with alone time.

If your partner wants to spend time with friends, she does – and you don’t really get an invite. If your partner wants to spend time by herself, you probably won’t get an invite to that, either. Time spent apart is important in any healthy relationship, but if it seems like your partner would rather spend more time apart than together, this might be a red flag.

It’s important to have time with your friends, especially since many lesbians have a tendency to ignore their friends when they’re in a serious relationship. But you should know that you are allowed to be with her friends, too – just like she should be willing to spend time with your friends when the situation comes up.

You’re the only one apologizing.

Guilt trips are a huge red flag, in any relationship – whether it’s a friendship, a family tie, or a romantic relationship. If your partner is a master at manipulating your emotions and leads you to think you’re in the wrong when you’ve done nothing wrong, she might be deflecting her own guilt onto you.

This is particularly true if your partner makes you feel guilty for needing emotional support. One of the greatest benefits of a romantic relationship is that your partner should be there to pick you up when you’re down – and if she’s not, it may be time to let go.

You’re the only one justifying the relationship.

Sometimes our family and friends may see signs that we can’t. True love isn’t blind (as much as the saying would have you believe), but our love can cause us to be blinded to a partner’s faults. If you find yourself rationalizing things that your partner has done (or hasn’t done!) to the other people who care about you, consider heeding their warnings and advice.

There is bound to be negativity in every relationship, despite our best efforts, but if you can’t think of enough positives that legitimately outweigh the negatives, and your loved ones are telling you to jump ship – maybe they’re right.

You’re the only one paying attention.

It can be difficult to see what we’re doing wrong, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when a relationship needs more work. So it’s best if we discuss these things with our partner – after all, nobody is a mind-reader, and you shouldn’t expect her to be.

But if she belittles your concerns or makes it seem like you have no option but to fix things on your own – maybe it’s because she doesn’t care enough to try. Maybe you’re the only one who notices these problems, but when you bring them to light, she should make an effort to make things right.

You’re the only one who’s stressing.

If you’re constantly worried that the relationship is going to end, it can be a sign that it should. This is a hard reality to grasp, because we often think that it’s our fault when/if this happens – but it shouldn’t be that way. Insecurities are rarely good for relationships (in fact, I can’t really think of a single good example here) and if your partner is consistently making you feel insecure (especially if it seems that she’s doing it on purpose!) you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship.

There’s always going to be some stress in a relationship, and you should think about ways you can improve it. But if it seems like you’re the only one who worries and tries to come up with solutions, it’s possible that your partner is intentionally pushing you away. Take the hint and move on.

You’re the only one who cares.

If someone cares about you, they’re going to show it. They won’t make excuses for their actions, they won’t try to rationalize them, they’ll just fess up when they’ve done wrong and ask how they can make it right. Or they may even take the initiative to make it better without asking for your input. But they should at least be trying.

If you find yourself questioning whether or not they care, they probably don’t. Even the worst communicators will find some way to express their feelings for you, and if you can’t find the signs she does, it’s probably because she doesn’t.

So what do you do next?

If you’ve seen at least a few of these signs in your relationship, it’s important that you find a way out of the relationship. It will be hard, no doubt, but it’s important for your own mental health that you find a way to end it.

Try to create a list of everything that was wrong in the relationship, so that you have something to think about if your partner tries to come back into your life. Sometimes we may think that, since they made the effort to come back, that things will be different this time – but that’s not always the case.

Yes, people can change, and assuming that your partner hasn’t learned their lesson can be a mistake. But it’s also important to realize that people aren’t going to change overnight, and assuming that she has can be just as dangerous.

You can give a person a million chances to change, and they won’t take it – and for some of us it can be difficult to know when to set your limits. After all, those who love with all of their heart and give their all are the most likely to be taken advantage of, and chances are you’re going to have more than a few partners in your life who take your love for granted. (I know I have.)

You need to learn how to stand up for yourself, which is likely something you weren’t taught as a child. Many people who give all of themselves in a relationship may have grown up in a less-than-supportive household, and may have been taught the whole “seen-and-not-heard” thing. While it was once thought that this was the way you should raise children, it’s becoming apparent that this is psychologically damaging to the child’s overall self-esteem, and it’s something that must be un-learned.

It’s a long process, and something I hope to address here in the future – but for now, just practice eliminating the unappreciative people from your life. These don’t have to be romantic relationships gone sour – I have practiced “breaking up with” family members and friends who weren’t a good fit for my life, either.

You owe it to yourself to not waste your efforts on people who won’t do the same. You are special and you deserve better. Never forget that!

Most people will eventually reach the point in their life where they are tired of being “single” (even if they’re in a relationship; a non-committed relationship can still make you feel as if you’re single sometimes). It can be hard to tell if you and your girlfriend are on the same page. Luckily, there are a few ways you can tell.

While none of these automatically mean anything by themselves, the more you can see in your relationships, the more likely it is that your girlfriend really is ready to be with you, and just you, for the foreseeable future.

1. You catch her looking at engagement rings online.

I am so bad about this. Even though I’ve got a gorgeous rock on my finger already, I still enjoy looking at other rings online. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s looking to buy (or receive) one, but it can be a hint that it’s on her mind. Talk to her about it and see where she stands!

It’s possible that she just likes jewelry. I know with previous partners, I have bought “engagement-style rings” as a token of my affection, but made the stipulation that they weren’t actually meant as anything other than jewelry. Since engagement rings are, essentially, a tool of capitalism, the ring itself doesn’t mean anything unless you give it that meaning.

2. She spends more time at your place than at her own.

When my partner and I started seeing each other, I’d spend the weeks at my place (with her occasionally surprising me after I got home from work, and then walking to work with me in the morning before returning to her own house). However, after a while, I started spending more time at her place and less time at my place. Eventually, I moved the last bit of stuff out of my place and either into hers or into a storage unit.

It’s important to know that this isn’t the only reason why this can happen. In my situation, it was an equal mix of not getting along with my roommates, as well as a statement of my commitment to her. But even if you’ve got the worst roommates on the planet, you’re probably not going to spend all your time with a girl you’re not serious about – so keep that in mind!

3. She’s got a Pinterest board full of wedding plans.

This is another one that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Particularly the most romantic among us love the idea of planning a wedding that may or may not happen. I’ve got a Pinterest board that was started long before my current relationship, but in time I invited my partner to view parts of it and “sign off” on the ideas for our own wedding.

Pinterest appeals to planners and organizers, and as such it’s not the be-all and end-all of wedding planning. But if she seems to be particularly gushy about it, or she asks your opinions about the things she pins – well, maybe it’s time you start planning, too!

4. She picked out a pet for the two of you.

If you and your partner have a pet together, you might want to consider it a commitment of its own. There’s nothing about a pet that inherently says the two of you will be together forever, but there is some aspect of commitment involved – especially if she refers to it as your “fur baby”.

Of course, there are some who oppose the idea of calling your pets your “fur babies”, and I used to be one of them. But with one as cute as this one (yes, this is actually my fur baby) – how can you not?

