In a relationship, it’s completely normal for one person to be feeling it more than the other. In fact, if you two are in total sync, all the time, chances are there’s nowhere for the relationship to grow. But what do you do when one of you is feeling it way more than the other? This causes severe pain and heartbreak, since one person is totally invested and the other might not even care if they wake up tomorrow and it’s all gone.

Thankfully, most of the time, this off-balanced-ness is just temporary. From month to month, day to day, sometimes even hour to hour, there’s a constant ebb and flow that leads to the two of you doing what you can to keep the spark alive. If it’s unnatural for one of you to feel more in love than the other, don’t worry – that’s just a sign that you’re actually in it for the long haul. However, relationship coach and therapist Kristy De Leon recommends that you pay attention to this balance between you, and identify when the scales start tipping a little too far.

According to De Leon, “Depending on what is going on in the relationship, one person will typically feel like they are giving more love than the other person. But it is crucial to realize that these are moments, unless of course the partner has become physically or mentally ill. Then the person must decide if they want to be in this kind of relationship and can accept the new limitations on their partner’s affection. Or, if the person feels like it has been months now that they are putting in the majority of the love and effort, then it is time to talk. It is not healthy for the person or the relationship to be one-sided. Then it is not a healthy relationship; it’s an arrangement out of convenience.”

Are you worried that your relationship might be headed off to that one-sided land of dread? Check out the following list to see what some of the big signs are – and what you might be able to do about them.

Sign #1: She calls all the shots.

Picture the scene: Your friends want to go on a big trip, but your girlfriend proposes a spontaneous romantic getaway that has to happen at the exact same time. When you propose going out with your friends on a different weekend, that idea is shot down too – compromise is not on the agenda today. Since you love her, and you love how assertive she is about what she wants, you give in. Over time, she learns that she doesn’t have to compromise, because you’re going to do whatever she says anyway.

Even if this starts out with the best of intentions (as hard as it is to be selfish with good intentions), it’s going to turn sour. Relationships are supposed to benefit both people, otherwise, why be in one? If you’re doing all the work and she’s just making all the plans – regardless of what you want to do – it might be time to walk away. She doesn’t want a girlfriend, she wants a puppet, and you’re giving her exactly that.

Sign #2: She never hits you up – you have to take the first step every time.

Let’s look at another scene now. You and your girlfriend talk every day, and it’s great – but you can’t remember the last time she texted you without just replying to something you said. You make the plans and then have to chase her down for a response. You send her a “good morning” text, and then wait around for her to respond. It could just be that you’re quicker to get to your phone – but it could also be a sign that she’s just going through the motions, knowing that you’re going to pick up the slack.

Want to see if she’s really just following along because “that’s what you do”? Make a point to not text her first for a period of time. Be careful with this one, because it is a bit of a mind game, but the woman who’s truly “just a little busy” will probably hit you up when she has a chance. If days go by before she realizes that you haven’t made any effort, you might need to evaluate why you’re with her. You’re not really keeping her happy – you’re just keeping her entertained. (The difference is subtle, but definitely there.)

Sign #3: She forgets the important milestones in your relationship.

When a woman is in love, it’s our tendency to remember all the little details that make the relationship special. Things like the first kiss, first date, and first wall-crawling-intense orgasm are going to be ingrained into her head, and while she might not remember every last detail, she is going to make a point to remember the things that are important. She’ll probably share these things with her friends, too, which isn’t a sign of loose lips – it just means that you’re important to her.

On the other hand, if she’s forgetting all of them, it probably means that you aren’t that important to her. The list doesn’t need to be tit-for-tat, with each of you remembering every single thing that happened, or even an exactly equal spread. Most likely, some things are going to be more important to one of you than the other. But if you have to bring up every important occasion before she’ll make a note of them, chances are, she’s not that into you.

Sign #4: She won’t go “Facebook official”.

Okay, so the whole world doesn’t need to know all your business. I totally get that, and I totally agree. But when you love someone, you’re going to want to show them off – at least to some extent. (I know, there are private people out there. I’ve never really been one of them, but whatevs.) This is particularly a bad sign if she removes the official status on her social media accounts after they’ve already been there – this could be a sign that she’s opening herself up to other options.

She definitely doesn’t need to post a thousand pictures of the two of you together (and if you post a shit-load of “us-ies”, you might need to cut back). But if you’ve been together for more than a few months and she doesn’t have one single mention of you anywhere on her social media profiles, there could be a cause for concern. If she’s not letting others know that she’s in a relationship, there might be a reason for it.

Sign #5: She never has time for you.

In the beginning of the relationship – the honeymoon phase, if you will – it’s normal to want to be together as much as possible. But there’s a big difference between “going out a lot” and “spending every waking minute together” – and if one of you wants to hang out daily and the other only wants to chill once a week, or even just a couple times a month, there’s a good chance that your expectations are mismatched. It’s possible that she’s brushing you off because she’s not into you at all, but it’s also possible that you’re smothering her.

Try to take a step back from things, and give her some room to breathe. If she responds by approaching you when she’s got a bit of free time – and it’s not just for sex or a party – you were probably just asking too much from her. If she responds to your radio silence with even more radio silence, she’s probably not that into you. Unfortunately, we can’t really control how our feelings develop for a person, and too much togetherness can seriously put a damper on the process of getting to know each other. It’s possible that it’s too late to fix things – so try to keep a level head, and avoid smothering your next partner, too.

Crushes can be hard. We tend to blow things up in our minds, and we get fixated on every little thing they say – never 100% sure if they meant it the way we took it, or if they meant something else entirely. (Although, of course, that’s true with any interaction with another person – their words aren’t necessarily their true intentions.)

Having your first crush on someone who’s the same gender as you can be even harder. Not only are you dealing with the “normal”, everyday crush stuff, but you also might be struggling with your sexuality. Many people have been conditioned to reject their sexuality if it doesn’t fall within the “acceptable heterosexual range”, even if those exact words are never used. Truly, there’s something that just sets most people off… Even if we’ve been raised in a loving, supportive family.

No matter which type of home you come from, and regardless of whether you’re still living there or not, navigating those treacherous first-timer problems can be difficult, if not impossible, unless you’ve got a strong support system. Don’t worry – we’ve got you covered. (And, if you do need additional help, you’re always welcome to write in and let us know the situation – we’ll do our best to figure it out together.)

Read on to learn how to deal, with as little pain as possible.

Try to understand the crush.

Not all crushes are created equal, and if it’s your first time being into a girl, it might not necessarily mean anything. Sometimes, we can mistake our adoration for our friends as something more, particularly if our love life is lacking. (Personally, I think this is the most common cause of the Bestie Crush, but I have no information to back this up, besides personal experience.) Have you been friends with this person for a long time, or do they embody the traits you wish you had yourself?

In most cases, the people we develop crushes for have some quality that we feel we are lacking. If you meet someone who’s adventurous and brave, while you’re meek and shy, you’ll probably be drawn to them a little more. Likewise, outgoing and adventurous people are often drawn to people who are soft-spoken and introverted. This type of balance is necessary in life, but if that’s the only thing drawing you in, it might not be the greatest idea to act on the crush.

