Tag Archives: advice

10 Weird Things That Can Make Your Sex Life So Much Better

Here at KitschMix, we want to help you have the best sex of your life. But what happens if new positions and toys aren’t getting the job done? Sometimes, the reasons for your mediocre sex life are so simple, you’ll wonder why you weren’t already doing them. I’m here to share 10 of those reasons with you today – how many can you add into your routine?

Relax!

A ten-minute meditation session every day can do wonders for your life. It puts you in a state of calm, and helps teach you how to focus on one thing at a time. But, did you know that it can also make your sex life better? As someone who’s been practicing meditation every day for the past six weeks, I’ll personally vouch for this one: Meditating in the morning makes your nighttime activities just a bit more satisfying.

That’s not just my opinion, though. According to a study by Canada’s University of British Columbia and Israel’s Hadassah University Hospital, women were more receptive to erotic imagery (specifically, porn) after meditating than they were before meditating. I recommend giving a brief daily meditation a try – even if you’re not looking for the sex life boost it promises.

Check out J Marie’s post about couple’s meditation if you want to get your partner in on it too.

Read something naughty.

There’s a reason why so many women buy romance novels – and I don’t think they’re all doing it to pass the time until they meet their prince(ss) charming. We are highly imaginative creatures, and reading erotica helps train your brain to visualize your fantasies. Think of it like a guided meditation that you keep your eyes open for.

According to sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, erotic literature can quickly jump-start the arousal process. Of course, the quality of the stories you read is going to come into play, too, but once you’ve trained yourself to fantasize better, the shortcomings of the less-than-great stories starts to fade away a little. Give it a shot with some of these stories on Nifty, or head to your local adult store to pick up some paperbacks.

Have sweaty post-workout sex.

The benefits of regular exercise remain undisputed – it helps increase blood flow, boosts your energy and stamina, and keeps you limber. All of these things are amazing for your sex life as it is, but did you know that exercise also raises your dopamine levels and your self-esteem? Dopamine is the brain chemical responsible for feelings of happiness, and we all know that happy sex is the best sex. Some women can even have an orgasm from exercise alone!

According to Janet Hyde, PhD, University of Wisconsin-Madison psychology and women’s studies professor, “After 35 to 40 minutes of moderate exercise, everything in your body is going right. Your blood is circulating, your nervous system is firing, so scheduling sex right after you exercise makes for good sex.” And, according to Judith R. Gerber, PhD, “The less exercise [women 45-55 years old] got, the lower their desire and sexual satisfaction.”

If you don’t think you have time to exercise, check out this list of exercises you can do in less than 10 minutes per day.

Pop a multivitamin.

While we all know that nutrition is important to our health, overall, most people resist eating healthier – whether because they can’t afford it (Why are salads so damn expensive anyway? They’re over 90% water!) or because they don’t enjoy it. In fact, most people aren’t getting nearly enough nutrients from food alone – but a multivitamin might help, especially if it has a high folate and iron content.

According to Tufts University researcher Martha Morris, PhD, “Low folate levels can make you feel tired, with no energy for sex.” And, according to Swiss researcher Bernard Favrat, MD, low iron levels kill your neurotransmitters – sinking your energy levels even lower. The daily recommended amount of iron is 18mg and folate 400mg – so make sure your multivitamin contains at least that much of each, just to be sure.

Get a massage (from a professional).

As great as a good rub-down from your partner can be, there’s a reason the professionals still have a job: They go to school to learn exactly where to touch your body to make you feel the best. Don’t worry about the cost – you don’t need to splurge on an hour-long session. Even a quick 10-minute back massage will do wonders. (And, of course, your partner can help fill in between spa appointments.)

Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First, says “The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin. The more oxytocin is released, the more desire a woman will feel.” And, just think about how sexy you feel when your partner rubs you down – now imagine that she was actually a trained professional instead of a hobby-amateur, and just picture how much sexier you could feel. Have you made your appointment yet?

Use the power of scent.

Certain smells have the power to increase blood flow, which makes the body a lot more receptive to arousal triggers. Pumpkin pie and lavender scents increase the blood flow by about 11%, while cucumber, licorice, and baby powder increase the blood flow by about 13%. The numbers might be small, but since you’ll be increasing blood flow in the most sensitive areas of your body, you don’t need big numbers – just a small increase will be amazing.

Essential oils can be particularly helpful, especially when you know the right blends to use. Jasmine, rose, and sandalwood are traditional aphrodisiacs that have been used for hundreds of years to increase sexual satisfaction, and these days you can get an aromatherapy diffuser online for reasonably cheap. I personally use this one from GuruNanda, but the specific brand doesn’t really matter. You need to enjoy the scents you choose, though, or they’ll just be a distraction.

Talk to your doctor about getting off any unnecessary medications.

I think it’s well-known that anti-depressants, especially SSRIs like Prozac and Zoloft, decrease sexual desire – and, according to Andrew Goldstein, MD, of the Sexual Wellness Center in Annapolis, Maryland, they might be the number-one cause of anorgasmia, or the inability to orgasm. Shorter-acting SSRIs like Zoloft and SNRIs like Effexor might be safe to skip a dose every now and then to minimize their effects on your sex life. Wellbutrin helps raise dopamine levels, instead of dropping them, so it may be an option for those who have had bad side effects from other anti-depressants.

No matter which medications you’re taking, you need to talk to your doctor before lowering or stopping your current treatment option – there may be unpleasant side-effects or even withdrawals. It might be awkward to bring this one up with your doctor – especially if you’ve got a doctor that’s not very LGBT-friendly. (It makes me sad how many of them there still are.) But just because the conversation is awkward doesn’t mean that you can skip it – save yourself the potential disaster and make sure your doctor gives their OK.

Focus (possibly with the help of a DHEA supplement).

While meditation, mentioned above, can help improve your focus, women naturally have overactive brains. That’s probably why we’re at higher risk of contracting anxiety disorders, and why it’s hard to “wind down” to get ready for sex sometimes. Creating a safe haven that you feel comfortable in can help, but if that’s not enough, you might have trouble producing DHEA. This naturally-occuring sex hormone declines over time, and while its effectiveness hasn’t been verified by science, it is naturally produced by your body just before an orgasm. Usually.

When your body doesn’t produce enough DHEA, you can’t really appreciate the sex you’re having, because you never reach that “almost there” moment that feels so damn good. But taking a supplement that contains DHEA might help trick your body into thinking you don’t have an issue producing it on your own. Again, this information isn’t explicitly backed up by scientific research, but there is a natural connection between the two – so if you’re having trouble, it might be worth trying a supplement.

Work with what you’ve got.

Most women fall into a category that Emily Nagoski calls “responsive desire” – but if your partner falls into a second category, called “spontaneous desire,” it’s likely that she doesn’t know you need a little more time to warm up. If you love and trust your partner, you can probably let her get started before you’re in the mood, and chances are good that you’ll get there before she’s done with you. (Just remember to gently nudge her in the right direction – she might not know that your arousal style isn’t the same as hers.)

If you haven’t built up that level of trust with your partner yet, there is still another option: Be a self-starter! That is, take a few minutes to start pleasuring yourself and get the ball rolling. Doing this in front of your partner can be incredibly sexy, and you already know what gets your motor running – why not make things a little easier on both of you?

Keep it simple.

Most importantly, you need to remember that it’s okay to keep things simple. You don’t need a fancy toy or a wild position or some skimpy lingerie to have a good time. You also don’t need an activity that lasts all night – most people are satisfied with about 13 minutes of sexual activity. Since the average lesbian sex session lasts about 45 minutes, you’ve probably got it handled more than you think you do.

If you’re trying too hard to get in the mood, you’re not going to get in the mood. (It’s sad, but true.) You’re only going to stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on it. Instead, make peace with the fact that, some days, you’re just not going to be feeling it – and that’s perfectly okay. Don’t try to force it. Sex shouldn’t be a chore – it should be an act of intimacy!

Halloween Date Ideas For You And Your Girl

Its Halloween, which means time for pumpkins, trick or treating and getting cosy with your girlfriend. Here are a few date ideas to get you both in the mood for some festive lovin.

They called it pumpkin love…

Carve your pumpkins together and get an extra pumpkin to make soup with. A hot bowl of pumpkin soup will get both of you toasty, and you can even have a competition as to whose is the best design. If you fight too much over it, though, guarantee that sparks will fly. Either way, this idea is sure to bring out both your creative and competitive sides.

Scary movie night

This one might be a classic, but it works every time. A cold october night, a scary movie marathon and the love of your life. Make yourselves some popcorn and hot chocolate, curl up under a forte blanket and watch your favourite horrors. Lots of cuddles are ensured when either of you gets scared. This date is a winner.

Star gazing

A less Halloween idea and more of an October one. Here comes a time of year when nights are cool, but both crisp and clear at the same time. Find a particularly clear one, get your blanket and lay under the stars. It’s cosy, cheap and so romantic. You can even have a picnic under the stars and add candles for effect, if you were that way inclined.

Theme your room

Whether you’re moving house, have recently moved or just don’t mind a change of scenery for a while. Get creative together and decorate your room. It could be your bedroom, or even your kitchen, but whichever room you pick make sure you decorate together. Half the fun is in the ideas and choosing what it’s going to look like.

Trick or treating

This is an old school idea, and many would say childish. However, it is one of the more fun options. You get to dress up, and could even go as far as to go dressed in couples Halloween costumes. Ideas are plenty with what you can do, and at the end of the night you get to eat loads of sweets whilst watching your favourite movies.

Whatever you’re doing this Halloween, single or together, make it a great one. Dress up, go out, stay in, have fun and make it a treat.

10 Sex Tips You Need To Try ASAP

Long-term relationships are great. Not only do you get the comfort of knowing that the person by your side has been there through the rough moments, and still cares about you, but you’ve also got a good rhythm going – you basically know what each other likes, and you know how to be comfortable with each other. There’s no pressure for “good sex,” because you know you’ll have another shot the next time. Even better, you know there will be a next time.

But feeling too comfortable can be a disaster, and mediocre sex is boring as hell.

How can you keep the spice alive, without pushing yourself too hard, or – yikes – pulling a muscle? Try these 10 simple tips and let us know how they work out for you.

(Sometimes, the little things do make all the difference.)

1. Start with a sizzle that leads into an explosion.

Even though sexting might seem a little juvenile, it doesn’t have to be. With practice, you can perfect your sexting game so that it sets everything else into motion. And it doesn’t have to be super dirty, either – you can keep things classy while still getting your partner’s motor running. Purr.

In fact, if you’re looking to start a sexting inferno with your long-term partner, simple and classy is the way to go. Stick with messages that would seem innocent to outsiders – not that your partner should be sharing your private text conversations – and skip anything that would make you blush if you said it out loud. (Trust me, that nervousness comes through in the texts to your partner, and it will seem forced. Because it is.)

The best part of sexting is the tease, so take an “inside joke” approach and forego the pictures and dirty words. Trust us on this one – you don’t need to be vulgar to be sexy.

2. Include a sexy scalp massage as part of your warm-up.

Even among couples who give each other sensual massages (TBH, it’s the #1 way to get me in the mood), the scalp tends to get ignored a bit. After all, your scalp isn’t sexy, so the closest most of us get is a bit of hair-pulling when things get rough. But what if you’re not trying to have rough sex – you’re just trying to have passionate sex?

Any type of massage will undeniably beat some of the stress and tension that’s been building up, but the scalp has a ton of nerve endings that probably don’t get stimulated nearly as often as they should. And, since those nerve endings are so close to the brain, the effects they give off are super intense. Plus, scalp massages just feel good – so why not treat your partner?

You can even bring scalp massages into your solo sessions – it just takes a little practice. Give it a shot, and let us know how it worked out for you.

3. Get into that vacation mindset.

If you’ve ever had “vacation sex,” I don’t have to tell you how awesome it is. (And, if you haven’t had vacation sex before… Let me tell you… There is something magical about literally leaving all the stress and distraction behind.) But, sadly, given the current global economy… Most of us can’t afford to go on vacay every time we want some hot action.

Instead, set the mood at home – either in your guest bedroom, or in a cheap motel – and get ready to reap the benefits of vacation sex without the bills. If you’re a little more well-off financially, you can rent a room for the night – or for an hour or two! – and go to town. But, if not, go to a room that isn’t connected with your stress and daily life, and get busy.

(Just make sure you’re ready for the neighbors to hear – vacation sex is that much better.)

4. Share the fantasies she stars in.

I’m sure you’ve got your fair share of fantasies rolling around in your mind – we all have some that would make us blush if anyone ever heard. But instead of telling your partner what you dream of doing with Ruby Rose or Ellen Page or whatever celebrity you’re crushing on at the moment, make your partner the star of your fantasies – or, at least the ones you share with her.

Was there one particular night you still remember in vivid detail? Talk to her about it, and make it happen again! Sharing the things that got your fire burning can increase the chances of them happening again, and it makes your partner feel good about herself. You’re both winners here.

(If you haven’t had any particularly hot sexcapades yet, make one up – just make sure she’s still the star. Most women don’t want to hear about what you’d do to someone else. Unless I’m wrong and your girlfriend is one of the women who are turned on by that. Make sure you check with her first.)

5. Enjoy a gentle breeze – inside or out.

The feeling of a cool breeze against your naked skin is arguably one of the sexiest feelings in the world – and if your bedroom has a window in it (most do), you’re already halfway there. Open the window and let the risk of being overheard fuel your fire. You can close the curtains, if you’d like, but you want to feel that cool tingle.

If you’re especially brave or adventurous, consider taking your tryst outside. The extra thrill of knowing that you could be caught – even if your back yard is well hidden – can make it extra intense. Your neighbors are definitely going to hear, but that’s okay. Just make sure you wait until after dark.

(And, it probably goes without saying, but public sex is illegal in many places, so please make sure you know what your local regulations are.)

6. Head to the freezer for some intense stimulation.

Did you know that icy cold sensations stimulate the same parts of your nervous system as sexual arousal? It’s no coincidence that your nipples get hard for both – the two are super ingrained. (And, on that subject, have you ever had ice cubes rubbed on your nipples? If you’re even remotely interested in nipple play, I highly recommend you give it a shot.)

Be warned, though – that icy-cold sensation might be a bit too intense for some people, so start by incorporating it into a sensual massage. Rubbing it over the not-explicitly-sensual parts of your partner’s body is a safer bet, and if it interests you, slowly amp up the intensity by moving to even more sensitive areas.

Understand your limits, and your partner’s, and make sure you’re not pushing the ice too far – it can be really, really intense.

7. Act like teenagers. (No, really.)

If you want to bring back that sexy, forbidden feeling you had when you first started exploring your sexuality, you need to act like you did back then. Keep your clothes on, and opt for an innocent-enough make-out session on the couch. Throw in a little bit of indirect stimulation, through the clothes, and all those sexy taboo vibes will come pouring in.

Don’t worry about “messing up” the couch, either – the goal is to keep your clothes on, until you absolutely can’t stand it. Then, you can make a mad dash to the bedroom (or the middle of the floor!) to finish the job. Or, if you’d prefer a little more teasing, try adding in a little bit of fantasy: Pretend that “your parents” will be coming home soon, and forbid each other from going under the clothes.

