Tag Archives: Lesbian relationship

Why You Should Ask What She Wants in the Bedroom (And Not Just Assume)

There’s a myth that we, as lesbians, automatically know what our sexual partners want – but it’s exactly that, a MYTH!

Sometimes when we’re with someone for awhile, we tend to think that we can predict what they’ll like in the bedroom. This is sometimes true, for partners who have good communication – but it’s important to realize that the communication is a necessary part of this process.

In the lesbian community, many of us propagate the myth that “women know what women want”. To some degree, this is true; we can infer the things that are applicable to all women… But quite frankly, these all-encompassing rules are few and far between.

This is especially true when it comes to a newer relationship or one that is specifically focused on sex.

Why, you may ask?


1. Every woman is different.

There may be common interests between you and your partner, or your current partner and your previous partners, but no two women are exactly alike. What turns one woman on can completely turn off another – and this is something you won’t know for sure unless you actually ask.


2. Some women don’t even know what they want.

Sure, we might have an idea of the things we like, but that doesn’t mean that we know everything about ourselves. If you assume that you know her better than she knows herself, you’re most likely greatly mistaken. You might know a bit more about her mannerisms than she does, but that doesn’t mean you can see through her and know what all of her interests are, especially if she doesn’t even know them herself.


3. There’s a chance she agrees to things because she knows/thinks you like them.

This can be particularly damaging if you are both just going along with the flow. If you don’t like ear kissing, for example, but you assume she loves it because she’s never said otherwise. She doesn’t say anything because she thinks you enjoy kissing her ears. In all reality, neither one of you may be satisfied with this experience, but you’re just trying to go with it to please your partner. Do you see the problem here?


4. She might think you won’t enjoy the activities she wants the most.

I’ve been guilty of this in the past – I’ve kept my desires to myself in the hopes that my partner will suggest the things she wants, and I can either agree or disagree, and that’s that. But along with #2, this means that we could be denying something just because we’ve never tried it before, or it could simply not come to mind because it’s not something we actually enjoy ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that we’re not willing to do it, just that it’s not something we’d think to suggest.


5. She may have fantasies she’s embarrassed to express.

It can be tough to open up, especially in a new relationship. Some sexual fantasies are particularly tricky to eloquently bring up, especially when one partner is shy and/or inexperienced. But you never know what you could be missing if you keep things inside. You never know, you might share these fantasies and you’d never even guess.


6. Communication is vital in every aspect of your relationship!

You can’t expect to read your partner’s mind, nor should she be expected to read yours. This applies to all the various components in your relationship – perhaps your sexual relationship most of all. If you don’t communicate your wants, needs, and desires, at least one of you is likely to be unsatisfied with the relationship.

Ladies, there’s a whole world of sexual experiences out there, and if you limit yourself to the assumptions of your partner (or yourself), you could be missing things and not even know it. Not everyone is into everything, and that’s okay.

Easy Online Lesbian Dating Guide: Be Simple, Be Honest, Be Cautious

Is it a flaw in our society that we find our dates on the internet these days?

In the last few years, the prevalence of online dating has increased dramatically, with an average of 10% meeting their current partner on the internet in 2015 alone. These amounts vary greatly depending on what the person is looking for – for example, up to 80% of gay men meet their partners in the online world. This is a huge rise from 14% in 2001. Considering the specifics of the gay community, this is a big deal!

Why is online dating so popular these days? Well, between the availability of online dating apps such as Zoosk, Badoo, and Tinder and the difficulty of finding someone in the “real world”, we’re becoming more reliant on the internet as a whole. I even found my current partner on the internet – although not through any of the typical channels (we met through Facebook after I became friends with her cousin, but that’s a much longer story).

So… Is it a flaw in our society that we find our dates on the internet these days? Well, I don’t think so.

Meeting partners through the internet allows us to learn more about them from the comfort of our own homes, without the stress involved with the traditional dating methods. There are definitely a number of things to look out for – such as “romantic scams”, which involve one party getting money and gifts from the other party without ever meeting in person.

However, for those who are cautious and impose their own rules, these risks can be minimized.

Interested in dating online? Here are the ground rules we recommend for your safety and satisfaction.


1. Don’t lie on your profiles.

Lying will soon be found out, and then you’ve just wasted the time of you and your partner.


2. Don’t use old photos.

If you use a photo that doesn’t look like you do now, meeting up with your date can be an embarrassing experience. We all want to put our best foot forward, but you shouldn’t be misleading.


3. Don’t agree to send money or gifts to anyone you don’t know.

This should be a given, but some people are very trusting of others. Generally speaking, this isn’t a good thing on the internet. Sure, there are more “good people” than “bad people” on the internet, but anyone who’s genuinely a good person won’t expect you to pay them without even knowing them.


4. Don’t lie to your friends and family about what you’re doing when you go on a date.

It’s sad that this even has to be mentioned, but the truth is, people do get raped and murdered by people they meet on the internet.

Sure, this can be extended to people you meet through friends as well, and even people you’ve personally known for a long time – but it’s much easier to avoid if you tell at least one reliable person where you’re going to be and who you’re supposed to be meeting with. Consider arranging for a call at some point to make sure you’re ok. It’s a good idea to discuss a “code word” just in case it’s not safe to say what’s really going on.


5. Be honest with yourself (and your matches) about what you want.

There are a good number of people who are looking for just sex (about 12%), a great deal of people who are looking for a casual relationship (about 70%), and a fair amount of people who are looking for someone to marry (about 11%). There’s no reason to be misleading about your intentions – you can find the person you want if you’re honest.

Take selfies! Women who take selfies are about 4% more likely to get a date through online dating apps and websites if they take selfies. Full-body selfies can up this to 203% more responses!


6. Don’t get desperate.

Up to 1/3 of people who date online don’t ever actually make a date with anyone they meet online – and that’s ok. The best relationships tend to happen when you’re not looking, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily give up. If you really want to find someone, you can. The internet is a big place. Just make sure it’s not the only place you look.


All in all, the important thing to remember if you choose to date online is to be safe and honest, and don’t set your expectations too high. The right woman is out there for you. She just might not be on the other side of the screen.

10 Times You Have To Get Over Your Ex (All Over Again)

When you go through a break-up, it can be an intense process filled with a bunch of emotions. There’s undoubtedly going to be a bit of hurt from whoever was dumped. At least one of the partners could still be emotionally attached to their ex, whether consciously or subconsciously, and the truth is this may come up for years, even if you think you’re completely over her.

The first few things will obviously hurt a lot – but as you go on, you can learn to accept these things as necessary steps in the process. Be honest with yourself (and any partners you may have during this recovery period) in order to ensure that there are no unnecessary hurt feelings.


Time #1: The first full day without her.

If you and your ex lived together, it can be a bit rough the first full day you spend by yourself. You’re used to her sleeping in your bed, and now you have the whole bed to yourself. Even if ending the relationship was your idea, there’s still likely to be a great deal of attachment to the ex at this point, and you shouldn’t rush yourself through it. Instead of focusing on the empty space, you should focus on the extra room. Now you can stretch out and take all the pillows!


Time #2: The first time you hear “your song”.

If you and your ex had “a song” that perfectly summed up your relationship, it can be a little tough to listen to that song on your own. However, if possible, try to think of the last time you heard that song before getting with your ex. Think about the memories that were associated with it before she came into the picture, instead of the associations to her. Don’t avoid the song, just put a different emphasis on it.


Time #3: The first time you run across one of her old things.

In a perfect world, your ex will take all of her stuff with her when she exits your life. This doesn’t always happen, though, as people are human and we tend to forget things. Try to be mature about it; resist the urge to rip it to shreds, and instead see if a mutual contact will pass it along to her. Don’t try and deliver it yourself, and don’t hang onto it – it’s not healthy to hold on tightly to a part of your life that no longer holds relevance.


Time #4: The first time you come across pictures of her.

If you guys were together for awhile, you might have tons of pictures together. If it’s too painful for you to look at them, you may be tempted to burn or delete them (depending on whether they were printed or digital). I am actually big on throwing things away, and I find it difficult to hang on to painful memories. (I’ve had probably a hundred journals in my life, and when the memories in them are too painful, I enjoy setting fire to them – literally. I’ll admit this isn’t a healthy reaction, but it can be pretty cathartic.)

Instead of blindly ruining all these things, you should set aside some time to evaluate them individually. For example, pictures that hold deep personal significance for you that aren’t strictly related to the ex should be kept – but maybe out of sight until the pain subsides. If there were any naked pictures, don’t post them on the internet… Just delete them. Think of how you’d feel if she did the same to you, and try to act with dignity.


Time #5: The first time you see her in public.

If you guys live far apart, this probably won’t be a problem – but if she lives nearby or you have mutual friends, it can be a bit tough when you run into each other in public. Don’t make snide comments toward her; this won’t make anything better. Try to be cordial. You don’t have to be friendly if you’re hurting, but you should be adult enough to be civil toward her.


Time #6: The first time you want sex.

Many of us have fallen into the trap of going back to an ex for a strictly-sexual relationship. The truth is, it can be very difficult to maintain a no-strings-attached relationship with someone you once felt (or still feel) a deep, personal connection with. Instead of going back to your ex to satisfy your needs, or reaching out to someone new when you’re not fully healed, it’s a much better idea to simply “do the job yourself”. Some ladies aren’t really into doing the deed themselves, and this is fine too; but if you’re not desperate enough to take things into your own hands, you certainly shouldn’t be desperate enough to crawl back to your ex.


Time #7: Your first date with someone new.

Assuming you have already healed (you have already taken the time to heal, right?) you might be set back when you begin dating someone new. No matter how “over it” you think you are, the reality is that we can’t simply forget and move on. All the things you did wrong with your ex should be on your mind – but the things your ex did wrong shouldn’t be held against your new lady. Unless she is actually committing the same indiscretions that your ex did, make sure you don’t punish her for mistakes she had nothing to do with.


Time #8: The first fight with your new lady.

Chances are, when you have your first big fight with your new love interest, your mind will be reeling with comparisons to your exes. Sometimes these past fights are good to remember – for example, if you’re fighting about something now that you’ve fought with an ex about, and both women feel that it’s your fault… Well, you might want to take this to heart. Examine whether their complaints are reasonable, and whether it’s something you can fix. Likewise, if your new lady shares some of the “bad” traits that your ex had, it may be helpful to determine whether it’s something you can learn to live with or if it’s truly a fault you’ll need to avoid in your future relationships. No one can truly answer these questions for you.


Time #9: The first time your ex tries to get between you and your new lady.

Obviously, this doesn’t always happen – but it happens often enough that it should be considered. Sometimes, time teaches us that we’ve made a hasty decision in moving on, and the person from our past was truly perfect for us. In other cases, the ex may be trying to stir up drama and nothing has changed. It’s up to you to decide whether or not to take this risk. People can change, but it’s not automatic – it has to be an effort from both parties.


Time #10: Your wedding day.

Not everyone gets married, but for those who do, there’s often a lot of debate on whether or not to invite your ex. If you’re still friends with your ex (or if you’re friends again, after a period of rest), you might be considering whether they should be invited.

Personally, I feel that the answer is no, but I’ve had a series of horrible break-ups, and I do understand that there are some cases where the decision to split was mutual. It’s up to you and your future wife to decide if your ex will be welcome at your wedding – you should never hide the fact that you had a former romantic and/or sexual history with this woman in order to secure her an invite.

If you don’t have anything to hide, there’s probably no problem with it – but be aware that there’s a chance it could lead to #9 (if it hasn’t already happened yet). If you aren’t confident that your ex will be civil, or that your future wife will be secure with your ex there, it’s best to leave the invitation out.


There are a million other times when your ex may come back into your mind, but it’s important to evaluate each of these times and determine the appropriate, mature response to the situation. Everyone has different circumstances and this guide isn’t the be-all and end-all to everything.

It’s merely a reference tool to be used to help you navigate through the unfamiliar territory.

Never Regret Experimenting

Some time ago, I was dating a girl who I thought was perfect for me. We had been friends for most of our lives, and I found myself incredibly attracted to her.

I knew all about her troubled past, but I was willing to look past it because I also knew about her family and the ways they had pushed her towards some unsavory behavior.

That is… Until I found out that she was cheating on me with a large number of people. I had given her a chance, and she had turned out to be everything I didn’t want in a partner.