In other cases, we develop crushes on people who remind us of our “preferred” parent – so those who were raised by a strong mother figure may be more inclined to be attracted to another strong female figure. It’s a little creepy to think of your romantic life this way, so let’s frame it differently: We want to find a partner who reminds us of the best parts of our lives. Since our parents are often what makes or breaks our childhood, it makes a lot of sense to lean toward someone who gives us similar feelings and experiences.

Neither of these necessarily mean you have any coming out to do, though – sometimes, a crush really is just a crush. It’s not worth the risk of potentially alienating your family and friends if you’re not totally sure that you’re really into women. If there’s a chance that it might be something more, I recommend doing a little more “research” before you make any label decisions.

Decide if you want (or need) to act on the crush.

Since we’ve already established that sometimes a crush is just a crush, it makes sense that not every crush needs to be acted on. If you think that exploring the crush in greater detail will help you figure things out, great – but keep in mind that your feelings don’t come with obligations for her. You can’t really convince someone to be into you if they’re not, and if that’s your intention, you need to stop, for your own sake. Trust me – pining for someone who has no interest in you is just heartbreaking, and actually preventable.

In some cases, though, exploring the crush a little deeper can run the risk of major heartbreak, and a potential loss of the friendship. (We all hope we’ll be the exceptions, of course, but you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you think you can will it to work out. You can’t.) Crushes on coworkers who have openly identified as straight, for example, are a potential for high-risk, as are crushes on your lifelong best friend.

We talk a lot here about how you can’t stay friends with someone you’re in love with – but this is where it’s important to remember that a crush is definitely not love. Having a crush on someone you see every day is going to be hard, but in time, you might be able to work around your feelings and find a solution that doesn’t involve the embarrassment of putting yourself out there. It should be noted that you probably don’t want to skip every chance, but sometimes, it really is best to back down.

Decide how you will act on the crush.

If you’ve decided that you’re going to bring it up to the other person, there’s not really a specific protocol to use – it’s just a matter of finding the courage to say something. In my personal experience, texting (while totally impersonal and lacking in nonverbal cues) is often the easiest route to take. You have time to proofread everything and make sure it sounds the way you want it to, and you have time to decide if you really want to do this. You can even save it as a draft and come back to it tomorrow if you want!

But, as mentioned, texting is super impersonal, and you might not even have the number of the person you’re trying to text. It can take just as much courage to ask them for their number, knowing full-well that you plan to text them about your crush on them, as if you just asked them out in the first place. In these situations, a hand-written note can go a long way – while still maintaining the leverage of being able to “sleep on it” until you’re fully ready.

For the more outgoing among us, coming right out and telling her is probably the easiest way to handle it. After all, why waste time adding extra steps for yourself if you don’t have to?

Be clear about your situation.

It’s normal for people to keep some portion of their sexual and romantic lives to themselves, so it might be necessary to clear up any confusion. If this will be your first time with a woman, let her know. If you’ve hooked up with women before but never had a crush on one, let her know that, too. You don’t have to divulge every detail of your life, but you should be willing to let her know the basics as they pertain to her.

What if you’re not clear about your situation, exactly? Well, that’s not necessarily a problem… As long as you let the woman know that you’re a bit confused at the moment. Most women fear the idea of being played, and if you’re not honest about your intentions, you are playing her. Many women are open to the idea of experimentation, as long as the person on the other side of the scenario is honest about it. Make sure you’re not misrepresenting yourself to get your way!

Be okay with the outcome.

No matter what happens when you tell your crush how you feel (if you tell her how you feel), you need to hold your head high and be confident in your decision to speak out. In some cases, your crush will respond with the same feelings you have – go for it! But, in other cases, she might shoot you down. Even less likely is the chance of her completely destroying you with the information you give her. We all hope that won’t be the case – and I promise I’m rooting for you! – but having someone out you before you’re ready to be out is a horrible feeling, one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

The easiest way to disarm someone’s ability to out you is, of course, to come out on your own – but I don’t recommend rushing to any labels before you’ve had a chance to explore your feelings in depth. As wonderful of a feeling as coming out can be, it can also be devastating, depending on your own particular situation. Likewise, if you live with conservative family members or you live somewhere that discrimination hasn’t been decriminalized yet, coming out should definitely be saved until you’re certain that the benefits will outweigh the risks. The risks will never truly go away, of course, but approaching them from a position of clarity will make it easier to stand your ground now.

Now that we’ve covered the potential harm, let’s discuss the potential benefits of letting your crush know how you feel. First, you’ll have the relief of getting a “secret” off your chest. Secrets aren’t good for your mental health, and too many secrets can cause serious long-term problems. Second, she may feel exactly the same way, and you can explore your newfound attraction together. She might turn out to be the love of your life – I’ve known some women whose first relationship with another woman was one of their longest! Lastly, you might have the chance to clarify your feelings and determine whether the crush was a fluke or if you really are into women. Sure, you might find out that it was a one-time thing, and that’s okay. There’s a reason experimentation is so common.

Don’t give up after the first woman.

So what if this first girl crush didn’t result in any clarity, any steamy sex, or even so much as a smile-and-blush? Believe it or not, that’s okay, too. If it’s something that still weighs on your mind, there’s never a deadline to explore it. It’s unlikely that your first crush is going to be “the one” anyway, and trying to paint her as such might make her uncomfortable. Besides – life is all about experimenting and having fun, and if you’re too fixated on a single woman (who may have even rejected you), you’re not going to find the happiness you deserve. Try to focus on the upside, and if it doesn’t work out, tomorrow is always another day.

[interaction id=”561262c874a791dd4b459468″]

Dating shows are one of my guilty pleasures. I don’t really watch them that often, but when I do, I usually find myself yelling at the screen (much like the sportier type might be caught yelling during a football game). Shen the contestants are so obviously clueless about how “real” relationships work, I get a little crazed.

I guess that comes with the territory, though. Die-hard romantic types usually come in one of two varieties: The “don’t settle for someone based on a small amount of information”, like myself, or the “love at first sight is a combination of chemistry and fate”, like most of the people I see in these shows. I don’t think there’s really a benefit of one over the other, as long as everyone involved is giving themselves a fair chance at happiness.

Remarkably, though, one of the shows that should serve the least amount of relationship motivation – “The Bachelor” – actually serves up more good advice than you might expect. Curious? Here are 3 things I’ve learned.

1. We need the opinions of others to help keep our emotions in check.

I’m not sure if it’s universal, but most of the people I’ve talked to have dated at least one person who everyone in their life had an issue with. Personally, I refer to this ex as Big Ex, but some people may have had more than one. When Big Ex and I were together, I often heard negative – even downright nasty – things about her from my friends and family, and later on, even her friends and family. But, of course, I dismissed all this advice because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

Likewise, in every season of The Bachelor, there’s one person that the audience just loves to hate. Whether this person is just irritating, a little manipulative, or downright evil will definitely vary from season to season. One thing’s for sure, though – the rest of the house absolutely cannot stand them, and makes a point to tell the bachelor or bachelorette – but it falls on deaf ears.

