When it comes to having better sex, most people turn to new positions or fancier toys. The truth is, people have been having great sex for a lot longer than these more modern additions have been around – so there’s really no need to go overboard with your solutions.

If you’re looking for some scientifically-proven ways to improve your sex life, without any complicated steps, check out the following 7 tips. Try them tonight – you never know what you might be missing!

1. Dim the lights.

In a perfect world, every sexual experience would be surrounded by soft yellow twinkle lights and sensual slow jams. It might sound a bit cheesy, but there’s a reason these things are featured in so many romantic movies: They help calm the nerves and lower your inhibitions, both of which are helpful to having amazing sex. All too often, we try to get intimate under harsh bulbs or complete darkness. Neither of these is flattering, and the added self-consciousness can really put a damper on the mood – even if you don’t realize it’s affecting you!

2. Get clean.

Although many people swear by the effects of human pheromones, and it’s even been speculated that lesbians have their own specific pheromones, there’s no conclusive evidence that says there is a human pheromone responsible for attraction. Until such a pheromone is discovered – and we find a way to harness it – you’re better to wash up before sex, and put on a perfume, cologne, or body spray that your partner likes. Don’t forget to scrub under your fingernails!

3. Give each other sensual massages – with oil.

Not only can the day-to-day stresses of life work against your sexual prowess, there’s also a strong connection between physical contact and oxytocin production. (This would be the same oxytocin that’s produced when you have an orgasm, just so we’re clear.) The combination of stress-reduction and hormone-production, with the sensual feel of slippery massage oils, creates the perfect mindset for amazing, passionate sex.

4. Tell her she looks (and tastes) good.

It’s no surprise that confidence is one of the cornerstones of sexual satisfaction, too – and if your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s beautiful, she’s less likely to enjoy sex. For many women – even otherwise confident women – their vagina and vulva is a source of insecurity, because the porn industry glorifies vulvas and labias that all look exactly the same. Remind your girlfriend that hers is the best because it’s all yours, and enjoy the extra boost it gives to her mental orgasm.

5. Eat better foods.

Eating healthier is often a solution to many problems, and your sex life can get some benefits from a better diet, too. Make sure you’re eating plenty of dark green vegetables, brightly-colored fruits, and lean proteins. These will make sure you’re getting all the nutrients you need to stay running for longer, without weighing you down and making you bloated.

6. Slow it down.

There’s a lot to be said about suspense, and doing a sexy strip tease for your partner sure helps to build the suspense. In a perfect sexual situation, both partners would drag on teasing each other until neither could resist, but in the real world, it’s a little difficult – so just focus on slowing down the things you can reasonably slow down, and save your strength for the things that need it.

7. Learn her favorites.

Lastly, you need to remember that every woman is different, and the skills you picked up with your ex might not do anything for your current partner. Find the time to talk to her – preferably when you’re not having sex – to find out the things that she enjoys most. If the receiving partner is enjoying herself more, the giving partner is bound to enjoy herself more, too. (Plus, your partner will appreciate that you care enough to ask ahead of time – it shows you want to be prepared.)

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For the vast majority of the sexually-active population, the orgasm is the cornerstone of any “good” sexual activity.

Even though everything leading up to the orgasm (usually) feels pretty good too, getting stuck right before the climax really stinks.

There are a number of different reasons why it might be more difficult to get off, but they’re all pretty equally frustrating when they start to ruin the moment.

Thankfully, most of them are temporary or fixable problems. No matter what you’re going through, we’re going to walk you through 10 of the most common reasons it might be a little harder (and some things you can do to try and help).

1. Are you trying to rush things?

When one partner is significantly more enthusiastic than the other, there’s a good chance that things are going to get rushed along (however unintentionally it may be). It can also happen if one partner takes a little longer to warm up than the other – creating conflicting timelines as far as the ideal pace. Most of the time, this can be fixed with a little communication from the partner who feels rushed.

2. Are you trying too hard?

Similar to rushing, we can sometimes get too anxious about “getting the job done” that we actually gloss over all the parts that help get there. When the primary focus is the orgasm itself, rather than the things leading up to an orgasm, your body is significantly less likely to respond the way your partner would like it to. This can occur if either partner is trying too hard, so you’ll both need to make sure you keep things in perspective. Try taking the orgasm out of the equation entirely – many people find that they’re more aroused if they’re “not allowed” to climax.

3. Are you setting the wrong mood?

Believe it or not, bad lighting can seriously put a damper on your sex drive. Many women choose to have sex in the dark or under harsh overhead lighting, but that’s not necessarily the most conducive to great sex. Instead, try a more romantic atmosphere, such as twinkle lights or a soft red. Avoid any vibrant colors, as they can be distracting, and in some cases even cause added stress and depression.

4. Are you too drunk?

It’s one of the cruelest tricks of the human body: Intoxication makes your brain super horny, and your sexual organs totally useless. It happens most with depressants, such as alcohol and marijuana, but can happen with some prescription medications as well. While it might be tempting to have a go once you’re wasted, your experience will be a lot better if you wait until you sober up.

5. Are you distracted?

Once we transition from hormonal teenager to productive adult, our sex drive and our priorities make a mad dash in opposite directions. Remember back when sex was a distraction from the other areas of your life? Unfortunately, that’s usually not the case when you’re an adult. If you’re thinking about work, or your body image, or what you’re going to make for lunch tomorrow, you’re probably not going to orgasm. Try to clear your mind with a warm bath, a sensual massage, or a quick jog. If you’ve got the television on, turn it off – or switch it to music. Right now, your focus should be on each other – not on the problems of the day.

6. Are you at risk of being interrupted?

Unless you and your partner live alone, without any pets, or phones, or neighbors… You’ve always got some risk of being interrupted, but if the risk is so high that it’s keeping your attention other places, you should address the issues before trying to get intimate. Lock the door, close the curtains, and silence your cell phone. If you have pets, put them in the other room. You need to allow yourself a sexual sanctuary – so create one!

7. Are you stressed out or anxious?

Yet another cruel joke our bodies play on us, the chemicals and hormones produced in the brain during an orgasm are pretty much an immediate stress-and-anxiety buster. The only problem is that, for most women, stress and anxiety make orgasm pretty much impossible. Thankfully, if you practice some of those not-quite-as-effective stress-relieving techniques before you dive in between the sheets, it’s a little easier to get the process started, making it that much more likely that you’ll be able to finish.

8. Are you dehydrated?

Believe it or not, dehydration could be causing a number of problems in your life – even if you don’t really feel thirsty. Since the human body is made up almost entirely of water, staying hydrated is essential. Try keeping a bottle of water or Gatorade on your night stand to refuel before, during, and after, as necessary. Sex tends to be a particularly wet activity, and if you’re not producing enough moisture, it can seriously impact your ability to climax.

9. Are you having trouble breathing?

When you feel yourself start getting close, it’s normal to hold your breath, cover your face, or simply focus on what’s going on and totally forget to breathe. It’s not exactly ideal, though, because oxygen is literally just as important to your body as water – and you really aren’t going to be able to climax without breathing. Make sure you can breathe comfortably, and try to take yoga breaths as much as possible. It’ll help keep you in the moment and make sure you don’t pass out – it’s a win-win!

10. Are you in an unhealthy relationship?

Finally, there is a very unfortunate possibility that your relationship is why you can’t orgasm. If you or your partner is feeling guilt, shame, or jealousy surrounding your relationship, your conscious brain is going to try to keep your unconscious brain from releasing those bonding chemicals. Its easiest way to do that is to block you from having an orgasm – so that’s what it does.

Sadly, some of us choose to stay in relationships that we know are unhealthy, just because the sex is so good. But, over time, the sex isn’t as good, because somewhere in your mind, you know that your partner is wrong for you. Your brain is battling it out and trying to make you not want to have sex with this person anymore. The only solution in this scenario is to consciously choose not to have sex with people who aren’t good to you – and that can be a really, really difficult choice to make. Trust me, though – you deserve it!

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When’s the last time you and your girlfriend sat down and had a serious talk about your sex life? Chances are, it’s probably been a little too long. Most of us aren’t comfortable discussing our sexual needs with one another, which really is unfortunate. After all, you’re not a mind reader, and neither is your partner – how are you supposed to know what remains unsaid?