I went into a bit of confusion, and reeling from this experience left me questioning everything about myself. Obviously, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I thought she was perfect for me, after all, and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I ended up going “back into the closet” and dating men for awhile. I made quite a few poor decisions during this time (about a year), but my choice to question my sexuality was never one of them.

I had come out of the closet at a fairly young age, after a fair amount of confusion; I felt that it was possible that I had taken things that happened to me and allowed them to shape who I became, in a way that wasn’t necessarily accurate.

However, after this dating of men, it became incredibly apparent to me that I was not, in fact, attracted to men after all. Although my preference of women over men may have happened right around the same time as some bad things happened to me, the two weren’t as interconnected as I had thought as a teenager.

Now, in the lesbian community, there’s a bit of stigma surrounding women who have had sex with men, but choose to identify as lesbians.

Many see us as “bisexual” despite the fact that a label is something you set for yourself – and often, if a woman feels that you have been dishonest about your sexuality, she may dismiss you entirely – and I ran into this a fair amount in my subsequent dating life.

A fair amount of this is based on biphobia, which is its own problem, but other women’s rejection of my self-imposed label felt like a slap in the face.

For women who have never had sex with a man, it can be difficult for them to wrap their head around the idea of a woman who has. I’ve never been a good liar, so I don’t even try – I have always been upfront with the women I’ve pursued when it comes to my past.

When it comes to dating men, I’ve never been particularly proud of my choices, but the fact remains that if I hadn’t examined these feelings, the questioning would always be there.

This is often what leads women to consider relationships with other women in the first place – their uncertainty surrounding their heterosexuality. Why, then, was it so different for me to transition to “bi-curiosity” in the other direction?

For anyone who has any inkling of curiosity when it comes to dating the gender that they don’t typically date, I urge you to explore it – safely. You may face some contention when it comes to your future partners, but hopefully this will soon be an obsolete thing.

After all, I’ve always been a firm believer in “don’t knock it until you try it” – why is our sexuality treated differently than that?

In my personal experience, my experimentation only confirmed what I had previously thought: I am definitely very, very gay. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you if you find out one day that you’re not.

Sexuality is often said to be fluid and can change over the course of your life. What works one day may not necessarily be true the next. It doesn’t mean you were wrong or that your sexuality was just a phase, it means that you’re human and you have changed.

Why Dating A Stem Is Pretty Much The Best

When it comes to lesbians, there are typically two main categories that we’re broken into: That would be, studs and femmes. However, many lesbians choose to stay somewhere in the middle area – I like to call that stem territory. (Stem = stud + femme, for those who weren’t aware.)

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Other people refer to this as “verses”, “no labels”, or any variety of words, really, because the labels you assign yourself happen to be a matter of personal preference.

Don’t get me wrong – I love all women. On a fundamental level, none of us is any better than any others, and this article isn’t meant to convey superiority. But in the interest of equality, shouldn’t we all be striving for actual equality? Stems and no-labels happen to fit the bill perfectly in this regard.

Here are my top 10 reasons why dating a stem is something everyone should experience in their lives!


1. They don’t care about your stereotypes.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with stereotypes, in theory. They’re there because they serve a purpose, whether it’s for the person submitting themselves to the stereotype or the person assigning the stereotype. However, when you turn the stereotypes on their face, you force the people to actually accept you as you are – and that’s a beautiful thing!


2. They look great in anything.

Stems can rock basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt one day, and the next day they could step out in an evening gown and some heels. It’s great because some days you want to look extra stunning, and other days you might not want to put forth the effort. A stem will easily understand if you, too, don’t want to put forth that same effort sometimes – it’s hard work trying to fit the same label all the time!


3. You basically have two girlfriends.

Some of the stems I know even have separate personas for their multiple labels. No, that doesn’t mean they’re crazy, just that they identify in a non-binary way that lets you have two different girlfriends: The one rocking Jordans and the one rocking Louboutins – and neither one is mad because they share the same body.

Win-win! (And if you happen to have a stem with curly hair and glasses, this can be extra fun… A straightener and some contacts will up the “girlfriend” count to 8. It’s pretty great, actually.)


4. They’re down for whatever.

Going to the ballet? She’s down, because she spent six years in ballet classes when she was a kid. Going to the hockey game? Even better, she’ll cheer louder than everyone else in the arena. Stems don’t like to limit themselves for anything, and they won’t expect you to limit yourself to just the interests that “fit” with your image.


5. They’re easy going!

OK, so technically this isn’t inclusive of all stems, nor does it exclude all who fit into a predefined label. But generally speaking, stems don’t really care what you choose to label yourself as, because they haven’t labeled themselves either. They just don’t care. And if you do have a specific preference in a partner, they’re likely willing to accommodate – within reason.

You want a femme? She’ll be the girliest girl you’ve ever seen on every date. You prefer studs? Watch her rock a pinstriped suit like a boss.


6. They’re independent.

Because they don’t choose to limit themselves to the “traditionally male” or “traditionally female” roles, they’re more ready to open themselves to the possibility of whatever life throws at them. They may lift weights so that they can open their own jars without you, and they might know how to give a killer manicure because they just spent all of last week obsessing over the perfect nail polish shades.

There’s something extra sexy about knowing your girl wants you, but she doesn’t need you.


7. They get to play “spy”.

The stems that I know can present themselves as more masculine when they’re hanging out with their guy friends, or they can present themselves as more feminine when they’re hanging out with their girl friends. It’s not an exact science, but being able to fit in with the straight community is pretty helpful in this day and age where lesbians are presumed to be more accepted, but in reality they’re just more sexualized.

By being “one of the guys” with their straight male friends, and “one of the girls” with their straight female friends, they can influence the topic of discussion away from the “Are you sure you’re gay?” and the “I’m not sure I’m straight”, respectively.


8. Studs – they’ll teach you how to be more feminine.

Maybe you don’t think you need to be more feminine, and that’s ok. But when you date a stem, she’ll probably show you how fun it can be to lay back and be the “pillow princess” – even if you’d prefer to be called Batman. Stems can teach you the things that you’re missing out on by putting up your masculine face first.


9. Femmes – they’ll teach you how to be more masculine.

Just like with the studs, maybe you’re comfortable with your current balance. That’s fine, and she should never force you into anything you don’t want to do. But if you have yet to experience how sexy it can be when she looks at you and says “I want you to take me right now” – well, you’re in for a treat!


10. They look the same naked anyway.

This doesn’t specifically refer to stems, but I’ve chosen to include it because, at the end of the day, your lady is still going to be your lady, regardless of how she chooses to dress. Why limit yourself to someone who fits into this stereotype that you’ve defined?


Stem girls will still be the same person at the end of the day that they were yesterday, a week ago, or two years ago. And isn’t that what really matters?

Why Falling For Your Best Friend is the Hardest Love to Get Over

I’m a strong advocate for the “friends first” approach to relationships. If you can’t be friends with someone, what are the chances that you’ll really make it in a relationship? I know there are some who don’t agree with this philosophy, and even some who argue that your partner shouldn’t be like one of your friends – but I’ve never really been able to wrap my head around that.

The problem with my approach is that sometimes, you fall for the person you never intended to have a relationship with – the person who was your perfect platonic soul mate. The relationship is wonderful – you have everything in common, and the sex is incredible – but then things happen and one day it’s not so great anymore.

What do you do when someone you’ve been so close with for so long suddenly isn’t there for you like that anymore?

When I was 18, I began dating a girl who I had literally known my whole life. We were born on the same day, in the same hospital, and our parents had been friends long before our birth. Once upon a time, we shared everything – clothes, music, life goals, the works.

Then one day, I found myself crushing on her… Hard. I confessed my feelings to her, and she confessed a bit of curiosity as well. I knew that she had some issues in her path that would no doubt make the relationship difficult. But I told myself, “It’s different with me. It has to be.”

But it wasn’t, and we didn’t date for very long. I still cared a lot about her, but I wasn’t willing to deal with the things that were a requirement for her in a relationship. I required exclusivity and monogamy, which were things she had long told me she was unwilling to provide to a partner. I had assumed things would be different because we had such a long history, but the truth is, you can’t expect to be the exception, or you’re going to get hurt.

That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with her, or anything wrong with me – just that we weren’t a good fit for a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, being 18 years old at the time, I didn’t see it that way, and I lashed out a bit. I made some unwise choices and found myself (ultimately) paying for my bad choices, while she seemed to have suffered no consequences for it – and that only made things worse.

I spent a good deal of my time trying to force myself over her, so much so that I began to resent her. Inwardly I knew it wasn’t her fault that I had overlooked everything she ever told me – but it was easier to place the blame on her than to take responsibility for my poor judgment. I was a mess, and I thought it was all her fault. (It wasn’t.) After awhile, I began to think it was all my fault. (It wasn’t.) The truth is, relationship problems aren’t ever all anyone’s fault – regardless of the specific problems you may face.

I’d like to think that we’d still be friends today if I hadn’t professed my feelings to her, but I know that’s probably not true. She made some shady choices in the time since we broke up, and we had naturally grown apart. It’s not easy to maintain a friendship over an entire lifetime, after all, and I know I’m not a perfect person either.

Do I judge her for some of her past mistakes? Sure I do. Does she judge me for some of mine? I have no doubts. Does this mean I shouldn’t have told her how I felt? Absolutely not.

If I had never told her how I felt, I would never have truly moved past those feelings. It would have been this thing at the back of my mind for the rest of my life, and would have potentially sacrificed other valuable relationships whenever this friend came into the picture. Plus, it would have hurt to keep it bottled up.

The fact is, “best friend” love is tough to recover from, because we often form such a tight bond with the person before we even consider the possibility of loving them. This bond, mixed with any sexual chemistry you may find, provides a much deeper love than your average casual relationship. (Although, it is important to realize that this type of “best friend” bond often comes with time over the course of a meaningful relationship, too, but the fact that your BFF was your best friend first makes it extra hard to go back to just being friends.)

Ladies, I urge you to discuss your feelings when they become necessary. Bottling things up doesn’t solve anything, it won’t make them go away, they just breed and grow in the dark like bacteria. (I’m not much for feelings, can you tell?) Whether you choose to explore those feelings with the friends they pertain to is a matter of personal choice, but she could really be the love of your life. You’ll never know if you don’t explore it.

The Difference Between A Mature Relationship And An Immature Relationship

I’ve been in a lot of relationships over the course of my life. (Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely my fair share.) Almost always, we want to think that the relationship we’re in is worth the effort that we put into it – and usually it is. The good experiences bring us good memories, and the bad experiences bring us good lessons. That’s not to say that every relationship is equal, though; there are definitely a number of factors that play into determining whether a relationship was handled maturely or not.

These defining characteristics may be incredibly obvious. For example, if you end up in a fist fight over who gets to choose the TV channel – that’s not a healthy relationship and you should definitely move on, as soon as possible. Other times, these criteria are a bit more subtle and it takes a bit of examination to discern whether they’re worth staying in the relationship and investing more time.


Difference #1: What you’re willing to spend

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An immature relationship is built on gifts and monetary spending. One partner (or maybe even both!) will pamper the other with little tokens of their affection, but they won’t be willing to invest their time and attention into building the relationship.

A mature relationship will instead focus on the time spent together and making sure that it’s valuable. That’s not to say that you can’t still give your partner gifts – many women love gifts! But it shouldn’t be an expectation, nor should it be the primary basis for your relationship.

That being said…


Difference #2: Your time

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An immature relationship will have the partners wanting to spend all their time together, sometimes at the expense of their other commitments. They never get tired of being around each other, and they never need their own time to do their own thing.

A mature relationship will instead focus on making the best use of the time spent together. Instead of being around each other every minute of every day, they will understand that there are sometimes other commitments that take precedence.

Even though the couple may live together, they don’t take that to mean that they should be attached at the hip. Even if the commitments are just to yourself – such as a hobby you enjoy that your partner does not – a mature relationship will allow both partners to explore themselves in addition to “the couple”.


Difference #3: Your friends

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An immature relationship seeks to inject the partner into all of the friendships of one another. This isn’t automatically a bad thing, as it’s always nice meeting new people and networking. However, not everyone gets along perfectly, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

A mature relationship allows the partners to spend time with their friends, regardless of whether their partner can (or is willing to) come with them. This plays into the time apart, because it’s really not healthy to spend all your time with the same people, nor is it healthy to ignore your friends simply because your partner isn’t particularly fond of them. (That’s not how you keep your friends!)