What does this mean for your own love life? Well, simply put, if you keep hearing the same type of information, maybe you should take it to heart. There might be something that you’re not seeing, but the ones who aren’t totally infatuated with your love interest can. These things are probably hard to hear, and of course the reliability of the source does play a role here, too, but statistically speaking, it’s unlikely that all of your friends and family would be talking trash on someone who makes you happy unless they had a very good reason.

2. There’s a fine line between “losing your inhibitions” and “losing your cool”. Learn where it lies for you.

When meeting someone new, especially if it’s a blind date, it’s normal to try to get intoxicated in order to make the process a little easier on yourself. Just a sip or two here, a hit or two there, and suddenly your worries go away. Alcohol and recreational drugs can be an effective way to temporarily get rid of feelings of awkwardness, but chances are, it’s not going to make a good impression.

Think about every season premiere of The Bachelor. There’s always going to be that one person who gets completely hammered and makes a complete ass out of themselves. Maybe the contestant forgot to stop sipping when they felt OK, or they just don’t know their limits in the slightest. But, you can easily recognize them by the lack of clothing and coherent sentences. This doesn’t usually go over too well.

I think this is an especially big problem in the queer community, since so many of us lack LGBT-friendly meeting places that don’t revolve around alcohol and slimy bathroom stalls. The temptation to drink can be high. There’s also a high instance of substance abuse in the queer community, and taking just a bit too much can happen to anyone – even if you’ve been using your drug of choice for years. Your romantic interest will definitely notice that there’s something amiss, even if he or she can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, so it’s best to avoid the temptation altogether.

If you can’t handle a first date (or a set-up) completely sober, try to find where your personal limits lie. This limit is most likely going to change, but you want to set a good first impression – and you’ll want to remember it. Think about it: If you get married in a few years, wouldn’t you like to be able to tell your “first glance” story in front of your parents without getting lectured? Well, you might not need to worry about that if you screw things up on the first day.

3. A little creativity makes all the difference.

Why is it that most people opt for the standard, decades-old first date, regardless of their particular situation? I know, it seems like most of the good ideas have already been used up – but have you ever thought about coming up with a new fantastic first-date idea? Some of the best dates I’ve ever been on involved a middle school band concert, breaking into an abandoned house*, or going skinny dipping at a hotel*.

On the show, the first dates are never anything ordinary. There’s a team of writers and producers behind the scenes lining everything up, and their budget is significantly higher than the average person’s. (Well, unless you also display ads to millions of people every year, but that’s not realistic for most of us.) That doesn’t mean you can’t take some creative risks when it comes to planning your dates, though – don’t you want to be the first date she remembers in 10-15 years?

No ideas, or no money? Don’t worry. We’ve got a handy guide for unique date ideas, as well as a list of things you can do for little-to-no money. When all else fails, take a hint from your favorite television shows, and adapt one of your favorite romantic scenes to work with the budget you have. But whatever you do – don’t just take her back to your couch. Save your Netflix-and-chill for when you love her enough to share your password.

(* = Please note that both of these things are technically illegal, so do them at your own risk. I was a dumb teenager when I did them and have learned a lot since then. Also, if you do decide to break into an abandoned house, make sure you don’t actually damage anything – you can have charges pressed against you for this, in addition to breaking-and-entering charges. Depending on how long the house has been abandoned, it can make for some interesting photographs, though.)

Picture the scene. You’re single, and just finished getting through all that super-important post-breakup reflection. Now, you’re casually looking for your next girlfriend, but disappointed that love isn’t just falling into your lap. Maybe your last relationship started totally unexpectedly – as we’re told all good relationships do – and now you’ve been out of the dating pool for so long that you’re not even sure you remember what to do.

Wouldn’t it just be so much easier if you didn’t have to try so hard?

Well, it is easier that way – and you don’t have to try so hard. But if you’re looking to get something started without waiting around for fate, you’ve got some work to do.

You have to be good to yourself.

Maybe you went through all that reflection already, but you haven’t really had enough time to implement it. It’s a lot easier to implement (or break) a habit when you only have yourself to worry about, so you might want to get started now. Any bad habits that could be a potential turn-off to a new partner should be assessed. Is it something that’s actually beneficial to you, but it irritates others? Focus on how your actions are going to affect you right now. You can worry about your next partner when she actually comes around. If you mold yourself to fit someone else’s idea of perfection, you’ll only lose your own unique wonder.

Now, what about the habits that don’t benefit you, such as nail biting or interrupting? These are the ones you’ll want to scrap. The easiest way to kick a bad habit is to replace it with a good one – that way you’re helping yourself twice, and retraining your brain for a more positive connection. With this information, develop a list of three habits you want to stop, and three habits you want to start. You won’t be able to implement them all at once, but once one becomes second-nature, it’s time to start in on another one.

When making your list, try to notice a pattern that works for you. For example, if you find that you bite your nails when you’re anxious, but you really want to get better at drawing, consider repurposing that nervous energy into some doodles. Even if you’re not a good artist now, all it takes is a little practice and perseverance to become your best. There are a million-and-one different possible combinations for every bad habit, so explore until you find a switch that works for you. Just remember: It can take as long as two months to fully set a habit, so don’t sabotage your progress by quitting too soon!

You have to leave the house.

You’re not going to find someone by sitting on your couch. (Okay, full disclosure, in the modern age where everyone has a dating app or two on their phone, you might actually be able to meet someone from your couch. But, you’re probably still going to have to go outside to do things with them.) If you’ve got some social anxiety going on, this is going to be very difficult, and possibly even uncomfortable. That’s okay. Do it anyway.

Don’t just hit the normal single scene, either. There’s nothing wrong with going to the club to unwind after a long week, but if it’s the only place you’re looking for a partner, you’re probably not going to like the choices you come up with. Of course, there are some amazing women who frequent the club scene, too, as well as some who get dragged out by their friends, but in general, the women who are looking for a partner like you are probably not getting drunk every weekend.

If you have other LGBT-friendly businesses in your area, try hanging out there, and see if you start to learn some familiar faces. Open yourself up to the possibility of just looking for friends, and see how many interesting people you meet that way. Best case scenario, you end up meeting a woman who appreciates the same types of activities you do – whether that’s reading, sports, or even cinema. Worst case scenario, you get more in touch with your local queer community and make a few new friends. You can’t lose!

You have to dress nice.

Listen. I like sweat pants and white tank tops just as much as the next girl, and on days I’m not going out, you can pretty much bet I’m wearing at least one or the other. But if you’re trying to attract someone’s attention, you’ve got to look the part. I know, we all want to be accepted for our own personal style. I feel you, and I agree wholeheartedly. As much as we all want that to be true, though, it’s not. Appearance is, unfortunately, the first impression that someone will have of you – so are you making sure it’s a good one?

