As an unchangeable introvert and overall hermit, finding that special someone has always been hard for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to date quite a lot, although all dates shared a common feature: uninterest. It was just another date night, when I met my first and current girlfriend, and oh boy have I learned a ton

about relationships since then!

Although I am no expert in the topic, here is a small list of things I have learned since I first started dating my  girlfriend.

1. Easy does it

In all past dates, I was always scrambling to find a common topic to talk about, desperately trying to avoid those few seconds of awkward silence in-between questions. Not with her. We were chatting non-stop for 3 hours, jumping from topic to topic while sharing endless glasses of wine in a dodgy bar. And awkward silence? There are plenty of moments of pure silence, where I just appreciate her company and let the wine sink in.

2. A new found appreciation for sleeping

I love slumber-parties but inevitably always hated going to sleep. Sharing the bed, (sometimes floor or camping mattress), with someone always ended up with me either sweating or shivering. Not with her. Cuddling up next to her and, better yet, waking up next to her, feels exponentially more comfortable than doing so alone. And, even more surprisingly, I went from being unable to nap, to falling asleep in her arms whenever I’ve had a rough day. I am not even joking, I still can’t nap alone.

3. Can we hang out later?

As previously mentioned, I am a natural introvert. If I spend more than a couple hours outside, I am dreaming of my couch and tea pretty much after the first 15 minutes. Not with her. I forgot to come home before a school day.

I. Forgot. To. Come. Home! Now, after a long day of classes and work, all I am dreaming of is my couch, my tea, and her. We mostly watch Harry Potter and SpongeBob, but I honestly couldn’t even begin to think of a better way to spend my free time.

4. Let’s talk about sex

Story time: Before meeting her, I was a virgin. So, the first time we had sex, I was quite clueless and the room was quite dark. Mid-sex, I ended up punching her nose, blood went everywhere and so did my will to live. Terrified and confused as hell, I tried to help the best I could, only to find her hysterically laughing while I got her some frozen peas and tissues. What did I learn? Sex is meant to be fun and sometimes, awkward situations happen!

We just talk/laugh about them and move on, mostly only bringing them back up to mock each other.

5. Balancing friends and a girlfriend is tough

I didn’t expect it to be so hard for me to keep up with school, work, check up on my friends AND date someone all at once. It’s super hard at times, and picking one over the other always ends up feeling horrible. I am still trying my hardest to keep up with everything and everyone, although it only gets harder and harder. Suggestions?

Thank you for making it through this very untypical and way too personal post. What was your first relationship like? Are you still together?

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Gone are the days wherein you must pick flowers from the neighbor’s garden to tell if she’s into you or not. (Hopefully she is, yeah?)

Here are some of the most obvious giveaways you probably didn’t notice because you’re too busy drooling over her. (We understand, okay?)

She laughs a lot when she’s with you.

Okay, so maybe you’re just infinitely funny. But she laughs even when you’re not trying to joke. And at your most stupid ones. Really? How can you not know she may be into you more than you are into her?

She opens up.

Not everyone likes telling stories. Or the truth. When she opens up to you, it means she really trusts you. Which also automatically means she likes you in a way. You can do the math from there.

She’s (adorably) awkward beyond compare.

Uh, why else would she not be looking directly at you when chit-chatting? She’s a nervous wreck and it’s cute as hell. Don’t make fun of her clumsiness should it make an appearance, though. Instead, use it as a means of communicating with her. Let her know she’s got nothing to worry about. (And that you’re a klutz as well.)

She likes touching you.

Not that kind. Of course, it has to start somewhere. She’s almost always around you (albeit being a bit restless), and likes getting cozy, touchy-feely. Your arms, your shoulders. All that good stuff. You know the drill.

She asks you out.

Darling, that one-time dinner gig with friends isn’t just a one-time dinner gig with friends. I can’t believe you actually bought that weird ass excuse to get closer to you. She asked you out because she wanted to spend more time with you. She doesn’t care about dinner or friends. She wants you. Go get it, girl.