Difference #4: Your family

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An immature relationship may separate their relationship from their family, whether it’s due to them not being out of the closet, or their partner isn’t fond of their family, or even just because they don’t want to mix the two aspects of their selves. On the other hand, an immature relationship may seek to immerse your new relationship into the family right away.

This is particularly true if you live with your parents, although it can extend to anyone.

A mature relationship sees their partnership as a new family. This means that sometimes they may intertwine, and other times they do not. I don’t feel that anyone should be forced to come out to their family if they’re not comfortable doing so, but if your partner just isn’t fond of your family – a mature girlfriend will still accept them as being a part of who you are.

Relationships (both familial and romantic) require a bit of intermingling sometimes in order to build closeness.


Difference #5: Your appearance

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An immature relationship means both people will try their hardest to look perfect for one another. They spend extra time getting ready, even if just for a quick meeting.

A mature relationship doesn’t care how the other partner looks. Undoubtedly they’ve seen each other at their worst already, so there’s not as much emphasis on the looks. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t try to get dressed up for each other every now and then, but it’s not a big deal if they’re having a “lazy day” sometimes.


Difference #6: Your intimacy

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An immature relationship builds its intimacy on the physical plane. Whether this means sex, making out, or even simply cuddling is up to the partners involved, but the two don’t really delve deep into the aspects of what makes them who they are.

A mature relationship adds to the physical intimacy with emotional closeness. The partners will be able to discuss the things that are bothering them, memories from their childhood, and all manner of things to draw them closer together. Hopefully they don’t abandon the physical aspects that were present in the beginning, but there should be much more than that.


Difference #7: Fighting and arguing

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An immature relationship has no fighting. Minor altercations are likely to cause a break-up, so they’re avoided when possible. One or both partners may suppress their inner thoughts out of fear of chasing the other away, so they’re left holding onto things until they blow up or simply leave.

A mature relationship understands that some fights are worth having. Certainly not everything, but if it’s a big deal – it’s going to be a fight. But a mature relationship also understands that not every fight is worth breaking up over, and they will do their best to rationally move past these fights so that they can build a better future. In a mature relationship, neither partner denies responsibility when they have done wrong, and neither partner places the full blame on the other partner. They work through things together to reach a stronger conclusion.


With all these differences, it can seem like it’s a race to get to maturity – but that’s not really the right way to approach it. Relationships need time to mature on their own, and if you force it before your partner is ready you may end up alienating them. There’s no rush – not all relationships are meant to make it in the long term! This might seem like doomed thinking, but really, it’s not. If all relationships were meant to end in marriage, the divorce rate would be much higher than it already is.

Just have some fun, and the relationship will grow with you if it’s meant to. If it’s not moving along at the rate you’d like, consider talking about it to your partner, in a mutually safe space. Chances are, if you both have the same intentions, though, it’ll progress on its own without the need for you to interfere.

Minor Arguments Vs. Big Blowouts

Many people think that a healthy relationship means that you never fight. This isn’t true – not in the least! Never fighting is most likely to mean that at least one of you is keeping things bottled up, possibly serious issues that should be addressed immediately.

However, if you’re fighting all the time, this isn’t healthy either – in all good relationships, there needs to be a balance.

But, how do you know which fights are worth it?

Before you fight with your partner, you should ask yourself a few questions to see if it’s really worth fighting about. If the answer is yes, then by all means – don’t hesitate to speak up!

But if the answer is no, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.


Is this actually a problem, or is it just an annoyance?

If your partner is doing something that annoys you, it’s possible that she doesn’t even realize it. By picking a fight over it, rather than calmly discussing it, you might only be hurting her feelings.

And, if she does know that what she’s doing is irritating to you, she could be seeking a reaction – your anger in response to these actions will only add fuel to the fire. (Hey, we’d like to pretend that our partners don’t intentionally bug us…

But be honest, have you ever intentionally bothered a partner?)


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Will fighting about it change anything?

If you’re going to fight about something that your partner has no control over, such as the sound she makes when she’s chewing or the sound of her laugh, it can feel like an attack on herself.

Fighting with her about it will only hurt her feelings.


Is it recent and relevant?

If it’s something that you’ve already fought about, and your partner is obviously actively trying to fix the problem, you should be patient with her.

If it doesn’t seem like she’s trying, a gentle reminder can be nice – but there is a chance that she’s putting forth the effort that she can already.

Picking a fight about something in the past is likely to make her feel that her efforts are wasted, which can lead her to stop trying altogether.


Is it actually her fault?

You shouldn’t pick a fight with your partner if she doesn’t actually have anything to do with the problem. If you’re mad about work, for example, taking it out on your partner definitely won’t solve anything.

She’s there to be your support system, not your catch-all for every frustration. The same goes for things that are your problem.

A good partner will listen to your problems – but she shouldn’t absorb the anger over it.


Is it worth the potential of breaking up?

Sure, most fights don’t end in a break-up. But the fact of the matter is that some do.

If it’s not a big enough issue to risk the end of the relationship over, you probably should find a way to calmly discuss it, rather than turning it into a big deal.

Exercising these few questions before you pick a fight with your partner can help to alleviate some of the stress caused by misunderstandings and misguided frustrations.


By all means, some fights need to happen – you need to speak up when you feel that you are being taken advantage of, and you should definitely bring things to her attention if you feel she’s simply not seeing what she’s putting you through. But unnecessary fighting can just cause stress for all parties involved, and that’s not what you want.

The majority of problems, however, should be met with a calm, relaxed conversation. Wait until you’ve calmed down, maybe take a few notes, and process things before you bring them up.

This way you’re less likely to lash out, and you can address issues in a way that makes more sense to you both.

Top 6 Unique First Dates

In the current world of lesbian relationships, so many are started online – which, in a way, takes off a lot of the pressure.

There’s a higher likelihood that we know more about our new interest before we actually meet face-to-face, and can therefore set up a date that’s out of this world. But what if you’ve met a stellar girl and want to impress her with something other than dinner and a movie?

We tend to veer towards the cliché because it’s easy, but easy isn’t always good. In fact, if you’re just going to dinner and a movie, your date will be pretty unremarkable, and the appeal will be dependent on the quality of the food or the quality of the food or the production value of the movie… Not on your chemistry. Fear not, though!

We have compiled a list of dates that are sure to be memorable – from start to finish, these dates will cement your place as an innovator!

In no particular order, here are our top six:


1. An Aquarium or Zoo

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When’s the last time you even went to an aquarium or a zoo? If you’re like most people, it probably hasn’t been since elementary school. But if you and your date are both animal lovers, it can be a fun way to learn something new. And who doesn’t want to learn something new?

Aquariums even have the added bonus of low, romantic lighting and harmonic whale sounds… Extra sexy, just in case you decide you’d rather not pay attention to the animals as much as your animal magnetism. (Wink, wink.)


2. A Book Store or Library

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If you’re an avid reader, and your new boo is too, why wouldn’t a book store or a library be one of your top choices for a date? You can bond over your specific interests, and maybe even pick up some new reading material if you don’t happen to hit it off.

While the library is somewhat of a “cheap date” (your date may or may not see it this way), going to a book store will give you the opportunity to be ultra-suave and buy her a new book – maybe the next in a series she’s already reading, maybe one of your favorites…

Either way, this can be a great way for you to bond with someone who may eventually be #1 in your own personal book club.


3. The Mall

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Personally, I like going to the mall when I’m not sure of where I stand with a girl. (Past experiences have taught me that mall-window-shopping dates occasionally tell me that the girl I’m interested in actually has a boyfriend, but that’s another story.)

At least with a mall date, there’s no romantic atmosphere to get in the way – if it ends up not working out, hey, at least you got to browse Victoria’s Secret with a new friend, right?


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4. A Sports Game

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If you’re both interested in sports (or if she is, and you’re willing to go along with), why not consider a date at a sports game? I personally love hockey – and going to a hockey game with a girl I’m into gives me the opportunity to see how she responds when she’s excited and/or passionate.

This is great! Of course, if she’s not into sports, this isn’t a great option – you don’t want to bore her. Most girls are willing to check it out, though, so just ask! You might be surprised.


5. “Cruising”

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Cruising is a personal favorite of mine, provided that whoever is driving has a car with good fuel-economy. One of the best first dates I ever had was actually just driving around looking at Christmas lights – even though I never had a second date with this girl.

It’s a good chance for you to talk, enjoy some scenery, and if your hormones get the best of you, you can always pull over for a bit of making out. It’s a win-win!


6. A Picnic in the Park

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Once upon a time, picnics in the park weren’t such a rare thing, but nowadays it’s much less commonplace. This can be particularly great if you’ve got a particular dish that you cook exceptionally well – the old adage “The quickest way to the heart is through the stomach” – yeah, it means a lot more if you cook the food than if you buy it.

Even if you can’t cook to save your life, some sandwiches and a plush blanket can go a long way. This gives you a chance to talk, enjoy each other’s company, and ask a bunch of questions.

Once you’re done eating and talking, you can even channel your inner children and play on the playground equipment – have you ever gone swinging with someone you’re interested in?


While your individual results will vary depending on the interests that you and your new date happen to share, these are sure to be different than (at least the majority of) dates that she has already been on, and they keep the bar low just in case you decide that you’re better off as friends. (We don’t like to admit it, but it does happen sometimes.)

I’m always interested in hearing how it went, too – leave a comment here or on the KitschMix Facebook page and let me know!

Relationship Dilemmas: Songs Ruined By Exes

Those with a strong musical inclination may find themselves putting more emphasis into “your song” when it comes to you and your partner.

For me personally, I have a very strong association between certain songs, and the ladies they pertain to, and I know I’m not alone in this. But what happens when you break up – are these songs “cursed” now, doomed to be associated with the memories that the ex represents?

In my experience, this association is hard to control. Maybe we dedicated “Don’t Matter” by Akon to a girl who was hated by all of our family and friends – only to realize later that all their “hating” and “jealousy” over this person was actually well warranted.

Maybe you dedicated “Naked” by Avril Lavigne to some girl, only to find out later that she was actually getting “naked” with more people than you were comfortable with. Whatever the reason for the break-up, it’s important that you don’t let the failed relationship dictate the songs you can listen to.

Why?

Well, let’s translate this to another example: Say on your first date with this person, you went to your favorite restaurant, and the experience was phenomenal. Then a year or so later, you find out that this person is a complete jerk. Would you stop going to your favorite restaurant? Probably not – you’d just change who you go with.

I think it’s important to recognize the difference between an association and a curse. I might, for example, skip this song when thinking of a song to dedicate to a new love interest – but I wouldn’t delete it from my collection.

Sometimes memories are powerful, and your acceptance of this is important. Experiences (both good and bad) help to form future relationships in the way that we need to develop them.

A cheating ex, for example, teaches you that you aren’t willing to accept infidelity in your future relationships, and helps you to understand the signs of cheating in order to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of in the future.

An ex who is verbally abusive will teach you that you don’t want to put up with that in your new relationships, too. There are many examples that could be provided, but generally, the memory of these past indiscretions will help you in the future – don’t just dismiss these memories!

In that way, the associations can be good, too, even if the exact memories associated are bad. Listening to the songs that remind you of your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are still hung up on her (although if you find that you are, it’s best to not involve your new interest in these things – you’re probably not really ready to move on).

But bringing these memories to mind, you are actively reminding yourself of what you want and need. This is essential if you hope to meet your goals.

Remember, most relationships don’t last forever. It sucks, but it’s true. These bad experiences can (and usually are) helpful to your personal growth. Remembering the good things ensures that you strive for a partner who can fulfill the same needs that your previous partner(s) have fulfilled.

Remembering the bad things ensures that you won’t allow them to continue. Love (and life) are all about growth. Don’t dwell on the past, but use it to help you grow.

Are You A Victim Of Subtle Abuse?

When entering a relationship, most people know the obvious signs of abuse – that is, when your partner is verbally berating or physically attacking you on a regular basis. However, the more subtle signs can easily be just as important. Not only are they directly responsible for your personal happiness, but they also have the potential to turn into bigger problems if allowed to continue.

But, how do you know that you’re being abused if the signs are not so obvious? The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you are already aware of certain abusive patterns. If your partner is exhibiting any of the following signs, we urge you to discuss it with them before the problem becomes worse. In some cases, they may be unintentional and talking about them may help. If your partner becomes defensive when the issues are brought up, this is a good sign that it may be time to move on.