Thankfully, even though we all have different criteria, there are 8 main things that all women want – and you may be skimping on the things your girlfriend needs the most. How many are you keeping up on?

Creativity.

One of the fastest ways to let your sex life get stagnant is to do the same thing every time. Mix it up a little bit! Try new things! Maybe even get some costumes, or adopt an alter-ego. It’s fine to have your favorite positions, but if you limit yourself to just the favorites, you could be missing out on your new favorite, so don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

Enthusiasm.

One of the most important aspects of a great sexual experience, but also one of the most overlooked, is the excitement between the partners involved. In any sexual interaction, all parties should be 100% on board with and sufficiently aroused by the thought of what’s about to happen. Enthusiasm isn’t going to do all the work for you, but it should be there before you get started.

Foreplay.

Even if your girlfriend doesn’t think she needs it, spending proper time on foreplay makes all the difference. Women who can’t get off from direct stimulation obviously receive the most benefit from the extra attention, since they need a little more to get the job done. But women who do orgasm just from direct stimulation receive a nice surprise, too – there’s a whole new world once you start adding in the extras. And, more foreplay without focusing on reaching orgasm has its own benefits, too – like a closer, more intimate relationship, and increased sexual excitement. You’re welcome.

Honesty.

For most women, this is the single most important facet of our sexual relationships: The degree to which we can trust our sexual partner(s). After all, honesty is the line drawn between “open relationships” and “affairs”, as well as the line between a fake orgasm and a real one. Without honesty between sexual partners, the risk of STDs and broken hearts rises exponentially, so it’s important to remember that your choices affect her, too.

Input.

There’s this joke that sex is like pizza – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. For the most part, that’s true, too – unless you’re not communicating with your partner during sex. You don’t have to toss out pornstar moans or narrate every second, but there should be some feedback to let her know you’re enjoying yourself – or, if you’re not enjoying yourself, how she can fix that. Even seasoned pros need a little reassurance sometimes, so make sure you’re not just lying there quietly.

Privacy.

We all have that one friend whose mere presence in our life incites a sense of constant gossip. Somehow, this friend even manages to convince us to gossip about ourselves and our relationships. In the heat of the conversation, we sometimes forget that we’re not the only person we’re gossiping about. It’s hard to avoid the trap every time, but try to keep a little privacy surrounding your sex life – if they weren’t there, it’s not their business.

Romance.

I understand that it’s easy to forget the “love” part of “making love” after a few years – we get caught up in life and forget to make time for our partner. While you should be trying to show affection outside of the bedroom, too, one of the easiest places to incorporate the romance is right into your sexual routine! Every now and then, opt for candlelight, slow jams, and total dedication – it creates an entirely different experience.

You.

Finally, one of the most important things to remember about what your partner wants in the bedroom is that she wants you – otherwise she wouldn’t be having sex with you. When things start to get a little rocky, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong with us, but more often than not, that’s just our self-esteem kicking us in the ass. Most women won’t have sex with someone they’re not into, so just the fact that she’s there should help calm your nerves and settle any nerves. Confidence is sexy – so own it!

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Finding out that your partner has been faking her orgasms is one of the most embarrassing things that could happen in a relationship.

The person who was faking is embarrassed, because she’s been caught in an act. The person who caught her is embarrassed, because she thought she was doing a better job.

Since both people are a little humiliated by the ordeal, it can be really difficult to talk about the underlying causes.

While talking to your partner is the most effective and reliable way to understand your own particular situation, we’ve collected a few of the most common reasons why someone might fake it. Of course, it’s also possible that she’s not that into you – but, that reason doesn’t happen nearly as often as our performance anxiety might make us think.

Which of these do you think is true in your situation?

She’s trying to further stimulate herself (or you).

It’s been encoded into our DNA for thousands and thousands of years (if not a lot longer than that) to be sexually aroused when we hear sex noises – even if they’re our own sex noises, or obviously fake sex noises, and yes, even our own obviously fake sex noises. Many women will fake sexual gratification in order to bring themselves closer to a real orgasm, or to get their partner more into the act.

She doesn’t know what she likes.

Less experienced women who don’t quite know what they want yet might go along with whatever their partner suggests, out of paranoia that they’re “supposed” to like what their partner does all the time. Maybe she’s not inexperienced, but she’s never had a partner who cared about her sexual satisfaction – this, too, can cause her to not know what she likes.

She’s never had a real orgasm.

Many women suffer from some type of female anorgasmia – a condition in which the woman is unable to reach orgasm through sexual stimulation. There are varying levels of anorgasmia that range from occasional difficulties reaching climax, all the way to complete anorgasmia, where the person would have never had an orgasm in their life, even through masturbation.

She’s not comfortable discussing her sexual desires.

Even though the world at large is becoming a much more sex-positive place, there are still many women who don’t feel comfortable discussing the things they want in the bedroom – even with their own partners. It may be necessary to start building up trust and confidence in the other areas of your relationship, before you begin asking her specifically what she wants. In many cases, if someone isn’t ready to talk about sex, they’re not actually ready to have sex, though, so proceed with caution.

She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Often, women who have previously been in abusive relationships are used to the expectation that things have to be done according to their partner’s wishes. Even though you don’t treat her the same way her ex does, she’s afraid of upsetting you with the truth that she’s not getting off. Perhaps she had an ex who made her feel like it was her fault that she couldn’t orgasm. No matter what the original cause, she thinks that it’s better to fake an orgasm than risk seeing you upset.

She thinks she has to.

Many women who have trouble reaching orgasm feel a lot of guilt about it. She may be embarrassed that she’s taking as long as she needs to, or she might be conditioned to think that orgasms are a required part of sex. It’s important that you let her know that you’re not going to be upset if she can’t get there, and that you’re in it for her – not because you want to take shortcuts. It might take a long time to break her out of the ways she’s been conditioned, but if you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm, you need to let her know that it’s not your only focus.

Let’s take a little informal survey here: When’s the last time you had sex someplace that wasn’t your bedroom or bathroom?

When I was 18-20 years old, I almost exclusively had sex in so-called crazy places.

I lost my virginity in a treehouse; I’ve had sex in numerous public restrooms (without anyone waiting for the toilet, of course – I’m not rude); and, admittedly, I’ve had sex in one or two movie theaters, too. (As a side note, I’m not actually recommending this one – it’s gross and inconsiderate and probably illegal, too.)

Somewhere in my mid-20s, I seem to have lost some of my sexual adventure. Sure, I still have sex in places that aren’t my bedroom, but significantly less often than I have plain, boring, bed sex.

There’s just something so much more exciting about a new and strange place – and I’m going to lay out a bucket list of strange places you should try (at least once). Do you have any more to add to our list? Drop it in the comments!

1. In the pool or hot tub.

Just make sure it’s not a public pool or hot tub – there may be cameras!

2. At school/college/university.

This one might be easiest if you’re dating a professor with her own private office…

3. At work.

For best results, make sure you don’t get caught!

4. In a barn.

Haven’t you always wanted a romp in the hay?

5. On a plane.

It takes some flexibility, but this one should be on everybody’s bucket list.

6. In an elevator.

Best for quickies or totally tease-worthy foreplay.

7. In the bed of a truck. (The deck of a U-Haul can also work.)

Car sex is good, but truck sex is better.

8. On a boat.

I’m pretty sure everyone who had already been through puberty when Titanic came out has thought about boat sex at least once or twice.

9. In a tent.

Only nature sounds to drown out your sounds? Yes, please.

10. In your parents’ house.

Note: I did not say in their bed. That is totally rude. But up against the bathroom wall? Totally fair game.

11. On the floor.

Maybe this one’s a little basic, but it’s worth doing at least once (a month).

12. In a locker room.

You think it’s a coincidence that teen lesbian movies always have locker room scenes? Not in the least.

13. In a closet.

If you’ve got a gorgeous walk-in, feel free to treat it like your secret love cave. (And the “closet” jokes afterward are pretty much mandatory.)

14. In the woods.

Scattered moonlight and gentle bird songs… Just make sure you avoid poisonous plants!

15. In a dressing room.

Just remember to stay quiet. (Or don’t – it’s your call.)

16. Up against a window.

For those who really want to risk getting caught – put it on display!

17. In a limo.

Driver, roll up the partition, please.