Now, just so we’re clear: You don’t need to buy into expensive labels. You don’t need to change up your personal style. You don’t need to dress in something super uncomfortable. In fact, the more comfortable you are, the more confident and charismatic you’ll be. But the other side of the coin is that, if you’re too comfortable, you’ll give off the impression that you really don’t care about anything. After all, if you can’t spend 30 seconds making sure your outfit looks nice on you, how can your potential future partner tell that you’re going to spend the time it takes to make sure your relationship is going smoothly?

So, what’s the perfect cruising-for-chicks outfit? You should wear something that fits right and showcases your personality somehow. If you normally wear a lot of bright colors, wear them! If you normally wear all black or neutral colors, by all means, wear them. Whatever makes you feel the most confident – and that you think you look the sexiest in – is going to be the outfit with the most mojo in your entire wardrobe. It should be clean, in good condition, and the right size – everything else is up to you!

You have to be on your best behavior.

You know how some people seem to totally change from the time you started talking to the time you actually started dating? Well, by nature, we tend to put our best selves forward in the beginning. The only problem is that it’s usually a façade, which falls away over time. If you’re not totally committed to the person you want to be seen as, you won’t really have a lot of control over when you lose that image.

Instead, you need to create a different type of persona for yourself: One that’s actually attainable. Picture the best possible girlfriend you could imagine – and then strive to become her. Maybe your idea of perfect won’t be the same as someone else’s, but if you’re committed to living up to your own expectations, you will eventually attract a partner who shares your same values. It might take some time, if your values are unconventional, but there’s probably a reason they’re important to you – so don’t make the mistake of giving up too soon!

Most of all, you have to take it seriously if you want to win.

Think about all the professional challenges you’ve seen. Cooking competitions, football games, stock car races… What do they all have in common? The person in the lead takes what they’re doing seriously. They don’t treat it like a game, they treat it like a job. It’s not really any different with relationships (except that there shouldn’t be a winner and a loser – if you’re always against each other, you’re doing it wrong). If you want a fighting chance, you need to step up, and respect the process.

Some of the modern dating rules suck. I get it. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to live alone – and, psychologically speaking, it probably would. But life is all about taking challenges and risks, and competing (with yourself) to see how good you can have it. If your love life isn’t what you want, it’s time to get serious and start doing better. Love takes a lot of practice, so don’t worry if you’re not getting it right away – sometimes you’ve got to take a few more risks and keep trying until everything falls into place.

[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

Crushes are a crazy thing. Sometimes we get through a crush in a matter of minutes, and write it off as “just our hormones” or “drunken thoughts” or something equally noncommittal. Other times, they drag on for years and years and never seem to go away. (Looking at you, Straight Girls and Besties.)

Our crushes tend to fall into one of 14 categories, though. If you haven’t met one of them yet, maybe that one is you. How many are you still waiting on?

The Guy Everyone Thinks is Gay

Sometimes, he really is gay. Sometimes you even date him. Sometimes the two of you come out right around the same time and then everyone makes jokes about you guys “turning” each other. Ah, 8^th grade was a fun time. He’s not the one – unless, of course, you live somewhere gay marriage still isn’t legal, and then you might have a paper that says he’s the one – and a bedroom arrangement that says otherwise. (Let’s just hope this isn’t the case for you.)

The Girl with the Boyfriend

There are GWTB’s who tell their boyfriend, ones who don’t tell their boyfriend, and ones who are secretly looking for someone for them and their boyfriend. Depending on your personal relationship tolerances, she might be the one for you – as long as she’s being honest with everyone involved. If you find out after you’ve been seeing each other for a while, well… She’s definitely not the one.

The Girl with the Girlfriend

Same as GWTB, with just about as much chance of a threesome (in my experience).

The MILF

Okay, so I know we all know what this one means, but let’s recap for those who are in denial. This refers to your friend’s (or possibly girlfriend’s!) hot mom. It’s usually pretty awkward, and in most cases, you don’t even tell anyone about it. But hey, you never know – she might be the one. (But she’s probably not.)

The Mystery

You don’t know what it is about this girl – she’s unlike anyone you’ve ever dated. She’s not even your type, at least not to the naked eye. Somehow your brain will convince you that she’s the love of your life, and you won’t even understand how you got in this mess… But she’s probably not the one.

The Crunemy

That is, crush and enemy. This is the woman you absolutely cannot stand and simultaneously want to make out with in the supply closet. Hormones are confusing. She’s most likely not the one.

The Gold Digger

This woman may or may not have a job when you first start talking, but that doesn’t mean anything in the long term anyway: She’s going to get as much as she can from you for as long as she can. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re safe because you’re broke or not “official” – that doesn’t usually make a difference to the GD. After all, why pay for something you can talk someone else into buying for you? (In case you couldn’t tell, she’s not the one.)

The Player

Try as we might, we can’t seem to help ourselves when it comes to The Player. She knows how to present herself to garner the attention of everyone in the room, and she knows all the right things to say to make sure she keeps it. Those “accidental” sultry glances and innuendos don’t go unnoticed, either – especially the ones that are delivered to your best friend. We know it’s all just a big game to her, but somewhere in the back of our minds there’s this voice screaming, “But what if she’s the one?” But she’s not the one.

The Total Jerk

The crazy thing about this woman is that she probably came right out and told you that she wasn’t the one. She probably also told you she was a jerk, and that she was going to treat you bad and break your heart. Maybe she even used that as an excuse for why she wouldn’t go out with you. Yet, for some stupid reason, you keep trying to convince her she’s the one. Unfortunately, she’s right here – she’s not the one.

The Charmer

This woman is creepy perfect for you, in every way – so much that you start to question how you ever got by without her. She’s probably met your parents, your cat, and even your great-aunt Betty – and not because she’s trying to seduce them, like the Player. She’s actually genuinely interested in meeting new people and forming friendships. But, for some reason, the more people tell you how much they like her, the less interested you are. You start imagining problems that aren’t even there, and you screw it up. Great going – she could have been the one. (She also could have been crazy, though… So… You know.)

The Ladder Climber

This woman is also trying to get in touch with everyone, but not for the same reason as the Charmer. No, the Snake is trying to slither her way to the top, finding anyone along the way who will help her meet her own personal ends. She probably won’t actually date you, because she’s too busy worrying about herself. You’re probably better off, though – as admirable as her ambition is, statistically, she probably wouldn’t ever make you a priority anyway.

The Bestie

This is probably someone you’ve known your entire life, or at least since you were still in school. You share everything – midnight phone calls, the last slice of pizza, and embarrassing Instagram photos. Then, one day, you start to notice that your feelings for her are a little more than what might be considered appropriate, and you totally freak out. Sometimes, she feels the same way, and things get really weird until you two decide to do something about it. In other cases, you bottle it up and pretend that you’ve never masturbated while thinking about her. (It’s cool, no judgment here.) I’ll pretty much always advise you to talk this one out, though – your friendship could die from the awkwardness anyway. And, you know… There’s probably a reason she’s your best friend.