Your partner expects you to be faithful to him/her, but cannot offer you the same loyalty.

Some people are simply not cut out for monogamy, and this is fine – if you agree on it. If your partner expects you to commit to them while they can’t, it might be time to pack up your things.


Your partner tries to control who you can spend time with.

Initially, this isn’t likely to be a problem; you will actually agree with her if it’s better that you don’t spend time with that guy down the street who doesn’t “believe” that you’re gay. However, in some cases this can progress to the point where your partner tells you Your best friend doesn’t really care about you, you shouldn’t spend time with her anymore. This can eventually progress to I don’t think your family has your best interests at heart; you should stop talking to them. It’s important to examine all the clues in this scenario: Sometimes, your partner is right! Re-evaluating all of your relationships, whether romantic or familial or even just friendly is an important process. However, if you find that your partner is making these comments without grounds in facts, you may be being controlled.


Your partner expects you to do all the work.

I don’t care if this means that you are the sole wage earner and your partner chooses instead to play video games, or if it means that your partner refuses to do any work around the house, but expects it to be well maintained. An effective relationship is a partnership, and unless you can split the work in a way that satisfies both of you, one of you will become worn out and resentful over time.


Your partner has nothing positive to say about you.

This doesn’t pertain to a simple lack of compliments, which – while potentially hurtful – is not usually an indication of an abusive situation. Rather, I’m talking about their need to point out your flaws, without regard to your feelings. If they are unable to frame their criticism in the form of helpful feedback, it’s likely that they are inclined towards abusive behaviors – keep an eye out, and don’t allow more than you can handle.


Your partner has high demands for your physical appearance.

It’s one thing to want your partner to be attractive – we all do! It’s another thing entirely if your partner demands that you dress a certain way or alter your appearance (hair style, color, weight, etc.) in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is a grey area, because only you can determine what you are comfortable with, but a good partner should love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.


Your partner demands sexual activities that you aren’t comfortable with.

This is another grey area, as often we aren’t aware of our “kinks” until we have explored them fully. However, if you have explored something and have found that you truly are not willing to do it, and your partner insists – this is a problem. (Note: This pertains to unwanted sexual advances as well. Just because you and your partner are committed does not mean that they have control over your consent.)


Your partner threatens suicide or violence if you leave her.

This can be an exceptionally tough situation, in my personal experience. There will be part of you that wants to try harder to make the relationship work because, obviously, you truly care about this person, and you don’t want them dead or in jail. However, the only strategy I’ve personally found to overcome this is a willingness to step back, leave the situation, and let someone else handle it. I was lucky enough to have roommates when I was in a less-than-great relationship, and I was able to reach out to that roommate and say, “Hey, she’s locked herself in the bathroom with a knife. Can you please check on her in awhile to make sure she’s okay? It’s not safe for me to be there right now.” That should have been a hint for me to get out, but (like many people in abusive situations) I wasn’t willing to let go yet.

This is in no way to be considered an all-inclusive list, and the decision to continue or stop a relationship is entirely up to the parties involved. Relationships are a very personal matter and no one can evaluate them but you. This is also true if you notice that someone you know has exhibited signs of being abused – no amount of coaxing will get them to leave their partner if they’re not ready. It can be frustrating for those who are only trying to help, but keep in mind that your efforts to help will sound a lot like the claims being made by their partner, and you run the risk of alienating your loved one by pointing this out.

You should also keep in mind that none of these issues, on their own, is automatically a sign of an abusive partner, so tread lightly and ensure that you are properly analyzing the details (preferably on your own at first). This will allow you to make an informed decision, and will help you to understand if these things can be helped (and the relationship saved). However, if your partner is displaying multiple signs from this list, it may be time to let go.

Don’t Fear the Friend Zone

In this day and age, there’s a huge focus on the existence of “the friend zone” – does it exist? Is it a myth? Is it a term used by people who are hurt that they didn’t get the attention they felt they deserved?

Well, in a way, it’s sort of a mix of all these things.

Many of my friends explicitly refer to the friend zone when they’re speaking to their potential (and past) relationship prospects; it’s a term that’s easily understood and lets it be well known that you will not, in fact, be reaching second base with this person. (Although that’s not always true – friends-with-benefits zone seems to be a real thing, too.)

However, the general reaction to this mystery area is that it’s a negative thing – we ignore the positive outcomes that arise from it because we’re so focused on the pain and sting of rejection.

But, what if instead of focusing on the rejection, we put our attention instead to the benefits that friend-zoning brings?


1. It’s an exercise in not settling.

Often when we think of “the friend zone”, we feel that we are entitled to have a relationship with a person (romantic or sexual) due to the kindness we have shown them and the effort we have put into the process, while on the other side of the coin, we use “let’s just be friends” to signal that we care about this person, but don’t wish to compromise certain aspects of our criteria for the “perfect mate”.

While true perfection doesn’t exist, the fact remains that you can be attracted to a person and they can still be wrong for you. The friend zone teaches that sometimes it’s better to not settle on things that you consider mandatory for a partner – whether you are the one doing the rejecting, or you are the one being rejected.


2. It’s often a learning experience.

Let’s say, for example, the girl who rejected you turns out to be a complete jerk (hey, it happens). Maybe her requirements for a date were that she was more intelligent than her – which she qualifies by a college degree, even though she herself is still in college.

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value you as you are? In pleading with a girl who has rejected you based on something that seems unfair, you’re basically begging her to be realistic – which, dealing with women teaches us is rarely worthwhile to look at.

On the other side of the coin, her necessary qualifications could be something entirely out of your control – such as your height. If a woman only dates women who are shorter than her, and you are obviously taller than her, pleading with her to change her mind can be futile, as she’s not likely to budge and you’re not likely to shrink.

Other criteria, such as race or nationality, can be frustrating to the person who doesn’t meet them – but it’s important that your partner likes you for who you are. Asking them to compromise their own standards, even if they don’t make sense to you, is basically forcing yourself to be “not good enough” even if you do eventually win her over.


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3. Great friendships have been built on the foundation of relationships that failed before they begun.

I have a few friends (who shall remain nameless) who I originally started talking to with the hopes of being more than just friends with them. One of them disclosed that I wasn’t her type – she preferred bigger ladies of Mexican descent, and here I was, a slightly chubby white girl.

I didn’t let it impede my desire to get to know her better, and now she’s one of my best friends – I share pretty much everything with her! She has provided me with valuable advice regarding the relationships I’ve been in since, as I have sought to do for her. If I had begged with her to give up on her “type”, we probably would have broken up and I never would have spoken to her again.

Another friend rejected me because of mutual differences in what we looked for: I was looking for someone local to get to know better, and she was only looking for friends. Well, she won – we started talking as friends.

Although it did hurt at first that it felt like she wanted nothing to do with me, we talk on a regular basis and are actually much closer for it. Sure, I still find her (and the friend referenced above) incredibly attractive – but I’m thankful for the friendship and wouldn’t do anything to compromise that now.


4. Someone more suited to your needs may be just around the corner.

This might be the most important thing: The best relationships happen when you’re not looking for a relationship. At the time I met my current partner, I had given up on the idea of finding a girlfriend, because all my efforts were met with resistance by the other party, or generally we just weren’t a good fit.

Once I gave up on finding a relationship, my soul mate happened to fall into my lap – and, unlike the jerks that I tend to seek out, she actually sought me out, offering all the things that had been missing from all of the attempted relationships of the past several months.

The fact that we’re still together two years later speaks wonders about this philosophy. If you’re seeking a relationship to fill a void, it probably won’t. It’s better to let love find you naturally. (Not that you shouldn’t help it along if you can, but it’s definitely not good to be so desperate that you compromise your core values and resort to begging. Trust me on this one.)


5. Basically, we need to learn to accept the word “no”.

It’s a tough idea to grasp: My generation is one of forced entitlement. We got trophies for participating, and “no child left behind” penalized the teachers when their students didn’t try. This really isn’t right! I have always been a bit of an over-achiever despite the entitlements that my generation has impressed upon me, but that doesn’t mean that I deserve everything I work hard for.

Sometimes you just won’t be the right fit, and that’s ok! Work on developing yourself instead of focusing on the potential outcome, and your overall outcome will be better.

Let me reiterate: Being friend-zoned definitely sucks. There’s no doubt about that. But if you can keep a positive outlook, and focus on making yourself better, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, it really shouldn’t be the end of the world. You never know what may be in store for you in the future.

Sexual Abuse in Committed Same-Sex Relationships

One of the most overlooked aspects of any successful relationship is sexual compatibility. Often, this compatibility is a subconscious thing; we don’t know why we enjoy sex with our partner, we just do.

However, every now and then, one partner will have a significantly higher sex drive than the other.

This isn’t necessarily of particular concern, and it can be easily worked around, if both partners are willing to negotiate.

However, what happens when one partner pushes the issue to the point where the other partner isn’t receiving any enjoyment out of this intimacy?


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Believe it or not, there is such a thing as a sexually abusive relationship, even if the parties involved are deeply in love. Often we think that a commitment to this person means that we’re obligated to service their sexual “needs” when they arise – but this isn’t true, in the slightest.

From a technical standpoint, sexual abuse defines any sexual act that is not consensual. This can be difficult to define when you and your partner are committed. They may argue that you have an obligation. They may threaten to leave or to find “supplemental” sexual activities outside of your relationship. This isn’t fair to you, as you can’t really help if you’re not in the mood, and you shouldn’t be punished for this.

If your partner forces sexual activities on you – even if you love them – this is sexual abuse.

Now, this isn’t exactly the same as guilting you into performing sexual favors, although this can take its own toll on you emotionally. Rather, we are talking about proceeding further, despite you vocalizing your lack of consent for this activity (no matter what your reason might be).

If you’re reading this and you think to yourself, But we’re in love, and therefore I should be willing to give it up, whether I’m in the mood or not – this article probably isn’t going to sit well with you. Because, I’ve got news for you – If your partner truly cared about you, they wouldn’t want sexual activity with you if you didn’t want it.

What can you do, though?

Well, this is the tough part – nothing is going to change if you don’t speak up. It’s possible that your partner is just a bit less mature than you, and they aren’t aware that their sexual demands aren’t okay with you. It’s important that you tell them. If you’re genuinely worried about how they will respond to the concerns you have, there may be deeper issues in play – and this may be a sign that you need to get out of this relationship.

Whether your concern is that your partner wants it more often than you do (which is common), or that they demand activities you aren’t comfortable with (such as penetration if you have expressed an unwillingness to do so, or anal play when you have made it clear that you don’t want it, even demands for a threesome if you have made it clear that you have no desire to share), or any type of unwanted sexual attention – it’s important that both partners are consenting. Just because you have said yes in the past does not mean that you have to say yes, ever. Only you can determine consent.

Ten Tantalising Sex Positions You And Your Girlfriend Need To Try

We’ve all been there – bored of your “normal” sexual routine, but unaware of what you can do to spice it up.

Toys are an option, but not everyone’s into them (and any that are worth anything are so expensive!). You could try role playing, but somehow that just seems like you’re pretending, and with an overly anxious partner it may lead them to believe that they’re not actually what you want (even if that couldn’t be further from the truth).

So, what’s left – what can you do to spice up the ordinary to make it extraordinary again?

Maybe a change of position may be in order.

Some may argue that lesbian sex can really only occur in a few positions in the first place – but those people in particular could benefit from this list. The truth is, there are hundreds upon hundreds of possible positions to get to your lover – and if you’re not utilizing all of them, it’s no wonder you’re in a slump!

In order to make this list, the position has to be achievable by a beginner – because believe it or not, trying out sexual positions that you’re not properly prepared for can cause serious injuries (not to mention embarrassment if this is a new partner).

Additionally, they have to be useful with or without toys. Not everyone enjoys toys, and that’s ok. Take a look at the top 10 positions that should be added to your repertoire immediately!


69

Ok, so this one is probably in your inventory already – it’s considered one of the basics. However, if you’re not familiar with the position, this is where one partner lays on top of the partner, such that their bodies resemble the reflection between the numbers “6” and “9” – that is, each head between the legs of the other partner. This is best suited for partners who are similar in size, or where one partner is smaller (in which case the smaller partner will probably choose to be on top), however if there is a fair amount of trust in your relationship, it can go either way. It’s great because you and your partner can stimulate each other simultaneously, and it allows for the possibility (but not the guarantee!) of simultaneous climax. Once you get the hang of it, or if you’re particularly flexible, you can even try it standing!