18. At the library.

The truest test of your ability to stay quiet – there’s nothing to mask the noises you make, except billions and billions of pages…

19. On top of the washer/dryer.

Let me tell you, that rumbling might just do half the work for you.

20. On the kitchen counter.

Watch out for knives (and crumbs)!

21. In the ocean.

Let the gentle rocking of the waves lead you on your voyage to Orgasm Town.

22. At a park.

Just make sure it’s well after dark and you do not get caught – you will get a ticket.

23. At church.

Let her ring your bell in a house of worship!

24. On a train.

The rumble, the mystery, the beautiful scenery…

25. Against a wall.

Any wall. Doors work too.

26. In the shower.

This one is totally a pain, but it’s super sexy if you pull it off right.

27. On an amusement park ride.

Risk of getting caught: Super high. Risk of major excitement: Totally unavoidable.

28. In your car.

Back seat, front seat, front bumper… Doesn’t matter. Car sex is awesome.

29. On your roof.

If you live far enough away from your neighbors – and feel confident that you won’t fall to your untimely demise – this one can be a lot of fun.

30. On a staircase.

It’s not the easiest, but when you can’t wait until you get all the way to your bedroom…

31. In a cemetery.

It takes a special sort of woman to have sex when surrounded by dead bodies.

32. On your local sports field.

Touchdown – goal – home run… Whatever the case, make sure you get yours!

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I’ve always had a really, really difficult time being fully satisfied in the bedroom. It’s not that I’m not attracted to the people I sleep with, or that they’re not good at what they do. Sometimes, I just can’t get off – and believe me, it’s just as frustrating to me as it is to them.

For whatever reason, some women just have a harder time reaching orgasm than others. For a long time, I thought it meant there was something wrong with me. But there’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with you if it’s difficult for you, too. Here are 7 things that might go through your mind when you realize that it’s just not going to happen – and what to do about each one.

1. “I’m so horny – what gives?!”

Believe it or not, your ability to orgasm doesn’t really have much to do with your sexual arousal. Some women can have an orgasm while running, or giving birth, or even while standing there minding their own business. Likewise, there are women who can’t orgasm, even if they’re painfully close and super into it.

This phenomenon is called “arousal nonconcordance”, which is just a fancy science-y way to say that your brain and your nerve endings are not on the same page.

Your body can experience similar nonconcordance in other situations, too, but arousal nonconcordance is definitely one of the most frustrating. According to sex expert Emily Nagoski, your brain and your body only agree about 10% of the time – so it’s statistically more likely for you to not get off.

2. “But she’s always been able to get me off before.”

Almost as frustrating as thought #1, there’s the frustration that your partner is suddenly not doing as great of a job as she usually does. While it might seem that the blame should fall squarely on her shoulders, that’s not necessarily the case.

In some cases, a partner who’s suddenly unable to bring you to climax can indicate that she has other things going on in her life, that may or may not have anything to do with you. For example, if she’s been stressed at work, she might have a hard time focusing enough attention on the right areas while she’s pleasuring you. Likewise, if your relationship is on the rocks, there’s a chance that guilt can come through and wreak havoc on your sex life. This usually isn’t a permanent condition, but it may take a substantial amount of effort to get back to the sex you used to have.

In other cases, it might be your life that’s got too much going on to perform in the bedroom. Do thoughts of work or money or household chores get a chance to show up in your sexual sanctuary? While it’s difficult (and ill-advised) to completely compartmentalize your life, you do need to establish healthy boundaries and limits. Focus on work when it’s time for work, but make sure you’re focusing on your partner when it’s time to focus on your partner.

3. “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, the short answer is: Probably nothing. Certain medications are known to interact with your libido in weird ways, so if you’re on any prescriptions, you could try talking to your doctor about getting them changed. Likewise, it’s common to be unable to orgasm when you’re under the influence of alcohol or some drugs. In most cases, once you stop taking, drinking, or using whatever was messing with your sex drive, things should go back to normal pretty soon.

It’s also important to realize that, in some cases, a sudden change in your ability to orgasm can indicate a more serious issue, such as mental illness or diabetes. If you’re concerned, it’s never a bad idea to speak with your doctor, just to rule out any chance of a bigger problem. It’s better to know for sure than to keep wondering!

4. “My ex would have known how to get me off.”

This one comes up a lot when you’re fresh out of a break-up and scrambling around under the sheets with the Rebound Girl. We know that rebound sex is a bad idea, but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. It’s almost encoded into our DNA to fuck out all our frustrations. And sometimes, it’s a good idea!

But when you’re having sex purely because you’re upset – especially if you’re having sex with someone just to spite your feelings – you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Not only are you comparing completely unrelated experiences, but you’re also leaving your ex some room in your sex life that she doesn’t deserve. To top it all off, you may also be taking advantage of someone else’s feelings, which can cause guilt to mess with you. Next time, avoid the guilt and the frustration by just masturbating before you go out. Trust me on this one.

5. “I wish she’d just ______.”

One of the worst excuses for not enjoying your sexual experiences is to just write off your partner’s ability to get you there. Just because she isn’t doing the things you want her to do doesn’t mean she won’t – but she can’t read your mind! You actually have to be proactive and ask for the things you want, otherwise you can never expect to get them. Sure, your girlfriend might guess right eventually, but why settle for mediocre sex until then? Speak up about the things you want in the bedroom, and do your best to accommodate your girlfriend’s wants, too.

You’re not always going to agree on the things that get you off, and that’s okay. A healthy sex life requires that you learn each other’s bodies and get to know what makes your partner happy. After all, if you’re only worried about getting yourself off, you might as well just do it solo, right? Right – so let’s move on.

What do you do if your partner is totally unwilling to do the things you want in the bedroom – even after you’ve asked? Unfortunately, there is such a thing as incompatible sexual desires. No matter how much you care about a person, you can’t force a spark that isn’t there, and if your sexual desires are that important to you, you might need to find a new partner.

6. “Am I ever going to be able to?”

According to Healthline, orgasmic dysfunction comes in a number of different varieties. Some women never have an orgasm, while others have difficulties or must have certain sexual activities in order to climax. There are some women who go through periods of anorgasmia (another name for female orgasmic dysfunction) and have other periods where their sex life is much more climactic. There’s no real way to know what the answer will be for you, unless you try out your options.

Additionally, at least to some degree, your experience and how long you’ve been sexually active may impact your ability to orgasm, too. It’s highly unlikely that your very first partner will get the job done for you, and it’s also unlikely that any partner will be able to make you orgasm when you’ve just started dating. Everyone’s sexual wants and needs are different, and it takes time to learn your own, as well as to learn others. Don’t rush into things – if it’s going to happen, it’ll happen. If it’s not going to happen, you might as well learn to enjoy taking the scenic route.

7. “I don’t even mind – I’m still having a good time!”

Our final group of not-orgasming women don’t really care that they’re not climaxing. They enjoy their sexual experience as it is, and don’t necessarily need to orgasm in order to enjoy themselves. If you’re one of these women, don’t worry – you’re totally normal, too.

In most cases, sex is going to feel good, regardless of the eventual outcome. When you’re with someone you truly care about, spending time together, and being sexually stimulated, you’re still forming a bond with that person. Make sure you let her know that you are enjoying yourself, and that she shouldn’t put so much focus on the finish line.

No matter which of these categories you fall into, there’s nothing wrong with not being able to orgasm – whether it’s occasionally, most of the time, or even every time. Sex is about so much more than just getting off, and if you’re too preoccupied with getting things done, you won’t be able to appreciate taking your time. Besides, high stress levels are known to make orgasm more difficult – so why stress yourself out even more?

No matter what your particular situation is or how long you’ve been there, it’s important to remember that you are in charge of your own sexual satisfaction. If your needs aren’t being met, speak up! But if they are, feel free to say that, too. All too often we put the emphasis on the wrong areas, and that leads to more disappointment than the orgasm is worth. Just relax, and take it easy – your sex life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time.

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Can we take a minute to talk about the realm of human sexuality?

It’s kinda crazy to think about the things that turn us on. I’ve talked to a bunch of my friends about the fantasies they have, and while some of them were hesitant to chime in, many others happily divulged their vulgar sex dreams, their biggest desires, and the fantasies that confused them the most.