There’s something extra sexy about “sneaking around,” even when you no longer have to. And besides, dry humping is awesome.

8. Don’t be so weird about lube.

So many people I talk to treat lube like this big, weird deal. They (mistakenly) think that it’s just for older couples, or for gay men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. While older couples and gay men are more likely to use lube, that doesn’t mean it’s for them – a decent lubricant is a good investment for everyone.

Even for people whose bodies naturally produce enough lubrication to get the job done, a little extra can make things even more satisfying. That’s not just my opinion, though – there was actually an in-depth study about the connection between lubricant and sexual satisfaction. This study had over 2,500 female participants, so it’s not some tiny sample size. This is proven scientific fact.

For best results, keep your lube close enough that you don’t have to stop the action to get it. Trust me, if you have to walk across the room to grab the bottle, you’re not going to use it.

9. Skip the regular dirty talk.

Okay, maybe don’t skip it – dirty talk can be pretty awesome, after all – but change your approach. It seems silly, but narrating the things that your partner is doing to you – and adding how it makes you feel – is sexy as hell and will undoubtedly turn you both on a bit more. It helps confirm the things that feel good, and it encourages her to keep doing those things. Everybody wins.

More than just being sexy, though, narrating the things going on in your bed keeps you in the moment. It forces you to focus on what’s going on right this moment, rather than the things you want to happen next. Not that you shouldn’t help lead your partner in the right direction, but talking about what’s going on right now brings an all-new level of focus.

It’s like naked meditation… With a partner.

10. Switch up your routine with some “afterplay.”

We all know that foreplay is great – necessary, even – but did you know that it’s easier to try new things when you’re already in the mood? Afterplay takes the pressure away, because you’ve already “finished.” There’s no need to accomplish anything – no one’s going to be frustrated if they don’t have another orgasm. This is just “extra credit.”

According to sex educator Emily Nagoski, “Because you’re already aroused, you may find that certain moves can feel extra intense.” Your body is already loosened up, so to speak, and all your nerve endings are lit up – meaning that the slightest touch will be magnified a million times.

(Just don’t forget – the afterplay isn’t meant to replace foreplay… It’s just an additional measure to keep things going longer!)

10 Signs Your Girlfriend Is The One

In a world filled with dating game shows, hugely popular love songs, and more romantic comedies than you can shake a stick at, it seems like people love looking for “the one.” Yet, somehow, most people have a hard time figuring out who their “one” really is.

It’s a little sad, actually – whether you believe in the idea of “soul mates” or not, you’ve probably looked for yours. In fact, I think most people who don’t believe in soul mates are just guarding themselves from the possibility that they might not find that person.

This is just my opinion, of course, and I’m the type of person who believes that you can have multiple soul mates, at different points in your lives. What do I know, anyway?

Regardless of how you feel about the search for “the one,” here are 10 surefire signs that you’ve found her. Now, marry that woman (if same-sex marriage is legal in your area and you believe in marriage, of course), pronto!

1. You don’t have to hide who you are.

Sure, a good girlfriend is going to compliment you when you look nice, or when you’ve accomplished something. But “the one” is on another level. She doesn’t care what you look like, or how long it’s been since you’ve showered (but she might give you a gentle reminder if it’s been more than a couple of days). You’re comfortable together, because she loves you through all of your imperfections.

2. You have similar goals.

Do you and your girlfriend have a basic plan for what you want out of life? Most people have at least some idea, at least for the big things. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Do you have compatible political views? These things are so much bigger than where you want to travel or what job you want to have in 10 years.

3. You don’t “fight” – you talk things out.

Technically, talking through things is still fighting, but it’s fighting fair, and that’s what’s important. You take comfort in knowing that you can calmly work through things, and a minor disagreement isn’t going to be the end of the relationship. (Besides, you still get to have the make-up sex anyway.)

4. You feel lucky to have each other.

If you both feel like you’re the luckiest person on the planet, you sort of are. Your partner should totally support, respect, and appreciate you, and you should be able to offer her the same in return. You freely share gratitude towards each other, which makes you feel even luckier. You know that, at the end of the day, you get to come home to your best friend… And that’s something special.

5. You’re both committed to making the relationship work.

You aren’t going to see eye to eye on everything, but “the one” is going to be right there next to you trying to picture things from your perspective. The effort that’s needed to maintain the relationship doesn’t feel so much like “work” as it does like “an investment,” and you know that she’s going to help you get through whatever you’ve got going on.

6. The only thing you need for “a great date” is her.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to a 5-star hotel or a 2-star lesbian bar: Being with her is exciting. And it’s not because she finds all the hidden gems, it’s because she is the hidden gem. You’d be just as happy to sit in your living room floor with a bottle of wine, because her company is the greatest attraction of all.

7. Your friends and family like seeing you together.

Some people have friends and family who are happy when they’re dating anyone – regardless of whether or not the person is good for you. Other friends and family members might automatically hate anyone who takes the attention away from them. But if the people closest to you, whose opinions you trust and value, think she’s good for you… She probably is.

8. Yes, she loves you, but she does so much more than that.

Don’t get me wrong – love is super important. But it’s not the most important thing. When you find a partner who truly respects and supports you, someone who really makes you feel safe and confident, you know she’s something special. She should compliment your life in all the best ways, and thankfully, she does.

9. Your intuition says she’s the one.

If you think she’s the one, there’s probably a good reason for it. Most people are much better judges of character than we’d like to believe (even if we ignore those judgments sometimes). If your heart and your gut say she’s the one, your mind is probably telling you that, too.

10. She brings out the best in you.

It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about pushing you to be the best version of yourself. A good partner will accept you as you are, while a great partner will help remind you of what you can be. But again, it’s not about changing you – it’s about inspiring you to see the person you can become, and motivating you to become that person.

How To Keep Depression From Ruining Your Relationship

Depression can drain your relationship. But it doesn’t have to.

How can you have a healthy, happy relationship even on your darkest days?

Give your partner resources about depression.

When your girlfriend starts to research depression, the first Google search may scare her – she’ll stumble upon stories of artists who killed themselves, families torn apart by suicide, statistics about depression being incurable and a list of horrifying Zoloft side effects.

To keep her from getting, well, depressed, beat her to the punch and give her some resources. I suggest starting with some light materials such as Hyperbole and a Half. This comic does a better job of explaining depression than WebMD does.

Keep a journal.

You don’t have to write, “Dear Diary.” Use this journal as a scientific log to keep track of your moods. What triggers you? What makes you happy? What distracts you from your depression? When does your mood shift suddenly? The better data you take, the better you’ll be able to address and avoid your triggers.

Get professional help.

Medicine isn’t for everyone, but it’s for a lot of people. Depression has been seen as the artists’ disease, but it often stems from a chemical imbalance. Chemical imbalances aren’t as tragically romantic as Pablo Picasso wasting away during his Blue Period or Sylvia Plath sticking her head in an oven, but these imbalances can be managed with antidepressants.

If you’re anti-medicine, look into psychiatric resources in your area. If you’re a student, many of these resources are available on campus for free.

Get busy.

Throw yourself into your work or your studies or your extracurricular activities. Find what you’re passionate about and pursue it headfirst. Learn a language, pick up a sport, become a hip-hop head, start an a capella group. It doesn’t matter what you do, but find something to take your mind off of your depression for a few hours each day.

Hit the gym.

Exercise releases endorphins that elevate your mood and lower your stress levels. Peel your girlfriend off the couch and turn gym time into a daily date. It will put you both in better moods.

Ask your partner to be honest.

Sometimes, depression makes people hypersensitive – one negative remark, and you crumble. So this next step will be hard. However, you need to ask your partner to be gently but brutally honest.

When you’re being a jerk, they should tell you. When you’re being insensitive, or when you’re embarrassing yourself, or when you’re blowing things out of proportion, they should tell you. When they’re exasperated and tired of dealing with your depression, they should tell you. It will be hard for you to hear, but it will help you to know where you should most improve.

Be gentle with yourself.

The road to recovery is long and you’ll want to beat yourself up. Often. But be gentle. Everyone has good days and bad days, and you’re a much better girlfriend than you think.

You are loved. On your darkest days, remember that you are loved.

 

 

10 Of The Biggest Lies People Tell On Their Online Dating Profiles

Most people tell at least a few white lies on their profile. (80%, to be more precise.) Sometimes, people fabricate the entire profile – avoid these people whenever you can. Here are the top 10 lies that plague the online dating world.

How many of these things have you lied about?

They probably don’t make as much money as they say they do.

According to Greg Hodge of beautifulpeople.com, the listed salary on someone’s profile may be inflated by as much as 40%. A study by OKCupid put the number closer to 20%, but that’s still a huge number of people lying about their financial situation. It’s generally considered better to leave this one blank than to lie about it, though – do you really want to be with someone who only wants to be with you if you make 20-40% more money than you actually do?

They probably don’t have the job they said they did, either.

According to the Beautiful People survey, as many as 32% of women lie about what job they hold. (This is less than 42% of men who lie about it, though.) The strangest thing, to me, about this statistic, is that women downplay their job, to keep from intimidating a date with their intelligence. But do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value your intelligence?

They probably aren’t “athletic and toned.”

This is another one of those “mystery lies” – as in, it’s a mystery why anyone would lie about something that’s going to be super obvious once they meet face to face (or when someone flips through their pictures). It’s a safer bet to be honest, and understand that anyone who isn’t actually OK with your body type is a waste of your time anyway.

They lie about their lifestyle.

As many as 16% of people lie about their financial situation, according to the Beautiful People study. 5% lie about how well-traveled they are. 5% lie about what kind of car they drive. Thankfully, these lies generally happen in the long answer section, and they’re easy to pick out. Watch for a lack of “I” statements (i.e. “Love to travel,” as opposed to “I love to travel”) and super-short descriptions. Toma says, “Lying is cognitively taxing” and leaving out the “I” in their sentences helps them to distance themselves from the things they’re lying about.

They’re shorter than they say they are.

As someone who’s always been attracted to shorter women, it baffles me that people would lie about this. In fact, a study by OKCupid says that shorter women are, in general, more likely to get attention, so it’s best to just tell the truth on this one.

They lie about what they’re into.

I know we’ve all seen the “lesbians” on online dating profiles who already have husbands they’re “faithfully devoted to,” but the lies actually go a lot further than that. According to Toma, users take advantage of the ambiguity surrounding their hobbies and interests. If someone says they’re into “sports,” for example, there’s usually no mention of whether they mean playing or watching – or how long ago they last participated in their “hobbies.”

They’re probably heavier than they say they are.

Since our weight tends to change from day to day – and, to be fair, even within the same day – it’s unreasonable to expect someone’s weight to be exactly what their driver’s license or dating profile says. However, most women subtract (an average of) 8.5 pounds, or almost 4 kg, from their weight when making their profiles, according to Catalina Toma, PhD.

They lie about who they know.

If someone is name-dropping a celebrity in their profile, it’s probably a lie. Hodge says, “We’re in a celebrity-driven culture,” so people equate name-dropping with a person’s status. Also watch out for photo-op-shots, because most of the time, it was a one-time thing – a photo of someone standing next to Lady Gaga probably happened at a concert, not at Gaga’s private birthday party.

They may be up to ten years older (or younger!) than their profile says.

According to a study by Beautiful People, about 17% of women lie about their age on their profile. Most women only go 1-2 years in either direction, while others “round down” to the nearest five-year mark. Some women even changed their date of birth by as much as ten years!

They lie about what they look like.

This is usually done through photos, which used to be considered solid facts – until technology took over our world. Now, it’s easy to manipulate a picture so that you’re not even recognizeable. Not to mention, it’s always been easy to just use a “bad photo” (with poor lighting or a low-quality camera), or to simply use an old photo. According to Toma, your profile photos should be no more than a year old, and you should feature one face shot, one body shot, and one shot of you doing something you actually enjoy.

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You’re Too Clingy. Here’s How to Let Go.

You dislike your girlfriend’s friends because they steal her from you. You resent your girlfriend for going to work, and often show up at her lunch break because you can’t stand being apart for more than two hours. You dread any time that she has to leave you to visit her family. Any Saturday night that isn’t spent with your girlfriend is a night wasted.

If any of those scenarios sound familiar, you might be squeezing the air out of your relationship. You need to let go.

Dig deep.

Sometimes clinginess is rooted in relationship problems. Maybe you and your girlfriend have been fighting a lot lately, or maybe she’s been acting distant, or maybe you’ve lost the ability to communicate with each other – so in order to retain some sort of control, you hold her tighter.

Instead of being clingy, think about what the root problem might be, and directly address it.

Find friends.

It’s easy to be clingy when moving to a new city or college. You don’t know anyone, so your girlfriend is your rock. It’s easier to watch Netflix with her than navigate social situations with strangers, but your girlfriend can’t be there for you all of the time. She has friends of her own, and you should too.

Go to meet ups. Join clubs. Grab drinks with co-workers. Make friends on the Internet if you have to.

Check your passive-aggressiveness.

Being clingy doesn’t necessarily mean hanging out with your partner all the time. In fact, your form of clinginess might be avoiding your partner; whenever you feel like she isn’t spending enough time with you, you become distant, withhold affection, hold grudges, and pick fights.

This behavior is destructive. If you truly feel like your girlfriend isn’t spending enough time with you, then talk to her and figure out a way that your interests can merge with hers.

Find out what you care about.

Your girlfriend is the center of your world. But she shouldn’t be. She should be important to you, but you can’t revolve your life around her, so direct your passions toward something more sustainable. If you’re interested in child poverty, volunteer. If you’ve always wanted to code, make a CodeAcademy account. If you want to make more art, buy a notebook.

Treat your mental health problems.

Clinginess may be rooted in mental health problems. For example, depression may cause you to lose interest in everything except your girlfriend, so you’ll cling to her just to stay sane. Maybe you hold her so tightly because you’re anxious that something bad will happen if you look away. If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you may naturally gravitate toward unhealthy relationships and behaviors.

Begin with self-care. If possible, visit a therapist, or at least a trusted friend, to talk through your thoughts.

The road to emotional independence is slippery, and it’s hard to know when your affections are overbearing. But learning to let go is the start to a happy and healthy relationship.

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How to Get Over the Love of Your Life

She’s not quite the one who got away. In fact, you never dated. Still, you’re hooked on her like candy – it’s bad for you, but it’s oh so tempting. You might even be in love.

You know that you need to get over that girl once and for all. So how do you do that?

Keep the photos.

Your first instinct might be to throw away every photo you have of her, wipe your hard drive clean and banish her from your sight. This might sound counterintuitive, but don’t do that.

Healing is a process, and some days you will need to look at photos and rewatch old videos in order to get over her. If you rip the Band-Aid off too quickly, you’ll relapse – then the next time you want to look at photos, you’ll go her Facebook page, and soon you’ll message her, and soon you’ll be crying again.

Process, but don’t over process.

If your friends roll your eyes whenever you bring up that girl, then take the hint that you’ve processed enough.

Instead of casually bringing her up in conversation, schedule an appointment to discuss her with your friends – a predetermined block of time that you can’t exceed. Every time you feel the urge to discuss her, you’ll have to schedule a new appointment. This will discourage you from thinking about her unless you absolutely have to.