The Straight Girl

As much as most of us hate the idea of falling for a straight girl, it never seems to stop us from doing exactly that. Of course, there are a few different ways this one can go. She might play along while she’s drunk and then deny like hell when she sobers up. She might feel the need to continually remind you that she’s really only into guys, and then add on “-but if I was into chicks, it’d totally be like you.” Or, she might even give things a chance just to see what it’s like. In most cases, she’s probably not the one – but if she’s down to give it a try, let her sober up and see where things go!

The Girl You Thought Was Straight

Most likely, this girl works in a coffee shop or book store that you frequent. In many cases, she “doesn’t look gay”, so you never even think to talk to her – even if you, yourself, also “don’t look gay”. You see her every day, and you even think you catch her hitting on you once or twice – but you assume you’re imagining it. Spoiler alert: She’s totally hitting on you. Give her your phone number already. She might be the one. (Side note, can we all agree to stop straight-washing people? That’d be great.)

[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

I have a really, really hard time putting myself out there to someone. I’m super shy, which apparently works in my favor, but when dealing with a woman who won’t give me the time of day, I’ve got to get a little creative.

Now, I’m not usually one for making a big scene. In fact, I’m usually dead-set against it. But for some reason, when I feel like I can’t get someone to notice me, that’s when I want to be center stage. It probably has something to do with the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. I can’t seem to help it! It might not be a good choice every time, but I do my best to make myself memorable. I’m sure some of my friends can tell some rather memorable stories that I’d rather personally forget, but hey – that’s what makes humiliating yourself in front of your friends so much fun. (Only being a little sarcastic here.)

If you don’t want to take the long and embarrassing path that I took to figure out what to do in this type of situation, read on and I’ll share my advice for going after the seemingly unattainable.

DO: Understand the difference between “hard to get” and “not interested”.

Honestly, this is the thing I hate most about people who play hard to get: It blurs the lines between “interested” and “not interested”, and requires both people to play head games in order to get anywhere in the conversation. As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid going after the women who play hard to get – but sometimes, the attraction from your side is really strong. It’s best if you can find a way to tell if she’s really into you and pretending she’s not, or if she’s not interested, but doesn’t want to be rude. If you can’t tell which it is, it’s always safest to assume she’s not interested.

DON’T: Push the issue if it’s a hard no.

Whether she’s playing with your emotions or she’s outright shooting you down, the best course of action when your efforts aren’t getting you anywhere is to move on. Sure, she’s attractive, either mentally or physically – or maybe even both! But no still means no. Pressuring her to give you a chance even though she has clearly said it’s not going to happen is sexual harassment, no matter how well-intended.

DO: Try to get her to talk more than you do.

I think our natural instinct when dealing with someone we’re attracted to is usually to take over the conversation and lead the way. Realistically, though, that’s not what you want. The more you say, the more can possibly be held against you if things go sour. Obviously, we hope the things we say won’t be used against us in the first place, but women who play hard to get are already exhibiting a bit of manipulative behavior – it’s best to cut off their ammo whenever you can. Instead, ask open-ended (but not pushy) questions and see how she answers them. You might even discover that you aren’t as interested in her as you thought on first glance, or you might create a mental connection in her mind. From a psychological standpoint, if you can make her laugh and feel nostalgic, you’ve got a better shot – so ask about funny memories.

DON’T: Interrupt or ignore her.

Some people claim the best response to playing hard to get is to play right back. The idea is to use reverse psychology to “trick” the other person into thinking they actually do want you after all. I do agree that ignoring her is often a good choice – but not if you’re trying to catch her attention. You see, if you make it easier for her to say no to you, when she’s already having a pretty easy time of it, you’re just going to blend into the scene you’re trying to stand out from. Instead, dig deep and pull out your absolute best listening skills – it’s time to put them to the test.

DO: Make associations with the things she likes and dislikes.

You can’t always win her over in a single day, but that’s probably a good thing anyway. When you let her leave, and then wait for your next encounter (whether chance or planned out – but please don’t be a stalker), you give yourself time to think of the things that matter to her. In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable to take notes when you’re talking to someone you want to date, but in the real world that would probably come across a little creepy. You don’t need to remember a large number of things – but you do need to remember all the key points of the ones you choose to reference.

DON’T: Make a big deal out of it if she keeps shooting you down.

I know, I know – I already did my whole “no means no” spiel. But seriously, it’s important, so I’m going to say it again. She doesn’t owe you anything… No matter what you’ve invested already. Even if she hadn’t been playing hard-to-get, people are free to flirt without it meaning anything. Yeah, it sucks sometimes, especially if you dished out your cab money to buy her an expensive fruity drink – but she’s not your wife, she’s not your girlfriend, and she’s not obligated to return your affections. You haven’t been “friend zoned”. You’ve just not been bumped up to “girlfriend”, and that’s okay.

DO: Try to be a good friend.

Most relationships work best when built on a solid foundation of something. Whether it’s your core values and beliefs, mutual interests, or a combination of sarcasm and steamy sex, there’s got to be something that acts like glue and holds you two together. If you can’t find that thing before you get together, you’re wasting your time trying to get with her in the first place. No relationship can survive on physical attraction alone (and most can’t survive with strictly physical intimacy, either). If you can’t be a good friend, you’ll never be a good girlfriend – and she knows that.

DON’T: Befriend her with ulterior motives.

I know I literally just told you to be her friend. I still stand by that. But there’s a difference between acting like a friend to get in her pants and actually being a friend. For starters, that first “friend” is probably going to disappear the second she needs someone to turn to – especially if there’s another woman in the picture. The first “friend” is also going to get frustrated if it seems like things aren’t working out the way you want them to. A real friend, however, wants to see their friends happy – even if that means they need to back off. Real friends also get to be there for the emotional times, which helps strengthen the bond, and will probably work out to your (romantic) favor in the long run, as long as you follow proper protocol.

DO: Keep your mystery.

Ordinarily I’m an advocate for speaking openly about your feelings. In fact, on several occasions, I’ve opened up my own emotional baggage here, just to (hopefully) help others. But when you’re dealing with someone who likes being the center of attention (i.e. a woman who plays hard to get), you do need to keep a little leverage. Avoid offering up your feelings, and instead wait for her to ask you. Don’t dote on her, either; she doesn’t want that. Be present, but don’t interfere – she should come around in her own time.

DON’T: Hold your breath.

Most of all, you shouldn’t be waiting around on the person who doesn’t want to bother with you. Even if she’s not brushing you off completely, she is letting you know that she doesn’t want to be limited – so why should you be? Don’t date other women to make her jealous, and don’t date other women to “hold yourself over”. Both of these things are underhanded and manipulative. Instead, downgrade her importance in your life to just that of a friend, and let your love life progress how it would. If you hold out for her, and she is being intentionally manipulative, she’ll probably still never give you a chance. And, if you hold out for her, and she isn’t being manipulative, you’re simply denying yourself the possibility to find the woman who’s right for you. Leave your options open, but don’t pass up a sure thing.