5. She invites you to all her family gatherings.

As gay women, it’s sometimes difficult for us to include our partners in our family events. Whether it’s because we’re not out, or we face discrimination about the specifics of our romantic relationships, your girlfriend bringing you along to family functions might signify that she’s willing to risk it just to make sure you know her family.

The first time I brought my girlfriend around my extended family, it was a huge deal to me. It was my little way of saying “Get used to her – she’s not going anywhere.” Not everyone is as selective about it, but it’s always a good sign if you’re included.

6. She tells you she wants to settle down with you.

Hey, for some of us, settling down is hard. It’s not that we don’t want to, it’s just that we’re not really set up like that. If your partner goes out of her way to tell you that she wants you in her life for the foreseeable future, I’d listen – this is rarely a lie.

It’s not impossible that it’s not true, but most people won’t bother with saying something this serious if they don’t mean it. If it’s accompanied by the other signs on this list, it’s a safe bet that she means it!

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I love the idea of being single – to a certain degree. I mean, I’m a romantic and all, but there’s something quite nice about not having to answer to anyone. Of course, after a few bad relationships tried to change who I am, I don’t really let my partner make my decisions for me anymore – but that doesn’t always go over too well.

Still, being single sucks in its own way, too. Even if you pride yourself on your independence (which I totally do) there’s something that makes the difference between “independent” and “alone” – and after a while, the differences become painfully obvious.

1.    You don’t even remember how to flirt.

Independence gives us the freedom to flirt with whomever we want. But eventually, we start to lose our touch, because we don’t let our flirting go any further than that. Eventually you lose your touch altogether, and it seems like you try so hard to flirt with someone and you just can’t.

2.    PDA makes you grumpy.

Seeing other people so happily in love and not afraid to show it gives you a certain sense of hostility. You know it’s not their fault you’re single, but still… You see a couple making out in public and it makes you want to slap one of them. (Hint: Don’t do that. It is, in fact, assault.)

3.    You’d rather microwave a TV dinner than cook.

Guys, cooking sucks. I know some people like it, but I don’t. If I am just cooking for myself, I see no reason to get pans and spatulas and all that dirty – just toss something in the microwave, or go out to eat. I feel like I’m probably the only person ever who actually loses weight when I’m in a relationship. (Please tell me I’m not alone!)

4.    You talk to your animals more than you talk to other people.

OK, so I talk to my pets a lot – even my snake who doesn’t have any ears – but I’d die if I only had my pets to talk to. At least I get to share my funny “guess what me and the puppy did today” stories with my girlfriend. Imagine if I had to share my “guess what me and ____ did today” stories with my dog. I’d go insane.

5.    Your sex life consists of… Porn.

Like, a lot of porn. And after a while, the porn actually starts to seem realistic – like it wasn’t made with straight men in mind. Or even worse – porn doesn’t seem like porn, but just a low-budget movie that you watch and wonder, “What the hell is that?”

6.    Even Facebook seems to be mocking your “independence”.

Ever had Facebook ads for dating sites, porn, or ice cream? Chances are, this is their subtle way of telling you you’ve been single for a bit too long.

7.    Your dating apps are your favorite social interaction.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with dating apps. Nothing at all (as long as you’re being safe and you still have a life outside of that). But if you tell your friends you can’t go out because you’ve got a “date” with your match list, well… There could be a problem.

8.    Your family has stopped asking if you’re seeing anyone.

Because we all know that our family expects us to settle down and start a family. If they stop asking, it’s because they assume they already know the answer – and that answer is always going to be a “no”.

9.    You’re reading lists online to see if you’ve been single too long.

Yep… If you think you might have been single for too long, you probably have. Just reading this list (with the intent of arguing its points) pretty much guarantees that you have, in fact, been single for far too long.

I’ll admit: I am terrible about keeping in touch with people.

Even people I like.

My best friend hears from me more often than most (besides my mother and my girlfriend… And there are some days when I talk to him more, to be honest). Even then, I couldn’t imagine the idea of talking to him every single day.

But when an ex asks to stay friends after a break-up… My answer is usually no.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably not.

Do I hold grudges for past indiscretions? Definitely.

Am I allowed to hold grudges against the people who have hurt me? Of course – you can hold grudges against people for whatever reason you feel necessary. Especially if you’re the type of person who gives “too many second chances” (I’m bad about that, too).

I had one ex (who is now dating my brother) who took it upon herself to make out with my partner literally days after I committed myself fully to her. And then she had the audacity to say “I consider Barbara a good friend, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her.”

LOL, yeah right. This is coming from someone who had to have labor induced because she was past her due date, 7 months after we broke up. But sure… We’re “good friends”.

Apparently I’m a jerk for this – just like I’m a jerk for not wanting to stay friends with the girl who came after her – who also hooked up with my brother (but I didn’t find that one out for sure until after we broke up, either).

Am I even obligated to stay friends with my brother at this point? I think not.

But what do you do if your ex wants to stay friends with you – and you’re not really ok with the idea?

Set boundaries.

I’m down for trying to stay friends after a break-up, if there wasn’t anything huge that got in the way of the relationship. My first real girlfriend, for example, recently got back in touch with me, after almost ten years. I’m not sure how she found me (my Facebook isn’t under my “real” name) but she did – and she was expecting to pick up right where we left off before we began dating.

She seemed a bit hurt when I told her it didn’t exactly work like that.

Instead of just letting this person into your life, I find it’s best if you set boundaries. Do I answer her when she messages me? Well, usually – but I tell my girlfriend about it right away, just so there are no surprises. I don’t feel that there’s anything to worry about, but it’s better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, I always say.

Similarly, I don’t expect my girlfriend to completely ignore her exes, either – but I do expect there to be some boundaries. For example, if this ex happens to flirt with her – that’s something I deserve to know about, and I would do the same if one of my exes flirted. It’s only fair.

Would I consider staying friends with the ex who tried to kill me? Well, as it just so happens, I did give it a shot – but as soon as she started making it sound like I owed her, all bets were off.

The first time she blew up at me and tried to start a fight over something that happened in the past, it was over, and we haven’t spoken since.

If you’ve got an ex who wants to be friends, it’s important that you set stricter rules than you had when you were together. After all, you’re not committed to her anymore, so there’s no reason you should put up with her acting up. I’m sure there are some who would say you shouldn’t let her “act up” when you’re with her, either, but I tend to forgive a little too easily. Your situation will probably vary.

Protect yourself.

If your ex was physically abusive (like mine was), it’s pretty important that you don’t give her the opportunities to do that again. After all, anger towards a person can last long after it “should” end – and sometimes these things have a way of resurfacing. If your ex was physically abusive, but you want to remain friends, it’s probably best if you make it a long-distance friendship. Text, but don’t spend the time together. Don’t give it the opportunity to go wrong.

In my situation, my ex was also emotionally abusive – which put me in a strange position when it came to being friends with her after our break-up. When this happens, are you supposed to ignore the abuse you were put through during the relationship? Do you trust her as a friend when she spent a good portion of your relationship telling you that you were disgusting and not worth anything? Well, that’s not exactly something friends say – and arguably I shouldn’t have put up with a girlfriend saying it either, but that ship had long sailed.