Delete her contact info…sort of.

Give her contact information to a trusted friend – a friend who has your best interests at heart, not one who will instigate drama or text that girl behind your back. If you don’t have her contact information, then you can’t drunk dial, drunk text, drunk Snapchat, drunk Tweet or drunk email that girl, but you’ll have peace of mind knowing that her number is on hand if you ever need it again.

Start dating again.

I know you don’t want to, because you think that girl is The One, but you need find new people to obsess over – or to have a healthy romantic relationship with. Get a tinder account, download Her, sign up for Farmers Only, create a JDate, or finally ask out the cute girl in your chem lab. Just get back on the scene.

Forgive yourself.

You’re probably beating yourself up for the 100th time about what you could have done differently. If you’d just done one thing differently, maybe you and that girl would be flying off into the sunset together right now. That’s not true. Let the past go.

You might be beating yourself up because you can’t let it go; you know your crush is irrational, so you hate yourself for being hooked on that girl. Forgive yourself for that too. These type of feelings happen to everyone, and it doesn’t make you crazy or weak – it makes you someone with emotions. You have to accept this before you can move forward.

So get back on the playing field. Delete your wedding Pinterest board and meet some new people. This time tomorrow, you could be sipping wine with your new crush.

6 Ways To Show Someone You REALLY Care

I’ve probably said it a thousand times so far in my life, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more before the fad dies out: I love social media. It offers you a simple, efficient way to keep in touch with the people you care about, without having to leave the house and do the whole people-ing thing. Since I now live at least a 3-hour drive away from almost everyone who means anything to me, social media offers me a way to be there without being there.

But, for all the wonderful things social media does for us, it can’t do everything. As it stands, the technology just isn’t there to replicate real human behavior. After all, most people’s social media posts are carefully screened before posting, to provide exactly the sort of image they want to provide to onlookers. We notice these differences when they’re people we see all the time, but for some reason, we forget when it’s people we don’t see often.

The old-school-rules for social interaction still apply, and the best way to show someone you’re there for them is still actually being there for them. If you want to make sure social media isn’t the full extent of your social behavior, here are 6 ways you can show someone you actually care about them. (But you should still probably like that selfie anyway… Just in case.)

1. Surprise your friends and loved ones with a visit.

All too often, we get so wrapped up in our day-to-day lives that we forget to make time for the people we care the most about. (I’m really, really bad about this… My girlfriend threatens to hide my laptop when we travel.) Of course, social media isn’t the only factor involved here, but checking in with your friends and family on Facebook or Instagram might give you a false sense of closeness. Remember: The virtual world isn’t “really there.”

Showing up to see someone, however, shows that you actually do care – enough to take time out of your busy (or antisocial) schedule and drop by. While your friend who works from home might not like the “surprise” part of this (we freelancers really are a fickle bunch), but if your loved ones have a consistent schedule and you can swing by for a few minutes, I’m sure it’ll make their day. (Assuming, of course, that they consider you a loved one, too.)

2. Call instead of texting.

As easy as texting is (and as much as the radiation from cell phones is probably bad for you), calling is still a lot more intimate than texting. Think about it: How many times have you texted “lol” with a totally straight face? It’s not like that on the phone. We’re more likely to actually laugh when we hear someone else’s voice. I think it’s something about internal monologues (aka that voice in your head that reads things for you) versus actual dialogue… But I’m not a scientist.

This is definitely something some people are better at than others. My girlfriend can have a totally succinct, totally meaningful phone conversation every single day. I, on the other hand, need at least 3 days’ notice before I use an automated phone system, and even longer if I actually need to talk to a person. Still, even those of us who “hate talking on the phone” generally feel happy when we hear the voice of someone we care about. (Even if it’s in a message on our voicemail.)

3. Kidnap them.

I’m not talking about something super creepy where you throw them in the trunk and feed them bits of bread and water for days. No, I’m talking about kidnapping your friends for an impromptu road trip. There’s something confusingly magical about being stuck in a cramped space with people who mean a lot to you… It should be totally horrible, but for some strange reason, it’s not.

Anyone can send a card or a letter, or buy an awesome birthday present that we happened to get for an incredible bargain. But how many times in your life have you taken an unforgettable adventure? Now, when’s the last time you did it with your squad? If you can’t remember, you’re probably overdue.

4. Give them your attention.

We’ve become a society fixated on getting more done in less time. I’m definitely guilty of this one, as a look into my planner will soon show you. But, realistically, multi-tasking is a total waste of time, because you’re splitting your already-limited attention in multiple directions. It’s taken me a long time to break this habit, but trust me on this one: Multi-tasking is a lie. When you try to multi-task, you’re really not even single-tasking. You’re half-tasking, at best.

When you’re spending time with people, it’s the same thing. Put the smartphone away and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Angry Birds and Instagram can definitely wait until you’re not doing anything else. Your friends are here now, and who knows when you’re going to see them next?

5. Tell them you love them.

When’s the last time you said “I love you” to someone other than your significant other? Most likely, it’s been far too long, and it was brought on by a rough time – either yours, that they helped you through, or theirs, that you helped them through. It’s sort of messed up, if you think about it – somewhere along the way, we’re conditioned to think that romantic love is the only love that matters.

It’s always been really hard for me to tell people I loved them, whether they were people in my family, my friend circle, or even the people sharing my bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the love – it was because I was taught that infinite love is weak. It’s not weak. In fact, loving yourself and others is one of the strongest things you can do. (And, if you’re feeling it, you should say it, just to make sure they know.)

6. Be their offline support system.

A supportive Facebook post or Instagram hashtag can be a nice way to acknowledge that you’ve noticed your friend going through a rough time. Sometimes, you really just need someone to show up and give you a hug. If you’re close enough to be a physical presence in someone’s life, and you know they’re going through a rough time (or even just suspect it), you should be willing to go see them and show them how much you really care.

It can be really awkward to be around someone who’s going through something rough, and that might make you want to shy away from the idea. But that’s exactly why it means so much when someone comes to cheer you up when you’re down. The willingness to just be in the presence of one another leads to the greatest feelings of love that friends can share – and is your schedule really so full that you can’t make your friends feel loved?

9 Everyday Habits That Will Kill Your Sex Life

Quick question: How much do you know about your sexual health? If you’re like most people, the subject of your sexual health pretty much starts and ends with STDs (and possibly pregnancy prevention, if you ever engage in cishetero sex). Realistically, though, your sexual health is deeply tied to the rest of your health, too – it’s unlikely that you’ll have a healthy sex life if you don’t live a healthy life overall. (Don’t just take my word for it, either – clinical sexologist Eric Garrison, MSc, has been a human sexuality expert since 1994, and he says that our sexual health is “linked intrinsically to our general health.”)

Of course, you don’t need to be a marathon runner, a yoga instructor, or a devout vegan to have a good sex life. (But it definitely doesn’t hurt.)

If you want to start making some small changes that will lead to a better sex life, try cutting back (or cutting out entirely) the following 9 habits. Then, let us know in the comments whether our tricks worked for you or not!

1. Your bedroom isn’t sexy.

I’m sure you’ve heard that your bedroom needs to help you feel calm, relaxed, and sleepy to fall asleep – and a similar idea is true for your sex life. If your bedroom is full of things that take you out of the mood, you’re not going to have a satisfying sexual experience. Your goal is to create a stimulating sexual environment – not one that’s full of distractions.

Clutter, pictures of people you’re not sexually attracted to (i.e. your mother, the leader of your nation, your little brother), and other distractions have a negative effect on your sexual desire and satisfaction. Additionally, doing work in your bedroom – even if not during sexy time – can trick your brain into thinking you don’t need to be sexy in there. But you totally should.

Quick, easy solution: Clean your damn room and make sure that you have a separate space for stressful activities. It seems like such a small change, but it really makes a difference. (And this is coming from someone who spent 6 months writing articles on my side of the bed, before I got my own office. Trust me. It makes a huge difference.)

2. You’re not in good shape.

Aerobic activity increases your stamina and your heart rate, both of which are essential for sexual satisfaction. Increased blood flow will make your heart healthier and increase the blood flow to your genitals, which increases your responsiveness to sexual activity. Not to mention, if you’re not satisfied with your appearance, you’re going to be self-conscious during your sexcapades, and that’s definitely not a sexy feeling. Aerobic activity helps you reach (or maintain) a healthy weight, and it makes you feel better about yourself.

Stretching activities, on the other hand, give you a leg-up (pun definitely intended) by helping increase your flexibility. If you’ve never had stretchy, flexible sex, you don’t even know what you’re missing out on. Plus, it’s a good idea to stretch before sex, anyway, because you can actually get seriously hurt if you try to get too kinky without warming your muscles up ahead of time. A few minutes of yoga and a good sensual massage can do wonders.

Quick, easy solution: Exercise more! Even a small increase every day, such as a ten-minute jog, a twenty-minute walk, or a five-minute stretch, will increase your sexual responsiveness and satisfaction. Just be sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard – it’s hard to get off when you’re exhausted.

3. You’re not getting enough sleep.

In the past few years, I’ve seen a huge surge in the amount of productivity tips out there. Maybe it’s because I never really cared before I started working from home, or maybe it’s because millennials are trying like hell to break out of the feelings of entitlement our parents placed on us. No matter what it is, one thing’s for sure: Most people aren’t getting enough sleep. In fact, the CDC says that sleep deprivation is a public health epidemic, with up to 70 million Americans suffering from chronic sleep problems. Yikes!

A lack of good sleep, no matter what the cause, can lead to a whole host of other health problems. It increases your stress and fatigue levels, and puts you at a higher risk for certain illnesses. It also decreases your libido and makes it harder to get in the mood in the first place – let alone stay in the mood long enough to have an orgasm.

Quick, easy solution: Make sure your bedroom is set up right for good sleep (and good sex), and make sure you’re leaving work at work. Having solid barriers between your personal and work lives helps to maintain work-life balance, and allows you to focus more of your attention on the task at hand – whether it’s your partner or your pillow.

4. You eat gassy foods.

It’s not fun to talk about gas and bloating when you’re trying to feel sexy, but in many ways, that’s exactly why you need to think about it then. There isn’t any scientific evidence that broccoli, beans, or other bloat-inducing foods are actually to blame for your lack of sex drive, but let’s think about it: How can you enjoy anything if you’re worried about gas… Especially if your partner has her hands or face right in the “blast zone?”

Okay, all jokes aside, being bloated isn’t fun or sexy, and it has the potential to be downright embarrassing – for both of you. Thankfully, you don’t have to let your diet dictate your sex life – just let your sex life dictate your diet. If that seems ridiculously simple, it’s because it is. Just avoid the unsexy foods (such as the ones that give you gas or bad breath) if you want to have sex. Simple.

Quick, easy solution: Relegate your “unsexy food days” to the days when you already won’t be having sex. Why risk the embarrassment when it’s literally that easy to prevent it?

5. You’re on medication.

Here’s one of the obvious ways that your sexual health ties into your general health: The medications you’re taking. Certain medications may cause a drop in libido, or other problems that make sexual activity a bit more difficult. In fact, an estimated 70% of inorgasmia (or the inability to have an orgasm) is caused by medications. However, current testing standards don’t require that drug manufacturers list the sexual side effects of their products, or even that they check for sexual side effects… So many companies don’t.

Antidepressants, especially those which contain SSIs (or selective serotonin inhibitors), are well-known for their connection with decreased sexual desire, but they’re not the only ones that can cause problems. For example, did you know that your vagina produces mucus, and any medicines that are designed to dry up the sniffles are also going to dry you up down there? If you’re noticing these types of reactions, you might need to change the medication you’re on.

Quick, easy solution: Talk to your doctor about any side effects you notice, even if you think they’re irrelevant. They’re probably not. There may be other treatment options that don’t destroy your sex life, and your doctor may be able to prescribe one of these other options. Just make sure that you’re not stopping your medication without speaking to your doctor first – withdrawal can affect your sex life, too.

6. You’re malnourished.

When we think of nutrition and nourishment, we usually think about whether we’re eating enough, too much, or just the right amount. But, believe it or not, what you eat is just as important, if not more important, than how frequently or how much you eat. Foods high in zinc and B-vitamins can increase your sexual wellness and make the overall experience more enjoyable (aside from their other health benefits).

Which foods should you eat more of? Healthy meats, such as salmon, chicken, or tuna, are all high in B-vitamins. These vitamins help with energy production and blood flow. Not only does this help your heart, your brain, and your sustainable energy levels, but that increased blood flow is going to help, no matter how you get it. (And besides – it’s totally an excuse to eat more sushi, and I for one am 100% okay with that.)

Quick, easy solution: If you’re not able to change the way you eat, for whatever reason, a multivitamin that contains B-vitamins may be a good place to start. Just keep in mind that your body can’t absorb nutrients from vitamins as easily as it can from your food, so whenever possible, it’s better to let them enter your body naturally.

7. You smoke cigarettes.

If you’re a cigarette smoker, you probably already know all about how bad it is for you – but you might not have made the connection with your sex life. Nicotine messes with your blood flow, which isn’t just bad for your heart – it’s bad for your sexual organs, too. Quitting smoking can be really hard, but it’s definitely worth it if you want to fix your health issues. Really… A lot of health issues come either directly or indirectly from cigarette smoking (plus that ashtray smell is really only sexy when you’re drunk at the bar).

Although it’ll take some time for your blood flow to regulate as well as it did before you started smoking, the sooner you quit, the better you’ll be. The same is true for the rest of the health problems caused by smoking, and within 20 years your body will be completely free of all the negative effects that the smoking caused. Of course, that’s a long time to wait for things to go back to normal, but at least there’s hope that you can go back to normal.

Quick, easy solution: If possible, quit smoking completely, as soon as you’re able to. If it’s not possible to quit “cold turkey”, try keeping track of how many cigarettes you have each day, and try to get that number a little lower every day, until you’re down to zero. This progressive-quit strategy works well for some people, while others are better off going all-in, so make sure you’re comfortable with the changes you’ve made.

8. You drink too much.

Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism is a real problem, and especially for those whose primary social gathering spots happen to be at a bar (such as most local LGBT communities). I’m not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, but chronic alcoholism can cause long-term damage to your sexual performance, even for years after you sober up. It’s sad and just a little scary, but the numerous other health concerns that go along with chronic alcoholism make it worth quitting, even if you don’t get your sex life back.

It’s not just long-term drinkers that have an issue, either. In fact, once your BAC goes over 0.1, your sexual responsiveness goes way down. It’s almost cruel, though, because a BAC of 0.03-0.1 can actually increase your libido and sexual desire, as well as lowering your sexual inhibitions enough to try something new. This level corresponds with 1-3 glasses of wine within an hour, or the equivalent amount of alcohol within that time period.

Quick, easy solution: Try to stop yourself when you’re feeling buzzed, but not smashed. If you find it hard to know (and respect) your limits, you may need to speak with your doctor about an alcohol treatment program that works for you. Just remember: This is about so much more than just your sex life.

9. You don’t touch yourself.

Masturbating isn’t just for teenagers, no matter what silly things you may have heard. Self-love is an integral part of your sexual health and satisfaction. In fact, it’s one of the most prescribed treatments for sexual disorders, as it lets the person discover themselves in a no-pressure environment, without the fear of judgment.