[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

Have you ever wondered why there seem to be so many unfaithful women out there? I feel like probably half of my past relationships have ended due to cheating, at least in part. I don’t think it’s really just our community, either – I think a lot of society is forgetting how to be monogamous.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with open relationships. But, in some ways, the prevalence and acceptance of open relationship makes the concept of cheating even more ridiculous. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in our recent history, besides maybe the free love generation, where it was so socially acceptable to have multiple partners. Why, then, do women who want open relationships choose to be with women who want exclusivity?

Now, I can’t pretend I’m totally innocent here, either. I’ve been in open relationships in the past, and I’ve forgiven people who weren’t very good at the whole one-woman-only thing. I’ve even tried the open relationship thing with a woman who had already cheated on me before – and that didn’t really work out, either.

If you’re thinking about getting back with the woman who cheated on you before – even if you’re thinking about trying the open relationship thing – I’ve got a few things to tell you first.

1. People can change, but that doesn’t mean they will.

I’m definitely up for giving people second chances. Sometimes I even give three, four, or five chances, because apparently I never learn. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these second chances, it’s that not everyone will appreciate the second chance.

Change isn’t automatic. Even if someone really wants to change, that isn’t going to guarantee their success. (Of course, if they don’t want to make the change, it is pretty much guaranteed that they’ll fail.) The idea of the second chance is wonderful, and you shouldn’t hold their previous mistakes against them. But, be aware of the potential for patterns – and if they seem to be falling back into their old habits, break free while your heart is still intact.

2. Not everyone can handle being in a poly relationship.

When I was 18, I became the third person in an already-established relationship. One of the people in this relationship lacked in self-confidence, and it made the entire experience a bit painful and awkward – for all three of us. She had agreed to open their relationship up to a third person in order to stop her partner from sneaking around, but she found the thought of her partner sleeping with someone else just as infuriating whether she knew about it or not.

Likewise, not every couple can handle being in a poly relationship – even if they’ve both been in poly relationships previously. After my teenage tryst, I tried to enter into another polyamorous relationship, this time with my girlfriend and I being the established couple. Despite all the things I thought I knew about myself, I wasn’t able to deal with the idea of sharing her – and I found myself quickly losing interest in both of the women. Surprisingly, the last I heard, the two of them are still together and just as happy as ever.

3. You don’t owe her a second chance.

It doesn’t matter how long you two were together, or how long she had known the person she cheated with, or how drunk she was. She lost your trust, you broke up with her, and that’s the end of any “obligation”. You owe it to yourself to take time to heal, and to reach a point of closure within yourself. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to forgive her or rehash things “for old time’s sake” in order to get closure. You simply need to make peace with your own past, and find a way to learn from it.

However – if you do choose to give her a second chance – you cannot bring up the mistakes that happened before you two broke up. Forgiveness means that you two start over at Trust Square One. If you don’t think that you can keep the past in the past, you aren’t ready to get back together yet. Take some more time for yourself and decide whether you really need this relationship or not.

4. She doesn’t owe you anything, either.

Although it sucks to think about, just because you’ve forgiven her doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to want to take you back. Sometimes, people cheat because they’re unhappy in the relationship, and while that’s still a poor excuse for disrespectful behavior, it does mean that she might not want to get back together.

Remember that your relationship, and your break-up, both involve two people. Don’t accidentally trick yourself into thinking you have the upper hand. The best option is usually to leave the broken relationship alone – there are probably reasons it didn’t work out.

5. She’s probably not your happy ending.

Listen, I understand the desire to hang onto the past. Even though we know life is all about change, humans are creatures of habit, and we get used to the idea of being with someone. We tell ourselves that we’ve readjusted our expectations and our priorities, and our partner has probably done the same. The only problem is that’s a lie, most of the time. Sure, sometimes people make a mistake, and then spend the rest of their lives being amazingly awesome. But, usually, these people are fictional characters played by professional actors – not real people who are actually in the dating pool.

Certain relationship problems deal with timing. For example, if you break up because your work schedules are too crazy, or because you had to move across the country, these are almost always temporary things – and, in the future, when your paths cross, you might think it’s fate. Cheating, on the other hand, is a personal choice that resulted in the end of the relationship – not just a matter of simple circumstance. Unless her beliefs about relationships have changed, she’s not in it for the long haul.

6. There’s no such thing as a soul mate.

I’m betting that probably sounds really negative, but I promise you – it’s quite the opposite. There is no such thing as one perfect person for you. Anyone you ever date is going to have flaws, and it’s up to you to decide which flaws are worth living with. If that means getting back together with someone who was unfaithful, then that’s your decision. If she wants the relationship just as much, she’ll work to be a better partner, too. But you can’t expect her to change more than you do. After all, love is about compromise and balance, and if the two of you can’t find a way to agree on the solution, the relationship will never last.

Above all else, you need to remember that you don’t need any one particular person in your life. Sure, sometimes our lives seem better when there’s someone standing in our corner, so to speak, but there’s no reliable way to predict who that person will be. Just focus on the present moment, and try to let go of your need to be in control. If the universe wants it to be, it will be.

I generally try to see the best in people. I’ve always been a glass-half-full type of person, and in most of my interactions with other people, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, I’ve been in some less-than-stellar situations in the past, and I know that misunderstandings happen sometimes.

Then, when I come to find out that someone has intentionally been trying to take my attention off what’s really going on, I’m livid.

The truth is, there are always going to be people who think they can bend the truth (and the will of another person), and sometimes, they’re actually pretty good at it. Manipulative people are often highly intelligent and have a solid grasp out of what they want in life. While these are great qualities to have, they’re not exactly great when they’re used against another person – and when you’ve got feelings for the person who’s trying to manipulate me, things can get even harder on you.

All’s not lost, though. There are ways you can handle your interaction with manipulative people in order to minimize the damage they can do. Are you ready for some life-changing information?

Manipulative behavior generally follows patterns.

If possible, examine the way this person behaves with other people, such as coworkers, family members, and friends. Avoid using their claims as “evidence”, since manipulators are generally skilled at lying (and you don’t want to alienate a person who isn’t manipulating you). If you know their job history or financial situation, this can be helpful, too, but remember that there are other factors involved in employment.

What you’re looking for here is a pattern of controlling others, or a pattern of living outside their means. Does their spending match up with their occupation, or are they obviously trying to convey a different image of themselves to others? Sometimes, these things are very subtle, so you might not notice things until you’ve been interacting with each other for an extensive period of time.

If it’s not possible to explore their lives outside of your particular relationship, pay attention to how they are in everyday conversation. Does it seem that they’re trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, possibly to gain information or convince you of a particular opinion? Also note the highs and lows of their interaction – are they unnervingly nice sometimes, and verbally abusive other times? These can all be signs that the person is manipulative.

You don’t necessarily need to remove someone from your life if they start showing any of these signs, but you should be aware of them and understand that you may need to take action at some point in the future. Be alert, and you’ll remove much of the risk of being controlled.

Emotional blackmail is the most common form of manipulation.