The most common “confusing fantasies” I heard were friends who said they often found themselves fantasizing about their non-preferred gender – i.e. straight friends having fantasies of gay/lesbian sex, or gay/lesbian friends having fantasies about the opposite gender. I didn’t want to admit to myself, but I’ve actually had those types of fantasies, too – and even briefly entertained the idea of dating my male best friend, just because I thought I was seriously confused.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, though: You can fantasize about the opposite sex and not be confused. You can fantasize about the same sex and not be confused. The things that you fantasize about actually have very little to do with your true desires – otherwise, I don’t think rape fantasies would be a real thing, or diaper fetishes for that matter.

Your fantasies are 100% their own monsters, largely unrelated to everything else. Don’t believe me?

We often fantasize about things we don’t quite understand.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the phenomenon in other areas of your life before: You’re going along, minding your own business, when suddenly you can’t help yourself – you’re pulled into a daydream about something completely random. You know the things you’re thinking don’t exactly make sense, but you don’t have all the information for your brain to put together the right answer – so it guesses.

This is basically the mental equivalent of when you know the right word, and were thinking of the right word, but for some unknown reason, you say the wrong word. Your brain took some shortcuts and filled in the information and, basically, screwed it all up. This type of fantasy is significantly more likely to happen when you’re tired, sick, or distracted. The only thing you can really do about this one is accept that it’s going to happen sometimes and move forward.

We often fantasize when we’re worried we’re missing out.

If you’ve never had sex with a man – or even given any serious thought to the idea – but have straight and bi friends, it’s perfectly normal to think about the “what-if’s”. It can even happen when these criteria aren’t met, because our brain is – yet again – screwing it all up. If you’ve ever been on a diet or any other restrictive (but voluntary) life changes, you should understand this one a little deeper.

Let me put this another way: You’ve decided that you’re not going to drink anymore, because you don’t really drink that often anyway, or maybe you’ve got something else going on in your life and drinking would interfere with that. Now, suddenly, even though it was never really a desire before, you can’t stop thinking about it! (Thanks a lot, stupid brain.) This type of fantasy is most common when we’re in a serious relationship. You always want something more when you can’t have it, and committing to spend the rest of your life with your current partner is a huge decision.

Our fantasies don’t explicitly reflect our desires.

One of my biggest sexual fantasies is to have sex somewhere incredibly public – such as on a stage or a live webcam feed – but I would never actually let someone watch me have sex (unless it was the person I was having sex with at the time). I also fantasize about having some huge horror-themed haunted house wedding, but more likely I’m going to elope so I don’t draw attention to myself. Does this mean that my fantasies are “wrong”? Well, sort of.

The truth is, our fantasy scenarios aren’t much different from dreams. Both are largely uncontrollable, and largely unconscious. I’m sure you’ve probably had a dream that you really wished you could have woken up from – so why wouldn’t you have fantasies you wished you didn’t have? Once you start manipulating your fantasies, you enter an entirely new level of lucid dreaming and thought – but we’re not going to get into that right now.

Your sexuality probably isn’t black-and-white – but that doesn’t mean it’s invalid.

Let’s picture the plane of human sexuality as a bunch of intersecting triangles. One triangle represents your gender identity – male, female, or neither. Another triangle represents your romantic interests – male, female, or neither. The third triangle represents your sexual interests – again, male, female, or neither. Finally, we have some random points that represents your intellectual interests, which aren’t even necessarily sexual at all.

Your “position” on each of the triangles is most likely going to fall somewhere on the surface, instead of on the edges. Once you factor in the differences between biological, mental, and hormonal gender, things get really complicated. But, let’s face it – geometry and algebra are terrible, and no one actually wants to sit down and fully evaluate their life just to quantify things and put a label on it. So, instead, we come up with our own identities – and, throughout the course of our lives, we’ll define what that means for us.

It’s not uncommon – it’s just not out in the open.

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I remember back when I was on the online dating scene. There didn’t really seem to be any consistency between the women I was matched with – despite every site claiming they’ve got “the best” matching algorithms – and, more than once, I’d been matched with someone who I’d already asked out in the real world and been shot down in a rush. (I tried to convince them that it meant I was right about us, but they didn’t buy it.)

However, one of the things that stuck out to me most is the amount of judgey-ness I saw on those sites. I’d run across women who had boyfriends – or even husbands – but expected their female partners to be totally faithful (yes, even when they were looking for more than one).

I’d run across women who were “totally straight, but instant messaging didn’t count”. I even ran across a few women who said that they’d hate for their partners to touch themselves.

One in particular even said that she wanted someone who never masturbated – even when they were single.

Lol, what? Good luck, lady.

I’m not trying to tell you that you have to masturbate. Your body is your body and no one should be able to tell you what you can or can’t do with it. But, by that same token, your partner’s body is her body – pure and simple.

This means that, quite frankly, you have no right to tell her she can’t masturbate – just as you don’t have the right to tell her that she has to have sex with you.

And it doesn’t matter what your official relationship title is, or your sexual orientation, or even the way you feel about masturbation.

You don’t have to like it – but if she does, you need to respect that.

What if you and your partner are sexually active, but she’d rather do the deed herself than let you handle things for her? I’ve been in that position before, and it kinda sucks. That doesn’t mean you get to dictate what she does with her body, though – it’s still her body.

If she’s more comfortable (or more satisfied) doing things on her own, why not ask her if you can watch, or have a mutual masturbation session, instead of regular sex?

This sexy little deed allows you to get the passionate closeness of the sexual experience, but with the perfect control of masturbation. It’s the best of both worlds, and no one gets to be jealous!

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Most of us went to sex ed in high school, right? I was lucky enough to grow up in one of the most liberal states in the US, so I remember getting sex ed classes in fifth grade. We never really went too far into detail, and we never touched on the possibility of same-sex-tendencies – despite several of the other girls in my year being just as curious as I was at the time. (They turned out to be straight, though.)

No one ever really talks about lesbian sex, either – at least, not from the perspective of learning. It’s pretty much just accepted that lesbian sex is the “safest option”. After all, we can’t get anyone pregnant, and we’re at a lower risk for STDs… Right?

Totally wrong. Here are 30 things I learned as an adult that I really wish I would have learned when I was still a teenager.

1. Lube is a good thing.

For some reason, when I was a sexually-curious teenager, I had this idea that “personal lubricant” was for little old ladies. Then, a girlfriend got me some for my 19^th birthday, and it was a game-changer. Most women (and men) use lube sometimes to give the sex a slipperier feeling. There’s not even anything wrong with needing it all the time. Our bodies are all different, and sometimes sex is uncomfortable when things are a little too dry. Don’t be afraid to bring in some outside help.

2. Not everyone is honest about their intentions.

This is something that most of us learn the hard way. No matter how honest or caring of a person you may be, there’s going to be some asshole who comes along one day and completely destroys your life just because they wanted to have sex. This person is 100% an asshole and it’s not your fault. Keep doing you, and be honest with the people you have sex with. They don’t necessarily need to know your whole life story, but they should at least understand their place in it.

3. It’s not always going to be very good.

In fact, the first few times are probably going to be terrible. And your first few times with a new partner are going to be terrible. And it’s probably going to be terrible on those days when you can’t even bother to brush your hair. Basically, your sex life isn’t going to be perfect, no matter how much you want it to be.

4. Baby oil is NOT a good substitute for lube.

Any oily substances are probably not the greatest idea for lube, because they have a tendency to heat up with friction – yikes! They can also degrade silicone and latex products (such as toys and condoms) and they’re super, super hard to wash out of practically everything. Play it safe, and go with some real lube. It’s really not that expensive.

5. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating.

Masturbating gets a bad rap from a lot of people, but it’s really the most efficient way to get an idea of what your body responds to. Besides that, it just plain feels good – so give yourself some special attention every now and then. If you want to bring a little spice into the bedroom, consider masturbating in front of each other without being allowed to touch – you’d be amazed at how sexy that can be.

6. Neither porn or chick flicks are good representations of the sexual experience.

Even most lesbian movies have bad representations of what “good sex” looks like. They’re generally done with either artistic or erotic license – which means the director is going to choose the moves that look the best on camera, not the ones that have the highest success rate. That doesn’t mean you can’t pick up some new ideas, but remember – the people on screen are actors and actresses, and there’s a very high chance they’re faking it.