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Scissoring

Scissoring (also referred to as tribadism or “tribbing”) has a bit of a mixed reception among lesbians. Some women swear by it, while others swear it simply doesn’t do anything. In my experience, however, it can be wonderful as long as you know what you’re doing. In order to do this, you and your partner should be similar sizes (preferably smaller) and reasonably flexible.

You will then rub yourself against each other – whether that means against her leg, or directly crotch-to-crotch is up to you. It provides an intense amount of stimulation and it can get quite messy. It can be difficult to achieve climax this way, but it works wonders when used to get the juices flowing and provides the necessary motivation to proceed to other activities if you desire. Additionally, you can even do this with clothes on for a bit of quick stimulation.

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The Spoon

This position is great because it allows full physical contact with your partner – something that’s often left out of lesbian sexual experiences. In order to perform “the spoon”, one partner will need to be positioned behind the other partner, laying down in bed. She will then reach her hand over and start rubbing… And, well, I’m sure you can imagine the rest. If your partner is into penetration, this can be difficult in this position without the help of a toy – but definitely not impossible. It’s great because it allows you to kiss your partner’s neck, which can lead to extra stimulation and a heightened sense of arousal. If she desires, she can even reach her hand back and “service” you as well – the possibilities are endless!

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Above Below

This one’s a little trickier, but definitely not difficult. In order to get this going, one partner will need to lay on her stomach on the bed, while the other partner lays on top of her. The partner on top will then rub herself against her partner while also stimulating the partner with her fingers – additionally, you can use a strap-on or other toy. The partner on bottom can additionally rub herself against the bed or a properly positioned pillow to add to the excitement. If done correctly, both partners should be able to climax this way – and if you’re into penetration, this is a position that sets you up to hit all the right spots.

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The See Saw

The See Saw is a little more difficult to explain, but nevertheless exciting for both of you. One partner should be lying on her back with her legs bent – as if the other partner were going to go down on her. However, instead, the second partner should sit between her legs and drape her own over the top of them – picture forming an “M” with the two sets of legs. Once you’re in position, the rest is up to you – you can rub or penetrate, or even trib – whatever you desire!

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The Ripple

For this position, one partner will need to be on her hands and knees. The other partner will be on her hands and knees behind her, so that she may give her some oral pleasure. Of course you can use your fingers or toys as well, but this isn’t important – the sensation of a tongue caressing you from behind is sure to be a delight. This is especially great if you enjoy a little mystery in your sex life; the partner being pleased will be unable to see what her partner is going to do to her – and often the sensations are even greater if you don’t find out until they’re happening!

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The Works

The “receiving” partner should be standing for this one, and the other partner should be either sitting or kneeling just behind her. If you’re into anal play, this is a good opportunity for that – but it’s definitely not limited to that! The partner who is giving can reach under her partner and provide any types of sexual favors she desires; just as with “The Ripple”, you have the element of mystery working to your favor here.

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Sublime Caress

Both partners will be standing for this position, facing each other, with something nearby for the “receiving” partner to rest her foot on (preferably forming a 90 degree angle, but it’s up to you – whatever you are comfortable with, as long as it is elevated to allow for a proper view). There’s something extra special about standing up for sex; I can’t quite place my finger on it, but it’s magical. Once you’re both in position, rubbing is key – although penetration can also be used, if you’re into it.

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Pleasure Perch

This is another standing position – but only the receiving partner will be standing. The other partner will be kneeling in front of her, and the “receiver” will drape her leg over her partner’s shoulder in order to receive some good oral attention. Careful, though – if your partner knows her way with her tongue, you may need to make sure you have something to lean against so you don’t fall backward! This is great because the “giving” partner will have a full view of all of the “receiver’s” body, and will be able to lick and tease her partner to insanity.

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Pandora’s Box

For “Pandora’s Box”, one partner will need to be seated in a chair, with her legs stretched out in front of her. The partner who is “giving” will need to be sitting, kneeling, or crouching between her outstretched legs. Oral pleasure is easy to give in this position, although there’s no rule that says you have to. (Due to the seated partner’s position, penetration may be difficult, but not impossible.) Once climax approaches, the seated partner will want to arch her back and possibly stretch those legs a little more – make sure your lady has a good hold on you if your chair doesn’t have a back on it!

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If any of these positions is new to you, please don’t hesitate to try them out with your woman (or your woman of the night). They’re sure to impress, and with a little practice could easily become your go-to positions – no more boring sex!

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Relationship Dilemmas: My Girlfriend Hates My Music!

I grew up with a wide variety of musical tastes enforced. My mother preferred country and classic rock, while my dad appreciated jazz, top 40 tunes, and hip hop. Additionally, I was raised in part with formal musical training – violin, clarinet, piano, and a brief stint with the elementary school chorus. (Turns out I get stage fright if my voice is the instrument of choice.)

This variety raised me with an appreciation for all the music genres and a knack for determining which songs I liked based on the song itself, rather than whether it was something I’d “normally” listen to.

It wasn’t until I was about 13 that I realized that not everyone viewed music the same way. Building friendships often meant the dreaded question, “What kind of music do you like?” – a question I didn’t know how to prepare an answer for.

Music had always been a big part of my life, and I didn’t understand how someone could say that they loved music and be so selective over which music they would enjoy.

Once I started dating, it became even more complex. I had a great music collection that, admittedly, included things that were “weird” or “dorky” if you asked the girls I dated. I found myself ultimately tailoring my musical taste to suit theirs, rather than deal with the ridicule of having them listen to “my music”.

It wasn’t really a big deal, though, as there was almost always some area of overlap between our interests, and if there wasn’t – I was happy to add a wider variety into my repertoire! However, in a few situations, I wasn’t sure how I could actually be selective with my music.

My particular upbringing had made me incapable of discerning the specific genre of many songs.

What do you classify a song that has both violin and spoken-word elements? Does that qualify as rap, or is it classical? What about banjo and steel guitar paired with harmony and auto-tune? Would that be country or is it pop? I just didn’t know!

Only a few girls in my past actually had solid problems with my music, though. Although I may have been teased for some of the songs I listened to, I determined that any girl who would actually put me down for my musical choices wasn’t worth my time anyway.

I also learned to assert myself and my love for music by compromising on musical styles. For example, “I understand you’re not fond of this artist, but can you please narrow it down to a few songs you absolutely won’t listen to, and I can play the rest?” If the girl wasn’t willing to negotiate something as simple as musical tastes, I began to realize that she also wasn’t willing to compromise in other aspects, either.

Thankfully, my current girlfriend doesn’t judge me for my musical tastes. Sure, she laughs when I play Backstreet Boys, and she might roll her eyes when I put on some Vivaldi, but she accepts that my love for music is an important part of who I am.

This is a much bigger relief than you might anticipate – as someone who has practically been raised with melody and rhythm, my past girlfriends’ rejection of my musical taste felt like a rejection of my innermost self. It’s like someone telling you “Yeah, I love you, but I really wish your eyes were blue instead of brown.” It kinda hurts.

Readers, I challenge you to have this discussion with your future partners. Maybe music isn’t the right topic for you – maybe it’s movies, or TV shows, or pets. Pick something simple, and test the waters before you get in too deep. If you agree on the subject, great! If you don’t, is she willing to bend at all, or would you be the only one sacrificing?

This could be an effective tool in determining your compatibility in spite of differences. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t have to mean you don’t get along.

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13 Relationship Lies We Need to Stop Telling Our Partners

Often, when we think of our relationships, we like to pretend that we’re 100% honest, but the truth is that might not be the case. Even with the best intentions, there are things that slip through sometimes.

These little lies don’t mean much on their own, but the truth is they add up over time and can lead to lying about serious things (like how we feel about our relationship as a whole).

Read on to find out the most common “white lies” and what’s wrong with them.


13. I’m fine.

This one is pretty innocent, and it’s said with good intentions. When we don’t want to burden our partners with what’s on our mind, we tend to tell them we’re fine when they ask, even if this isn’t the case. This can be bad because, usually, if your partner is asking what’s wrong, it’s because she can already tell there’s something bothering you – so she’ll know you’re lying when you say you’re fine.


12. You look great in that!

When we say this, we’re usually trying to be nice, and if you care about someone you might think it’s best to stay nice at all times. But the truth is, your partner values your opinion, and will probably feel rather embarrassed if she takes your word on this one and it turns out you weren’t being truthful – and someone who values less about her feelings tells her.


11. No, I’m not mad.

This goes along with #13, but in a slightly different way. You might try to pretend that you’re not mad, but you shouldn’t hide your feelings. While you think you’re avoiding a fight, some things are actually worth arguing about – saying you’re not mad when there’s something huge on your mind isn’t saving you any trouble, it’s just bottling it up.


10. Any lie, about any friends, ever.

If one of your friends has feelings for you, it’s best to let your partner know. She might not think that you should hang around with that friend anymore, but maybe you can compromise – you guys hang out together.

If you’ve got nothing to hide (and your partner is reasonable) it should be a fair negotiation.

Otherwise, you’ll have to think about which relationship means more to you: Your friendship, or your love.


9. No, I love your parents!

Nowhere in the world does it say that you have to love your in-laws. If you do, that’s great! But if not, you should still be respectful toward them… Within reason. If they are rude to you, at some point you may need to stand up for yourself. But if you value this relationship with your partner, you should be able to tell her that her parents treat you badly – don’t pretend to love them when you really can’t stand being around them.

Most likely, your partner will help to diffuse the situation in order to make your relationship with her parents a little more favorable.


8. I don’t care where we go out to eat.

Ladies… You know this isn’t true. It’s never true. If you say you don’t care where you go, but your partner’s first five choices are out of the question, it’s obvious that you had something particular in mind – just come out and say it!


7. No, I’ve never even talked to that girl before!

If you lie about knowing someone, or talking to them, and then your partner finds out later that you lied – well, she’s understandably going to be upset. If you don’t have anything to hide, you should be open about it. If you aren’t upfront and honest – no matter what the reason and what actual level of guilt is there – she could be incredibly hurt when the truth comes out.


6. Any lies about money… Period.

If you’re broke, your partner should care enough about you to look past it. If you’re rich, well – 3. leaving this information out is basically assuming that your partner is a gold-digger. (If it’s definitely true, then by all means, keep your value to yourself. This article isn’t for you.) And lying about what you spend your money on is just misleading – no matter what reasons you have!

If your relationship is still new, you don’t have to share everything, of course – but don’t make things up. (And if by chance you’ve been together long enough that it shouldn’t be a secret, she’s most likely going to find out about the lie, anyway.)


5. Oh, of course we have the same life goals!

It’s great if you and your partner have similar long-term goals, but that’s not always the case, and you shouldn’t sacrifice your dreams in order to make your partner happy. Any partner that would want you to isn’t worth your time.

Most life goals are compatible with one another, but if yours truly aren’t – such as she wants 10 kids and you don’t want any – maybe it’s best if you go your separate ways.


4. Pretending you don’t live with your parents, if you do.

There’s no shame in living with your parents – most cultures actually value the family unit staying together. But if your partner is from a culture that doesn’t (or, you’re staying with your parents for a different reason), you should be able to share that information. It’s not fair to anyone involved if you try and pretend it’s something it’s not.


3. No, honey, you’re my one and only.

Look, I get it – not everyone is good at monogamy. That’s not automatically a bad thing, because there are plenty of people who aren’t good at it. However, you shouldn’t be with someone who requires it if you can’t provide it. I have personally been in monogamous relationships and non-monogamous relationships, and I can say, the circumstances surrounding each are different.

But both parties should be able to weigh in on whether it’s something they can handle – and if you lie about it, you’re taking away her ability to make the decision for herself.


2. Pretending not to be allergic to something… if you are

I’ve put a little thought into this one, because I happen to be allergic to peanuts (among a few other things). While allergies can be a bit embarrassing sometimes, and a mild allergy can be mostly irritating, it’s important to realize that allergies have the potential to worsen over time.

I had an ex that I never told I was allergic to peanuts, so that I could sneak in some peanut butter every now and then. When I just got hives, it was no big deal – until the one time I sneaked a PowerBar and ended up in the hospital.