In any friendship, you need to look out for people who are bringing positivity into your life – and we might overlook that with someone we share history with. After all, if she used to make you cum harder than anyone else ever had, your genitals might make you overlook some of the “minor” things. But it’s important to remember that she’s not going to do that as your friend – so it’s not enough anymore.

You’re free to choose your own friends, of course, but I urge you to not overlook things that you wouldn’t accept from your other friends. If you do genuinely work better as friends, then staying friends after your break-up shouldn’t be an issue. (This is the case with my first girlfriend, and the reason I still talk to her occasionally.) But you need to be sure that she’s not wanting to stay friends just to keep a leg in the doorway (figuratively speaking, of course).

Don’t be afraid to say no.

Your ex might try to make you feel guilty for holding a grudge – but it’s your right. As humans, we can’t always control the things that stick with us, especially if they’re negative. If your gut is telling you to say no, say no! She can’t force you to keep her in your life, any more than you could force her to stay good to you when you were dating.

(Am I the only one who notices it’s the partner in the wrong who usually wants to stay friends?)

If you’re not comfortable with the idea of staying friends with someone who did you wrong, you’re under no obligation. This doesn’t only apply to friends you used to date, of course – cutting your friends off is a practice in self-respect, when done with justification.

But something many people overlook is that you don’t have to justify your decisions to the other person. You only have to answer to yourself.

Maybe this sounds selfish, and that’s fine. There are situations when selfishness is actually a good thing. After all, no one is going to take care of you. This is a generalization; a good partner and a good friend will care about you, and you should care about them (and for them).

You just have to make the distinction of who is worth it – you can’t let people who take advantage of you stay in your life.

Second chances are fine and dandy, but it’s a personal decision. She doesn’t get to decide she gets a second chance – you do. Be true to yourself and don’t put up with things you can’t handle.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the type of person who is extra sensitive to little “cues” that may or may not have any basis in reality. Sometimes, my worst fears come to life right before my very eyes – but other times, I can eventually calm myself down and realize that not everything is as bad as it seems.

While the general consensus is that being “over sensitive” is a bad thing, in many ways it can be a very good thing to be perceptive to subtle cues and minor changes in a person’s attitude. Overall, it depends on the things you’re sensitive about, but there are many occasions where the sensitive ones have an advantage over those who aren’t so sensitive.

Curious why this is? Whether you’re the sensitive one or the one who doesn’t understand your sensitive partner (or friend), read on to find out why it can be a blessing to see the worst case scenario in every situation.

1.    We’re prepared for the worst.

I have a motto (among many others) which basically states, “Prepare for the worst but hope for the best”. This seems sort of pessimistic, and in many ways, it is. But when you prepare for the worst, you can’t ever be disappointed – either you’re pleasantly surprised, or you’re right. When you keep your expectations low, you’re protecting yourself from the possibility of things going sour, because you’re anticipating the sourness while things are still sweet.

2.    We notice the little things.

When you’re extra sensitive, you notice the minor, almost imperceptible changes in the attitude of the person you’re dating. This can be dangerous sometimes, but it can also be helpful. Our intuition is often much stronger than those who aren’t so sensitive, and it’s harder to catch us off guard.

3.    We learn to protect ourselves.

It seems counter-intuitive that the sensitive ones are less likely to need someone else. But the truth is, when you learn that you’re more sensitive than most, you also learn that no one is going to save you but yourself. You become comfortable with the idea of being your own hero, because you expect others to betray you.

4.    We love harder.

If we feel that we are having to constantly prove ourselves, we do. For our partners, this means that we are more likely to do things that make them happy, because we know how it feels to not feel loved. We do our best to ensure that our partner never feels that way because we know how bad it hurts.

5.    It’s a type of sixth sense.

Although it’s not a “sixth sense” in the usual definition of the phrase, it is a sense of emotional intelligence, something that’s severely lacking from many people. Whereas some people might not care so much about how their actions affect others, we do.

6.    We don’t expect our partner to make us happy.

Ok, so this goes back to the pessimism thing. But in reality, you shouldn’t depend on someone else to make you happy – because no one can actually make you happy except yourself. When you don’t expect someone else to bring you joy, you’re more inclined to seek out your own joy.

7.    We know pain, but rarely show it.

When you get used to the idea of being hurt, you’re less likely to show others how hurt you really are. Some consider this “wall” an immature coping mechanism, but for women who are overly sensitive, we know that it’s a way to protect ourselves. If we don’t show others how their words and actions hurt us, it takes away their power to do so.

8.    When we open up, we are trusting our partner completely.

We don’t tell our partner things just to hear ourselves talk. We are sensitive to their opinions, and this puts us in a position of not telling them things that we think they will judge us for. As long as this is done from a place of self-protection and not a place of dishonesty, this is good, as it safeguards us against other people spreading our business.

But it’s hard sometimes.

If you love someone who can be considered “overly sensitive”, it’s important that you do what you can to help her through the difficult parts of life. If we get too used to the idea of protecting ourselves, it can be hard for us to let someone else in, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need some help every now and then.

It’s also important that you don’t make a big deal out of your partner’s hypersensitivity. After all, this comes from a place of deep emotions, and that is generally a good thing in a relationship – if you shame your partner for showing emotion, you are telling her that you are not OK with that emotion, and she may see it as a reinforcement of the idea that she isn’t worthy of happiness. (Hint: Everyone is worthy of happiness as long as it doesn’t involve hurting someone else.)

For those of you who are struggling with over-sensitivity yourself, it’s important to keep in mind that not everyone will understand the way you feel about things. Sometimes there are going to be people who will judge you for the amount of emotion you show – but those people are usually not worth your time.

I understand it can be hard to let go of someone who’s “wrong” for you, but if your partner is not accepting your emotions, it’s important that you stand up for yourself instead of backing down. This is something that often must be learned first-hand and just reading the words isn’t likely to make the change. It’s going to be a lot of work – but as someone who’s “overly sensitive”, you know that the hardest things are often the most worthwhile. Use that to your advantage!

Love is a complicated thing. Just when you start to think you’ve got it figured out, something will come along and throw a wrench in the gears. This can be a good thing sometimes, but it would be naïve to think that it’s never a negative experience.

We are often taught that “love is blind”. This simply isn’t true. Love is all-seeing and accepts the flaws anyway. Only infatuation is blind. But there comes a point where “accepting flaws” borders on “compromising your beliefs”, and when that happens, it’s important to evaluate whether you really love the person you’re with or if you’re just settling for what you think you deserve.

Now, I’m not saying that love doesn’t require compromise sometimes. Love is all about compromise – but you shouldn’t have to compromise the things that are most important to you. If you have to think about whether you’re willing to deal with something, you’ve pretty much already answered your own question.

Love means not having to say you’re sorry. Settling means you’re always sorry.

When you truly love someone, the compromises you make will come easily. You won’t have to think about it much because you value your partner’s happiness just as much as you value your own.