7. Everyone has their own kinks. Make them work for you.

At some primal level, everyone is into their own freaky sh*t. Unfortunately, all too many of us think we need to hide the things that turn us on for no apparent reason. Contrary to what a grossed-out ex might have told you, there is nothing wrong with your fetish, as long as you’re acting on it with other consenting adults only.

8. It’s worth learning about anatomy.

Even if you’re pretty sure you know where everything is, you probably still want to check out some diagrams, if you have any hopes of giving a partner good sex – or, for directing a partner to give you better sex. Sure, you have a basic idea of where everything is, but unless you’ve got a really patient girlfriend who’s willing to let you push, pull, and poke at everything down there while you figure out what you’re doing… You’re gonna want to crack open a book.

9. Embarrassing noises and smells are (usually) normal. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

No matter what you eat or how often you wash, your vaginal area is pretty much always going to taste the way it does. When it’s clean, it’ll be a little softer scented, and when you’ve been working out, it’ll be a little more concentrated – but the smell itself doesn’t really change that much. (In fact, if you do notice a significant change, it’s a sign you should go get checked out – it could be a sign of infection.) Likewise, vacuums (such as the ones created when someone is vigorously thrusting into a deep, moist hole) tend to make some noise.

10. It’s highly improbable that someone is going to get you off the first time.

This goes for your first time having sex ever, as well as your first time with a new partner. It takes time to get to know a person, and it takes time to get to know their body, too. While it’s totally awesome if you can find a partner who takes you to the clouds every time, you shouldn’t count on it.

11. It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time or your thousandth – the same rules still apply.

You’re never under any obligation to have sex with someone, even when you’ve had sex with them before, or if you’ve had sex with a bunch of other people. Your body is still your body. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

12. Always, always visit the bathroom afterwards – even if you don’t think you need to.

Most of us are aware that you should pee after penetrative sex. But given the fact that the human mouth is one of the most bacteria-filled parts of the human anatomy, you really should be peeing and cleaning up after any sexual activity. It might seem like a pain, but trust me – a walk to the bathroom with the jelly legs is nothing compared to a UTI.

13. She should wash her hands before she touches you, TBH.

While we’re talking about places that are full of bacteria, the hands are also pretty gross. Think of how many things your partner might have touched between the last time she washed her hands and the time she touched you. If there’s anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable putting in your mouth, don’t let her put it in your vagina. No exceptions!

14. (As well as anything else that’s going to come into contact with your intimate bits.)

All toys should be washed before (and preferably after, too). Your sheets should be relatively clean, too, and the towel you use to wipe up probably shouldn’t have come from the bathroom floor. Remember: UTIs are bad.

15. Self-consciousness during sex really doesn’t make any sense.

After all, the reason you’re having sex with this person is because she’s totally into you and wants to have sex with you… Right? Why be shy in front of her? She’s there for a specific reason. Use that to boost your self-confidence and move forward.

16. You really don’t have to finish every time.

A lot of people judge their sexual satisfaction by whether or not they reached orgasm – but truthfully, you really don’t have to finish every time. You can enjoy yourself and still not climax. Likewise, you can climax and not actually enjoy yourself. The two don’t really have as much to do with each other as you might think.

17. Drunk sex is the literal worst.

I know how tempting it can be once you’ve had a few shots and your lady bits are feeling a bit tingly, but believe it or not, that feeling is your nerve endings shutting down for the night. That hyper-sensitivity you feel now is going to make you significantly less responsive, which will make you frustrated after you’ve spent an hour and a half trying to get into it. Plus, if your partner is drunk, too, she’s most likely not even going to be able to manage your bits properly. This combination makes for the worst sex ever.

18. Protection is no joke.

I’m not sure how the myth started that lesbians were immune to STDs, but it’s totally not true and really needs to end. Your own safety should be a primary concern for you, and you should take the initiative to be prepared. Get tested regularly, and insist that your partners do the same. Buy (and bring) your own protection, instead of relying on your girlfriend to handle it. And for crying out loud, if you do have something, tell your partner. She has the right to know all the information before she agrees to have sex with you.

19. You deserve respect from each and every sexual partner – including yourself.

All too often we allow ourselves to be manipulated by our sexual partners, or to completely disregard our own autonomy in favor of the collective unit. This is not the right way to handle things – your partner does not own you just because she turned you on, and you have the right to withhold sex until/unless she respects you. Just remember that you also have to respect yourself, or she’ll see right through you. You deserve the best!

20. For the love of all that is holy, tell her what you want.

No matter how much of a self-proclaimed sex goddess she insists she is, it’s literally impossible for her to know what you want. She might guess – and she might guess right a lot of the time! – but counting on her to read your mind is going to result in super disappointing sex. It’s not fair to keep your expectations to yourself, so be real with your girlfriend and let her know how to love you right.

21. You never “have to” do anything.

It’s totally normal to have your preferences, and to have certain expectations in your romantic relationships. But just because someone has preferences and expectations does not mean that their partner is required to follow through with them. If you’re not in the mood, say you’re not in the mood. If you’re not comfortable doing a particular sexual act, say you’re not comfortable with it. Don’t let your partner guilt you into doing something you really don’t want to do.

22. Faking it doesn’t really help anything.

I mean, there’s a school of thought that says that faking an orgasm can help you have a real orgasm – but I’m not really sure if I believe that. (That’s to say, I’ve never tried it out to see – feel free to leave your opinion in the comments below.) Faking it for the sake of saving your partner’s feelings, though, simply sets them up to be humiliated when they find out later that they suck in the sack. Suck it up and tell her the truth – most likely, she’ll take your tips and improve her game.

23. It’s really not a race.

Most of the people I’ve talked to over the course of my sexually-active life have agreed on one simple fact: They think they lost their virginity “too early”. We see on TV and in movies that “all the kids are doing it”, so we think that we have to do it. But the reality is that many people wait until they’re legal adults before they engage in sex for the first time, and most of the ones who didn’t, really wish they had.

24. Keep an open mind to new things, even if they don’t seem like things you’ll like.

It might seem contradictory compared to #21 – but you ought to keep an open mind when having sex with someone you trust and care about. You never really know if you’re going to like something until you try it. And, just because you didn’t like it with one partner doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t like it with another partner – so feel free to revisit things you’ve shot down before.

25. Period sex is not really as gross as it sounds.

I remember growing up and hearing about “getting your red wings” like it was this big gross thing that only the most perverted among us participated in. Then, as an adult, I had a girlfriend who convinced me to let her try it while I was having the worst PMS of my life – and it actually helped, a lot. Besides, if you’re using a tampon or menstrual cup, it’s really not all that different. Just make sure you wash up good afterwards (and definitely change any feminine hygiene products that were already in place).

26. Enthusiasm is almost as important as consent. Seriously.

When you’re having sex with someone, you shouldn’t settle for apathy. Every sexual experience should come with a whopping dose of excitement and desire – if it doesn’t, then this person is probably only having sex with you because they’re bored. That might be OK every now and then, but it’s not going to be very good if she’s not into it. Opt for enthusiastic yesses or wait for another day.

27. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re also allowed to not be picky.

Women sort of get the short end of the stick when it comes to our sexuality. We get shamed if we’re too picky, and we get shamed if we’re not picky enough. How about we all just agree to leave each other’s sex lives alone? The only person who should really care about your preferences in the bedroom are the person who’s in your bedroom.

28. You can like or love someone and still not want to have sex with them.

Just because someone makes you totally happy, totally head-over-heels, or even is super nice to you, that has no bearing on any so-called “obligations” you may have. You are never obligated to have (or want) sex with anyone, and it’s even entirely possible to be sexually attracted to a different gender than you’re romantically attracted to. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – it just means that you fall into one of the plentiful middle-areas on the spectrum of sexuality.

29. There’s no such thing as a “normal sex drive”. It’s a spectrum.

Just like there’s a spectrum of gender(s) you might be attracted to, there’s also a spectrum of how much sex you’re gonna want. Sometimes, you’ll want it every single day – maybe even all day long. There are also going to be sometimes when you’d rather poke your own eyes out with a rusty nail than to have sex with the person you’ve happily been having sex with for a long time. You can’t always explain it – although work, body image, and medications may all factor in – but you should feel confident knowing that it’s completely normal.