Not only did I end up having a severe reaction and wind up in the hospital, but my girlfriend found out and berated me for lying for the past year and a half. Whoops.


1. Just basically, stop lying to your partner… Period!

Honestly, what good is there in lying to your partner? If you can’t be truthful with her, the relationship is probably not a good fit. And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you couldn’t have mutual trust and honesty with, anyway? Either they’ll be hurt when they find out that you’ve been lying, or they’re lying too. Either way, the end result is not good.

Well, can you think of any specifics that we’ve left off this list, or things that shouldn’t make a big difference? Let us know in the comments section!

Who Gets the Dog in a Break-Up?

Imagine this: You and your partner have been together for ten years. During this time, you get a dog together, and this dog is (for all intents and purposes) your baby. You take him with you to the store (obeying any posted signs regarding pets in stores, of course), you let him sleep in your bed, you buy him cute little clothes.

Your happy little family is complete, just the two of you and your fur-baby (or fur-babies) and you couldn’t be happier. Then one day, due to unforeseen circumstances, you and your partner break up. You both love the dog equally, and it’s not his fault that you two can’t work it out.

So… Who gets to keep the dog?

Believe it or not, pet custody battles are a real thing, and they’re becoming more common – with as many as 1/5 of separating couples claiming that the custody regarding the pet is “as stressful as who gets the children”. As far as the law is concerned, pets are property, despite the common feeling that they are a part of the family.

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Depending on your location, the specific laws regarding your rights may vary, although generally, it’s best if you can keep the matter out of the courts. However, particularly in relationships where no human life was created as a result, both parties often feel that the family pet is their child, and therefore neither wants to give him up.

Due to the way that the law is typically defined, if you can prove ownership of the animal (for example, a receipt stating that you were the one who paid for him or signed the original adoption papers), you will have a stronger case.

However, if your partner was the one who originally purchased the dog, or it was a mutual decision (or if no such receipt is available), you may still be able to claim “primary responsibility”. In this scenario, you will need other receipts: for veterinary care, for grooming, for food, and for toys.

This “primary caregiver” status can also be confirmed by neighbours or other impartial parties who may have seen that you were the one who typically cared for the dog – walking, interacting, and otherwise tending to the animal’s needs.

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Keep in mind that your impartial parties may not feel the same way about pet ownership as you do, and might not be willing to testify as a witness to you. This can be a frustrating situation, as we often are unable to understand how some people can view a pet as just an animal while we treat them as if they were our own child.

Despite their legal standing as property, the drastic increase in these pet custody cases has led many attorneys to begin implementing an amicus curiae brief.

This process seeks to represent the best interest of the animal (the party the animal has a stronger bond with, who is more able to financially care for the animal, etc.).

However, not all attorneys are willing to do this, and you will need to check before seeking this type of counsel.

Why Do We Stay in Abusive Relationships?

It’s a scary fact: One in four women will likely be involved in an abusive relationship at some point in their lives, with women between 16 and 24 being particularly susceptible.

For those who have never been a victim, it can be difficult to understand why the woman doesn’t “just leave” when violence (or the threat of violence) becomes present. As someone who has personally been victimised by previous partners, I would like to shed a little light on the subject.

This is not to be considered advice to remain in a relationship that is not safe – if you are being abused, please seek help.

I understand that it can be difficult, but these problems often get much worse over time – not better.


The victim may need the perpetrator.

In scenarios where the victim is not able to support herself financially, she may stay with her violent partner out of fear of becoming homeless if she leaves.

In other cases, there may be children involved – the victim may feel obligated to “stay together for the children”, or they may stay out of fear of retaliation and/or fear for the safety of her children, if the violent partner were to gain partial or full custody.


Many are not aware of the warning signs of abuse.

Even though 82% of parents feel that they would be able to tell if their child was being abused, statistically, 58% were unable to identify all the warning signs.

Even victims of domestic abuse are often unaware of the many factors that can be considered abuse.


Many perpetrators of violence “disarm” their victim through emotional abuse.

Since the perpetrator is someone who the victim loves, they trust their partner when told “you made me do that” or “that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t ____.”

In my personal experience, the abusive partner had previously disclosed an issue of domestic abuse with the partner before me, but immediately wrote it off by saying “–but she made me do it, and I would never do that to you.” And, for three years, this was true – until the day it wasn’t.


Most instances of abuse progress gradually over an extended period of time.

There is a quote by Richard Beckham II that states, “If a frog is placed into a pot of boiling water it will immediately try to jump out; but if it’s placed into a pot of cool water that’s gradually heated until boiling, it will stay put and never try to jump out.”

This is a perfect analogy, as abuse is rarely immediate – in the beginning, the relationship will likely be ideal, and gradually become abusive over time.


In my situation, my abusive ex started off as my first love – I pined after her for years before we ended up together, and by that time I already had this idyllic image in my head of what she was.

Over the years, she began to abuse me – verbally and emotionally at first, and more violently as time went on. I forgave the instances she berated me in public, as well as the times she threw things at me or pushed me down, because “at least she’s not physically hurting me”.

Once this exploded and turned into her strangling me while telling me that she wished I would just die, all the signs clicked and I was able to get out – with the assistance of a roommate who distracted her long enough for me to run to a neighbour’s house for help.

However, not all women are able to get away, and unless you have been in the situation, you can’t understand how difficult it can be to get out.

If you suspect that you or someone you know may be the victim of domestic abuse (regardless of whether or not it has reached physical violence), it is important that you seek help. There are numerous resources available to victims and their concerned loved ones, although these resources will not reach out to you.

You must seek help to receive it. KitschMix urges their readers to seek out further information from the resources listed if there is any question.

If you feel that you might be a victim, you probably are – this intuition is rarely without just cause.

9 Things You Lose When You Say Sorry

Human communication is a crazy thing. The entire planet has had thousands upon thousands of years to get it all right… And still we manage to say things we don’t mean, and other people pick up on things that were absolutely not our intention. You’d think we’d have it all figured out by now. Once you add in language barriers, the complexities of text-vs.-spoken-words, and of course body language, too, things start to get really complicated.

One of the most overused (and, often, misused) words in the English language is “sorry”. We all know that a “sorry” is supposed to be a sign of humility – something we say because we know we’ve screwed up. The word is supposed to make us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and – in theory – it should be really hard to say.

The only problem is… It’s not.

All too often, people use “sorry” as an icebreaker, a way to start a conversation with less pressure. I was one of those people for a painfully long time, actually. Eventually I learned that insincere apologies actually rob us blind – even if the effects aren’t clear from the start.

Here are a few of the things that over-apologizing takes away from you…

You lose your first impression.

We know how important first impressions are, and often we’ll sneak a “sorry” in there to take some of the pressure off. I’d like to professionally recommend that you stop doing that! When you say “sorry” to start a conversation with someone you’ve never spoken to before, you’re setting the other person up to pay extra attention to any flaws you may have. After all, you’ve already apologized for them, so they just know the flaws are there.

It might also give them a little insight into some other character flaws you’ve got going on – an experienced communicator will know which parts of your personality may have already been carved away. First impressions are so powerful because humans start picking up on subtle cues as soon as we meet a person. When those cues tell us that the person is a chronic over-apologizer, we know that they don’t have confidence, self-respect, or credibility – but we’ll get into that a little deeper later.

You lose your charm.

Starting a conversation with “sorry” instantly kills whatever magic might have been there. It sounds like you’re undecided, and when you’re trying to pick someone up, it makes it seem like maybe you lost a bet. Not really the best way to woo the ladies, am I right? (That was a trick question. I already know I’m right.) You might not feel like you’re undecided about pursuing her, but that’s how she’s going to take it.

More than just that, unnecessarily apologizing makes you less attractive, because it already implies that you’re not worthy of the other person’s time. You sound like you’re begging for their attention, which is not flattering – at all. It messes with other people’s perception of you and just ends up making you feel embarrassed.

You lose your confidence.

Human nature pushes us to continually improve ourselves, so when we’re not getting better at something, we have the urge to apologize for it. The only problem with this is, if you were already trying your best and you decide that your best wasn’t good enough, what does that mean? Apologizing for something that you put real effort into doesn’t make you sound modest – it makes you sound unconfident.

More than just that, we tend to apologize for mistakes we think we’re going to make – before we’ve even made them! That totally kills our focus when we’re in the moment, because we’re already thinking about what could go wrong instead of enjoying everything that is already going right. It sets a negative tone for your actions and words, and it makes other people more critical of you – which, in turn, kills your confidence even further.

You lose respect from others.

It probably goes without saying, but “sorry” is a very submissive word. It’s meant to convey the same message as when a dog tucks its tail and hangs its head – and, most likely, if you overuse your apologies, the people around you are going to start looking at you the same way that people look at sad dogs. The thing about sad dogs, however, is they aren’t guilty because someone else made them guilty.

All too often, we feel the need to preface our requests and demands with “sorry” to soften the blow. Really, when we’re doing this, we’re just making ourselves into scapegoats. We’re not really apologizing for our needs and boundaries – we’re apologizing for our boundaries being an inconvenience to others. It ends up coming across as if we’re begging to just be, and that’s not good. The balance between standing up for yourself and being disrespectful isn’t as thin as you might think.

You lose your value.

When other people stop treating you with respect, it gets really hard to treat yourself with respect. You start to undervalue yourself, and you start to sacrifice your self-esteem. Other people start picking up on your guilty conscience, and you start to feel guilty for things that literally have nothing to do with you. This makes it hard to be happy, because you’re constantly evaluating the negative parts of your life as a failure on your part.

While some failures may be your fault, often those types of failures are fixable. Most of the negative parts of our lives are things we can’t control, though, and it makes no sense to beat yourself up over something you have no control over. Unnecessary apologies destroy your value by holding you accountable for things you couldn’t possibly have prevented, and that’s not fair to you.

You lose your credibility.

Since you’ve started apologizing for things that have nothing to do with you, people won’t know how to tell when you’re genuinely sorry. This leads them to think you might be pacifying the situation with other things you say, too, and it gets harder to believe the things you say. Others have a hard time recognizing a true, sincere apology, so they simply assume all of your apologies (and everything else you say) are insincere.

When you apologize for things that you were involved with, but the problem didn’t actually have to do with you, you’re setting an idea that you’re to blame for what goes on around you – even if that’s not actually the case. Over time people will start to assume that you’re to blame anytime you’re in the area. You might notice that your responsibilities at work start to diminish, or your partner’s sharing with you less and less. This is a sign that people no longer have faith in you because you’re always apologizing.

You lose your identity.

Now that you’ve lost your confidence, your self-worth, and your number of responsibilities, you’re drastically falling away from everything that makes you a unique and special person. Your views are no longer important, because you’ve conditioned yourself to think that they’re probably wrong anyway. In turn, you don’t volunteer your ideas anymore, and instead you go along with something someone else has put out there.

But you’re giving up the things that make you truly unique. Your ideas, your self-worth, and the things you do for yourself and others are what make you you – no one else can fill your shoes! When you keep those opinions and skills to yourself, you’re destroying your individuality, bit by bit. If you let this go on for too long, you’ll lose your whole personality!

You lose your relationships.

We often think of apologizing as a way to hang onto a relationship, right? But when you over-apologize, you actually accomplish quite the opposite. When “sorry” is used as a filler word, its intention is to avoid a discussion. You’re not trying to work through a problem – you’re just agreeing with your partner so that you can get it over with. This isn’t healthy.

Relationships thrive on communication, and you can’t have a lasting relationship with someone if you aren’t communicating. Burying your problems makes them grow, and offering an empty “sorry” instead of a sincere apology won’t make you a better person. It’s your actions that matter.

You can even lose your insurance.

We’ve already discussed how over-apologizing can affect your relationships, your friendships, and your career, but in some cases, you can even lose your insurance coverage for apologizing. In a car accident, for example, saying “I’m sorry” to the other person, any witnesses, or even local law enforcement is seen as admitting that you’re guilty. If you’re determined to be at fault, you’ll need to pay for medical bills, damages, and probably a rate hike from your insurance company, too.

The thing is… There are professionals who evaluate an accident to see who was at fault, and there might be information you didn’t know about at the time. Maybe the other driver had been drinking, or they weren’t legally allowed to drive. If one of these issues is in place, they may be determined at fault – but not if you admit fault first and take away the need for the investigation. It’s always better to work through the issue before you apologize for it.