Settling, on the other hand, demands that you put your partner’s happiness above your own – and that’s not a fun position to be in.

Love involves give and take from both parties. Settling involves one partner giving and the other taking.

It’s rare that a relationship will be completely one-sided. Most likely, it’s going to be subtler than that – but the end result is still the same. One partner will feel empty, while the other partner will still want more.

This can put both partners in an incredibly tough position, as both will potentially feel that they are being victimized, but for different reasons. The partner who does more taking will feel entitled to more from their partner than the partner can give them, and the partner who does more giving will (understandably) feel that they do not have enough to give.

Love asks that you compromise your wants. Settling asks that you compromise your needs.

Many people have a hard time making the distinction between needs and wants, and this is where things can get a bit difficult. Sometimes it requires that the partners take a full “inventory” of the things they’re asking, and determine how important it is to them.

There is, of course, the argument that – if you’re willing to give it up – you don’t really “need” it. But some people will go through great lengths to make sure that their partner is happy, and this can have hazardous effects on their self-esteem, their self-worth, and even their self-respect.

Love goes both ways. Settling is one sided.

Listen, ladies – if you’re not both giving in, it’s not a compromise. It’s not a negotiation. It’s a hostage situation.

I’m sure that sounds harsh, but it’s true! If either person’s requests are considered more important than the other person’s, there is no love. Love has to go both ways, or one person will just be a slave to their own emotions.

Love is happy. Settling is depressing.

If your relationship is making you sad, angry, or confused more than it’s making you happy, it’s not the right relationship to be in. It can be hard to say goodbye, but for your own mental health, it’s important that you do.

This doesn’t always mean that it’s the other person’s fault, though. The truth is, it’s almost always up to both people collectively. Sure, one person may have more say than the other, but if they don’t have the initiative to walk away, they are allowing their partner to continue taking advantage of them.

There’s a saying that I’m sure you’ve heard – “you teach people how to treat you”. I’m not really sure who originally said it, but it holds a lot of weight. If you allow yourself to be treated like dirt, you will continually be treated like dirt.

This is especially tough because settling often teaches us that we aren’t really the only ones involved in our decisions. (Love does this too, but in a different way.) But if your partner loves you, she will want you to be happy as well – even if it’s not with her. Maybe the time apart will motivate her to be more considerate of your feelings, or maybe it won’t. That really depends on the person and the situation.

The moral of the story is, if your relationship isn’t making you happy – let it go. It’s not love, no matter how much you want it to be.

When it comes to the subject of cheating, opinions about “what counts” are all over the place. Something that might seem harmless to some might be downright deal-breaking to others. So how can you know what’s “safe” to do?

The short answer is, if you’re worried about your partner finding out about it, you probably shouldn’t be involved with it – but of course, it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Sex with someone of the same gender as your partner

For many people, this is considered “the ultimate offense”. The idea is that someone who is the same gender as your partner cannot possibly offer anything that your partner can’t – but sometimes that’s not really the case. Generally speaking, unless you and your partner have explicitly discussed it, this is out of the question – but that applies to pretty much anything that could be considered cheating.

When you have sex with someone who is the same gender as your partner, you are (at least in part) invalidating your commitment to your partner. This can make your partner feel that she is inadequate, and that sex with her is not enough for you. Where you might be tempted by alcohol, drugs, or simply excessive temptation, your partner will (most likely) see only the indiscretion and betrayal.

Of course, for as many people who consider this “worse”, there are others who think it’s “not as bad” as cheating with someone who isn’t similar to their partner. This doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with gender or sexuality or anything else – it’s a matter of personal opinion, and opinions are, by definition, different to everyone.

Sex with someone of a different gender than your partner

For many lesbians, the idea of their partner cheating with a man is considered a slap in the face. It makes us question the sexuality of our partner (which isn’t entirely fair, because sexuality is rarely black and white). Meanwhile, many men do not consider their girlfriend having sex with a woman to be “cheating” – why is this?

There is a school of thought that pretty much says that cheating only “counts” if it’s something that you could go to your partner for, and there is an opposite school of thought that thinks that there’s an implied sexism if someone thinks that cheating with a woman “isn’t really cheating”. Essentially, these two ideas aren’t really that far off; in both cases, people are extending a definition of cheating that doesn’t necessarily apply to the people involved, but rather to the people observing.

Naturally, if you’re not sure where your partner stands on this one, it’s best if you resist the temptation. Often you may run the risk of betraying your partner’s trust by assuming you know what he or she would be okay with, and if you care about this person, you shouldn’t want to risk it.

Sexting – with anyone

Sexting is still a relatively new concept, although the idea has been around for longer than text messaging has. Once upon a time in the early days of the internet, cybersex was the quintessential “nerd love” thing to do. Now that everyone is typing more than they’re talking, it’s become even more common – but that doesn’t mean people’s feathers don’t still get ruffled by it.

When you’re sexting with someone, you’re putting a fair amount of thought into what you say to them, and often it involves things that your partner would be pretty upset to find out about. If you’re not sure if she’d be mad, it’s safest to assume she would.

There are some women who do not consider sexting cheating, as it doesn’t require any emotion or physical contact, but it’s presumed that these women are in the minority. Cheating is a spectrum, after all, with most of the “offenses” being centered toward the middle. Make sure you know where your partner stands before engaging in any activities she might not approve of.

Talking to an ex – in private

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you have to hide it from your partner, you shouldn’t be doing it. This is (of course) a highly generalized statement, but the need to be secretive is, in many ways, a subtle admission of guilt.

Many people choose to stay in contact with their exes, for a variety of reasons, and it’s not usually anything to be concerned about. But the fact remains that hiding it means that you feel guilty, whether there is a legitimate reason to feel guilty or not. If you care about your partner, you should be able to be honest with her – no matter what the situation.

Talking to an ex – openly

If you are talking to an ex (or anyone, really) while you are in a relationship, you should be able to tell your partner about it. The truth is that some will still have a problem with this – and, to some extent, you should be able to accommodate her for these problems.

This isn’t to say that you should automatically say goodbye to everyone your partner feels jealous over. Sometimes jealousy is coming from a place of insecurity, and these insecurities may need to be dealt with – if they are the actual root of the problem.

If, on the other hand, your partner is jealous because you’re admittedly flirting with the people you’re talking to, or you still have feelings for, your love for your partner should be enough to stop you from these types of interactions. If they’re not, then your partner deserves to be with someone who can give her their full attention.

So how do you know what’s ok?

The easiest way to know what’s off limits to your partner is to ask! Communication is key, even in open relationships, and without honesty and trust there isn’t much of a relationship to start with. Your partner should be free to express herself, and you should understand that her anger (while it may seem unjustified) is her right. People react to different scenarios differently, and you can’t always predict how a situation will affect you, even if you have explicitly discussed it.

I’m no stranger to the idea of having two girlfriends. When I was a teenager, I often refused to commit myself to a single woman, preferring instead to keep my options open. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages, but usually (in my experience) there are more problems created than problems solved by this type of arrangement.