The more you trust and care about a person, the more they’re going to be able to manipulate you – that’s just how things work. Not only will you be more inclined to meet their demands, but they’ll also have insight into the tricks that make you tick. As unfortunate as this is, you shouldn’t take this as a sign to shut yourself off from others. Rather, you’ll need to learn how to redirect their attacks so that they know you mean business.

Some people may choose to guilt you when you’ve done something they perceive to be wrong. This is meant to discourage you from doing it again – a sort of training, if you will. In other cases, the emotions called may be more drastic, such as threats of a break-up, infidelity, or even a suicide attempt. (Please note: A suicide threat, by itself, is not automatically a sign of manipulation. If your partner is reaching out for help, please encourage her to get help, even if you do think she’s trying to control you.)

Passive aggressiveness is another common tactic.

One of the subtler forms of manipulation, passive aggressiveness is when a person uses underhanded remarks to imply a correct response to a certain situation. Often, the things being commented on are good changes to be made – but the manipulator isn’t going about things the wrong way.

The only way to deal with passive aggressive behavior is to shut it down. Insist that your partner (or whoever is trying to manipulate you) speaks directly, rather than beating around the bush to elicit a reaction. Sometimes, recognizing the passive aggressive behavior is as simple as ignoring it – but this will depend on the person who’s using this tactic against you.

Trust your instincts.

Sometimes, when someone is manipulating you, it won’t even be a secret. They may come straight out and tell you that you need to change x thing or y thing will happen. Most of the time, however, it’s going to be a little subtler than that – but you’ll still probably recognize the signs. Don’t dismiss these too early, as they are there for a reason!

Manipulation relies on a sense of worry and self-doubt, so the best way to defend yourself against it is to be confident in yourself and the future you can create on your own. Remember that you don’t need this other person – everyone but yourself is an optional part of your life, even if your life is better with them in it. If someone is putting you in a position where you have to choose yourself over them, the choice should be clear: Protect yourself!

I understand that this can be hard, especially when the person manipulating you is one you trust. (Remember, we said that manipulation is easiest if you trust the person?) That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, though. Just stand your ground, take input from others, but be aware that you have the final say in things.

Assess your fears.

In many situations, manipulators will rely on their victims being afraid – either of something that they will personally do, or something that the manipulator may do. Depending on the nature of the manipulation, as well as your relationship with the person, there are a number of possible things to fear – but you can’t live your life afraid of someone, particularly when that person makes it their goal to scare you.

Here are 4 of the most common fears involved with being manipulated, and the antidotes to these fears. Remember that your situation may entail a combination of these fears, or possibly entirely different fears – speak with a trusted friend or therapist if you need to discuss other options.

• Fear that the manipulator will spread lies about you: Are you worried that your friends, family, or work colleagues are going to believe them? Believe it or not, this one isn’t about your manipulator at all. The manipulator has probably been lying to you about yourself, in an effort to convince you that you’ve somehow lost your worth as a person. Your friends, family, and work colleagues see the reputation you’ve built for yourself, and they’re not going to be likely to believe something that goes against that. (Check out confirmation bias – it’s actually a real psychology thing.) Give your circle some credit, and trust that the only ones who will believe the lies are the ones you don’t need in your life anyway.
• Fear that others will judge you: Are you worried that you’re not being supportive enough of your partner? Guess what – this one is all within your control, too. The only person who should matter right now is you. I promise, the world isn’t going to end if you put yourself first sometimes. Sure, there are people who judge others for silly, trivial things, but in my life, I don’t have anyone who would judge me for leaving a toxic relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. If you do, it’s highly likely that they are also
• Fear of violence against you or your loved ones: While manipulation and physical abuse are not quite the same thing, in some cases they may overlap. Especially if you have children or pets, it’s normal to be worried that these threats may become reality at any point in time. As hard as it may be, once violence has been threatened or committed, you need to get out of that situation – as soon as possible. It is possible for an abusive person to recover and change, but you don’t need to be there while it happens, and you don’t need to give them a second chance. Period.
• Fear of being alone/homeless/poor: If the source of the manipulation is also your financial support – whether your job, your partner, your roommate, or your family – it can be especially hard to leave, because you may not have anywhere to go. In fact, many people remain in abusive situations because they can’t afford to live on their own. But it doesn’t have to be like that – your manipulator has just twisted your circumstances. While being homeless isn’t exactly glamorous, staying on someone’s couch or in your car, temporarily, is probably not as emotionally draining as staying where you are. In most cases, it’s not as cut-and-dry as the abuser makes it seem, either. Most likely, you have a friend, family member, or local volunteer group that’s able to help you out until you get back on your feet. Ask around – there are more good people in the world than you know!

Try to separate yourself from the behavior.

One of the most important things to remember when dealing with someone manipulative is that, contrary to what they may say, you’re not the problem – they are. Most people don’t spend their time tearing down someone else. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else – a manipulative person simply believes that they are entitled to control another person. They can’t fully love and appreciate someone unless they match their exact definitions, and as humans, we weren’t designed to fit into someone else’s box.

It’s also pretty important that you avoid feeling sorry for yourself. While you did have the unfortunate luck of crossing paths with this person, self-pity is only going to bring you down. This will distract you from your true worth and prevent you from fighting back in the future. And I know it might be hard, due to your empathetic nature, but you do need to fight back.

Once you’ve fully separated yourself from the way you’re being treated, it’s a little easier to reject the unhealthy behaviors when they happen. Often, victims of manipulation are too empathetic, and they set themselves up to be hurt. You don’t need to leave the relationship, if you’ve built a life together (and there’s no threat of violence), but you do need to stop feeding into this behavior. When you allow it to continue, it will intensify. Consider discussing it with your partner – if it was unintentional and/or she is willing to change the behavior, you can give her a chance to prove it. Just be sure that you stay consistent in rejecting it.

Fully picture your life without this person in it.

Examine your life as a whole, and compare this person’s reach in it. Does she actually affect you positively? Would your life be better or worse if she wasn’t in it? It’s definitely possible that life will get worse for a little while, but it’s important to consider that correcting patterns of abuse is a long process – often taking much longer than the process of getting back on your feet. Still, only you fully understand the role this person plays in your life, and how important she is in your big-picture plans.

It’s also worth remembering that sometimes, plans fall through – and that’s okay. This is coming from someone who has dealt with literally 9 different paper planners this year, as well as a few different productivity apps – I know how bad it sucks when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to, especially if you put a lot of work into them. But sometimes, you need to let go of the “tolerable” in order to reach for the “amazing”. If this person brings you more fear and worry than they bring you happiness and joy, you need to let them go – no matter who they are.

Often, when the person in question is a partner or a family member, we don’t want to think of what life would be like without them. But questioning their behaviors, as well as the benefits and drawbacks of staying versus leaving, helps you to define what’s important to you.

You might find that, after your self-exploration, that you’re not habitually picking up the phone as soon as it rings. You might let go of some of the guilt of not being available when they need you for trivial things, because you’ve decided to put yourself first. You might even find that others can see this change in your confidence and self-respect, even though they might not be able to see the root cause, but you might find unintended bonuses, such as promotions and maybe even a new love interest.