9 Unavoidable Truths About Long-Distance Relationships

Long-distance relationships are a lot harder than other relationships. That’s not to say they aren’t worth it – for the right woman, nothing is out of the question. But that doesn’t always make it any easier to deal with. In fact, there are some things about long-distance relationships that are unavoidable – no matter how much you love your long-distance partner. Here are 9 things you’ve got coming in the future of your long-distance relationships – and what each of those things really means.

1. You get better at planning.

Since you know that your time together is super limited, you get really good at planning out every minute of your time together. You think about the big picture, and you can really start to visualize your future after the time spent apart. Unfortunately, this “good planning” comes at a cost – other people will get in the way of your plans, and it’s really frustrating when the things you’ve been looking forward to for months are suddenly derailed.

2. You cherish the time you spend together.

When your plans do come together how you meant for them to, you are at peace. The time and distance don’t seem so huge because you have your plans to look forward to, and your memories to look back on. This can be incredibly difficult if you break up, though, because you’ve taken extra work committing those memories to the long-term – they won’t be easy to let go of.

3. The situation usually isn’t permanent.

Worked into your plans somewhere is the day the two of you are reunited for good – that magical time when you can finally reap the rewards you’ve been building separately for so long. But that reunion doesn’t always come. Sometimes, drifting apart can seem so much more drastic when you’re separated by the distance. The relationship can be a lot harder to maintain because you don’t see each other very often.

4. Trust and communication are a given.

While all relationships require trust and communication, long-distance relationships get an extra dose. You both know how important it is that you be honest with each other, and you’d rather overshare than leave out something important. Still, all that extra communication can take its toll on you – this type of relationship takes a great deal of personal effort to maintain, and misunderstandings and miscommunication can be devastating.

5. You really notice the little things.

You want to be involved in each other’s lives, even when you’re far apart, so you check in whenever you can. Sometimes that means a phone call, a text, or a message sent through Facebook – but other times that means scrolling through timelines and blogs and whatever other social media streams your partner has. This social media presence can breed jealousy if not used wisely, so it’s important that you don’t rely on it for too much of your communication.

6. You get really, really good at phone sex.

Whether you choose to go through the phone, Skype, or any other method for long-distance sexy time, the more practice you get, the easier it becomes. Since the large majority of your sexuality is in your imagination for a long-distance relationship, you have the opportunity to come up with a number of sexy possibilities. However, even the best chat isn’t as intimate as physical closeness, and you will sometimes wish you had her closer to you.

7. You maximize your sex life as much as you can.

All that extra time apart makes the time you spend together so much more special, so you find ways to squeeze your physical needs in whenever she’s around. But opportunities are limited and often shorter than you’d like them to be, so you’ll really need to get comfortable with spontaneous quickies. Trust me, though. When done correctly, they can be really romantic – it’s all about figuring out what works for the two of you.

8. Your creativity will flourish.

Since you’ve got more time in between dates, you have so much opportunity to make your dates extra special. Each one can be its own unique kind of amazing! And, what’s even better, you have more time to save up for those dates (even though your love really isn’t defined by the money spent). But there is a lot of pressure to keep it 100% all the time, and that can be exhausting after a while, so make sure you’re sharing the responsibilities evenly to avoid burn-out.

9. You have plenty of personal space.

Introverts thrive in long-distance relationships because it allows the relationship to work around their schedule (even if they’ve created that schedule solely to cater to the relationship). Each partner has more time to pursue their hobbies, indulge their passions, and work to make themselves a better person. But there’s also an empty bed to come home to most of the time, which can get lonely sometimes – it takes a strong character to stay faithful and loyal during those periods.

So, is it worth it?

The decision to pursue a long-distance relationship is incredibly personal, and can only really be evaluated by the partners involved. All in all, though, if the hardships you’ll face don’t seem as difficult as passing the time without her in your life, it can definitely be a rewarding experience for the both of you. With enough faith and continued effort, a long-distance relationship isn’t doomed, foolish, or a waste of time – it’s simply another way to get to the end result you want.

Hayley Kiyoko Stars in Her Own Queer Love Story In New Music Video

In the video for her new single, Feelings, Hayley Kiyoko dances her way into the heart (or at least grabs the attention) of a woman she meets while out on the town one night with her friends.

Kiyoko, who identifies as part of the LGBTQ community, has regularly infused queer themes and subject matter in her music and videos since she burst onto the scene two years ago with the hit Girls Like Girls.

Last year she released a clip for the song One Bad Night featuring trans YouTube star Erin Armstrong.

Talking about the video, Kiyoko explained

Feelings is super special to me because I think a lot of people can relate to the emotions that are brought on by being completely hooked on someone. I wanted to write an anthem celebrating these feelings, as opposed to suppressing them like society often makes people do in today’s dating scene.”

We have feelings, we get involved, and sometimes we can’t control it. After all, we’re human. I am thrilled about this release and excited for everyone to get the first taste of what’s to come from my album next year, not to mention I had a blast shooting and directing this video, which was all done in one take – something I’ve never done before.”

Feelings is the first single from Kiyoko’s upcoming debut album.

For more information on Kiyoko, visit her official website.

What Will Sex Be Like in the Future?

On one hand, sex has stayed the same since the beginning of time – after all, male and female bodies haven’t really changed, so neither has the process of procreating.

On the other hand, sex is changing rapidly all the time thanks to the advent of sex toys, dental dams, lube, and evolving attitudes about sexuality. Ten years ago, Virtual Reality was pure science fiction, Tinder was just a word meaning “kindling for a fire,” and polyamory sounds like a fake Scrabble word.

Recently, Bustle sat down with some sexologists to discuss the future of sex, which could include everything from sex robots to true orgasm equality. Here’s what they found.


VR sex will be a thing.

VR porn is already taking off in popularity, but soon, according to the VR company CroatiaTech.com, people will be able to hook themselves up to machines and simulate long-distance sex. They’ll even be able to feel each other.


Way more people will be using sex toys.

Right now, vibrators, dildos and kegel balls are something we giggle when we talk about – they’re things we’d hesitate to put in any bag that a TSA agent will touch, and something we’d die if our parents knew we had. But the CEO of Unbound theorizes that soon, sex toys will be as normal as a toothbrush.


Polyamory will rise.

According to an O.school sex educator, the percentage of 18- to 24-year-olds who identify as polyamorous is rising every day. She speculates that in 10 years, monogamy won’t necessarily be the default.


Queer will be the new normal.

Historic numbers of millennials are identifying as LGBTQIA, and even as labels that didn’t exist ten years ago. Ten years from now, that percentage will only rise, and sexual fluidity will be far more accepted than it is now.

What do you think will be the future of sex?

How Shakespeare Can Teach You To Pick Up Girls

When it came to being a playboy, Shakespeare was worse than Shane from the L Word.

Hard to believe, right? How can anyone be more of a womanizer than the woman who (spoiler) left her fiancee at the altar because she was afraid of commitment?

It’s summer, which means summer flings. So if you’re looking for tips on how to pick up woman, you should hit pause on the L Word and thumb through a few of his plays. Here’s what you can learn about boning from the Bard.


#1: Never group sext.

In Merry Wives of Windsor, a man named Falstaff finds himself smitten with two married women. Instead of flipping a coin – or bedding someone single – he writes a sexy love letter to each of them, hoping one of them will succumb to his charms.

Yes, a sexy love letter. One. He sends the same letter to both women.

That’s like writing a long, heartfelt text message about how in love you are with a girl, and sending it as a group message to her and her sister.

Does it work out for Falstaff? Not even close. He ends up crying alone in the woods.

The moral of the story? Be at least a little creative with your sexts.


#2: Always choose her.

You probably know Antony and Cleopatra as the most beautiful historical love story ever told. Cleopatra even kills herself with a snake because she can’t bear to be without Antony. That’s dedication.

What you might not know is that Cleopatra was technically Antony’s mistress.

Yes, our beloved Antony was already married when he started bedding Cleopatra. At one point, while Antony is visiting Cleopatra in Egypt, both Antony’s friend Caesar and his wife Fulvia demand that he come back to Rome.

Cleopatra, none too pleased, says, “Call in the messengers. As I am Egypt’s queen/Thou blushest, Antony, and that blood of thine/Is Caesar’s homager. Else so thy cheek pays shame/When shrill-tongued Fulvia scolds.”

In other words: “Go back to Rome if you’re going to be a lil bitch.”

Instead of listening to Cleopatra, Antony says: “Let Rome in Tiber melt and the wide arch/Of the ranged empire fall. Here is my space.”

In other words: “Let Rome burn down. I’m staying here.”

And Cleopatra says, “Oh, zaddy.”

The moral: Next time a girl says that you can leave if you want, assure her that you would rather to set fire to your entire hometown than leave her.


#3: Always take your chance.

Pop quiz: Where should you never hit on a girl?

  1. Her coronation
  2. A funeral
  3. A confessional

Correct answer? Trick question! According to Shakespeare, there’s never a wrong time to make a move.

Let’s take the titular character from Richard III. He hits on a woman called Lady Anne by saying the following:

Anne: And thou unfit for any place but hell.
Richard: Yes, one place else, if you will hear me name it.
Anne: Some dungeon.
Richard: Your bedchamber.

Savage. And here’s how it gets more savage:

  1. Anne is at a funeral.
  2. Anne is at her husband’s funeral.
  3. Anne is at her husband’s funeral because Richard killed her husband.

And it works.

The moral: Never be afraid to go for it.

What love lessons have you learned from Shakespeare?

Study Proves That Lesbians Are Crazy About Tumblr

When it comes to social media, we each pick our favorite poison.

Some of us throw on a pair of huge sunglasses and stay Instagram ready at every moment of the day, while others do the world a favor by tweeting our constant genius inspirations. But, statistically speaking, most LGBT people are actually most likely to pick Tumblr.

If you haven’t heard of Tumblr, that’s not really surprising. It’s been dubbed the “weird cousin” of Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter – which may be why so many LGBTQ teens and young adults flock to it.

A new study called Scrolling Beyond Binaries investigates exactly why Tumblr is so darn queer.


It’s anonymous.

Unlike Facebook, Tumblr doesn’t ask you to share any personal details. You can be KateMcKinnonsGurl69 or AllLezAlways2000, and no one will ever know it’s you.


It’s longform.

While Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are focused on sharing the best parts of yourself, Tumblr focuses on, well, sharing anything and everything that comes to mind. Its longform format means you can type out whatever you’re feeling, at any time, with no pesky word limits.


It’s great for anxious people.

Tumblr puts you in direct contact with 330 million virtual strangers. Know what that’s great for? People who get nervous about meeting strangers in real life. For some people, socializing is just easier behind a keyboard. This is also great for queer ladies who can’t be safely out in their IRL communities.


It’s social justice oriented.

Tumblr actually gets a bad rap for being a cesspool of “social justice warriors,” but that’s just because people on Tumblr don’t let anything slide. Ever. Two hours on Tumblr and you’ll learn about systematic oppression big time. You’ll also learn that there are about 500 genders.

Tumblr isn’t for everyone, but it is for many queer people. For starters, check out 15 times Tumblr nailed television’s rampant killing of lesbians.

People Look For Hookups More In Summer, Study Says

Fall is for dates at pumpkin patches. In winter, you need someone to cuddle with. Spring is the season of blossoming love.

But summer? Summer is for sex.

Hey, it’s science.

OKCupid recently released their analysis from a study of 18 million active users. Over the course of years, from 2013 to 2016, they tracked users’ answers to the question, “About how long do you want your next relationship to last?”

Users could answer, “One night,” “A few months to a year,” “Several years,” or even “The rest of my life.”

They found that in April, May and June, there is a 17% increase in people looking for one-night stands, on average. In June alone, 33% more people look for a one-night stand, as compared to the other eleven months.

The inverse is slightly true. From January to March, there is a 2% increase in people looking for longer relationships of “a few months to a year.” The cold is for commitment and cuddling.

But the steep drive toward hookups in June is too dramatic to overlook. Why does it exist? Their data scientists have posited some theories.

  1. People travel more during the summer, and when you’re only in a place for a short period of time, you’ll only want someone while you’re there. You might not find your true love while you’re on a weekend trip to Vegas, but you might find a girl who looks great on your arm.
  2. People wear fewer clothes in the spring and summer, making them more uninhibited. I mean, a one night stand is technically much easier if you only have a bikini to work through, as opposed to a parka.
  3. Now that it’s warm out, people are more likely to venture out of doors and brave public spaces like clubs and pools and sex parties.