As a bit of a disclaimer, I do not think that anyone should ever be dishonest with the person they’re dating. If you’re not being exclusive, I beg you to not let any of the women you’re involved with think that you are. It’s not only hurtful, but it can cause its own subset of problems. For the purposes of this article, I am going to assume that the women you’re involved with know about each other – because they should.

This also applies to the idea of dating a man and a woman simultaneously (for my bisexual ladies). It may work for some people, but here are a few reasons it doesn’t really work for me.

There will be jealousy.

If there is any part of the relationship that involves deeper feelings than just sex, there is going to be jealousy from one of the partners. Even sometimes if there’s only sex, someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and there’s not a lot you can do about that.

Some women might not feel jealous of other women, and I applaud you. We shouldn’t really feel jealous of each other, because from a fundamental standpoint, we are all equal. But just because we “should be” equal doesn’t mean that jealousy can be kept away that easily.

If you’re trying to date more than one person at a time, you’ll have to anticipate at least one of those people being jealous about the situation. This even extends to “committed open relationships”; even if we do not “allow” ourselves to feel jealous, the part of the brain that controls this particular emotion is not easily shut off.

There will be confusion.

At some point in time, there’s going to be the question of which person means more to you. Whether this is because of one of the women giving you an ultimatum, or it’s a result of your heart becoming attached to one (or both) of them, this confusion is likely to cause pain – not only for you, but also for your partners. This can even be true for the one you “choose” in this situation.

Even if you keep the confusion to yourself, there will likely be a question in the mind of the people you’re dating as to who you feel more attracted to, more attached to, more turned on by… Well, you get the picture.

This confusion isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as it’s important that we question our motives when it comes to life, love, and everything else. But if your confusion begins to take over, you might have to take a step back from both women – which will likely cause even more pain.

There will be competition.

A little competition is healthy in life. It motivates us to do better, to be better, and to aim higher. But if the women you’re seeing are too competitive in respect to each other, this can be dangerous. Sometimes this competition will result in someone feeling inferior, or someone getting seriously hurt (like physically hurt – some women can get violent when they’re jealous!).

Of course, this competition and jealousy can lead to even more confusion. After all, it’s hard to quantify our emotions, and just because we know someone is the “better” choice doesn’t mean that’s the person we’re going to pick. We might end up settling, in one way or another.

There will be a back-up plan.

This sounds like a good idea, sure. As someone with occasional severe anxiety, the idea of having a Plan B is hugely reassuring. But a quick look from the other side of things can show just how dangerous this “back-up plan” thing really is. After all, how would you feel to know that you were someone’s back-up plan? Chances are, this is how your back-up plan will feel – and she might reject your offer to be second choice.

No woman wants to feel like a booby prize, or at least not any woman with self-respect and self-confidence. Being a runner up is no fun for her, especially if you are that person’s first choice.

There will be doubts.

When and if you do choose one of these women, there will always be the question in her mind as to whether she was the first choice or the second choice – and that can make the exclusivity more difficult once it comes up. We would like to think that, once we make a choice, we’ll be confident in it – but that’s not always the case.

You’ll doubt yourself, too. You’ll wonder if you made the right choice. You’ll wonder if it even makes a difference. Most of all, you’ll wonder about what it all means. I’m not saying there’s never a “good reason” to be with two people at once, but you’ll need to understand what you’re getting yourself into before you get yourself into it.

There are an infinite number of types of love that you can have for a partner. Even the same partner can embody a number of different feelings within you, and sometimes they certainly will.

What does it mean if the same person keeps re-entering your life, and re-establishing themselves as your OTL (one true love)?

Well, maybe it means there’s something to it.

They prove that change is an obstacle, but not a deterrent.

All relationships go through changes, and sometimes these changes can end the relationship. But if a love has returned to you, even though the situation has changed, it’s possible that – just maybe – this love is meant to stand the test of time. It’s possible that you’re changing in the same direction, which isn’t so much “change” as it is “growth”.

Growth is good – great, even. And if your love for a person is not going to stop just because the situation has changed, it’s likely that you’ll stand up for your love and prove that it’s worth the test of time.

They test your patience, and you win.

When you love someone, you’re bound to get frustrated. You’ll be irritated, mad, or even downright pissed off, depending on the circumstances. But you don’t give up, because your love is more important to you than your pride.

Of course, if someone seems to be doing nothing but making you mad, it may be necessary to re-evaluate things and decide if the pain is worth the happiness. This can be hard to overcome, but for those who find themselves unable to give up hope, it might be worth it to keep hanging on.

They surprise you, in all the right ways.

Just when you thought you were finally getting over your ex, they’re right back at your door, pleading to give the love another chance. When you’re about to walk away for good, they pull you in close, give you a long, slow kiss, and make you wonder why you ever wanted to leave in the first place.

This “coming back” is not always a good thing – and in fact, some may use it as a tool of manipulation. But if you are able to see through the problems and continually find new things to be excited about – this is the best type of surprise. When you expected them to let you down, they raised you up. When you expected disappointment, you were given everything you were hoping for. Maybe it’s a dream, but it can’t hurt to think of the positives.

They refuse to quit.

If your love refuses to end, there’s probably a reason why – it’s possible that the reason is the person is meant to be in your life. I’m a firm believer in destiny, so I think that each person stays in your life for exactly as long as they’re meant to.

For loves that refuse to quit, this means that you’re not done learning what the relationship is meant to teach you. You might not always agree with the message sent, but you can’t deny that there is a message there. If you haven’t learned it yet, you can’t move forward.

In some situations, forcing yourself forward is best – for example, a love with someone who doesn’t value you enough to be honest with you, or who doesn’t respect you enough to be good to you. But of course it’s a two-way street; you should be getting what you give, at least in a basic sense.

That’s not to say that relationships are 50-50. They’re never really 50-50 until it comes to dividing the assets after the fact (and even then, it’s rarely cut straight down the middle). A healthy relationship involves both people giving 110% at all times – but if you’re not both giving it, someone is going to be unhappy.

Even in some cases where the relationship starts a bit unhealthy, it can grow into something more – and this is how exes as a rebound can happen. Sometimes, the thought of actually losing someone who we thought we would never lose is enough to kick us in the pants and get our heads in the right place. Sometimes, we find magic in the darkest of places. Sometimes things are just meant to be and you can’t escape that, no matter how hard you try.

They’re inexplicably perfect for us.

I was involved in a long-term on-and-off relationship for 7 years – which is a really long time given my age. Looking back on the relationship now, I wish I hadn’t let it drag out as long as I had, but there was a reason that I kept going back to her. No matter how much pain she put me through, she was my first love – and I still think of her quite often (although not as fondly as I once did).

For those on the outside, it’s almost impossible to understand what draws us back to a partner when it has already shown that it won’t work out. The constant cycle of break-up, make-up, break-up again is dizzying to those involved – and just as much for those observing. Having been on the other side as well (one of my best friends really ought to divorce her lying husband, but I know she won’t) makes you want to grab these people by the shoulders and shake them violently until they realize that they’re only prolonging their pain.