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If you are anything like me and speak your mind, are confident in your own decisions and are never backwards at coming forwards, then you are classed as being straightforward. People know that you mean what you say, you’re a no nonsense girl that is on top of stuff and you won’t tolerate any bull. But, as much as there are benefits to having that type of personality, there are also drawbacks as well.

For example, I can be quite acerbic and my sharp sense of humour and my occasional sarcasm does offend people sometimes. I don’t mean to, but it happens. Plus, to be completely honest, this doesn’t always worry me either. It’s a take me as I am attitude. I also find that some of my friends will rely on me a lot because they see me as being strong and able to cope. But that can get quite wearing.

So, for all you straightforward girls out there, what are our top 10 struggles?

Sometimes what you say is taken as bitchiness.

When you say exactly what is on your mind people often think you are being a nasty bitch. If someone is annoying the hell out of you, you aren’t afraid to let them know it. However, most people don’t like this openness and take it as a criticism or an insult, when in fact you are simply letting them know that they are bugging you and you’d like them to stop.

Your brain thinks it; your mouth speaks it.

This can be a real issue on occasion. For example, if you are in a situation where a bit of sensitivity is needed or you are talking to someone with opposing views to yours, not having a filter from our brain to our mouth can sometimes cause us problems.

You always tell the truth, no matter what.

Oh boy, can’t this be a problem sometimes? Some people simply don’t like the truth, but as far as your concerned why bother to ask the question if they don’t want an honest answer and what is the point in you lying to them? If a friend asks you if her new top looks good and you think it doesn’t you will till her as much. Not to hurt her feelings, but it’s what you think and you want her to look good. However, many people ask some questions such as this for you to make them feel better and unfortunately they are not going to get that from you unless you believe it to be true.

Annoying people seem to like you.

Loudmouths, gossips, troublemakers and aggressors all seem to be drawn to you like bees around a honeypot. They think your outspokenness makes you one of them and therefore you must think like them and behave like them, so they are eager to build friendships with you.  Just because you say what you mean doesn’t mean to say you are a nasty or hurtful person.

You aren’t afraid of your boss.

It’s amazing how many bosses hate this. It’s as if they think their staff should be scared of them in order for them to exert control or authority over you. Many people are intimidated by their bosses and although you understand they are your superior and are in a position of power this doesn’t make you behave any differently towards them. If you have a boss on an ego trip that expects to be treated and spoken to like they are a demi god, it’s unlikely you will stay with the company for very long.

You automatically become the leader in situations.

This struggle gets very wearing sometimes. If you meet up with friends, they will have assumed that you have the whole night planned out for you all. If it’s someone’s birthday they will automatically put you in charge to organize something wonderful. Sometimes it would just be nice to go along with what has already been organized by someone else rather than having to take responsibility for everyone else’s fun on your own shoulders.

You’re extremely sarcastic

Straightforwardness and sarcasm seem to go hand in hand. As your brain is very sharp and your sense of humour is always in play you often make sarcastic comments about things that some people are never sure how to take. You can almost see their brains ticking as they try to work out if you were being funny or a complete bitch.

You won’t tolerate stupidity.

Most straightforward people are often very intelligent and well informed so if someone is saying something completely idiotic you have no patience in dealing with them. You are very likely to tell them they are saying something ridiculous or you will simply say nothing at all and blank them completely while looking at them with a face that says a thousand words!

People with no drive frustrate you.

As a very driven person you get very frustrated at people that seem to have no get up and go or ambition. You probably find that most of your friends are very similar to yourself and have a drive for success. When dealing with someone with little drive you are likely to want to stick a bomb up their jacksie and will not hesitate in telling them to shake themselves into action, and quickly.

You are very open.

You don’t have any problem being open and honest about your own life. You’d quite happily discuss your sex life or your partying habits or your latest problem with your partner, but some people don’t like this and get embarrassed with other people’s openness. You probably always wonder why people have a problem with openness, but it won’t make you stop. You’ll still continue to be open not matter what anyone else says.