Self-pleasure helps you become more comfortable with the things that turn you on, which can make it easier to discuss them with your partner. It may even help with your sexual desire, according to research, because it’s easier to get yourself warmed up than it is to tell your partner how to do it. (Of course, the goal is that your partner will know, but you’ve got to be comfortable talking about it first.)

Quick, easy solution: Try to bring in mutual masturbation as a foreplay activity, or even the main event in your sex life occasionally. Giving your partner the chance to see exactly what gets your motor running will let her know exactly what she needs to do to make it happen again. (And besides, it’s really sexy to watch your girlfriend pleasure herself in front of you, trust me.)

Seven Perfect Ways to Propose

It’s almost the holiday season, and love is in the air!

You’ve been dating your girlfriend for a while, and you’re absolutely sure that she’s the one. All that’s left is to pop the question.

Treasure Hunt

Take her to the spot where you first met, and guide her step by step on a treasure hunt for items based on your memories together. For example, bury a copy of the first letter you ever left on her doorstep, or hide a box of your favorite photographs.

For the last step of the treasure hunt, lead her somewhere where all of your friends and family are waiting. Then get down on one knee.

Surprise Proposal – Lesbian

Musical Number

Using her favorite song, a song that has a lot of significance to your relationship, or an original composition, create a musical slideshow of photographs.

In the final photo, ask her to be your wife.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFKx2It3gFw

Best same sex proposal !!! (warning will make you cry)

Graduation Day

Graduation isn’t just about finishing college, it’s also about starting a new life, and graduation proposals are becoming increasingly popular. With the permission from the party organizers, plan a graduation party proposal that your girlfriend will remember – present her with a ring as her friends and family members cheer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP_JDU2Wm08

Commencement and emotional (Lesbian) Proposal 2015

Love Languages

Compose a song, poem or story for your girlfriend, incorporating inside jokes or words that only you two understand. Similarly, if you’ve traveled the world together or if you each come from different cultures, incorporate words, phrases and idioms from different languages. After all, is one language really enough to express how much you love her?

Lesbians Travel World: The Big Marriage Proposal in the Philippines

High on Love

Push her out of a plane. Not maliciously – do it during a skydiving trip. While you’re both twirling through the clouds, your friends will write “Will you marry me?” on the ground in large cutout letters so that your girlfriend can read it from the sky. When she lands, the question will knock her off her feet again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVoPrcalH40

Lesbian Marriage Proposal – Andie & Lucy 10-18-14

Rose Ceremony

Different colors of the same flower have different meanings. For example, pink roses mean gratitude while lavender roses signify enchantment.

Arrange an intimate rose ceremony with your closest friends and family. Each guest will read the meaning of the flower – “A pink rose for the gratitude your girlfriend feels for having you in her life” – and then hand it to your girlfriend. At the end of the ceremony, she’ll have a bouquet of roses, a heart full of love and a girlfriend who’s dropping down to one knee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYOOvhpnACg

Kisha’s Surprise Proposal (The Lesbian Edition)

BONUS: The couple in this video isn’t lesbian, but it’s still a wonderful idea.

If your girlfriend is a Disney enthusiast or a musical theatre nerd, enlist her friends to dress up as her favorite characters and sing. How can your girlfriend say no to a soulful rendition of “Kiss the Girl”?

A Disney Surprise Proposal (Stephanie and Casey)

 

Why Do Black Lesbians Keep Quiet About Domestic Violence?

According to The Advocate, 35.4% of women living with a same-sex partner have experienced domestic abuse or Inter-Personal Violence (IPV), but many black women are often so intimidated by political, cultural and racial factors that they don’t feel safe reporting their abuse.

What are these factors, and how can anti-domestic violence coalitions account for them?

Police have a history of murdering black women.

Sandra Bland. Rekia Boyd. Korryn Gaines. Yvette Smith. Tanisha Anderson. The list of black women killed by the police grows longer every day – and many victims were not committing crimes at the time of their murder. Rekia Boyd was standing next to a man holding a cell phone; police assumed the cell phone was a gun, shot at the man, and accidentally killed her instead.

For that reason, black women are hesitant to call the police on an abusive partner. Police could kill the partner – or even the woman who made the call.

Furthermore, just because a woman calls the police doesn’t mean the police will believe her. Police often don’t take same-sex cases IPV seriously. How can a woman hurt another woman?

The church teaches that homosexuality is an abomination.

Many black queer women raised in church have been told, at some point in their lives, that homosexuals will burn in hell.

When a religious woman comes out of the closet, she loses the support of her church and her internalized homophobia intensifies. If she becomes a victim of domestic violence, she may believe that it’s her punishment for being homosexual. If she were straight, after all, her girlfriend would not be abusing her.

Black women don’t want to fuel racism.

Black people are stigmatized as being lazy, poor, unintelligent, violent and criminal. Many black women believe that if they report domestic violence, they will prove these stereotypes true.

The white gaze is strong and judgmental. Black people don’t have the luxury of being an individual – one misstep allows white people to judge their entire community. That’s why black communities are notoriously private about HIV, AIDs, domestic violence, and mental illness; they’re private not to avoid fixing these problems, but to avoid facing constant judgment.

Black women need a safe space.

For black Americans, racism is a daily struggle. They’re stopped and frisked while walking in their own neighborhoods. They’re glared at or ignored by taxi drivers, store clerks and waitresses. They can be followed around a store, even if they have a six-figure salary and a white teenager is shoplifting one aisle over. They open their newsfeed to read the names of three more black people killed by the police. They deposit their checks, aware of the fact that they make 25% less than a white man doing the same job.

For black women, home is the safe space. It’s one of few places where they can be themselves separate from the pressures of the outside world.

If a queer black woman reports domestic violence, then she will lose that safe space – evenings will be spent filling out police reports, trying to convince people to believe her story, sleeping on friends’ couches, and possibly being separated from her children. Not to mention, if an abused woman has no choice but to move back in with her girlfriend afterward, then the abuse might be even worse than it was before since the abuser knows she can get away with it.

Instead, it’s easier for a black woman to keep her head down and hope for her evenings to pass uneventfully. Under the current system, it’s easier to deal with a black eye than it is to upend her entire life.

With these factors in mind, anti-IPV organizations need to make resources easily accessible to LGBT victims of color. Black women need to know that they can report violence without police intervention, they need to be able to access counselling, they need to be able to work with advocates of color to avoid racism and stigma, and they need to know that they have a safe space with these organizations.

For more information, visit Gay Star News.

9 Things That Make A Relationship ‘Healthy’

We talk a lot about how to have a healthy relationship here – but have you ever wished you had a handy checklist to see if your relationship passes the test? Even the most confident among us wouldn’t mind a reminder from time to time, and evaluating where you stand helps give you a roadmap to where you want to stand. This reflection also prompts you to celebrate and show gratitude for the things you’ve already got going for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s an important step in understanding your own personal truths.

We’ve gathered up 9 qualifiers for a “healthy relationship,” in no particular order. How many are already present in your life – and how many do you still need to work on?

1. You communicate purposefully.

It’s not about “letting thing slip out” versus keeping them to yourself – it’s about making a conscious effort to talk about what’s right and what’s wrong, in your relationships as well as your life as a whole. Your partner is there to support you through the good and the bad, so make sure you’re opening up to her. You make sure your words are supported by your body language, too, because you know that’s just as important.

Purposeful communication means that you aren’t shying away from the awkward or uncomfortable subjects. You’re talking about your relationship from the standpoint of trying to save it – so you’re going to talk about the things that need to change, and the things that need to stay exactly the same. Of course, you take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but you know that doesn’t mean denying your own.

But you’re communication isn’t all negative – it’s also heavy on the (sincere) compliments. Remember that we all need little reminders that things are OK, and your partner is no different. When she looks or smells nice, you tell her. When she’s opened your eyes to a situation you hadn’t considered, you thank her. When she doubts herself, you remind her how amazing she is. You make an effort to let her know that she is appreciated and loved, because she is.

2. Trust is implied.

You don’t feel the need to “ask for permission” before doing things – but you still check with her first. You trust each other’s discretion, and if something needs a quick answer, you’re both confident that your partner would make the same choice you’d make. If something needs clarification, you’re going to ask, because you know the answer is going to be the truth.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all – it’s a twisted manipulative game between two (or more) people. If the person you’re with doesn’t trust you, she’ll never be able to trust her own thoughts about you – regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. In fact, whether the mistrust is “insecurity” or “intuition” is really irrelevant. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you.

It’s important to explore those feelings of mistrust, but not as they pertain to your partner – rather, you should explore how they pertain to you. Does the mistrust come from something someone else did to you? Does it come from something you haven’t forgiven your partner for yet? Does it come from somewhere else entirely? Evaluate your feelings first, and then figure out how they fit into your relationship.

3. You have a selective-honesty policy.

Obviously, healthy relationships require honesty and trust – but that doesn’t mean that they need absolute honesty at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s better if you use a little honest discretion. That doesn’t mean covering your own tracks, but it does mean that you take the time to filter the information to keep your partner’s feelings intact. Does she really need to know that you can’t stand her mother, or can you suck it up for her happiness?

So, which topics do deserve full disclosure? Your own personal boundaries are going to come into play, but at a minimum, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, as well as your (romantic or sexual) feelings for others, unless she has specifically asked you not to. If you share financial responsibilities, you’ll need to be totally honest with that info, too. (Even if you don’t share finances, I recommend about 75% honesty – your partner may be willing and able to help you in certain situations.)

Everyone tells little white lies, though, so would it kill you to tell her she looks gorgeous when she has the flu? Probably not. She might not believe you, but it’ll probably make her smile (at least on the inside). And if you think her sister is annoying, definitely don’t be the one to bring it up. You never know what effects your words might have.

4. You have total respect for one another.

Respect is one of the bare minimums for a healthy relationship – whether romantic or not. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it’s almost impossible to do that with someone you don’t respect. If you can’t muster up the minimum of respect for your partner – or if she can’t show respect toward you – you need to move on before things get seriously ugly.

Respect for another person doesn’t always mean that you agree with everything they do and say. In fact, most people you respect will have ways that they disappoint you. But respect is the difference between embracing that difference of opinions, as opposed to blowing up and causing a scene. A relationship that’s lacking in respect is simply an “arrangement.”

Respecting your partner also entails appreciation, and you respect her by acknowledging the things she does for you (without making a big scene if she forgets to say “thank you” every now and then). We all have off-days, but rest assured that one bad mood doesn’t mean she’s suddenly lost her respect for you.

5. You generally make each other happy.

Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t be an emotional roller coaster. The trust and respect you have for each other should make you happy, at least most of the time. You’re going to have your bad days, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make you sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

What ratio of “good vs. bad” is right for you? Well, there’s no precise answer here. Relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and only you can decide how much of each you can handle. But a relationship that makes you sad, uncomfortable, or angry more often than it makes you happy is bad news.

You’re allowed to be annoyed with each other. It’s inevitable, actually, especially if you decide to live together. That doesn’t mean that your happiness is over – as long as you’re willing to talk through it and get back on the right path.

6. You have days where you can’t stand each other.

Every now and then, those rough days are going to be extra rough – especially if you’re cramped in the same small room for most of your free time. It’s completely normal to have days where you just want to be alone, and space doesn’t necessarily mean a break-up is on the horizon.

These rough patches may stretch on for days, weeks, or even months. They don’t happen all the time, though, and even if you mentally make a pros-and-cons list, you don’t want to leave long-term. Maybe for a day or two, but only so you can get your head on straight and work through the problems.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is give each other some space. There’s a romanticized idea about living your life together and not needing anyone else, but that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, people get on each other’s nerves – even if they’re completely in love with each other.

7. You’re comfortable doing your own thing.

While there are some people (ahem: film directors) who think that instant, immersive love is the most romantic kind… It’s not the most sustainable kind. Once you get past those initial butterflies and the corresponding lust, you’re going to mellow out and go back to doing your own thing. You have your own friends, and your own hobbies – you’re not attached at the hip.

One of the most important things about having a healthy relationship is that the rest of your relationships need to be healthy, too. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stress-inducing to spend time away from each other. In fact, it should be uncomfortable if you don’t spend time away from each other sometimes. (And, if it’s not uncomfortable to you, it’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable for your partner.)

It’s so important to remember your individuality when you’re in a relationship. You’re not suddenly a half a person, just because you have a girlfriend. You’re the same whole person you were when you didn’t have her – but now you have someone to come home and tell your stories to. If you never do your own thing, you’ll never have your own stories.

8. You don’t shy away from confrontation.

Although fights can be uncomfortable, they show that you are passionate and invested when it comes to the relationship. You’re not going to let your partner walk all over you. That doesn’t mean you’re nagging about every little thing – it just means that you’re ready to stick up for yourself, and for your own happiness.

Aside from giving you an outlet to vent your frustrations, confronting a problem is the first step in fixing it – and when things have been bothering you for a while, you’ll wish you talked them out before you started to boil. Talking through the tough issues is one of the easiest ways to get around a problem.

Now, what happens if all you do is fight and argue? Of course, that’s not a good sign either, and if you feel like you’re fighting more than you can handle, you’re allowed to say so. Even the strongest love in the world isn’t worth the pain and agony of constant bickering.

9. You have boundaries, and you enforce them.

“We culture” is highly romanticized – but it’s important to remember that romanticized things are rarely actually romantic. That’s definitely true of giving up your autonomy, too. You are allowed (and encouraged) to set your own boundaries, and to regularly define them with your partner. It’s not healthy to put all of yourself into a relationship, and letting your partner know the things you won’t stand for gets rid of any confusion from the start.

Your boundaries might seem unloving, uncaring, or unsympathetic, but sometimes (read: “usually”) it’s important to think of yourself first. We’re a culture that’s been conditioned to think that other people’s opinions of us are the most important thing, but they’re not. We are our own “most important thing,” and the things that other people say don’t have to be a factor at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust or respect her. It just means that you respect and love yourself enough to know what you can’t handle, versus what you can – and you’re brave enough to draw that line in the sand. Now stick to it!

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3 Secrets About Attraction

Love and attraction might just be the most complex of all human emotions. It’s hard enough to understand your own attractions, but once you start trying to analyze other people’s… All bets are off. There are so many different opinions on the subject, just an hour of advice-article-searching can turn up dozens of tips. Do you play hard-to-get? Do you lay it all out on the table? Who has time to keep it all straight?

Well, scientists, apparently.

Turns out there have been studies done to help understand the rules of attraction a little better. While there are still a lot of mysteries to dig through, one thing’s for sure: Attraction is definitely a science and not an art.

Secret #1: Premarital sex is in our nature.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about just the LGBT community… I’m talking about humans as a species. A total of 34,909 American women (and 4,298 men) were polled through the National Survey of Family Growth, or NSFG. This survey asks questions about contraceptive, marital, childbearing, and sexual behaviors, and while it doesn’t explicitly ask about premarital sex, individual survey responses can be used to determine whether the person had premarital sex or not.