Read the rest of the study here, and then start polishing your pickup lines.

Here’s Why You Should Embrace That Time Apart From Your Girlfriend

Fall into a routine of taking things and people for granted is something we’re all guilty of.

But alone time is actually one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship.

Distances gives each person time to decompress, to be themselves and to be secure with their identity outside of the relationship.

Here are three reasons it’s OK to have some space from your SO:


1. You stop taking her gestures for granted.

Whether it’s a mundane routine or an out-of-control fight, we’ve all seen ourselves get wrapped up in the emotions that accompany both events.

When you’re used to seeing your girlfriend daily and are the recipient of all her affection and acts of service she delivers, eventually it can feel like what they do is not something “special.” Then suddenly, we forget to say “thank you” or give that extra kiss on our way out the door.

It’s sad because we should always try to show our gratitude, but instead we become so preoccupied with the next task, everything starts to blend together.

But have you noticed what happens when your girlfriend leaves to go on a trip with friends? Out of nowhere, you start to remember all of the wonderful traits she has and can’t seem to think of enough creative ways to show your appreciation upon her return.


2. You learn things about yourself.

It’s easy to fall into the victim role when you’re having a heated argument; the hard part is stepping outside yourself to try and better understand why there is a miscommunication in the first place.

In fact, most of the time, the only way two people can stop fighting is by walking away to regroup and regather. But unfortunately, that magic trait isn’t something embedded in our DNA.

That amount of self-awareness and humility takes consistent practice and introspection; two things that can only be discovered when we’re inquisitive with ourselves over a long period of time.

A friend once told me “anger is a secondary response,” meaning there’s another emotion underneath yearning to come forward.

When we take time away from a relationship, the anger subsides and we’re left with revelations of what’s actually taking place and causing us to react in a destructive manner.


3. You gain emotional strength.

Being alone is often a lot easier said than done.

In a world where information is constantly only one tap away, being still with nothing but your thoughts — and maybe the sound of your dog snoring — can leave many people feeling anxious.

Since it’s difficult to do, embracing the discomfort that comes alongside  it is empowering.

The strength gained in solitude then becomes fuel for confidence, which is something that can always be used both in our personal and professional life.

Many times, we hear of women “losing themselves” in a relationship. It’s easy to forget what your priorities and goals are if the person next to you begins to take a front seat in your life.

Time apart can help you find yourself again and serve as a reminder that you were your own person before you met your partner.

Individuality and independence are sexy, so why not always carry that with us instead of waiting for time apart to remind us how amazing we already are?

12 Simple Things Your GF Does That’ll Make You Realise She’s ‘The One’

She laughs at your jokes. She looks equally incredible in a suit or a t-shirt. She’s witty, intelligent, fun to be around, and the sex is fantastic.

But something tells you it’s different this time and you may be face-to-face with ‘The One’.

Here are 12 things to help you in your quest to discover whether or not she’s the one.


1. She doesn’t judge you for your past, present or future.


2. She appreciates you being yourself.


3. She enjoys surprising you.


4. She’s honest with you.


5. She respects your need for space.


6. She doesn’t try to change you.


7. She’s successful with and without you.


8. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind.


9. You can do the most boring, mundane thing, but with her, it’s an adventure.


10. She doesn’t run.


11. She makes you a better person.


12. She’s your best friend.


And P.S. The best love makes you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself.

 

11 Things Single Lesbians Wish People Would Stop Assuming About Their Love Lives

I think I’ve heard just about every singleness cliche under the sun, notably coming from both single friends and married friends, gay and straight.

99% of the time, I fully believe that each of these comments are well-intentioned and meant to be encouraging.

But the fact remains that they typically make single people feel the opposite of encouraged.

Here are the assumptions your single friends want you to stop making about their love lives — and about single people in general.


1. We can’t get anyone.

The “that’s why you can’t get a woman” comebacks are pretty tired since getting a woman is actually easy AF.

Sure, everyone can come down with a serious case of “dry phone,” but that doesn’t mean men are not accessible. Some women prefer quality over quantity, so they don’t kiss every frog for the sad sake of just having a man.


2. We’re just too picky.

To everyone out there who has ever been accused of being too picky, I say the opposite — power to picky-ness!!!

Now, I know that there is a time and a place for giving someone a chance.  But I would much rather have my friends err on the side of picky-ness and have the confidence to hold out for someone they feel is right for them, rather than yield to the pressure to be in a relationship with the wrong person.

So trust your single friends’ guts.  If they aren’t feeling it with someone they are dating — even after just one date — support them.


3. We’ll meet some when we least expect it.

Here’s the thing — telling a single person that they will meet someone when they “least expect it” is simply not helpful.  Even if that may end up being the case, and even if it is meant to be encouraging, the comment comes off sounding like the single person is doing something wrong by “expecting” “it” — whatever those two words even mean.  And how is a person even supposed to respond?


4. We’re all lonely and bitter.

Life has these cool little social circle thingies. You know… friends, family, co-workers, book clubs, etc.

It’s just impossible that all of your single friends are lonely and unhappy all of the time.


5. We must have so much time on our hands

Yes, single people definitely do not have the time demands of spending time each day with a spouse.  And single people without kids do not have the time demands of spending hours a day raising children.

But most single people I know have other demands on their time, thanks to their wonderfully full lives.  They spend time diving into their careers, they spend time traveling, they spend lots of time with their friends and family, they spend time living the best life they can.


6. We don’t need you to make it your life’s mission to find us a wife.

If your single friend does not ask you, then avoid assuming she wants you to set her up with someone.

You may not be the best person to do it, and you REALLY don’t want to ruin her Friday night with the date from hell because of your dead wrong idea about what her type is.

You’ll just owe her that cab fare home and a huge apology.


7. We’re not putting ourselves out there.

Trust me — if a single lesbian wants to meet someone, they have thought long and hard about what they want to be “doing” about it.

Everyone needs to be true to what feels best for them on this.

Some love online dating, some love meeting new guys in bars, some love asking for lots of set-ups.  But to be honest, I think most of my friends would say that they are over trying to “do” something about being single and are happy living their lives as they are.

If a great woman comes into my life, then awesome!  But in the meantime, I’d rather focus my time and energy on the people I already know and love.


8. We have it “easy” being single.

There might be some truth to that statement, but you know what? We get this a lot. And don’t forget that when life gets rough you have someone to share the load with you. Remember to be grateful for that.


9. We want to talk to you about why they’re single

For starters, it isn’t your business. Also, not every single person cares to talk about being single all the time.

They’re busy going on dates, hanging out, working out and kicking ass at their jobs. You know, doing normal things like normal people do.


10. We don’t need you to respond to our break-up by telling us, “She wasn’t worth it anyway…”

We know what you mean but it makes it sound like we just flushed a good chunk of our lives down the toilet. Relationships are never a waste, as long as we learn from them.


11. We’re jealous of you and want to steal your girlfriend.

Not every woman shares your taste in women. Looks-wise, or otherwise.


In short? The only thing single people really need is for you to be a great friend.

5 Ways Your First Couple’s Vacation Will Help You Decide If She’s ‘The One’

Dating is filled with so many firsts: The first kiss, the first time in bed, the first fight and, of course, the first vacation.

But, don’t let stress put a damper on the fun, because there are a few ways to ensure you both get what you want out of your first trip as a twosome.


1. You’ll experience over 24 hours of non-stop together time.

This is potentially the first time you’ll be together, alone, for 24 hours straight.

And whether you’re a couple with regular sleepovers or a pair that just springs for a quick after-dinner kiss, this is a whole different ball game.

Many uninterrupted days, side by side, will rip you out of your comfort zone. You’ll see each other in your least flattering moments.

Which means you’ll have to let her in on your beauty routine, where she’ll get a behind-the-scenes look into the making of the finished product.

With uninterrupted time together through exciting activities and day-to-day routines, you’ll get a brief taste of life with the other person in it.


2. You’ll tackle challenges together.

Whether figuring out transportation, dealing with a lost credit card or asking for directions in a foreign language, your vacation can give you the opportunity to tackle everything life throws your way together.

Overcoming even a minor travel setback is a blessing in disguise, and it gives you an amazing way to bond together. When you’re transplanted somewhere new, the unfamiliar setting will be refreshingly non-routine and you’ll see how your partner handles unusual, possibly even stressful, situations.

In every experience away from home, both you and your lady will learn how to help each other deal and work toward a solution together.


3. See those true colours.

Whether you like it or not, uninterrupted time means that the glossed over version of yourself will soon disappear, leaving behind our semi-flawed form we all bury until at least six months in.

Those bad character habits tend to slip through. You’ll learn what they are, how to deal with them and how to forgive them.

On the other hand, you’ll learn some of those not-so-shiny parts about yourself. Maybe you’ll even adopt the “my partner can make me a better person” mentality.


4. Balance the control freaks.

When traveling together, a couple’s dynamic may shift depending on who’s a planner and who’s more laid back.

If you’re a planner, your strategy will be to take control and finalise that itinerary before you even step on the plane (you know who you are, people).

Ease up a bit and let your lady decide a thing or two so everyone gets the sight-seeing experience they want. Remember, it’s OK not to have a plan and fly by the seat of your pants. The best discoveries often come without a plan.

For those laid-back partners, you need to speak up. When there’s somewhere you want to go or something you want to do, don’t be afraid to challenge your partner’s plan.

Succumbing to their every wish isn’t realistic long-term. When the vacation glasses are off, you’ll need a healthy give and take, and your vacation is the best place to start.


5. Savour the moment.

At the end of the day, a vacation together is about capturing memories you’ll take home. Whether it’s an inside joke about that guy Dave from the bar or a shared first sushi experience, you’ll fill your mental (and Instagram) photo gallery with snapshots of time well spent.

Pull those photos out during your first screaming match back home; the mood will immediately lighten.

Everyday life might move a mile a minute, but a fleeting vacation makes you savour the moment and slow down. Not a bad mantra for your life back home.

Uninterrupted time away from home kickstarts the comfort and trust in a relationship, and if you take those lessons you learned back home, you’ll grow even closer and build an even stronger foundation.

17 Things People In Open Relationships Hear Too Much

Open relationships definitely aren’t for everyone. That’s a fact. But people who are in open relationships tend to be looked at with skepticism – or just plain judged.

Just because polyamory isn’t for you doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else. If you catch yourself saying these 17 things…rethink.


1. Open relationships are God’s way of saying you shouldn’t be together.

Or it’s God’s way of saying that human relationships are diverse and should be explored.


2. You’re just slutty.

First, there’s nothing wrong with liking sex, and second, relationships – whether those relationships are with a primary partner or secondary ones – involve so much more than sex. Like a lot of movie nights.


3. Why don’t you just break up?

Because an open relationship is a valid relationship. Why don’t you break up with your significant other?


4. Cheating is cheating, even if you have your partner’s consent.

No…


5. Clearly you’re not happy in your relationship.

On the contrary, people in open relationships experience higher degrees of happiness.


6. You can only love one person at a time.

Unlike petrol, love is not a finite resource, and you can love different people different ways.


7. Polyamory isn’t real.

Tell this to the MoreThanTwo.com.


8. That’s basically polygamy, which is illegal.

Having relationships or sexual/romantic encounters with more than one person at a time isn’t the same as marrying all those people. This isn’t Sister Wives.


9. Open marriages would never work.

Except that they do.


10. Doesn’t that make you jealous?

Communication is the key to overcoming jealousy.


11. So do you and your partner just talk about all the different people you’ve slept with?

Some polyamorous couples do. Some don’t. Every couple has their own agreement.


12. That means you’ll sleep with anyone.

Just because someone sleeps with more than one person, that doesn’t mean they will sleep with every single person in the world. For instance, some people in the world are narrow-minded, and a poly person might not want to sleep with them.


13. That’s disgusting.

So is sex, if you think about it. Lots of fluid.


14. I’d never do that.

Never say never.


15. Your parents must be so ashamed.

Polyamory isn’t shameful. Cheating is shameful.


16. You’re overcompensating for something sexually.

Sex doesn’t have to be tied to trauma and insecurity. Besides, instead of “overcompensating,” why not say “enhancing”?


17. I’ll never understand.

Copies of The Ethical Slut are $15.29.

If you’re in an open relationship, what are you tired of hearing?