Girlfriend or boyfriend has always been used to describe our other halves, but sometimes members of the LGBTQ community are not comfortable with using these terms. It’s easy to understand why.

For example, girlfriend or boyfriend is the generic term for heterosexual couples to use for each other which implies a strict gender identity. Many people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer the terms boyfriend or girlfriend is a constant reminder that society only views gender as man or woman and there is no area in-between. It pushes trans people out of the romantic language completely.

That’s not comfortable for transgendered people so they tend to prefer the term partner which doesn’t identify a gender.

The other issue is what the word girlfriend or boyfriend implies. To heterosexual couples it simply means you are dating and in some kind of relationship, whether it is serious or not. But for lesbians that’s not so straightforward and it’s hard to explain to people outside of our own community.

For example, if you are in a casual fling, is the other girl your ‘girlfriend’? Are you ‘girlfriends’ if you occasionally hook up romantically but both agree not to date? In the case of lesbians and the complicated structures of our romantic status, the term girlfriend implies a relationship whereas the term partner doesn’t hold these connotations.

Another thing to consider is for those who are perhaps not out to everybody or are not comfortable telling people about their sexual identity. For example, using the word partner won’t bring unnecessary attention to your sexual orientation. When we meet someone for the first time it’s hard to tell if that person is homophobic and it might cause you problems if you out yourself to them straight away, especially if you are meeting new colleagues at work or are surrounded by a group of people you don’t know.

In situations like these, using the word partner can protect you in uncertain circumstances. Of course, some people don’t care what others think and will use the term girlfriend or boyfriend whomever they are talking to, but not everybody is comfortable doing this.

Some people in the LGBT community are very happy to use the term ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and that’s fine. It is a case of what works best for the individual. But it seems that many of us are now using the word partner a lot more simply for the fact that it doesn’t imply things we don’t want it to imply and it’s a way of avoiding labelling, gender identity and homophobia.

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In a world filled with dating game shows, hugely popular love songs, and more romantic comedies than you can shake a stick at, it seems like people love looking for “the one.” Yet, somehow, most people have a hard time figuring out who their “one” really is.

It’s a little sad, actually – whether you believe in the idea of “soul mates” or not, you’ve probably looked for yours. In fact, I think most people who don’t believe in soul mates are just guarding themselves from the possibility that they might not find that person.

This is just my opinion, of course, and I’m the type of person who believes that you can have multiple soul mates, at different points in your lives. What do I know, anyway?

Regardless of how you feel about the search for “the one,” here are 10 surefire signs that you’ve found her. Now, marry that woman (if same-sex marriage is legal in your area and you believe in marriage, of course), pronto!

1. You don’t have to hide who you are.

Sure, a good girlfriend is going to compliment you when you look nice, or when you’ve accomplished something. But “the one” is on another level. She doesn’t care what you look like, or how long it’s been since you’ve showered (but she might give you a gentle reminder if it’s been more than a couple of days). You’re comfortable together, because she loves you through all of your imperfections.

2. You have similar goals.

Do you and your girlfriend have a basic plan for what you want out of life? Most people have at least some idea, at least for the big things. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Do you have compatible political views? These things are so much bigger than where you want to travel or what job you want to have in 10 years.

3. You don’t “fight” – you talk things out.

Technically, talking through things is still fighting, but it’s fighting fair, and that’s what’s important. You take comfort in knowing that you can calmly work through things, and a minor disagreement isn’t going to be the end of the relationship. (Besides, you still get to have the make-up sex anyway.)

4. You feel lucky to have each other.

If you both feel like you’re the luckiest person on the planet, you sort of are. Your partner should totally support, respect, and appreciate you, and you should be able to offer her the same in return. You freely share gratitude towards each other, which makes you feel even luckier. You know that, at the end of the day, you get to come home to your best friend… And that’s something special.