In a previous version of the study’s analysis had indicated that 85% of married, divorced, and widowed American women had sex before they were first married. After the 2002 results were added, Dr. Lawrence B. Finer, PhD, decided to analyze whether never-married women were just as likely to have premarital sex, and he found that they definitely were.

To read more about this study, check out the synopsis here.

Secret #2: Physical attractiveness is distracting.

I know, I know: We all knew this already. But did you know it’s actually been proven? In a study published in January 2016, scientists decided to have participants try a mentally-challenging task. The subjects were told to ignore the unrelated faces they were shown – but when an “attractive face” appeared, the participants weren’t able to focus on the task they were given.

The specifics of attraction are bound to vary from one person to the next, but their physical appearance is the thing that catches our eyes. From this information, the scientists gathered a selection of images. Half of the photos were digitally manipulated to be more conventionally attractive, while the other half was manipulated to be less attractive. They even analyzed eye tracking to see if the participants were looking at the parts of the photographs that had been retouched – and, in many cases, they were.

Although the study used all heterosexual-identified female participants, it’s still interesting to see how this information translates in the context of their experiment. If you’d like to read more about this particular study, check it out here.

Secret #3: Your voice changes when you talk to someone you find attractive.

Aside from the physical, many people are attracted to the sound of someone’s voice, and your voice will go lower when you’re talking to that person. (Interestingly enough, when you talk about something you’re excited about, your voice goes up – it’d be interesting to see how those details balance out when you talk to your crush about your hobbies…)

OK, so the voice change that happens when you talk to someone is basically common knowledge. Anyone who’s spent any time watching their friends flirt could probably figure this one out on their own, right? But, according to a November 2014 study, that new, lower-pitched voice is perceived as more attractive than the non-altered voice, consistently, by an unrelated third party.

The entire study is pretty interesting, actually, especially if you’re interested in the science of sound (I am). If you don’t feel like reading the summary, just know: Other people can tell when you use your “sexy voice,” and it’s probably working, too.

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18 ‘Subtle’ Ways She Tells You She’s Queer (Video)

What do you do if you are at a party and there is this woman you are really attracted to. You find her drop dead gorgeous, and you’re probably wondering if you have a shot. But how do you let her know you’re queer?

While the best way is to probably be direct, you sometimes just need to drop a subtle hint or too.

12 Signs That Your Relationship is Perfect the Way It Is

Have you been having doubts about how good your relationship really is? It might seem like you’re near the end of your rope, but in most cases, it’s normal to have some doubts. Why do you think so many people get “cold feet” on their wedding days? Humans are full of anxiety and FOMO and self-doubt. It sucks, but it’s in our nature.

If you want to see if your doubts are really something to be concerned about, read through our list of 12 good signs in your relationship. As long as your relationship has most of these things, you’re probably not so bad for each other.

You feel like you deserve each other.

You are worthy of everything you agree to – whether that’s good or bad. If you feel like you and your partner deserve to be in each other’s lives, chances are good that you do (in one way or another). That’s not necessarily a good thing, but when it goes hand-in-hand with other, more wonderful-on-their-own things, it’s an incredible feeling.

This one can be really hard for people who have been treated less-than-human by previous partners, but it’s true: You deserve the love, romance, and sex that you want in life. Even if you’ve never had it before. Even if you’ve had it in every relationship you’ve had. No matter what, you deserve to have the things you want.

If you don’t feel like you deserve each other, things might be a little more complicated. Doubts are self-fulfilling prophecies, if left alone, but confidence can be, too. Make sure you’re putting the right positive attention into your relationship, and don’t worry about whether other people think you’re good enough for each other.

Life, in general, is good.

We tend to overlook the ways that the areas of our lives intersect, but for some reason, when you’re happier in one area of your life, you’re happier in the other areas of your life, too. Practicing gratitude and showing appreciation for the things that others do for you can help. The happiest people are also able to give to others, without expecting anything in return.

When you’re happy with the rest of your life, you can really see whether your partner complements that happy life or not. After all, if your entire life is a mystery or a disaster, how do you know if your partner is still going to be right for you once you get your life together?

All too often, people think that an amazing relationship can fix a sad life. It can’t. In fact, negative thinking has a way of working its way into seemingly unrelated areas of our lives. First, worry about your own happiness and positivity – and then figure out how someone else fits into the equation.

You are equal partners.

Equality is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy relationship, and couples who don’t treat each other like teammates aren’t setting themselves up for happiness. Unequal relationships result in resentment, romantic friction, and hurt feelings all around. The happiest couples are the ones who learn how to share responsibility, love, and effort equally.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is split 50-50, though – even though it might sound like it is. Everyone has a particular dynamic that works better for them. In my relationship, I work more and my partner cleans more, and that works for us – but you’ll need to find an arrangement that works for you.

Being equal partners means respecting each other’s opinions, even when they don’t make sense to you. What would you want her to do if the situation was reversed? She’s not your child, and she’s not your parent. She’s your partner. Your teammate. Your lover. Treat her accordingly!

You learn new things together on a regular basis.

Curiosity is one of the purest joys in life, and the ability to take in new information is coded into our pleasure center. (Probably. I’ve never actually seen a study about this, but I know I feel happy when I learn something new.) It sounds cheesy, but knowledge really is power, and people with a love for learning are naturally happier.

But what if you don’t have a passion for learning new things? The idea of taking a class “for fun” doesn’t really sound appealing to most of us. Rest assured, though, your “learning” doesn’t have to be anything formal – even a weekly YouTube tutorial counts as “learning.” And, if you’re doing it with someone you love, it kinda feels more like a date, doesn’t it?

Learning something that you’re really interested in, and learning it with someone you’re really interested in, gives you an excuse to practice and study – and it helps you retain the information better, because you’re more engaged. Why not take a leap and try learning something new?

You take your health (and hers) seriously.

Your health is super important, but most of us don’t give it the attention it deserves. Healthy food isn’t that good, and good food isn’t that healthy, am I right? Of course, health is about more than what you eat – working out (which is a drag for many people – myself included), your sexual health, and your mental health are all super important, too.

No matter where you’re at in your personal health journey, you owe it to yourselves to talk about your goals with each other. It helps give you someone to stay accountable to, no matter how uncomfortable that accountability might be for you. It gives you someone to cheer you on when things get rough, and it gives you someone to reach for your goals right with you (if your goals are similar, that is.)

You don’t need to be marathon runners or professional athletes. You don’t need to become psychological professionals. You don’t need your own personal nutritionist or a personal trainer or even a scale, if you don’t want. Just set some achievable goals, and work together to make them happen.

You both strive to be the best versions of yourself.

I firmly believe that we’re all good people, somewhere on the inside. We all want to be good people, and we’ll generally do whatever we can to be that person. We’re human, though, so we screw it up sometimes.

That doesn’t mean we stop trying, though – healthy relationships mean that we own up to our mistakes and work toward improving things. You and your partner should understand the idea of forgiveness, and understand the difference between “a mistake” and a “bad habit.”

This desire to better yourself shouldn’t stop with just your relationship, though – life requires constant change, and if you’re not trying to be a better person, you’re settling for less than you deserve. The happiest partners don’t neglect the other areas in their lives – they just motivate each other to be the most balanced, amazing people they can possibly be.

She’s not your sun and sky.

Most romantic movies shove the idea of “immersive love” down our throats. Real love doesn’t work like that, though – once the initial infatuation falls away, it becomes clear that she’s really not everything. You did fine before her, and you will go on without her if you need to. She should complement your life, not complete it.

It’s unhealthy to invest everything you have into a single thing, whether that’s a person, a job, or even a passion you have. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and tomorrow isn’t promised – but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the time you do have. Happy couples aren’t fixated on “quality time” or “future plans,” as important as those things are, because they know that the little things are sometimes secretly the big things.

On the rough days, it might seem like she’s your whole world. But once the good times come back around (and they will), you’ll remember that you are your own world – she just happens to make it a little better.

You find each other attractive.

It might seem really, really shallow, but you need to find your partner attractive. Trust me. It makes a difference. It definitely shouldn’t be the only reason you’re together, but if you don’t think she looks good, the rest of the things that go along with a happy relationship are going to be a lot harder. (I swear, I know how this sounds, but it’s actually science.)

Does that mean that you have to be dressed up for each other every day? No. Does it mean that they have to love every outfit you own? Absolutely not. But a happy relationship revolves around attraction on a physical and emotional level. If it’s not there, the relationship isn’t, either.

It’s also important that you see your own beauty, because your self-image is so important to your overall confidence. If you’re not confident, you’re not happy – and we’re aiming for happy here, right? We all struggle some days, and having a partner who thinks you’re sexy however you are today can definitely ease the pain of a bad hair day.

Money isn’t really that big of a deal.

Most people give money more attention than it really deserves. (I’d like to pretend I’ve never fallen into that trap, but I have – so, so many times.) It’s hard to remember that money is really such a small portion of our lives, especially when we’re struggling to make ends meet… But, in the grand scheme of things, money really is just money.

Don’t get me wrong – paying your bills is important, and if you’re not able to do that, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on your life. Especially if you’re also trying hard to make a less-than-great relationship work out, too. But I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a better time fixing the issue if you focus on one. Is money really that important now? It probably never was.

When finances start to cause tension in the relationship, it might be tempting to fight and argue about it – but that’s not going to fix your problems. Take some time to calm down, and cut back in as many non-essential places as you can stand to. Then, you can approach the issue with less stress and a more level head. Your chances for a resolution are much better that way.

You’re stable, or at least working towards stability.

Life is a roller coaster, but your relationship shouldn’t be. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, at least most of the time. That happiness doesn’t need to be an exciting fantasy every single day – it really is ok to take it slow sometimes.

“Comfortable” doesn’t have to mean “boring,” and the happiest couples know how to appreciate the comforts that their relationships offer. It’s not a yelling match or an all-day sex-fest. It’s a relationship, and that means that things can be a bit dull sometimes.

Just remember: Even celebrities have low-key, laid-back days sometimes. Do you think your life is more exciting than Ruby Rose’s life? I don’t think so.

The idea of abuse and manipulation are out of the question.

I’d like to think that everyone has a built-in filter that says that emotional, sexual, and physical abuse aren’t okay. Unfortunately, that’s not true – there are some people out there who think that’s all there is. People in abusive relationships might think that sticking around just shows how much they care, but it’s necessary that you care about yourself, first and foremost. You deserve so much better, and the right partner for you agrees.

No one deserves to be treated like they’re nothing. It doesn’t matter what you’ve ever done, or what you’ve ever thought about, or anything that could possibly make a difference here – abuse is abuse. A partner who truly cares about you would never say that something you did caused them to abuse you.

Let me say it one more time: There is no excuse for sexual, emotional, or physical violence within a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it was “provoked” – the right partner for you would never think it was okay to treat you that way.

You feel like it’s secretly perfect.

In the end, only you really know whether something is right for you or not – so how do you feel? Take some time to think about your relationship and how it affects your life. Does your partner bring you joy? Do you bring joy into her life, too? If you do, congratulations – your relationship is secretly amazing.

What To Do If Your Partner Comes Out As Trans*

Recognize that coming out to you wasn’t easy.

It takes a lot of courage to come out, and they’ve probably been working up the nerve to talk to you for a long, long time. Listen respectfully, hear everything they have to say, and keep their feelings in mind while you process.

Hear them out.

Suppress your knee-jerk reactions. Let your partner finish speaking, take a moment to breathe, and then respond.

Don’t assume. Ask questions.

Maybe you’ve seen Transparent. Maybe you love LaVerne Cox on Orange is the New Black. Maybe your best friend in transgender. But that doesn’t mean you know everything about being transgender, and you definitely don’t know what your partner is going through, so ask questions.

Don’t say it’s a phase.

Validate what your partner is experiencing. Even if they’ve changed their pronouns several times in the past year, that doesn’t mean they’re being wishy-washy or going through a phase. It means they’re taking the time to figure out who they really are.

Ask what they need from you.

What pronouns do they want you to use? Do they want help picking out new clothing? Do they want help finding a gender therapist? Do they want things to stay the same?

Recognize that your partner is still your partner.

Maybe you’ve always identified as a lesbian, and your partner comes out to you as a trans* man. That doesn’t mean your partner is suddenly becoming a man – it means he’s always been a man, he just hasn’t been able to tell you. Your partner is still your partner.

… But recognize that your partner might change.

Your partner’s personality may change, especially if they decide to pursue hormone-altering therapies. For example, testosterone injections can result in increased sex drive and irritability – not to mention facial hair. If your partner expresses interest in hormone treatments, make sure to do your research so that you’re prepared for changes.

Educate yourself.

Talk to your partner. Read articles. Order books. Watch documentaries. Learn as much as you can about being transgender and about being the partner to a transgender person. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your partner for resources.

Consider your own feelings too.

Your partner’s gender journey isn’t about you, it’s about becoming true to their identity. Whether you support them or not, they will go through with it, and asking them not to transition will just erode your relationship. That said, keep your own feelings in mind because a transition is hard on both partners. Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. And keep track of your own self care.

At the end of the day, your partner is just becoming who they were meant to be. If you support each other through the process, it may strengthen your relationship.

 

14 Signs You’re About to Get Dumped

I want to share a fun fact with you guys: I’ve been dumped a lot more times than I’ve dumped someone else. In some ways, it’s by choice – breaking up with someone is really, really hard for a people-pleaser. (I’m working on that, but that’s another story entirely.) But, unfortunately for my poor heart, I wasn’t pushing for it every time – some of those times, I was taken by surprise when whoever I was dating at the time used my own tricks against me.

(Yes, this list can also serve as a how-to article for getting someone else to break up with you, but I’ve got to advise you to not use it that way.)

In time, I stopped using my own little tricks, and learned how to break up with someone the way I wished someone else would have the decency to do to me. In some ways, it was good that I got to go through those things – it helped teach me what type of behavior to address in future relationships (if I actually wanted to work them out) and helped me see things coming ahead of time, to better prepare myself.

Now, what are those signs, and how should you handle them? Throughout all the breakups I’ve been through, here are 14 signs that are usually present before it happened. Keep in mind that none of these signs is absolutely true in all occasions – if your relationship only shows a couple, you can probably talk your way through them. Everyone has rough days sometimes. But if you keep noticing more and more, it might be a good idea to let go now – before things get worse for you.

Sign #1: She doesn’t seem to have any time for you anymore.

One of the easiest things to do when you aren’t really feeling it anymore is to simply take a step back – and that’s what many women do. If your girlfriend always has a reason why she can’t be with you, there’s a chance she no longer considers you a priority.

Sign #2: She’s slowly making herself less available to you.

It’s not always a complete disconnect – usually, the physical distance is gradual. It starts with a few flaky plans or noncommittal answers. It may be accidental, though, so make sure you talk to her about it before you assume the worst.

Sign #3: Even when she is there, she’s not really.

Even as she starts to pull her attention away from you, she’s likely to spend time with you, at least occasionally, to keep up appearances and go through the motions. But if it feels like she’s simply going through the motions, she probably is – don’t make excuses for being ignored.

Sign #4: You feel weird or off about spending time together.

Particularly if you’re used to dating people who aren’t really true about their intentions, it can be easy to read too much into your intuition. Realistically, though, your intuition is there to serve as a warning of a potential danger – it shouldn’t be completely ignored. At a minimum, you should be discussing your concerns with your partner.