You’ll never know until you try – so promise yourself that you come first, and other people’s manipulation can take a hike.

[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

Wondering if your relationship might be taking a turn toward a dark and scary path? We want to take a minute to teach you how to detect gaslighting in your own relationships.

If you’re not familiar with the term, let me take a minute to fill you in. Gaslighting is where one person manipulates another person into losing their sense of mental clarity and stablility, whether intentionally or unintentionally. The word itself comes from an old movie, where a man slowly drove his wife to the brink of insanity, in an attempt to eventually murder her.

The reality is that most cases of gaslighting aren’t anywhere near that bad, but that doesn’t mean that they’re any less painful. In fact, when done effectively, gaslighting can have long-term effects that last long after the relationship has even ended – how many of these signs can you see in your relationships?

Stage 1: You notice that something seems strange about your partner’s behavior.

Maybe at first, you can’t really put into words what it is, but you just know that there’s something off about the way she’s acting. Sometimes, this stage happens very early on in the relationship – as early as the first few dates! Once the gaslighting process has started, it’s not likely to resolve itself. This stage is the time that many people reflect on, and may even feel that they “should have known”.

It’s important to understand that people are different, though, and just because someone’s initial behavior isn’t what you’re accustomed to doesn’t automatically mean that you’re being gaslighted. This explains why most people choose to overlook this early warning sign. It is completely possible that the first time your partner rubbed you the wrong way, it was an innocent mistake and it’s not an intentional attack on your sanity. But if it happens over and over again, it’s important that you understand the signs.

For those who want to address any potential gaslighting cases early on, simply bring the behavior up to your partner, and assess her response. If it seems that she wants to reach a compromise, or she can at least express why she acted unexpectedly, it’s probably worth giving her a chance – but keep in mind that some abusers may plead for a compromise, simply to get their way again. Be aware that the pattern may be popping up, and be ready to address it again, in greater detail.

Stage 2: You feel the need to defend yourself to your abuser.

After you notice a pattern of manipulation, the next logical step is to try and defend yourself against your perceived attacker. Of course, you care about this person, so you want to keep things civil. You may initially deny the impact that the manipulation is having on you. After all – it might be all in your head… Right? But, society has conditioned us to think that our mental state isn’t important, so we push it aside.

You may find yourself telling your gaslighter that you’re not crazy, you’re not stressed, and you’re not just being emotional. It’s very important for you to maintain that these things don’t have control over you, but unfortunately, the more we deny them, the more power they have. You might even find yourself working even harder to prove that the other person’s accusations about you are wrong – which, in an intentionally manipulative situation, is exactly what the other person wants. Whether it’s intentional or not, it still starts to pick away at you until it takes over your mind.

Not only are you driving yourself crazy at this point, but you’re also helping to shape the relationship you have with this person. If you repeatedly over-achieve in response to their demands, they’ll begin demanding even more – which you will be expected to over-achieve, yet again. Instead, you should focus on clarifying what is a reasonable expectation for you, and only commit to the things you can do without undue stress. Otherwise, the next stage is going to hit you hard.

Stage 3: You become depressed.

By stage three, your abuser’s words have become ingrained into your everyday thought process, and they really don’t have to do much anymore – you’re already doing all of the work. You barely recognize the person you’ve become, against your will, and you feel isolated from your friends and family. Even if the person gaslighting you isn’t the one keeping you from your friends and family, you start to feel that you’re failing, and you wouldn’t want to disappoint them, too.

If you’re not in this stage, it’s easy to look on it and say that there’s a problem, but sadly, since gaslighting happens slowly and over time, you might not be able to catch the problem before it spirals out of control. An unfortunate side effect of this relationship dynamic is that, the more depressed you become, the more you cling to your partner because they’re “all you have left”. If the gaslighting is happening in another area of your life, you may still withdraw from those closest to you.

If you find yourself becoming depressed, whether it has something to do with your partner or not, I’m begging you… Please get help. There’s no shame in reaching out when the world gets too tough to handle. Even if your relationship is perfectly happy and healthy, aside from your depression, she isn’t going to have the necessary tools to help you. Don’t treat depression lightly – it could cost you your life.

The Bad News

Gaslighting isn’t even just a romantic thing – it’s entirely possible that you can be gaslighted by friends, family, coworkers, and even your dog. (OK, maybe not the dog – unless your dog is significantly smarter than mine.) Of course, we’d hope that none of these people would do anything to intentionally hurt us, but that’s not always true. What’s more is that gaslighting doesn’t even have to be intentional – it may start with a simple mistake and progress over time, particularly when one person is more assertive and the other is more empathetic. These are both excellent traits to have – but the combination of the two with certain other traits may cause some problems.

What warning signs should you look out for?

While gaslighting can take many forms, and often goes around relatively undetectable (by design), there are a few signs that you should keep an eye out for. It’s normal for some of these things to happen some of the time, but if you see a strong pattern forming, try talking it out with your partner. If talking doesn’t work, remove yourself from that person’s company – before it’s too late.

• Do you regularly second-guess yourself in conversations with this person?
• Do you regularly ask yourself if you’re being too sensitive, especially after conversations with this person?
• Do you often feel flustered, confused, or even “crazy” when they are around?
• Do you apologize obsessively when you’ve done nothing reasonably wrong?
• Do you feel unhappy with this particular area of your life, even if it’s “everything you wanted”?
• Do you make excuses for this person when speaking to others (especially when they’re not around)?
• Do you keep certain parts of your interaction with this person private, out of fear that you’ll have to defend them?
• Do you sense that something is wrong, but have a hard time vocalizing what it is?
• Do you feel the need to lie to or hide things from your partner, to avoid their negative reactions?
• Do you feel anxiety over the small decisions that involve you and this person, or doubt your ability to make the “right” choice?
• Do you feel that you used to be/need to be a completely different person than you are now?
• Do you feel like the area of your life that this person resides in has sucked all of your joy and happiness away?
• Do you find yourself regularly asking if you’re “good enough” – a good enough girlfriend/wife, a good enough employee, a good enough friend…?
• Do you feel that you can’t do anything right, and that your efforts are wasted?

How many counts as “too many”? You’ll need to use your own judgment here, but remember to be honest with yourself when you’re counting everything up. No matter what you may have been led to believe, the only person who has to be in your life forever is yourself – so be good to yourself, and make yourself a priority. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s good to stand your ground when you’re being treated unfairly. And there is hope.

The Good News

The good news is that, once you’ve noticed and identified the pattern, there is power to change it. If it’s done early enough, it may even save the relationship. Of course, changing a problem this big will require that both people be 100% committed to making the changes necessary – otherwise, the old habits are likely to crop back up again.

We’ve done our best to outline the best practices when you do notice a pattern forming, and these patterns should work well no matter what your relationship with the gaslighter. Not every relationship can be fixed, though, so it’s important that you discuss these steps with the other person before moving forward. You can’t do it all on your own, and you shouldn’t have to try.