5. You’re both committed to making the relationship work.

You aren’t going to see eye to eye on everything, but “the one” is going to be right there next to you trying to picture things from your perspective. The effort that’s needed to maintain the relationship doesn’t feel so much like “work” as it does like “an investment,” and you know that she’s going to help you get through whatever you’ve got going on.

6. The only thing you need for “a great date” is her.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to a 5-star hotel or a 2-star lesbian bar: Being with her is exciting. And it’s not because she finds all the hidden gems, it’s because she is the hidden gem. You’d be just as happy to sit in your living room floor with a bottle of wine, because her company is the greatest attraction of all.

7. Your friends and family like seeing you together.

Some people have friends and family who are happy when they’re dating anyone – regardless of whether or not the person is good for you. Other friends and family members might automatically hate anyone who takes the attention away from them. But if the people closest to you, whose opinions you trust and value, think she’s good for you… She probably is.

8. Yes, she loves you, but she does so much more than that.

Don’t get me wrong – love is super important. But it’s not the most important thing. When you find a partner who truly respects and supports you, someone who really makes you feel safe and confident, you know she’s something special. She should compliment your life in all the best ways, and thankfully, she does.

9. Your intuition says she’s the one.

If you think she’s the one, there’s probably a good reason for it. Most people are much better judges of character than we’d like to believe (even if we ignore those judgments sometimes). If your heart and your gut say she’s the one, your mind is probably telling you that, too.

10. She brings out the best in you.

It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about pushing you to be the best version of yourself. A good partner will accept you as you are, while a great partner will help remind you of what you can be. But again, it’s not about changing you – it’s about inspiring you to see the person you can become, and motivating you to become that person.

Most people tell at least a few white lies on their profile. (80%, to be more precise.) Sometimes, people fabricate the entire profile – avoid these people whenever you can. Here are the top 10 lies that plague the online dating world.

How many of these things have you lied about?

They probably don’t make as much money as they say they do.

According to Greg Hodge of beautifulpeople.com, the listed salary on someone’s profile may be inflated by as much as 40%. A study by OKCupid put the number closer to 20%, but that’s still a huge number of people lying about their financial situation. It’s generally considered better to leave this one blank than to lie about it, though – do you really want to be with someone who only wants to be with you if you make 20-40% more money than you actually do?

They probably don’t have the job they said they did, either.

According to the Beautiful People survey, as many as 32% of women lie about what job they hold. (This is less than 42% of men who lie about it, though.) The strangest thing, to me, about this statistic, is that women downplay their job, to keep from intimidating a date with their intelligence. But do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value your intelligence?

They probably aren’t “athletic and toned.”

This is another one of those “mystery lies” – as in, it’s a mystery why anyone would lie about something that’s going to be super obvious once they meet face to face (or when someone flips through their pictures). It’s a safer bet to be honest, and understand that anyone who isn’t actually OK with your body type is a waste of your time anyway.

They lie about their lifestyle.

As many as 16% of people lie about their financial situation, according to the Beautiful People study. 5% lie about how well-traveled they are. 5% lie about what kind of car they drive. Thankfully, these lies generally happen in the long answer section, and they’re easy to pick out. Watch for a lack of “I” statements (i.e. “Love to travel,” as opposed to “I love to travel”) and super-short descriptions. Toma says, “Lying is cognitively taxing” and leaving out the “I” in their sentences helps them to distance themselves from the things they’re lying about.

They’re shorter than they say they are.

As someone who’s always been attracted to shorter women, it baffles me that people would lie about this. In fact, a study by OKCupid says that shorter women are, in general, more likely to get attention, so it’s best to just tell the truth on this one.

They lie about what they’re into.

I know we’ve all seen the “lesbians” on online dating profiles who already have husbands they’re “faithfully devoted to,” but the lies actually go a lot further than that. According to Toma, users take advantage of the ambiguity surrounding their hobbies and interests. If someone says they’re into “sports,” for example, there’s usually no mention of whether they mean playing or watching – or how long ago they last participated in their “hobbies.”