Sign #5: Your dates become less special.

In the start of the relationship, it’s all flowers and fancy restaurants – but now you’re lucky if you go through the drive-through once a month. (Together, that is.) Not all dates need to be five-stars, but if there’s a marked lack of effort on her part, there’s a chance it’s intentional.

Sign #6: You only seem to go out in groups.

There’s a reason group dates work so well for new relationships: They help take the pressure off, by making quality time together nearly impossible. If the love (or lust) is still there, you might take off away from the crowd – but if she puts barriers in place to make sure it’s never just the two of you, take the hint. She doesn’t want it to be just the two of you.

Sign #7: She refuses to plan things with you ahead of time.

Whether it’s your sister’s wedding next year or a concert next month, she simply can’t commit to something that far ahead of time, and there’s a good reason: She’s not sure if you’ll still be together in that amount of time. Most of us have a general idea of what’s going on in our lives, and if it were something important for us, we’d make the time for it.

Sign #8: She won’t return your calls or texts.

Of course, you’ve got to use a little discretion here – there’s a huge difference between not texting back because she’s doing something super important and not texting back ever. If she cares about you, she’ll make a point to text you back when the timing is better for her, with a simplified reason why.

Sign #9: She starts using self-fulfilling break-up clichés.

Talk is cheap, but if you really listen to what your partner says, what is she really saying? Listen for things like “Maybe we’re just not right for each other,” “Maybe we’re just too different,” or “What if something happens between us?” You should also listen for blame-grabbing phrases such as “You can do better than me” as they mean basically the same thing as “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Sign #10: She never asks about your day.

Sometimes, we get too busy with life and forget to check in. But that’s not what this is. If your girlfriend always steers the conversation back towards herself, or if she acts like she doesn’t care about you… Believe her! Most people aren’t “acting” when they act self-centered.

Sign #11: She argues with you about everything.

Relationships are going to have disagreements – that’s a given. But pay attention to who brings up the concerns, and how frequently they happen. Does it seem like she has a criticism for everything you do and every opinion you have? Take note.

Sign #12: She gets defensive about your concerns.

If you try to have a civil discussion about your relationship needs that aren’t being fulfilled, how would your girlfriend react? If she denies, minimizes, or avoids acknowledging the things that are bothering you, she is trying to affirm that she’s the better person here – which means she’s not someone you need in your life.

Sign #13: She threatens to get violent with you.

First, let me say that a threat of violence doesn’t necessarily mean someone is planning to leave, but it does mean that you should get out of the relationship. However, in some cases, a partner may make threats (that she may or may not act on) in an effort to get you to leave her. In any case, it’s better to get out while the threat is still a threat and not a reality, if at all possible.

Sign #14: She says she’s not attracted to you anymore.

Physical attraction is one piece of the puzzle of love – but it’s a bigger piece than we give it credit for. The desire between you is undoubtedly going to go through phases, but the attraction should still remain. If she makes comments about your features that makes it clear she’s not attracted anymore – or worse, directly insults you – she’s probably doing it specifically to hurt you. Talk it through if you need to, but remember – your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. So, does she?

9 Ways Your Family Screws With Your Mental Health

We don’t want to believe that the people closest to us are going to do things to hurt us. Sure, maybe sometimes we don’t see eye to eye, but would they really go out of their way to make us feel bad about ourselves? Well, quite possibly, but it’s not usually on purpose. The way things are intended aren’t always the way they come across, and it’s hard to really understand the motivation behind the way someone is.

We’ve laid out 8 things that most family members say at some point, and what they really mean. How many have you heard? How many have you said?

“You’re too good for him/her.”

What they mean: “I’m concerned that your partner doesn’t bring you enough happiness.”

What you hear: “Your emotions are not as important as my judgment over your relationship.”

This one comes from a place of genuine love and concern, and usually comes from a close friend or family member who thinks they know you. They’re worried about your relationship, for whatever reason, and they think that your judgment is clouded. While this is sometimes true, it needs to be presented carefully – otherwise it’ll fall on deaf (and annoyed) ears.

“Are you really going to eat all that?”

What they mean: “I’m worried about the health and fitness expectations I have for you.”

What you hear: “Your health requires my validation – you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Children, teens, and young adults who suffer from body image issues almost always have a family member who encouraged the disordered thinking – and disordered thinking leads to disordered behaviors. I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has ever been fat-shamed by anyone else… You are so much more than your measurements, I promise.

“Why can’t you be more like _____?”

What they mean: “Your sister/brother/cousin seems to be more successful than you are. Maybe you should ask them for some advice.”

What you hear: “You are not good enough. I’d rather you were someone else instead.”

No one deserves to live in someone else’s shadow – including you. One of the most wonderful things about human beings is that we are all unique in so many ways. When we turn everything into a competition, we rob ourselves of our individuality. We destroy the very thing that makes us amazing.

“Your job isn’t good enough for you.”

What they mean: “I think you should have a different job that makes more money or gives you better perks.”

What you hear: “Your job satisfaction doesn’t matter – you need to adhere to my definition of success.”

Not everyone has the same qualifiers for satisfaction, and people are always going to pass judgment on the decisions you’ve made for yourself. That doesn’t mean you need to stick to their qualifiers, though – figure out what makes you happy, and handle your business. (Even if that means working minimum wage so you can put food on the table – a universally good job is hard to come by.)

“Are you really going like that?”

What they mean: “I’m not comfortable with the way you look right now.”

What you hear: “Your style/fashion/makeup choices aren’t good enough.”

No one likes being told what they can or should wear, and no one likes hearing that they don’t look nice. When someone undermines the choices you’ve made with your appearance – or even worse, the things about your appearance that weren’t a choice – you have the right to completely ignore them. Be your own kind of gorgeous, and find people who celebrate your gorgeousness with you.

“If you don’t _____, I’m going to _______.”

What they mean: “This thing is important enough to me that I will threaten you to make sure it happens.”

What you hear: “My control over this demand is more important to me than your happiness or sense of safety.”

Threats, ultimatums, and demands are never good for a relationship – no matter what kind of relationship that is. When the people close to you start making statements like this, they’re not showing “tough love”, they’re exhibiting control over you. It’s entirely appropriate to refuse these demands, particularly if the threat directly affects your safety, your livelihood, or your other relationships.

“I don’t care.”

What they mean: “It doesn’t matter what the reason is, my argument does not change.”

What you hear: “You don’t matter.”

This one usually comes up in an argument, when we’re already prone to saying things we don’t really mean. That doesn’t excuse it, but it should help to soften the blow at least a little. When someone tells you that they don’t care, believe them – they don’t.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

What they mean: See “I don’t care.”

What you hear: “The things you have to say are unimportant.”

In some ways, this is just an extension of “I don’t care,” above. But, it also tells a child (or young adult) that your thoughts don’t mean as much as someone else’s – someone you care deeply about. Approval from the people closest to us helps to build our self-worth, and while it is possible to build it up yourself, it’s a lot harder.

“If you just tried a little harder…”

What they mean: “I think you’re not living up to your fullest potential.”

What you hear: “If this is the best you can do, you’re not good enough.”

One of the most depressing feelings we encounter in life is the feeling that we are inadequate. We all get these feelings from time to time, but there are certain things that definitely make the feelings worse. When someone says that you should just try harder, they’re assuming that you’re not already trying as hard as you can. If you are already trying your hardest (which is impossible to see from the outside), you can start to feel like you’ll never be good enough.

13 Signs Your Relationship is On the Right Track

Relationships are really, really hard work. Even when everything is going well, it’s still hard to keep your emotions in check sometimes. Things don’t really get any easier as you go, either – they just get a little more worth the effort.

Everyone has their own expectations of what makes a perfect relationship, but there are 13 signs that let you know that things are probably on the right track. Give yourself a pat on the back – you deserve it!

1. You can talk things out without fighting.

Every relationship has disagreements, but not all relationships can move through those disagreements. What makes the difference? Simply put, it’s whether you have the ability to talk about things without turning it into a battle or a competition.

2. You practice grace and forgiveness.

Two of the hardest-to-come-by virtues out there, grace and forgiveness give you peace with yourself and others. While we’re definitely not saying you should gloss over the big indiscretions, you need to accept that people make mistakes sometimes, and know how to move on from them.

3. You show each other love and kindness.

Most of us choose to identify as kind and loving – but we might forget to show it as much as we should. Happy relationships rely on love, affection, and a feeling of friendship between the partners. If you have that, you’re a lot closer than those who don’t.

4. You make each other laugh.

We’re all looking for someone who can make us laugh, but at some point we forget how important it is. I don’t think I personally know a single person who doesn’t list “a good sense of humor” as one of their main relationship priorities. Remember that the next time your girlfriend is annoying you with her cheesy impressions.

5. You use your differences to grow.

Everyone has differences – it’s one of the things that makes us so special as human beings. How you respond to those differences tells a lot about how compatible you really are, though. Do you use your differences against each other, or do you remember that you’re different people with different perspectives?

6. You make each other a priority.

You aren’t always going to be each other’s first priority, but you should always fall somewhere near the top of the other’s list. If you two make a point to spend time with each other all the time, and really focus on the time you do spend, you’re taking action to build your bond – good for you!

7. You serve each other without resentment.

There are mixed opinions on this particular subject – does someone deserve “wifey treatment” if they aren’t willing to actually be your wife? I think that this relies on a misunderstanding about serving your partner, though. It should never be an obligation, but rather something you choose to do for her. If you are happy to do things for her, and she is happy to do things for you, then you’ve got it good.

8. You care for yourselves and each other.

It’s all well and good to have a partner who wants to take care of you, but if one of you isn’t also interested in taking care of yourself, no amount of serving will help you. The best partners know that you can’t help someone out of a hole that you’re stuck in yourself. They take care of themselves, so that they can better take care of each other.

9. You don’t have secrets from each other.

Of course, being an individual implies a certain amount of privacy. I’m not talking about sharing every detail of everything. But the things you keep from your partner shouldn’t be the things they don’t want to hear – it should be the things that don’t concern them. She doesn’t need to know the contents of your e-mails, but she does deserve to know if any of them cross any lines.

10. You both admit your mistakes.

Admitting a problem is the first step in fixing it – so taking ownership of the mistakes you’ve made is the first step in working towards a solution. You two don’t fight over these mistakes, because you don’t try to deny that they happened.

11. You don’t keep score.

A little friendly competition is good for you – but that competition shouldn’t get in the way of your happy, healthy relationship. That means you need to let go of the things that happened in the past, and both try your best to prevent the mistakes from repeating. It also means you trust your partner to do what she said she was going to do, even if she occasionally doesn’t.

12. You support each other, in public and private.

It’s important to have a partner who supports the things you want to do with your life, and just as important to have a partner who’s willing to stick up for you when things get a little tense. If your partner cheers you on, even when others are booing, she’s a keeper.

13. You encourage each other to be your best selves.

I’m always really hesitant about including this as advice, because there’s a very thin line between “encouraging someone to reach their full potential” and “trying to turn someone into something they’re not”. For partners who are in support of the changes being made, however, it’s an incredible feeling to know that your girlfriend is on your team and wants great things to happen for you. Just make sure you’re doing the same for her, too.

New Study Reveals Binge Watching TV Is Good For Our Love Lives

A new study conducted by the University of Aberdeen has shown that couples who curl up on the sofa together and binge watch a box set can develop a closer emotional bond than those that don’t do this. The study has been written up into a research paper called ‘Let’s stay home and watch TV – The benefits of shared media use for close relationships.’ The paper suggests that couples can enhance interdependence by watching TV shows together and this is especially so if the couple do not have many mutual friends as this means they lack a shared social world. This basically means the couple build up a relationship together with the same TV characters and this compensates for not sharing the same social group.

Interdependence is a process called ‘self – expansion’ in which people incorporate aspects of their partner into their own personality, through common interests and friendships and the paper states:

 Self – expansion fosters closeness and feelings of love, and sharing a “fictional social world” can help couples with this process, leading romantic partners to identify as “an interdependent ‘we'”.

For example, when many LBGTQ individuals watched ‘The L Word’ we felt part of their lives and it was almost like Bette, Shane and co were really our friends. ‘Orange is the New Black’ is quoted in the paper when Piper says to her then boyfriend the night before she leaves for her prison sentence:

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me … that when I get out of here, we’re going to binge watch it, together, in bed, with take out.”

The paper continues to state that Piper’s longing to binge watch Mad Men with Larry can stem from a desire to restore this shared social identity when she gets out of prison as her time spent in prison will take her away from her sense of shared identity with her partner.

So girls, what are you waiting for? Get out the popcorn, choose your favourite TV show, snuggle into your boo and binge watch that box set for hours. After all, who are we to argue with the experts when we can improve our relationship with our loved one simply by watching TV together? Enjoy!

12 Compliments You Should Give Your Lady More Often

I love giving people compliments. It’s in my nature to be encouraging, I think, and I love the feeling I get when I see someone achieve the things they set their minds to. I don’t really know what it is, either – I guess some people just get joy from making other people happy.

(Secretly, I think we all do, but there are some people who will never admit it.)

There’s never really a bad time to make someone feel good about themselves, either. In some cases, a kind word can literally save someone’s life – the right words are very powerful. Even when it’s not a life-and-death scenario, giving compliments doesn’t cost anything and will give everyone involved a strong case of the warm fuzzies. Why not say something nice today?

“You’re amazing – don’t change.”

When someone is struggling with their self-image, or something else about themselves, sometimes they need a small reminder that they are already good enough. I don’t know too many people who don’t need to hear this one sometimes. (Just make sure you actually think the person is amazing – there’s no value in lying here.)

“You’re special to me.”

Most of us struggle with our self-worth from time to time, even if our confidence is otherwise pretty solid. Telling someone that they’re special to you not only shows your appreciation of the things that they do for you, but it also lets them know that they’re worth something to you. It might also help remind them that anyone who doesn’t think they’re special isn’t worth a second thought.

“I’m proud of you.”

This is one of my particular favorites, because of how it makes me feel when I hear it. If someone is feeling confused or defeated in their path in life, this can be the push they need. Knowing that someone is proud of them could make the difference between “I give up!” versus “Look what I did!”

“You look good.”

It might seem like a shallow compliment, relying solely on looks, and in many cases, that’s true. But if you have a loved one who’s been trying particularly hard to get in shape or get healthy, it acts as an acknowledgement of effort. Just knowing that someone else can see the progress made is a huge motivator.

“You are enough.”

This one comes particularly in handy when someone has been passed over for a job or a promotion, or been rejected by someone they cared about. Everyone is subject to occasional feelings of inadequacy, because the brain can’t differentiate between the things that we wanted, but didn’t get, as opposed to the things that we’ve lost. This is a gentle reminder that the status or achievement that they don’t have will not define them, in the past, present, or future.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Everyone likes feeling important, at least to some extent – and letting someone know that they’re an irreplaceable part of your life gives them importance beyond measure. It lets them know that you see them as a blessing, which is really a warm-fuzzy for both of you.

“You’re so skilled.”