30. FOCUS!

When you’re on the receiving end of things, it’s all too easy to let our minds wander off in all sorts of directions. We start thinking about everything we need to do the next day, or the things that stressed us out at work, or the term paper we screwed up freshman year… Forget all that! When you’re having sex, you really need to be all in it. No distractions, no games, nothing but you and your partner. It’s hard, but trust me – that focus will pay off.

When we think about women who have a hard time reaching orgasm, we might scoff at the idea that it could happen to us. “Ha! I’m great in bed. I’ve never had a problem getting my girl off.” (© me, circa 2007.)

But just being good at what you do isn’t enough to guarantee your partner is going to thoroughly enjoy herself every time.

There are a number of things affecting her sex drive that have literally nothing to do with you, and to think it was all about your own skill would be just a bit narcissistic. (Hey, I was a teenager in 2007, so I was allowed to be a narcissist back then.)

According to a bunch of scientists from the International Society for Sexual Medicine, female sexual arousal disorders are a lot more common than we give them credit for.

Many women go through episodes of FSAD at least temporarily, while some women have a more chronic form of disorder.

There are a bunch of triggers involved with FSAD, and it’s not a simple take-this-and-you’re-cured scenario. Most of these triggers fall into one of the four following reasons:

She’s preoccupied.

One of the most common reasons a woman might have trouble reaching orgasm is because she has too much other stuff on her mind. Where we might assume that arousal requires more stimulation, in many cases it actually relies on less stressors – meaning you need to “switch off” your turn-offs before you can really “switch on” your arousal receptiveness. Try setting the scene for relaxation before you get intimate – it might help to give her a sensual massage, or stop by the grocery store so she doesn’t have to. Often, it only takes a small action to lighten her load and help her unwind.

Sometimes, the feelings of dread, anxiety, and worry are more than a favor or a back rub can help with. If your girlfriend seems to always have a lot on her plate, it might be helpful for her to speak to a therapist. Anxiety, depression, and a number of other mental illnesses can get in the way of day-to-day life and make it nearly impossible to keep up with what’s going on without you. Be supportive if she decides to pursue therapy – it’s a difficult decision and she needs someone in her corner.

She’s not turned on enough.

After you’ve been together for a while, it’s all too easy to forget the simple things that we used to do to get each other in the mood. Whenever you’re going through particularly big life changes, such as a move, a wedding, or a new child, it can be even more difficult to get turned on. But different people handle stressful situations in different ways – so you may be skipping foreplay to race to the end, right when she needs you to dedicate your energy on building up the finish.

These slight differences have a huge impact on our sex lives, and in my experience they tend to come at the worst time. If neither of you is paying attention to the progression, it’s easy to confuse “misplaced effort” with “incompatible sex drives”. The solution isn’t to try sex with other people – it’s to try different kinds of sex with each other. (And don’t rush into it – let it happen in its own time!)

She’s self-conscious.

One of the biggest stressors to affect our sexual arousal is self-consciousness and insecurity. We’d all like to pretend we’re perfectly confident in everything we are and everything we do, but the reality is that’s unattainable – at least for the large majority of us. So, we put on a brave face and hide the things we think are our weaknesses. But when you’re laid out naked in front of someone – physically and emotionally – our insecurities might just get a little more of our attention. Body image issues, concern about the way we smell or taste, or even feelings of guilt can work their way in at the worst time and just fuck up your whole day.

Unfortunately, self-confidence doesn’t come from other people – it comes from within. That means it’s super, super hard for you to actually influence someone else’s way of thinking about themselves. The most obvious course of action would be to help dismantle the things she’s insecure about, but that’s not always a realistic expectation. Instead, try to keep the focus off of your sex life until you’ve helped her work through some of the issues. The added pressure of feeling like she needs to perform can lead to even more feelings of self-doubt – try not to make things harder on her!

She has negative associations with her sexuality.

In most cases, these negative associations come from a history of sexual or emotional abuse, or other instances when a person feels shame for their sexual arousal. It could be hard for her to open up about this part of her past, but it’s still a very real possibility that can get in the way of a healthy sex life. Even if it hasn’t been an issue in your relationship up until this point, traumatic memories often make their way back into our daily thoughts at some point, and we can’t always prevent them from getting in the way.

What does this negative feeling surrounding her sexuality mean for your sex life? In some cases, it may mean a change is required. If, for example, she has started to feel like sex is the only thing she has to offer, it might be helpful to take a step back from the sexual component and remind her how much she means to you in other ways. If the problem is instead that she can’t focus on enjoying herself because her mind is stuck on her past experiences, she might just need a little reminder that you’re not the person who hurt her before you. I know it can seem unfair to be blamed for something that someone else did, but the brain makes unwanted connections sometimes. Try to be patient with her.

What does all this mean?

All in all, female sexual arousal disorders are more common of a problem than we thought. We’re used to hearing about these problems in post-menopausal women, but there are a number of issues that can make a bigger difference on your arousal than just hormonal changes. You should try to be supportive of your girlfriend while she’s working things out, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay quiet about how it makes you feel.

Remember, the health of your sexual relationship requires that both of you are happy. Your partner may be unaware that her arousal problems are affecting you until you tell her. She might be too wrapped up in her own thing to even notice! Just make sure that you’re bringing it to her attention without losing your temper – your sex life shouldn’t be the entire basis of your relationship, and it’s unlikely to help anything if you make her feel like it is. You both deserve happiness – so go out and find it together!

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Struggling to decide whether you should hook up with your ex one more time or not? While I’m sure there are a number of people in your life chiming in with a resounding hell no, sometimes it takes an outside opinion to help convince you. After all, your friends and family already know about all the messed up things that you and your ex did while you were together. They probably know more details about your love life than you’d like them to, especially when you’re trying to get them to be an impartial vote.

Hint: Your friends and family are probably never going to be an impartial vote. Sure, they might call you on your crap when you screw up, but they’re still on your team, and rooting for you. And, believe it or not, that’s a good thing.

Even if you were the one who messed things up in the relationship, you shouldn’t give your ex another chance just because she wants one. Chances are, both of you still have a lot of learning and processing to do, and you can’t do that if you’re sharing a bed. (If you haven’t actually moved out yet… Seriously. Do it. Living with your ex is not the business.)

So, why specifically shouldn’t you have sex with your ex?

1. She’s still the same person she was before you broke up.

People can change, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will. Everyone needs time to process things, and if she’s still trying to get with you, chances are, she’s trying to skip the processing. Do yourself (and her!) a favor, and pass on the second chance for now.

2. You’re probably still the same person, too.

Just like she hasn’t changed, you probably haven’t either. We see people take their ex back all the time and things are magically better the second time around – but real life is not like the movies, and getting back with your ex when you still have the same expectations is going to hurt.

3. You don’t gain anything by going in reverse.

Whether you want to admit it or not, going back to your ex is a step in the wrong direction. The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result – so why would you revisit a path you’ve already gotten hurt by?

4. The sex will bring up all those old emotions.

Even if the sex with your ex was incredible, and she just couldn’t stay faithful (or you couldn’t), there’s no such thing as casual sex with someone you used to have a relationship with. It’s human biology. The oxytocin rush you get when you orgasm is going to rush back everything that ever bonded you two together.

5. You deserve better.

I’m not saying your ex was a bad person, because that’s not always the case. I’m not even saying that you’re a perfect person, because that never actually happens. But you do deserve someone who’s a better fit for your needs and wants – and your ex already proved that’s not her.

6. It might not mean the same thing to her as it does to you.

Any time I’ve had sex with an ex, it’s been me hoping we’d get back together, and her hoping she’d get some great sex without having to work for it – “for old time’s sake”. No matter which position you’re personally in, you need to keep in mind that she doesn’t necessarily feel the same way.

7. You owe it to yourself not to.

Depending on how recent the breakup is, having sex with your ex has the potential to be a huge setback. Why would you risk throwing away all that okay-ness you’ve worked toward, just because your ex wants to act like things are different now?

8. Good sex leads to bad decisions.

Some of the best sex of my life has come from people who were all wrong for me. But the chemical design of sex says that “good sex” means “good partner”, even if logic tells us that’s not the case. We’re designed to fall for the people we hook up with, if they get the job done right… And this isn’t the right time to make bad decisions.

9. She doesn’t really care about your happiness.

If she did, she’d want you to stay happy, instead of bringing herself back into your life to mess with your emotions. Trust me on this one. No one who values your happiness is going to pressure you into anything, including mind-blowing orgasms.