But when you’re in one of these relationships, it can be hard to let go. As I said previously – this usually means that you haven’t learned the lesson yet. It’s important that you come up with a “last straw” scenario that will be the end of it, and stick to your plan if that ever happens. In my example, the last straw was when she became physically abusive toward me – that’s a definite deal breaker. But your deal breaker may be different. Maybe even less severe. If your perfect person is no longer perfect, in a meaningful way, you should let go.

Does this mean you’ll get over your love right away? Probably not – and possibly not ever. Love is complicated, after all, and there’s no way to determine what will happen in the future. But if you pay attention to the signs, you’re less likely to fall for the same things when they come up again, and you can decide for yourself if it’s worth investing more time or not. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s not – not every relationship is meant to last forever.

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In the dating world, there are a million people with a million and one different opinions. The funny thing about the internet is that you can almost always find someone who’s willing to agree with you – that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re right, even if you’re in the majority.

What are some examples of “bad habits” in relationships and dating that are often considered “good advice”? These things usually come from people who mean well, but maybe don’t know enough about the situation to actually be helpful. You can’t advise someone if you don’t have all the information, and unfortunately it’s almost impossible to have all the information.

It’s important to realize that there are three sides to every story: Your side, the other person’s side, and the truth. This is true in pretty much any relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a family situation, or even a romantic relationship. It’s important that we try to give the truth whenever we can – which requires us to look inside ourselves and acknowledge our flaws. This is especially true when you’re seeking advice.

What are some things that are passed along as “helpful advice” that are rarely helpful, and why do people pass these things along if they aren’t true?

Advice: You should stay together for the kids.

Obviously, any time there are kids involved, a situation automatically becomes more complex and difficult. Many people advocate for families to stay together “for the kids” even if they might be unhappy together or even unhealthy for each other. This is a load of crap.

This advice usually comes from people who value the family unit, and give it the ultimate priority in things. It’s well-intentioned advice that often misses its mark. Take it from a child of a so-called “broken” home: Your kids don’t want you to be miserable for them.

If your kids are young, it may be difficult for them to adjust to the idea of their parents splitting up. But as they grow up, they will be able to see that you are unhappy together, and they may assume that it’s their fault. If you’re staying together just because you have kids with this person, you’re making it the kids’ fault, and that’s not fair to them.

If you are worried about splitting up at a specific time because it could interfere with something going on in your child’s life, this is different. For example, the family breaking apart while your kid is in the middle of finals might cause them to bomb their finals. But this doesn’t mean you should stay together indefinitely because it’s inconvenient.

We, as humans, are always trying to find the “easy” way to do things. We tell ourselves that we’re just going to wait until the “right time”, whether it’s something good or something bad. But the truth is, there is never going to be a “right time”. Life is complicated, and things can change any day – you shouldn’t stay with someone who makes you unhappy just to save your kids from confusion.

I understand that your children’s happiness is often more important than your own. But when you make yourself miserable for the sake of simplifying things for your child, the message you’re sending them is relationships are not about being happy. Is this something you want them to practice as an adult?

Advice: You can’t find love if you’re looking for it – so stop trying.

This bit of advice is usually wrapped around the idea that you have to have your own interests before you can be happy in a relationship. And if it were worded that way, it would actually be really good advice. But to say that you shouldn’t look for love is a bit ridiculous. After all, if you’ve got your walls up, you’re not going to find love, either.

You can date while still being single. In fact, it’s a good thing! You can do your own thing, have some fun on your own, and still look for a partner. There’s no real rule that says you have to be 100% perfect in order to attract someone. It doesn’t work like that. No human is capable of true perfection, and if you wait until you’re “ready”, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with working on yourself and looking for love at the same time. It shouldn’t be the focus of your life – you need balance. But don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not going to meet the love of your life if you’re trying to find her. The unexpected can happen at any time, and yes, that includes finding love when you may have been looking for dinner and a movie.

If you won’t let love into your life, what you’re saying is I’m not good enough for a partner. This is absolutely not true (in most cases). You are worthy of love, even if you’re not “ready” for it.

Advice: If you can’t find love, you should lower your standards.

“Standards” are a silly thing when you really think about it. I mean, everyone claims to have them – but it’s important to understand that standards and criteria are not always the same thing. There’s this assumption that they are, and this can lead to unnecessary pain when someone doesn’t meet them, on one side or the other.

Our standards refer to the things we want for ourselves. These are not material things (or at least, they shouldn’t be) and they’re not things you should compromise. Standards deal with your core values, which are things you’re unlikely to change – your ideal partner should align with your core values. Your standards relate to the things you truly deserve in your relationship. You have every right to want honesty, stability, respect, and maturity from your partner – and you have every right to reject a partner who doesn’t have these things to offer you.

Our criteria are something else. This usually refers to preferences, rather than demands. Your criteria could be someone with a high-paying job, their own car, a college degree, red hair… These things will often have to be compromised. You can’t really expect to find a woman that’s exactly what you’re looking for. It’s much better to sacrifice a preference than it is to sacrifice your core values. This is particularly true if you have “shallow” criteria. These things should be considered a perk and not a requirement.

If you sacrifice your standards in order to meet your preferences, the message you’re sending is I value looks and success more than I value my own beliefs. Most likely, this isn’t actually true – so you shouldn’t run your relationship this way.

Advice: Hit up a group to find someone new.

There are some people who recommend checking out events that you have no interest or reason to be involved with (such as an AA meeting if you’re not an alcoholic, or a hockey game if you’re not a fan) in order to meet new people and expand your social or romantic circle.

This advice comes from the idea that the people you have less in common with will probably be hiding somewhere you haven’t looked yet. Of course! But do you want to know why that’s bad advice? Because the people you meet at these places will be meeting a fake version of yourself. Do you really want to be the person who lies in order to get that first date?

It might seem like a little white lie, and I guess in many ways it is. But if you start your relationship with a lie, the urge to lie more can (and usually will) pop up. You may feel obligated to continue being this fake person that you’ve created for this individual. This is, generally, a terrible idea.

No one wants to be with someone fake – not even someone else who’s fake. If you’re acting in order to get with someone, you’re basically saying It’s more about having a relationship than being myself. If you have to lie or change a big part of yourself in order to be with someone, they’re not the right person for you. Pure and simple.

Advice: Taking the next step will fix all your problems.

Some people think that getting married, or having a baby, or moving in together (or all three) is going to fix all the problems they have in their relationship. This is dangerous thinking, particularly if children are involved. Using any of these relationship “steps” when you’re not actually for them can have disastrous consequences.

The people who pass along this advice are operating under the assumption that these things are bonding activities – and they are, when they are used in a relationship that is solid. But if your relationship is lacking, the extra stress from any of these things (because they are all stressful events) can make the situation even worse – not better.

The idea that moving in together will fix your problems is confusing for those of us who have actually lived with a partner before. After all, when you move in with someone, you’re combining more stuff, more people, and less space. You’ll lose a portion of your autonomy. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you’re already having problems, it can add extra strain to an already hectic situation.