It’s easy to get caught up in the things that we can’t do, and a “talent” mentality has a lot to do with it. By turning talents into skills, and reminding the person how much they’ve already improved, they’re more motivated to keep practicing. Very few people are born with “raw, natural talent” – for the rest of us, there’s dedication and practice.

“I appreciate you.”

It’s not only nice to feel appreciated – it’s necessary for our mental health and overall happiness. More people leave a relationship due to a lack of appreciation, directly or indirectly, than for any other reason. More people leave their jobs when they don’t think their boss appreciates them than any other reason. More people ditch friendships because they feel they’re being taken advantage than any other reason. Do you see a trend forming here?

A specific “thank you.”

Most people say “thank you” as a habitual response to an action, if they even say it at all. That doesn’t really show gratitude, though – so it’s important to cultivate better “thank you’s” in order to let the person know how you really feel. After all, you are grateful for this person, right?

“You are strong and brave.”

When people get scared, they tend to forget the progress they’ve already made. They freeze in fear and don’t know what steps to take next. Reminding them that they’ve already overcome so much will help encourage them to keep trying. They’ve gone through so much, and always came out on top eventually – so remind their inner warrior that they’ve got a 100% track record, and cheer them on.

“I believe in you.”

We (as humans) are more likely to give up on our goals, dreams, and plans if it feels like other people have given up on us, too. Even the strongest people will struggle if no one believes in them. Reminding someone that you believe in them is one of the easiest ways to encourage their continued awesomeness – and if it leads into a deeper conversation, even better.

“I love you.”

We don’t usually think of this one as a compliment, because we reserve it for specific people in our lives. Really, though, why can’t we love everyone in our lives? There are many different types of love, and they all deserve to be acknowledged. Remind your partner, your friends, and your family of the love you feel for them – and find a way to express your love toward strangers, too. Trust me – it helps.

How To Get Over Your Ex (For Real This Time)

When your ex breaks your heart, your first instinct is to buy a gallon of ice cream, curl up in a Snuggie and watch L Word reruns. But that’s so predictable. If you want to really get over her, you need to think outside of the box.

The Target Practice

  1. Collect the ugliest photos of her from your cell phone, her Facebook and her Instagram.
  2. Buy the largest dartboard you can find on the internet. Preferably the size of your entire room.
  3. Paste all of those photos to the dartboard.
  4. Throw darts until her face is full of holes,

The Nobel Prize

  1. Dig out your diary from middle school.
  2. Read these breakup poems.
  3. Use those poems as inspiration to write your own incredible breakup poems.
  4. Publish them in the New Yorker.
  5. Enjoy your newfound literary fame while your ex seethes in envy.

The Empty Stomach

  1. Cook their very favorite food.
  2. Upload a photo of it to Instagram.
  3. Watch your ex seethe in envy.
  4. Bonus: Buy out all of the ingredients from the grocery store so that your ex can’t cook this food.

The Alcohol Withdrawal

  1. Create a new alcoholic drink.
  2. Name it after your ex.
  3. Tell of the bartenders in town not to serve it to your ex.
  4. Victory.

The Taylor Swift

  1. Introduce Taylor Swift to your ex.
  2. Watch Taylor Swift and your ex have a swift but disastrous relationship.
  3. Wait for Taylor Swift to write a scathing song about your ex.
  4. Create a viral dance video to that song.
  5. Go on Ellen to demonstrate the dance.
  6. Date Ellen.

8 Creepy Things Women Are Tired of Hearing

Can we talk about creeps for a minute, please?

I pretty much grew up with the internet, so I’ve been exposed to almost every type of creep imaginable. I also spent some time as a party girl, and learned about a few more types of creep. Sometimes, these creeps are actively trying to convince you that you’re wrong about not wanting to sleep with them. Others are slightly less creepy, choosing instead to give you advice about your appearance or hobbies. (They’re still creeps, though, because it’s not really their business.)

How many of these things have you heard lately? Do you have any more to add? Let us know in the comments!

“How much do you weigh?” or “What size _____ do you wear?”

I’ll admit it: For the longest time, I had no idea why asking a woman what she weighed could be offensive. I’d always been a bit chubby, but I weighed more than I looked like I did. (Or, at least that’s what people told me when I responded to this question.) I was pretty happy with myself for a while.

That is, until I realized what they were really saying when they told me I carried it well. They were telling me, “You look nice… For a fat person.” And it hurts a bit. Over time, the “for a fat person” starts overhanging everything else, and it calls attention to something that may be a sensitive issue. Body image issues can turn into eating disorders if left unchecked – and once you go down that road, it’s a really, really tough path to recovery.

The problem here isn’t (necessarily) in the words you’re actually using, but in the fact that you’re assigning values to someone based on the answer they give. Whether you realize it or not, you’re implying that the person’s value is attached to an arbitrary number. Just don’t do it.

“Hey baby/sweetheart/love.”

Let me be really clear here. I love pet names. I absolutely adore them and have pet names for almost every person in my life. But when a stranger chooses to call me a pet name, it makes me cringe. Does this mean I’m a hypocrite? Not at all!

Pet names are meant to convey love and affection. It’s implied that calling someone by a pet name, rather than their real name, means you want to have an intimate relationship with them (whether physical or emotional). Sometimes it’s harmless, like the little old lady at your local diner – but when it comes from someone who could prove to be a threat, it turns the woman into an object to be doted on. Not exactly charming.

Instead of assigning a pet name (or any other nickname!) to someone you don’t know – anyone you don’t know – try asking their name instead. You might make a new friend, instead of being labelled the local creep.

“Well, someone’s hungry today.” Or “Are you really going to eat all that?”

There’s a lot of pressure on women to stay thin, for the convenience of others. (I will acknowledge that men face similar pressures, too, but they’re less likely to get flak about them from strangers.) Society likes thin women because they’re “more attractive,” never mind the fact that everyone has their own unique preferences for a partner. But, I digress.

With these pressures (and the added commentary), it’s no wonder that so many women have body image issues. When you add that to the fact that a stranger is literally talking about your food, as if what you put in your body is their business, makes it extra creepy.

Instead of talking about the food someone else is eating, how about just focusing on what you put in your body? Not everyone’s dietary and nutritional needs are the same, and not everybody cares. You have no right to place judgments on how much (or how little) another person is eating.

“You should smile more.”

This one sounds innocent enough, and it almost would be. Except that no one tells men to smile more. Women are told to smile more because they’re perceived as rough when they’re not smiling. They’re seen as aggressive and domineering, and sometimes even called ugly for it. Is it fair? Absolutely not. Does it happen every day? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

Why are we told to smile? Maybe it’s a judgment about how attractive we are. Maybe it’s a commentary that our (perceived) unhappiness makes someone else uncomfortable. In both cases, it’s a gentle nudge that reminds you that what someone else thinks is way more important than how you, as a woman, really feel.

Instead of telling someone they should smile more, you should naturally try to encourage them to smile. Nothing artificial here – just be a good person and a little bit less of a creep, and I’m sure she probably will smile more. Or not – it’s not her job to please you!

“How tall are you without your shoes?”

This one seems innocent, too, except that it seeks to categorize a person based on an arbitrary measurement. Height has nothing to do with your potential for love, success, and happiness, and it shouldn’t be used to determine your value in any of those areas.

It also (indirectly) attacks a woman’s fashion choices. The truth is, the shoes you wear are 100% your business. Who cares if they’re ballet flats, sneakers, rain boots, or platform stilettos? As long as you feel comfortable and confident in your shoes, your shoes are awesome. It literally doesn’t matter what shoes make you feel comfortable.

(That being said, if your work requests that you wear specific shoes for the job, I 100% advise you to either wear those shoes or find a different job… But that’s another subject entirely.)

“You should do something different with your hair/makeup/style.”

This one usually comes from someone who means well, but they miss the mark with their concern. Telling someone that the way they look isn’t good is never the nice thing to do, but for some reason, people think it’s okay to judge women for these choices. (Have you seen how those celebs going au naturel have been talked about? It’s disgusting.)

Clothing, hair, and makeup are all personal choices that help to reflect your personality, in whatever way you want it to. Changing the style because of someone else’s opinion won’t make you look better, because you look better when you’re comfortable and confident – and following the advice of someone who just made you feel bad about yourself isn’t the way to find confidence.

Can we all just agree that we’ll appreciate the style choices of others without trying to “correct” them? This isn’t a math test, it’s just how we want to look, okay?

“Is that your real hair color?”

Have you ever noticed that men don’t really get asked if their hair is its natural color? It took me longer than I’d like to admit to finally make the connection. Men don’t get asked because the question isn’t really about hair dye… It’s about pubes. This question is just the more PC version of “Does the carpet match the drapes?” (Which, by the way, is a super awful line and should never be used. Ever.)

I used to answer this one proudly. I’ve been dying my hair every color imaginable since I was 14 years old. (I’m naturally a platinum blonde, which thankfully takes color really, really well.) But people still ask if the color is obviously fake – purple-haired me got just as many creepy questions as brunette-haired me did.

Repeat after me: “Someone else’s genitals are none of my business unless they want to share them with me.” Okay? Okay.

“Your [insert clothing item or body part here] is distracting to me.”

We hear about this one a lot whenever the subject of school dress codes comes up. Girls are told that their shoulders, their bra straps, and the back of their legs are distracting. They are often pulled out of class and told to cover up – sometimes even sent home to change. This distraction from the student’s education is overlooked (because who likes smart girls, anyway?).

Sadly, that doesn’t really go away when you grow up, either. I remember my girlfriend’s mom telling me one time that I shouldn’t wear shorts when I go out because “it might give some old man a heart attack.” I’ve been told by random strangers that they could see my bra sticking out from under my tank top. I’ve overheard people talking about rape survivors as if their clothing choices were to blame for what happened to them.

Let me just clear this one up: If you are sexualizing someone else’s body, without their consent, it is not their fault that you find them distracting. It’s your own creepiness causing problems for you, and you should really look into that a bit before blaming the victims.

Does Being Single Beat Being Married?

Browsing the internet, I couldn’t have been more surprised when I read the headline “Being single beats being married.”

I immediately thought “Me, a 21 year-old gay woman, who has never even been in  relationship is going to write about the joys of being single…oh the irony!”

But as I am reading the article (you can find it here), I found myself actually second guessing serious relationships for the first time ever!

So come along and follow me as I share some of  my thoughts as I learn more about the undiscovered bliss of “singledom”.

Being single allows people to “live their best, most authentic and most meaningful life”

Well, that’s a promising start, right? According to the researcher Professor DePaulo, those who are single usually have a higher sense of personal growth and development. Well, as a long-time bachelorette, I fully agree with the statement! (Already changing my tune about being single this early into the article has to be a sign).

Also mentioned, is the fact that single people are more self-sufficient! Well, I can’t argue with that either, although I guess it really varies and there are definitely a lot to take into account when talking about self-sufficiency that isn’t necessarily related to one’s relationship status.

But how about the loneliness of single life?!

I know, I know, I sound slightly crazy, and it turns out I have been completely wrong! According to DePaulo, “Single people are more connected to parents, siblings, friends, neighbours, and coworkers than married people are, and when people marry, they become more insular.” Looking back, it does make sense to be more alienated from friends and family while married…I mean, we have all seen The L Word episode where Bette and Tina need an intervention!

“Scholars are learning more about the risks of putting too much relationship capital into The One.”

Another highly focused point is the negative effects of putting all expectations in a single person and consequently, in a single relationship. It has also been under study the psychological risks and benefits of marriage and long-term dating. According to this study, single people appear to be not only happier but also more satisfied with their life when compared to married people. So why are we still getting married? “Relentless celebration of marriage and coupling and weddings that I call matrimania” is the answer given by Professor DePaulo.

Although there’s still a lot to discover in this hot-topic, it’s undeniable that the results should bring on some conflict and critique since we still live in a society where, sometimes, marriage is seen as the ultimate goal; The “happy ending” we should all aspire to, regardless of how professionally successful we may be. When I first came across the article, I was sure I was going to disagree with everything said, especially being a hopeless romantic. But what if DePaulo is right? What if we are simply “better

off” being single?

However, I can confidently say that I can’t wait to be in a serious relationship! I really can’t! But when taking a deeper look into this study, it’s undeniably scary to even think about that! What about you, what do you think about marriage? I can’t wait to see everyone’s take on this subject, so comment away!

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How To Handle 9 Common Relationship Speed Bumps Like A Grown Ass Woman

I love talking about growth in a relationship. There’s something magical about the transformations that you go through between your teenage years and adulthood. These changes don’t happen at exactly the same time for everyone, and for some people they never happen – I’m sure you can think of a few people who still act like kids, even well into their 30s and 40s. (I’m related to a few.)

What’s even more magical is the fact that, sometimes, the most mature people I know are the ones who are bad at relationships. There are things that make us mature in all other aspects of our lives – such as keeping our emotions to ourselves – that don’t necessarily mean we’re a grown ass woman in our relationships.

Curious about how to treat your relationship with the maturity it deserves? Just follow these 9 simple tips.

Scenario #1: Your partner is too busy to answer your calls.

Immature response: The immature partner may feel insecure if their partner isn’t able to respond right away. She may worry that her partner is cheating on her, or that she’s moving on without even saying goodbye.

Mature response: The grown ass woman understands that her girlfriend’s phone doesn’t live in her hand, and sometimes there are more important things going on. She knows that not every little thing is “a sign” of something bad, and she’s not going to raise a fuss without something a little more concrete.

Scenario #2: Your partner falls behind on her share of the housework.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend might keep score about who does the dishes more often, and who forgot to fold the clothes when it was their turn to do the laundry. She holds onto these things in order to bring them up at a later date.

Mature response: The grown ass woman tries to see things from her girlfriend’s perspective first. She takes time to calm down so that her anger doesn’t get the better of her. Finally, she forgives her partner and remembers that there are more important things in life than the cleaning.

Scenario #3: Your partner wants to spend some time with her friends.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend immediately gets suspicious. She feels that her partner is trying to get away from her, and she may try to tag along, or to convince her girlfriend to just stay home instead. She’s worried that her partner will cheat with her attractive friends.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows exactly why her girlfriend has attractive friends, and also knows that it’s not a threat to her. She knows that friends are absolutely vital to happiness and that her girlfriend, who is also a grown ass woman, doesn’t need a babysitter.

Scenario #4: Your sex life starts to slow down.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may assume that her partner is losing interest in her. Whether she’s getting it somewhere else, or she’s simply disinterested, doesn’t really matter – and the immature girlfriend refuses to ask anyway.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows that sex isn’t always going to be the pinnacle of the relationship. She is, however, willing to negotiate when the mood doesn’t line up just right – such as giving her partner pleasure even when she’s not in the mood. (As long as her partner asks nicely, of course.)

Scenario #5: Your partner has an occasional bad attitude.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will take this bad attitude very personally, and may even react to it with anger. Best case scenario, she’ll dwell on it and worry about what it means for the relationship.

Mature response: A grown ass woman understands that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes, you’re on your period, or sick, or stressed out from work and/or school, but that doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person you love. Instead, the grown ass woman thanks her for putting up with her bad attitudes, too.

Scenario #6: You disagree about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may respond to differences with horror, anger, or insecurity. Differences are seen as polar, and are hard to work around. It seems like she’ll never find a partner she’s actually compatible with.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is flexible about the little things. She knows that she’s not always going to get her way, and that’s okay. She knows that differences are what make us human, and they’re worth celebrating – or, at the very least, respecting.