10. You can’t exactly start over fresh.

No matter how mature you are, the chances of being able to start over with her on page one, without ever thinking about the things that happened during the relationship, are… Well, pretty slim. Like really slim. It’s really hard for our brain to separate the past from the present when they deal with the same person.

11. You can’t exactly pick up where you left off, either.

Maybe the two of you were engaged, or living together, or whatever stage of the romantic spectrum – that’s all well and good. But this is something new, and your heart isn’t going to be in the same place it was when you broke up.

12. You’re just being nostalgic.

Nostalgia can be a great thing, since it helps gloss over the negative memories and make ourselves more accessible to the happy ones. But if you’re thinking about getting back with someone who did you wrong, nostalgia is your enemy. It’s going to push you to conveniently forget the bad things for a while until they start to resurface, and you feel completely blindsided that she’s still exactly the same.

13. There’s nothing stopping her from doing the same things all over again.

Humans are creatures of habit, and short of an epiphany, we’re pretty much doomed to keep repeating the things that we’ve been doing all along. Sometimes, this is good – but you should let someone else see if she’s changed.

14. Your hand knows you better – so go with that!

If there’s any debate whether you should sleep with someone or not – even a glimmer of doubt – you shouldn’t. Consent should come freely, and even if you want to have sex with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea. Do the job yourself tonight, and see if you still want to have sex with your ex by the time you’re done – chances are, you won’t.

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Are you looking to bring a little spice into a relationship that’s started to lose its sparkle? Even the best sex can start to get a bit mundane after a while, and for sex that isn’t amazing, it can take even less to fall into a rut. That doesn’t mean you have to settle for mediocre sex, though – in fact, it just means you need to be a little more creative.

But what if you have the creative ideas, but you’re not really sure how to implement them? We’ve got 8 tips that help teach you how to have a better, more exciting sex life – and none of them require any tools, toys, or costumes. (Although, of course, you’re always welcome to include these things in your sex life – they may offer just the right amount of excitement.)

Curious how to start? Read on to learn the easiest ways to make the creativity come just a little bit easier.

1. Talk it out.

Couples who do more intimate sharing have a closer bond, which naturally makes for better sex. I’m not just talking about dirty talk, either – as helpful as that can be – but truly deep and intimate chats about the things that are weighing on your mind. Aside from just giving each of you an agenda for things to fix in your relationship, the act of venting to your partner can lower your stress levels and make it easier to get in the mood.

Over time, bringing the talk into your relationship just a little more than what you’re already doing will start to develop a sort of habit. Once your non-sexual issues are easier to work out together, it’ll naturally progress to an eagerness to share your innermost desires – leading you to the better, more inventive sex you’ve always dreamed of.

2. Seek out inspiration.

Landing on this article is a good start – but there is a wealth of other knowledge on the internet that is specifically designed to bring your sex life to a boil (or at least to a strong bubble). While porn can be another good option, take care that you’re watching porn that actually caters to a lesbian audience, since lesbian-porn-for-straight-men tends to focus more on what looks sexy as opposed to what feels sexy. (Although, if you’re in a pinch, a good lesbian porn can still give you a jumping point to lead into the crazy sex you want.)

When in doubt, there’s no such thing as too much bedroom inspiration. You’ll never know if you like a particular idea until you try it, so make a point to try something new every now and then, just to see if your interests reach a little further than you thought they did. Just make sure that you’re comfortable enough to speak up if you’re not into a particular idea – there shouldn’t be any obligation to continue something you don’t enjoy.

3. Talk to other couples.

Even if you don’t actually have any lesbian friends, believe it or not, you can learn some things from straight couples, too. It can be a little awkward to discuss your sex life with your friends – like way harder than telling random strangers on the internet. If it’s awkward for you, try asking for advice, rather than sharing what you’re doing. This can relieve some of the awkwardness, and may still result in some helpful tips. It’s all about finding a way that works for you.

In my own life, it’s a lot easier for me to type it out than to talk face to face – so consider this option if you’re on the shy side.

4. Give yourself an alter-ego.

I’m sure you’ve heard that adage about being a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… And there’s a reason it’s so popular: It works! Giving yourself an alternate personality who happens to be a sex-crazed stripper-type might make it a little easier to separate your day-to-day responsibilities from your favorite form of cardio. (I’m speaking generally here – I know there are some people who really, really like running, but I am definitely not one of them.) You can even try giving your alter-ego her own backstory, if you think it’ll help. My alter-ego is someone with no responsibilities and no body image issues. My partner would love if my alter-ego learned to twerk, but we’re not quite there yet.

If you find that you’re into the idea of roleplaying, you can even give yourself multiple alter-egos. You can try the promiscuous cheerleader one day, the sexy librarian the next day, and the wholesome-but-curious virgin the day after that. Hey, it’s up to you – whatever gets the engine running and well-lubricated is fair game.

5. Give yourself permission.

Many of us want to embrace a more sex-positive life, but in actual application, something gets lost along the way. We feel like we can’t be sultry sex goddesses because we have children or a hectic job or financial obligations that weigh on our minds. But your sex life depends on giving yourself permission to pursue your fantasies. You need to know that it’s perfectly fine to be bored of the same old thing, and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship as a whole. Give yourself permission to get a little dirty sometimes – no one has to know but you and your partner!

6. Do it yourself.

Before anyone jumps down my throat for suggesting solo-sex as an alternative to couple-sex, let me explain that mutual masturbation is one of the sexiest forms of foreplay out there – and if you do it just right, it can even be the entire act. Forbidding your partner from actually touching you may automatically increase her desire to do so, and the passionate feeling you get when she shoves you out of the way so she can take over… It’s unmatched. (Personally, I only last about a minute after this happens.)

If you’re struggling to bring yourself to masturbate in front of your partner, revisit point #5 and see if that doesn’t help some. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating, and it definitely doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t doing the job well enough. It just means that you enjoy the idea of putting on a show for her.

7. Make it a big deal.

After you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it can seem like sex is “just something you do”. There’s a certain point where passion gives way to routine, and you may even feel stuck in a situation that almost feels like an obligation. But obligation and routine aren’t really catalysts for good sex – so you need to make a big deal out of it sometimes. Try something completely new that you’ve never done before – or even something that’s just a little new. Consider having sex in the car (in your own driveway) or in a tent under the stars, even if it’s in your own back yard. The options are limitless – you just have to find one that works well for you.

8. Stop trying so hard.

One of the hardest things about planning an exciting sex life is sometimes the planning part. Go with the flow, and try new things without fully discussing them first. Taking opportunities as they’re presented to you is one of the best ways to keep the spontaneity alive. There are a number of things you can try that don’t require any real planning, and if it’s something you think your partner will enjoy, you can start to incorporate these things without necessarily having a full-on discussion beforehand.

(Note: If your partner isn’t on board with the new things you’re trying, definitely stop. Being adventurous is one thing, but ignoring the rules of consent is something else entirely.)

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Relationships are full of ups and downs. Some days, everything is going to be perfect, and other days it’s going to seem like there’s nothing going your way. It’s a constant battle, but if you’re with the right person, you’re choosing the battles that mean the most to you – not just jumping on every one that presents itself to you.

Your sex life is one of the biggest rollercoasters in the entire relationship. When you first start having sex together, it seems like you’re having sex every chance you get. This sex is a little awkward, but very passionate. Then, as you get more and more comfortable with each other, the desire wanes a little bit, and it can take some time to build it back up.

Once you go from seeing each other to living together, though, your sex life is going to take a pretty big hit. Where you might have been having sex once or twice per day you saw each other, now you’re lucky if you’re getting some every few weeks. What gives – and is there anything you can do about it?

Moving is stressful – and stress isn’t sexy.

One of the very first reasons that your sex life might start to slow is because moving is an incredibly stressful experience, for both of you. Even though sex is one of the greatest stress-busters of all time, it’s really difficult to get in the mood when your stress levels are too high. (I know, it sounds a bit unfair, and maybe it is.) You’re too busy thinking about the shared bills, shared chores, shared space… It can be difficult to relax through all of this.