Having a baby to fix a problem is, essentially, just as bad as staying together for the kids – because they come from the same place. A baby will not magically fix things, and it can add a lot of extra stress to the situation. You’ll have less sleep, more responsibilities, less privacy, less time to spend being romantic with your partner… Oh, and you’ll be tied with your partner, at least loosely, for the child’s life. (That is, unless one partner withholds the child from the other partner – which is pretty messed up. It’s not your kid’s fault that your relationship failed – do not punish the child for the actions of its other parent.)

Getting married is also a hugely stressful time, and it’s supposed to be a statement of your love and commitment to one another. Therefore, why anyone would want to marry someone that they’re not absolutely head-over-heels for is beyond me. Planning a wedding is incredibly stressful, even if you are happy together, and if you’re not, you’re just inviting trouble.

The idea that any of these things can “fix” problems is to believe that they are the goal of the relationship. By trying to force yourself past a problem by skipping ahead, you’re saying I want the happy ending whether it’s actually happy or not. Life is not a fairy tale, and not every relationship is meant to go the distance. Don’t trap yourself with someone because you think it’ll solve your problems – it won’t.

Advice: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Most people aren’t completely faithful in every relationship they’re in. For some of us, we spent some time unhappy with men before realizing that we’d be better with women – and occasionally there may have even been some overlap between the two. Does that mean that we won’t ever be faithful to anyone? Not necessarily.

This advice often comes from the mindset of “slut-shaming”, which comes from the idea of penalizing people for liking sex. (Hello, most of us like sex – what’s the difference?) But the truth is, you can be unhappy in one relationship, and it has no effect on relationships after that one.

The only real problem is if someone doesn’t learn from their mistakes. Obviously, cheating is widely considered bad – but the definition of cheating is different for everyone, too. Just because someone was unable to meet the demands of one partner doesn’t automatically make them a “slut”, and it doesn’t mean that they don’t have the capability to do better in the future. Things happen sometimes, and while cheating is never an accident, it can be a mistake that we learn from.

The idea that a cheater will always be a cheater is no different than thinking that someone who was cheated on once will be cheated on again. It just doesn’t hold up. Just because it’s true sometimes doesn’t make it “a truth” – although if you cheated in your last relationship, it may be worthwhile to go out of your way to prove that it’s not going to happen again.

Another point worth mentioning is that the temptation to cheat is a sign that we’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign from your mind (and sometimes your heart) that you shouldn’t be with that person. While it’s easier on everyone’s feelings if you wait until you break up to start looking for someone new, the last person being wrong doesn’t mean that the next person is wrong too.

If you assume a cheater will always be a cheater, you’re saying I don’t believe people can learn from their mistakes. As previously mentioned, just because it wasn’t an accident doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. In some cases, this can even be true if you’re still with the same person who cheated on you – they may have learned that the other side wasn’t as green as it seemed. Don’t assume their bad behavior is going to continue unless it already has.

What’s the moral here?

Sometimes, people give bad advice. But every situation is different, and there’s no way that someone will know what’s best for you. All they can do is guess at it – it’s up to you to determine what advice to take and what advice to ignore.

You’re just as much at fault for taking bad advice as the person who gave it to you. After all, following any advice without taking all the details into consideration is, basically, presuming that this other person – who might even be a stranger to you – knows you better than you know yourself.

Pretty silly, right?

Don’t let other people make your choices for you. Thank them for their advice, and then do whatever you think is best. Maybe their words will play in, and maybe they won’t. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Don’t count on someone else to solve your problems.

(And yes, that is my professional advice to you!)

I was born a child of the information age. I grew up with computers – my family first got internet when I was five years old, so I’ve pretty much always had the chance to talk to people who were far away. Of course, chat rooms aren’t really a place to find love (not that I was looking for love when I was five), but that’s not to say that I haven’t had my fair share of long-distance relationships.

They’re sometimes hard to understand. Funny thing about distance, you’ll either realize how much you miss someone or you’ll realize how much better you are on your own. With more and more people finding love on the internet these days, long-distance relationships seem to be more common than ever – but truly, they’re nothing new.

Perk: You have time to do your own thing.

Happy, healthy relationships require the partners to maintain their autonomy. Sometimes, when we live with our partner, it can be tempted to fall into the “we” mentality. If you’re far apart, you maintain your own independence. You’re not automatically scheduling for two – you’re responsible for yourself.

Hurt: You wonder what they do with their time.

Jealousy can run rampant in a long-distance relationship, especially if either of you has a history of infidelity. Some long-distance couples negotiate a “hall pass” type rule, where they’re allowed to see other people, as long as their time together is dedicated to each other. If you’re the jealous type, or the wandering type, this might be a good way to work it out. It won’t work for everyone, though.

Perk: You have your own space.

I’m not sure about you, but I need my own space sometimes. I like being alone sometimes, and I need to know that I can spend my time by myself. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you maintain your own space, because you’re not sharing it with your partner. You will have to pay bills at your place, and your partner will have to pay bills at her place – but you won’t have to worry about sharing every last thing.

Hurt: You have a LOT of alone time.

Being in a long-distance relationship can be lonely sometimes. This can be particularly true if you don’t like sleeping alone (I don’t). It doesn’t mean you’re doomed, though. If you can work it to your advantage, you might find that your long-distance relationship proves that you’re not just with your partner because you’re lonely. After all, you’ll still be lonely – but you’ll have someone to think of to pass the time.

Perk: Your time together will be extra special.

For couples who spend the majority of their time together, it can begin to blur together and become one giant date – with the details being indistinguishable. If you have to wait a long time between visits with your partner, you are more likely to value the time you do spend together. After all, it’s not like you can just try again when you’re in a better mood – you have now, so make the most of it.

Hurt: You’re going to miss each other. A lot.

It goes without saying that, if you care about your partner, you’ll want to be close to her – and in a LDR, this isn’t always easy. But you can speak to each other over the phone, over Skype, in text messages – this is, after all, the age of technology and communication. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and many of them are free.

Perk: Surprises are easier when you don’t have to hide them.

I am very bad at surprises – but I’ve always wanted to be the type of person to surprise my partner. I’m spontaneous enough, but I’m not good at keeping secrets. If you’re not living with your partner, it can be easier to surprise her – after all, you’ve only got to worry about spilling the beans when you’re actually talking to each other. There’s pretty much zero chance that she’s going to happen to come across the Christmas presents you put off wrapping until the last minute.

Hurt: Plans sometimes fall through.

One of the most difficult things to deal with in a long distance relationship can be a plan that fell through. Even the most carefully-laid plans are occasionally blown apart by things out of our control. And if the surprise you’re planning (see the perk above) is to come visit her when she’s not expecting you – there’s a chance this surprise won’t work out as well as you’d planned. A long-distance relationship has to keep expectations loose, otherwise there’s bound to be disappointment.

So is it worth it?

If you really care about this woman, a long-distance relationship can definitely be worth all the hurt that comes along with the territory. All relationships require trust, communication, and respect, but even short-term distance can put a greater emphasis on these things.