Scenario #7: Your partner needs time for herself.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will see this “alone time” as an immediate and urgent threat to the relationship. She may feel abandoned or neglected, and she may even question whether the alone time is actually being spent alone.

Mature response: A grown ass woman encourages her girlfriend to find her own independence. She values her own privacy, so she respects her partner’s privacy, too. Most of all, she knows that arguing while you’re angry is one of the fastest ways to say something you regret, so she would never deny her partner the ability to reflect in private first.

Scenario #8: Your partner has strong feelings about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may be disinterested if her partner is having problems that don’t have anything to do with her. If the problem does have something to do with her, she may become defensive. Either way, this scenario is bound to be awkward.

Mature response: A grown ass woman listens to her girlfriend’s complaints without judgment or assumptions. Then, when her partner is done airing her complaints, the mature girlfriend offers support and, only if requested, advice.

Scenario #9: Your partner makes more money than you do.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may feel jealous and insecure when her partner makes more money than her. Society teaches us that we need to be competitive with other women. When the “other woman” is someone you love, that competition gets really strange, really fast. I’ve known lesbians who have actually broken up with a woman because of income differences.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is inspired by other people’s success stories, and seeing her girlfriend succeed will motivate her to reach her own goals, too. She knows that her partner’s wins are also her wins, because they’re working to build an empire together – not just a way to pass the time.

17 Things You Should Probably Do More Often In Your Relationship

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships in my time in the dating scene, it’s definitely that there are few absolutes. You can date a ton of women who all love cats, and once you’ve collected a good assortment of cats from previous relationships, you’ll eventually end up with a woman who really doesn’t like them.

It’s pretty much like that with everything, too – we’re all different, and we’re all into different things. However, there are some general guidelines that pretty much cover any relationship, and talking about them can help keep things going on the right track.

Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about their problems until they’re already feeling the urge to walk away. This is so sad, because – at that point – it’s almost always too late. The good news is that, by simply talking about these standard expectations with your partner, you can set yourself up for happiness that may have been lacking from your previous relationships – and, you’ll fall into the habits that make good relationships great.

Curious to know what those general guidelines are? Whether you’re trying to maintain a happy relationship, or trying to help fix a troubled one, these 17 things are the biggest keys to your partner’s happiness with her. How many are you letting slip through the cracks?

1. Compliment her.

I know, I know. We’ve all got self-confidence, and self-confidence implies that you don’t need another person’s input to let you know your value. Still, you should compliment your girlfriend. Like, a lot. She deserves to hear that she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind.

2. Hang out with “couple friends”.

When we get into a relationship, we have a tendency to neglect our single friends. While we should make sure we’re not cutting them out of our lives (unless there’s a valid reason to do so), you’ll also want to hang out with other couples to do “couple things”. Double dates can be fun, and sometimes you can even get group discounts – score!

3. Remind her you care about her.

Most people want to feel cared about and appreciated in their relationships. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but trust me – those people need to be appreciated and cared about it, maybe even more than the rest of us. Remind your girlfriend how much she means to you, and she’s more likely to stick it out through your other mistakes. (Just remember, a good portion of “caring about her” is that you actually have to try to learn from your mistakes.)

4. Keep her secrets.

If I were to ask you if you respect your partner’s rights to privacy, I’m sure you’d say you do. But when’s the last time you talked about a fight you’d had with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend? When’s the last time you told your best friend about your sex life? All of these things are in direct conflict with your girlfriend’s private life staying private – so try to break the habit as soon as possible.

5. Watch romantic movies together.

Believe it or not, there’s actually an emotional benefit to watching those sappy, cheesy romantic movies. (Okay, maybe not the totally cheesy ones, but definitely the ones that sound interesting to you.) Then, after you’ve finished watching the movie, talk about what you watched! Did the relationship on screen make you think of your relationship, or of one you’d like to have? Why or why not?

6. Learn and grow together.

The happiest couples are the ones that take time to enrich their lives, both together and separately. Enroll in a cooking class, or take a trip out of town. Learning new things and having new experiences are paramount to a happy life, so why wouldn’t you want to share those things with your partner?

7. Talk about your day.

It might seem silly to talk about your day with your partner, especially if you already live together. But happy relationships thrive on both presence and storytelling, so your ability to relay the highs and lows of your day will bring you and your partner closer together. She wants to know what’s going on, but you’ll have to find the way that works best for the two of you.

8. Talk about the hard or embarrassing things, too.

Often, we feel tempted to leave out the things that we don’t want to talk about. Chances are pretty good that these are the real things your partner wants to know about, though – and your ability to discuss them will bring you even closer than all the small talk in the world ever could.

9. Focus on how we feel, as opposed to what she did (or didn’t do).

When we talk about problems in our relationship, it’s easier to lay the blame on someone else. But when you focus on what your partner did wrong, instead of how it made you feel, you’re setting yourself up for confrontation. Try phrasing your complaints as “I feel ____ because ____” and give your partner permission to respond the same way. This puts your emotions front and center, which makes it easier to keep them within your control.

10. Have fun with each other.

Couples who play around together are generally happier – but the type of play you do is up to you and your girlfriend. Some choose to play video games, others choose to play sports, and others like to get it all out with a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever works for you is the perfect play for you and your girlfriend – but first, you’ve got to discuss what it is.

11. Cook for each other, and with each other.

There’s something special about a home-cooked meal that will always be greater than going out to eat. However, most people don’t like feeling obligated to cook – so make sure you’re both giving it a go. Don’t just cook for her, either – every so often, make a date out of cooking dinner! Even if the recipe turns out terrible, at least you got to have fun in the process.

12. Encourage her.

It’s really easy to be a critic. We often criticize without even thinking, because people ought to know better than to take things personally. But she’s not “just being sensitive” if she’s upset by those criticisms – she needs to be encouraged, too. If all you do is put her down, even with the best of intentions, she’s not going to feel cared about and appreciated (and we already went over how important that is).

13. Compromise (without sacrificing).

Compromise is a particularly tricky area for most people. It’s hard to find the right balance between forcing our own way, versus giving up our autonomy completely. But if you want your relationship to last the long game, you’ll need to negotiate so that neither of you feels taken advantage of.

14. Cuddle with each other.

Even if you’re “not really a cuddler” (read: me, pre-2013), there are numerous psychological benefits attributed to cuddling with someone you care about. It boosts your overall mood, stimulates the production of oxytocin, and shows your partner you’re in it for the long haul. Aww.

15. Message her when you’re apart.

When you live with your partner, it can be really easy to dismiss that thing you wanted to tell her because you’ll see her in a few hours (or days) anyway. But why do we stop ourselves from sending those sweet “I was thinking about you” messages? They show her that she’s on your mind, even when she’s not in plain sight, and that’s something special.

16. Get fit together.

Most people could stand to get a little more exercise, but that same portion of people don’t really enjoy exercising. By drafting each other as your primary workout buddies, you increase your chances of following through with your goals – because you’ll both be actively engaged towards the same target, and can keep each other accountable. It might even make your workouts a little more fun!

17. Define yourselves (and your boundaries).

Finally, one of the things that can degrade a relationship over time is having too much closeness. I know, I’ve just spent the last however-long telling you about more things you need to do with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. You need to establish who you are separately, and define the things you’re uncomfortable with, separate from your partner – otherwise you’ll never truly understand how you work together.

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13 Reasons Why We Aren’t Having More Sex In Our Relationship

A survey carried out by Autostraddle carried out a sex survey on women who were in a relationship with other women. 88% of the women who took part said that in an ideal world they would be having sex multiple times a week, but the reality is that only 38.8% are having sex that frequently. Around 40% of the women also said they were unsatisfied with their sex life and couples who had a lot of sex said they were very happy with their relationship. So, what are the reasons we are not having more sex?

Lesbians have sex for a long period of time.

Apparently the average couple have sex for around 30- 40 minutes and some reported that they would have sex for up to 2 hours. It takes a woman 15-40 minutes to achieve orgasm which is why our sex takes longer, so in some cases we simply just don’t have enough time to have more sex.

Depression

Depression affects more women than men and LGBT folks have a higher depression rate than others. Loss of sex drive is a common symptom of depression and is another reason we are not having as much sex as we’d like.

Taking Anti-depressants

This was the most popular reason in the survey as to why women are not having as much sex as they’d like. Anti-depressants have side effects such as low libido, vaginal dryness and problems reaching orgasm. This takes its toll in the bedroom and is a real issue for many.

Dealing with sexual trauma

Apparently 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexuals have experienced sexual assault, physical violence or stalking from an intimate partner. Enduring this type of trauma can leave women with trust and sex issues that can take a very long time to overcome.

Not wanting to have more sex

Some women are happy enough to just share intimate moments with their partner like holding hands and cuddling and don’t necessarily want to have more sex than they are having. Another reason is women have lower sex drives than men and are content with what they get. It’s important as well to note that some women are asexual and although they are in romantic relationships they simply don’t desire or have interest in the sex.

Being with the same partner for a long time

This is very true as the women who had the most sex had been with their partner for less than a year.  In the early days of a relationship it’s common to have lots of sex as it’s so new but over time that does tend to wear off. Sometimes the sex does decrease after you’ve been together for a long time. This can be for reasons such as busy work schedules, children, family commitments, housework and having a hectic social life. This is not necessarily a bad thing as a good relationship is about sharing and spending time together, not just about having sex.

Gender Dysphoria

This issue is common amongst transgendered women, especially during the transition period. Also some women can suffer from dysphoric feelings about their bodies that impact on how comfortable they feel in the bedroom.

Children

This was also a popular reason given as to why there is not more sex in the relationship. Children take up a lot of time and they can be quite exhausting which means by the time you finally collapse into bed of an evening all you want to do is sleep.

Money worries/working long hours

Women have less earning power than men and most lesbian couples both have to work full time to be able to pay the bills. Worrying about money or working long hours means that sex is probably the last thing on your mind.

Long distance relationships

There are not as many queer women as there are straight so we tend to meet people online or in social media groups that might not live in our area or even country. That means having more sex is impossible as you can only do it when you get the chance to meet up.

Menstruation
Our periods can be a real hassle at times, especially if you both menstruate at different times. That can mean up to two weeks of no sex every month if you don’t like to have sex while on your period.

Monogamy
35% of women who have been with their partner for 3 years or more and their relationship is monogamous have sex once a week or more on average. For non-monogamous couples in 3+ year relationships it was 55%.

Different sex drives
When a couple have different sex drives it can be hard to find a happy medium. One wants more sex and the other doesn’t want it. Finding a compromise can be difficult and this was another reason women stated they are not having more sex in their relationship.

7 Little Understood Rules That Lesbians Have In Relationships.

So many people have preconceptions regarding lesbian relationships and many think that we don’t have rules like hetro couples simply because we are two women. Well, let’s inform the misinformed and tell them the top rules that many of us gals follow when we are in a relationship.

We don’t define by gender

It’s very strange how many people believe that two women in a relationship take on certain gender roles. Just because one of us may dress more feminine doesn’t mean to say we ‘keep house’ or if one of us has an outside job we ‘change lightbulbs and fix the car.’ There are no automatic gender roles and most women do things jointly or do the things they are stronger at. It’s that simple.

Not all lesbian couples are made up of one butch and one femme

This misconception must be the most common. People always tend to believe that one woman must be the ‘man’ in the relationship and the other the ‘woman.’ What a load of rubbish. Although there are couples that define as the butch and femme roles, many do not. Some lesbians do not identify as butch or femme and it’s just as common for two butches or two femmes to be a partnership.

Sex toys do not have to dominate in the bedroom

Yet another silly idea people have. It seems that unless we are using penetration with a sex toy we are not getting pleasure or having real sex. Using sex toys in the bedroom is something only the couple decide between them and one of our rules is to decide between the two of us whether we wish to use sex toys or not. Sex can be great with or without sex toys and many lesbians choose not to use them in the bedroom.

We don’t have to have sex every night

Just because we are two women together it doesn’t mean we have sex every night. Most women have sex because they feel like it and if they don’t feel like it they don’t have sex. Just because this could cause a problem in a heterosexual relationship does not mean we play by those rules and we have sex when we both want it, it’s that simple.

Because we are two women together doesn’t mean to say we are settling down

Why people assume that because two women are in a relationship it means they are going to settle down and be together forever is a bit strange. All relationships take time to make decisions like that and there is no rule stating that because we are together doesn’t mean to say we are making massive commitments until we both feel ready.

Cheating is still cheating

If you are in a relationship with someone the same rules apply as they do with all other couples. Cheating is cheating and unless we are in an open relationship most of us will not be happy of our boo cheats on us. Apparently some people think that if a lesbian cheats with a man that doesn’t count as cheating. Well it does.

Threesomes don’t come as standard

Participating in threesomes is not something many lesbians do. Of course some women might do so, but it’s something that can only be agreed between the couple. It comes down to the idea that women need a man to have sex. Well we are sorry to disappoint the men out there but we have good sex without male participation and we are not usually up for sharing ourselves with another person.

So hopefully the people out there that struggle to understand that lesbians also have rules in their relationships this little list can put them all straight.

How To Handle Being Someone’s Unrequited Love

The worst feeling in the world is when you realize that the person you love will never love you back. But it feels almost as bad to be the object of someone else’s affection, and to have to break her heart when you tell her that you just don’t feel the same.

Remember that it’s not your fault.

It’s hard to tell someone that you’re not interested, and you might blame yourself for hurting her – or she might blame you. But it’s not your fault. She is completely responsible for her own feelings, so as long as you weren’t deliberately leading her on for your own amusement, don’t feel guilty.

Be honest.

Your first instinct might be to spare her feelings with a white lie, but you need to be honest. Even if the truth hurts. Don’t lie and say that you have feelings too, because that will either give her false hope or shackle you to a relationship that you don’t want, which will be excruciatingly painful in the long run.

Be direct.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t give excuses for why you cannot reciprocate her affections. Don’t send mixed messages. Don’t tell her that your affections might change in the future. And if you don’t feel the same way about her, don’t tell her that you’ll think about it, because that will only draw out the pain.

Ask her what she needs next.

If this person is your close friend, maybe she wants to continue being friends as if nothing happened. On the opposite end, maybe she needs to take a break from your friendship. If she asks for space, give her space. If she needs to completely remove you from her life – unfollowing your social media accounts and deleting your number – don’t take offense. Respect what she needs.

Don’t take advantage of her.

It’s easy to unwittingly take advantage of someone after she admit that she likes you. After all, her crush is flattering. Don’t blur the line between friendship and romance by doing things that could be confused as having affections for her, such as asking her on one-on-one outings or buying her meals. Don’t send her pictures fishing for compliments, flirt with her for fun, or ask her for special favors. It might seem harmless on your end, but you’re playing her like a toy.

Respect her privacy.

It’s okay to tell a few trusted friends what happened. After all, you might need to process your emotions. But don’t tell every single person you know. Don’t post it to social media, and resist the urge to subtweet.

You might feel bad for not returning someone’s feelings, but as long as you handle the situation tactfully, everything will be okay!