They’re probably heavier than they say they are.

Since our weight tends to change from day to day – and, to be fair, even within the same day – it’s unreasonable to expect someone’s weight to be exactly what their driver’s license or dating profile says. However, most women subtract (an average of) 8.5 pounds, or almost 4 kg, from their weight when making their profiles, according to Catalina Toma, PhD.

They lie about who they know.

If someone is name-dropping a celebrity in their profile, it’s probably a lie. Hodge says, “We’re in a celebrity-driven culture,” so people equate name-dropping with a person’s status. Also watch out for photo-op-shots, because most of the time, it was a one-time thing – a photo of someone standing next to Lady Gaga probably happened at a concert, not at Gaga’s private birthday party.

They may be up to ten years older (or younger!) than their profile says.

According to a study by Beautiful People, about 17% of women lie about their age on their profile. Most women only go 1-2 years in either direction, while others “round down” to the nearest five-year mark. Some women even changed their date of birth by as much as ten years!

They lie about what they look like.

This is usually done through photos, which used to be considered solid facts – until technology took over our world. Now, it’s easy to manipulate a picture so that you’re not even recognizeable. Not to mention, it’s always been easy to just use a “bad photo” (with poor lighting or a low-quality camera), or to simply use an old photo. According to Toma, your profile photos should be no more than a year old, and you should feature one face shot, one body shot, and one shot of you doing something you actually enjoy.

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I’ve probably said it a thousand times so far in my life, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more before the fad dies out: I love social media. It offers you a simple, efficient way to keep in touch with the people you care about, without having to leave the house and do the whole people-ing thing. Since I now live at least a 3-hour drive away from almost everyone who means anything to me, social media offers me a way to be there without being there.

But, for all the wonderful things social media does for us, it can’t do everything. As it stands, the technology just isn’t there to replicate real human behavior. After all, most people’s social media posts are carefully screened before posting, to provide exactly the sort of image they want to provide to onlookers. We notice these differences when they’re people we see all the time, but for some reason, we forget when it’s people we don’t see often.

The old-school-rules for social interaction still apply, and the best way to show someone you’re there for them is still actually being there for them. If you want to make sure social media isn’t the full extent of your social behavior, here are 6 ways you can show someone you actually care about them. (But you should still probably like that selfie anyway… Just in case.)

1. Surprise your friends and loved ones with a visit.

All too often, we get so wrapped up in our day-to-day lives that we forget to make time for the people we care the most about. (I’m really, really bad about this… My girlfriend threatens to hide my laptop when we travel.) Of course, social media isn’t the only factor involved here, but checking in with your friends and family on Facebook or Instagram might give you a false sense of closeness. Remember: The virtual world isn’t “really there.”

Showing up to see someone, however, shows that you actually do care – enough to take time out of your busy (or antisocial) schedule and drop by. While your friend who works from home might not like the “surprise” part of this (we freelancers really are a fickle bunch), but if your loved ones have a consistent schedule and you can swing by for a few minutes, I’m sure it’ll make their day. (Assuming, of course, that they consider you a loved one, too.)

2. Call instead of texting.

As easy as texting is (and as much as the radiation from cell phones is probably bad for you), calling is still a lot more intimate than texting. Think about it: How many times have you texted “lol” with a totally straight face? It’s not like that on the phone. We’re more likely to actually laugh when we hear someone else’s voice. I think it’s something about internal monologues (aka that voice in your head that reads things for you) versus actual dialogue… But I’m not a scientist.

This is definitely something some people are better at than others. My girlfriend can have a totally succinct, totally meaningful phone conversation every single day. I, on the other hand, need at least 3 days’ notice before I use an automated phone system, and even longer if I actually need to talk to a person. Still, even those of us who “hate talking on the phone” generally feel happy when we hear the voice of someone we care about. (Even if it’s in a message on our voicemail.)