They’re definitely not right for everyone – and there is always a chance for jealousy, loneliness, and heartbreak. But if the two of you are able to find balance in your relationship, the distance won’t make as much of a difference as you might be afraid of. And if you find that you work better apart, that doesn’t always mean that you need to break up

Sometimes, a little distance is all you need to put your priorities in perspective.

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Before I begin, I want to make one thing completely clear: Cheating is a very personal topic, and people are free to define “cheating” in their own relationships.

No one can evaluate your relationship for you and tell you what you should count as infidelity. Just because one person feels one way does not mean that everyone does. The specifics for your relationship are between you and your partner.

That being said, there are a few different categories that can be considered cheating. Some are more widespread than others, and most likely any relationship will consider at least some of the following to be indicators of an unfaithful partner.

Maybe you have an open relationship but choose to be emotionally intimate only with your primary partner – this should be considered when you factor in the various forms of cheating on this list.

1. Kissing.

For many women, kissing is considered cheating. There are obvious exceptions, such as “family kisses” reserved for the closest platonic relationships in your life – but when a “romantic kiss” is given to someone, it can be considered a violation of your relationship’s boundaries.

If you are feeling the need to kiss other women while you are in a relationship, and your partner is not OK with this, you will need to determine which is most important to you. In most cases, you will choose your primary romantic partner; after all, she will be the one who gets your romance and your sense of humor. Why shouldn’t she get all your kisses, too?

2. Cuddling.

I personally do not consider cuddling to be cheating, in most cases – provided all clothes stay on and nobody involved is trying for anything else. After all, cuddling keeps you warm and happy, and it feels nice. It can be done with absolutely no sexual connotations.

My girlfriend and I enjoy an occasional “cuddle puddle” with a select few of our mutual, platonic friends. Would either of us ever try to take it further than that? Not a chance. Do we cuddle with our platonic friends without each other? Yeah, sometimes – but it’s just the relationship we have with that specific friend. I can’t honestly predict how I would react if it were any other friend in question.

It is easy to understand how this could be taken as cheating, though. When you cuddle with someone, your brain produces the same hormone that is produced in a sexual climax – oxytocin, the bonding chemical of the human brain. This is why you must be extra certain that you understand each other when it comes to the subject of cuddling.

3. Flirting.

I used to be quite the flirt. I’ve lost a bit of my touch lately, because I’m out of practice. Generally speaking, I won’t flirt with someone else when I’m in a relationship – but it has never been because a partner said she considered it cheating.

I have heard of other women getting jealous over their partner flirting with someone, though, and I understand where that jealousy comes from. Many relationships start with flirting, so it can be easy to assume that your partner might be flirting in an attempt to form a relationship with this new person. Hey, it’s not always right – but it is what it is.

4. Sexting.

This is a difficult conversation to bring up, but in some ways it does have to do with sex. Typically speaking, you shouldn’t be discussing sex with someone who you’re not actually having sex with – and therefore the assumption is if you’re sexting, you’re sexing.

This is obviously just an assumption, but it would be naive to think that it was without basis.

If you’re sending naked pictures of yourself to someone who isn’t your partner, or requesting naked pictures of someone else, or even talking dirty to someone – you are exchanging sexual attention with someone who isn’t your partner. Unless you know for sure that your partner would not be bothered by this behavior, it’s best if you don’t do it.

This is different than viewing pornography, though – although it would technically include “live cam shows” where you can chat with the “models”. Pornography is simply a genre of film, however you slice it, whereas the interaction is what validates it as an indiscretion.

5. Pornography.

Okay, so I just made such a big deal about pornography not being the same as exchanging sexual attention – but to some women, it’s just as big of a deal. I think women like this are starting to decline, but they definitely still exist (I got into a big debate about it with some Facebook friends not too long ago).

If your girlfriend isn’t comfortable with the idea of you watching porn, you should probably do your best to honor those requests. If you feel it’s a need (which could be a sign of a deeper issue) consider negotiating to get some “material” where she is the star. Of course, not all women will oblige this request, and you must respect that.

And if you do get your girlfriend to provide you with some homemade content – don’t share it, period, unless she explicitly says that you can (hint: that’s rare). That’s a serious violation of her trust, her personal privacy, and it invalidates your relationship.

Think of the last “leaked sex tape” you saw. (Admit it, you’ve seen one.) We think of these things as sexy intimate encounters caught on camera, and they are. But what we often overlook is the fact that the person who leaked it completely betrayed the person who didn’t want it leaked. Don’t be that asshole.

6. Hiding things.

You don’t always have to take an action to be unfaithful. If you feel the need to hide things from your partner (other than surprises for her), this is a sign that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you have to put a password on your phone – you’re hiding, no matter what your reason may be.

Think about it: If you trust your partner, you should trust her enough to know that she won’t go through your phone without your consent. If she respects you, she won’t take advantage of your trust. If you’re not willing to swap phones with your partner – maybe you’re not supposed to be in this relationship.

Please note that I am not saying that you have to give your partner permission to go through your things. She should respect your right to privacy without you having to demand it. Personally, I know the password to my partner’s phone, and she knows mine, but we leave it alone unless something comes up.

I’d hand my phone off to her in a heartbeat, though, and there have actually been a few times when we’ve swapped phones for some reason or another. Maybe I stayed at home while she went to the store, and her phone was dead. The worst thing you can do in that case is betray the trust invested – just because you have permission to use the phone doesn’t mean that you own what’s in it.

7. Secret profiles – anywhere.

You know how some people have those “joint” Facebook accounts with their partner just so you know that they’re spoken for, and it leaves the person looking at it wondering which one of them broke the trust of the other? Well, I’m not talking about that. Avoid that.

What I’m talking about is the need to have a secret profile that your partner doesn’t know about. Maybe it’s on a chat site, or a dating site, or even a second profile on Facebook. It’s not necessarily a bad idea to have another profile, but you shouldn’t have to keep it a secret from your partner.

Particularly if the profile is on a dating/chat site, this can come across quite badly if your partner were to find out about it “on accident”. Of course, just having the profile doesn’t mean you’re guilty of trying to stray – but if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you think?

Even if you’re looking for an “other” in your open relationship, you should never keep it a secret from your partner. Honesty and communication are key to any healthy relationship.

8. Pouring your emotions into someone else.

Whether it’s someone you vent your anger to (when you should be taking these things up with your partner), someone you dump your sadness on (which, again, should be shared with your partner), or someone you go to for sharing your joys – you should be going to your partner first.

Even if the emotions seem to be minor details to you, closing your partner out of your emotional well-being is subliminally saying that you don’t care about her opinions – you should be able to go to her to share your joy when you are happy, and to pick you up when you are down. If you would rather share these things with someone else, you should take a step back and evaluate your relationship to see if it’s truly making you happy.

Not every relationship is right, and if you do not feel an emotional connection with your partner, it’s very likely that the two of you are not meant to work out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. If everyone was meant to be together, no one would ever be monogamous!

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