Thankfully, you will relax over time. If stress from the move is the only (or the primary) reason you’re not getting down as often as you used to, then rest assured – it’s temporary, and will mostly work itself out. If you want to help the process along, implementing an “open communication policy” in your relationship can help to bring your priorities into focus. Discuss the things about the move that are particularly weighing on you, such as if your partner isn’t keeping up on her end of the dishes or the bills, as well as the things that don’t actually have anything to do with your partner.

Sometimes, the reason for stress after moving in together is simply that you no longer have your own space. It’s hard giving up your freedom, after all, and when you’re not living together, it’s much easier to save the bad stuff for when you’re alone. But when you live together, your alone time is significantly limited – so if you haven’t already become comfortable enough with each other to discuss your emotions, you’ll need to figure it out soon – your mental and sexual health might be counting on it.

There’s no urgency.

When you live separately, you might find yourself “needing” to squeeze in the sex before you go your separate ways for the week. You’ve got all these obstacles in the way of your sex life, and since the human brain enjoys challenges, we thrive on proving that we can do things we can’t really do. Once you move in together, it doesn’t work like that anymore. On a particularly unsexy day, it’s too easy to say “We can just do it tomorrow.” Then, tomorrow comes, and you’re stressed out, so you put it off for another day. Too much of this and, before you know it, it’s been almost a month and your partner is super cranky about it. (Or maybe you’re the cranky partner – that happens, too.)

When you have a sense of urgency, like 15 minutes before your roommates come home, or you haven’t seen each other in over a week, the sex is exciting and new, every time. As annoying as the obstacles might be, they create a bit of a rush. The easiest way to get past this is to create your own obstacles toward sex. It seems counter-productive, but for some crazy reason, it actually works. Tease your partner in situations where you “can’t” have sex – such as when you need to leave for work in ten minutes – and see if it inspires a quickie. Sometimes, it will!

What if that doesn’t work? You can also try putting temporary “sex embargos” into place: Come up with reasons you can’t have sex for x-number of days. Make sure you discuss this plan with your partner, of course, otherwise she may think you’re just unfairly withholding. But if you’re putting this into place because you want to inspire that sense of urgency, however artificial it may be this time, you may find that you’re rushing to “break” your own rules – which is exactly what you want.

You’re spending too much time together.

It’s completely normal to “nest” together when you first move in together. This is good, since it helps to form a stronger bond – but it’s also kinda sucky because it takes away the “quality” part of spending quality time together. You start to feel like you’re just hanging out around each other, but not actually spending time together. Plus, not having any alone time starts to take its toll on you, which leads to more stress and less desire for one another.

No matter how much you love each other, it’s important that you each have the freedom to do your own thing. Make time for your friends and family, without your partner. Of course, you should also include your partner in some of these activities, but it really isn’t necessary to tag along every time just because you’re a couple. Too much togetherness makes it feel like an obligation, and no one wants to feel obligated to do things that really aren’t obligations. Your brain will naturally reject these obligations because it knows they’re not necessary.

You should also make sure that you have the freedom to explore your own sexuality, too. No, I don’t mean that you should go off and cheat on your partner, or that you need to be in an open relationship to make cohabitating work. Instead, give yourself the freedom to masturbate from time to time! Not only will it relieve some of your sexual frustrations without needing to match your schedules perfectly to one another, but it’s also pretty good for your mental and sexual health. Try it! (But make sure you give your partner a chance to meet your needs first.)

You’re too comfortable.

Being comfortable with your partner is a good thing, and most likely one of the reasons you chose to move in together in the first place. (Statistically speaking, of course – most people don’t move in with someone they’re not comfortable with.) But, once you actually share a living space, your comfort level is going to increase significantly – which should make the sex even easier, but for whatever psychological reason, it doesn’t actually work that way.

You see your partner in a completely different light. Where you used to only see each other when you were dressed to the nines, now you regularly see each other in sweat pants and unkempt hair. You used to be on your best behavior in front of each other, and now there’s only so much you can repress those “gross” tendencies like burping, farting, and mouth-breathing. Where you might have pretended that you never actually needed to use the restroom for longer than a minute and a half, now you’re regularly walking in on each other, and sharing the bathroom for potty breaks and showers – at the same time.

It’s great to be comfortable with your partner, but maintaining some mystery is essential in keeping the sex life alive. Try to enforce the idea of privacy whenever you can, and leave your partner to do their bathroom business without your interruption. You can also try wearing sexy underwear underneath those unsexy sweatpants, or make a point to still dress up for one another on a regular basis. Sure, it might seem unnecessary, but there comes a point in every relationship where sexiness requires effort. Don’t sell yourself short – you’ve still got what it takes.

You’re not ready at the drop of the hat – and, truthfully, you never really were.

When you’re living separately, you know that date nights almost always mean sex, so you have time to shave (if you shave), wear cute underwear, do your hair nicely, and even reminisce about the last wild and crazy sex sesh. Living together, it might seem like one of you is always too stressed or tired to make sex a priority. Because you spend so much time together, you have to be that much more aroused to initiate sex, and even still you’re gambling whether your partner is actually on board, too.

As unromantic as scheduled sex might be, it actually goes a long way toward making time for it. Putting it on the calendar turns it into something to look forward to, and gives you ample time to plan for it. It might seem artificial, but back when you were “just dating”, you essentially scheduled sex, too. After all, you knew if you weren’t spending the night together, you wouldn’t be having sex, but nights you did stay over, the sex was all but guaranteed.

One of the easiest ways to work this preparation time back in is to schedule regular date nights for just the two of you. Double-dates are great, too, but less likely to result in sex, so they shouldn’t be your primary go-to. Make a point to squeeze in at least a few date nights every month – preferably at least once per week – and try to keep that “date night mindset” while you’re getting ready. There’s no reason that going out together has to be any different than it was before you moved in – you just have to make sure it’s still a priority.

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Have you ever been with someone who was totally amazing, but the sex was just mediocre?

I think most of us have experienced this at least once or twice, and it can be pretty frustrating if everything else is going so perfect. Our frustration can build until we just can’t stand the idea of one more boring sexual encounter.

OK, so maybe it’s not always that serious. Sometimes, we’re just trying to bring a little extra spice into things, even when things are already good. Even the best things can seem routine after a while, and your sex life is definitely no exception.

So, how do you tell your partner about the particular spice you want without making things awkward and uncomfortable?

Start with open communication in the rest of your relationship.

I know, I know – most relationship advice tells you that you should communicate more with your partner. If you ever start to feel like that’s a coincidence or a cop-out, remember that your partner can’t really understand what you want unless you tell her – and unmet expectations can cause a wealth of stress, anxiety, and disappointment. If you really care about your partner, you have an obligation to let her know what she can do to fix the things that might be wrong.

As an added bonus, communicating your needs outside the bedroom actually makes it a little easier to express your needs inside the bedroom. It’s a less awkward segue that leads to a more open and intimate relationship overall.

Add in some light dirty talk, if you aren’t already doing so.

When you get used to the idea of expressing your non-sexual needs, it’s time to start bringing a little dirtier interaction between the two of you. Whether you start with dirty text messages, phone sex, or some light commands within the confines of your bed, softer dirty talk makes it easier to bring in the dirtier stuff – the kinks, the fantasies, the whole shebang. If she doesn’t seem to be responsive to the added stimulation provided by your words, you can try to explain to her why you think it’s valuable – we’ve even got a mini guide to help you out in that department.

And, of course, if she is comfortable with the dirty talk, feel free to proceed to the next steps.

Tell her the mildest ones first.

Obviously, it’s easiest to start small and work your way up from there. This applies not only to your communication, but also to her acceptance of your kinks. Some women are going to share your kinky sex things, while others may be repulsed by them – so it’s important that you know the difference between a kink and a need. If your kinks are actually a sexual need, there’s a chance it could be a true sexual addiction – make sure you look into this.

As long as you’re okay with her shooting down the idea if she’s really not comfortable with it, there’s no problem with talking about the things you want to start incorporating.

Slowly work your way up.

Even if she is comfortable with the softer stuff, there’s no way to predict whether she’s open to the kinkier stuff. She has no obligation to follow through, and she has no obligation to continue the things that she has agreed to before. Remember that your sex life is about both of you, not just you. You should also do your best to accommodate her fantasies, whenever possible – your sexual fantasies tell a lot about who you are as a person, and giving yourself permission to explore them can do wonders for your relationship. So relax, and let yourself get a little kinky – as long as your partner is willing!

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