3. Kidnap them.

I’m not talking about something super creepy where you throw them in the trunk and feed them bits of bread and water for days. No, I’m talking about kidnapping your friends for an impromptu road trip. There’s something confusingly magical about being stuck in a cramped space with people who mean a lot to you… It should be totally horrible, but for some strange reason, it’s not.

Anyone can send a card or a letter, or buy an awesome birthday present that we happened to get for an incredible bargain. But how many times in your life have you taken an unforgettable adventure? Now, when’s the last time you did it with your squad? If you can’t remember, you’re probably overdue.

4. Give them your attention.

We’ve become a society fixated on getting more done in less time. I’m definitely guilty of this one, as a look into my planner will soon show you. But, realistically, multi-tasking is a total waste of time, because you’re splitting your already-limited attention in multiple directions. It’s taken me a long time to break this habit, but trust me on this one: Multi-tasking is a lie. When you try to multi-task, you’re really not even single-tasking. You’re half-tasking, at best.

When you’re spending time with people, it’s the same thing. Put the smartphone away and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Angry Birds and Instagram can definitely wait until you’re not doing anything else. Your friends are here now, and who knows when you’re going to see them next?

5. Tell them you love them.

When’s the last time you said “I love you” to someone other than your significant other? Most likely, it’s been far too long, and it was brought on by a rough time – either yours, that they helped you through, or theirs, that you helped them through. It’s sort of messed up, if you think about it – somewhere along the way, we’re conditioned to think that romantic love is the only love that matters.

It’s always been really hard for me to tell people I loved them, whether they were people in my family, my friend circle, or even the people sharing my bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the love – it was because I was taught that infinite love is weak. It’s not weak. In fact, loving yourself and others is one of the strongest things you can do. (And, if you’re feeling it, you should say it, just to make sure they know.)

6. Be their offline support system.

A supportive Facebook post or Instagram hashtag can be a nice way to acknowledge that you’ve noticed your friend going through a rough time. Sometimes, you really just need someone to show up and give you a hug. If you’re close enough to be a physical presence in someone’s life, and you know they’re going through a rough time (or even just suspect it), you should be willing to go see them and show them how much you really care.

It can be really awkward to be around someone who’s going through something rough, and that might make you want to shy away from the idea. But that’s exactly why it means so much when someone comes to cheer you up when you’re down. The willingness to just be in the presence of one another leads to the greatest feelings of love that friends can share – and is your schedule really so full that you can’t make your friends feel loved?

We talk a lot about how to have a healthy relationship here – but have you ever wished you had a handy checklist to see if your relationship passes the test? Even the most confident among us wouldn’t mind a reminder from time to time, and evaluating where you stand helps give you a roadmap to where you want to stand. This reflection also prompts you to celebrate and show gratitude for the things you’ve already got going for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s an important step in understanding your own personal truths.

We’ve gathered up 9 qualifiers for a “healthy relationship,” in no particular order. How many are already present in your life – and how many do you still need to work on?

1. You communicate purposefully.

It’s not about “letting thing slip out” versus keeping them to yourself – it’s about making a conscious effort to talk about what’s right and what’s wrong, in your relationships as well as your life as a whole. Your partner is there to support you through the good and the bad, so make sure you’re opening up to her. You make sure your words are supported by your body language, too, because you know that’s just as important.

Purposeful communication means that you aren’t shying away from the awkward or uncomfortable subjects. You’re talking about your relationship from the standpoint of trying to save it – so you’re going to talk about the things that need to change, and the things that need to stay exactly the same. Of course, you take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but you know that doesn’t mean denying your own.

But you’re communication isn’t all negative – it’s also heavy on the (sincere) compliments. Remember that we all need little reminders that things are OK, and your partner is no different. When she looks or smells nice, you tell her. When she’s opened your eyes to a situation you hadn’t considered, you thank her. When she doubts herself, you remind her how amazing she is. You make an effort to let her know that she is appreciated and loved, because she is.

2. Trust is implied.

You don’t feel the need to “ask for permission” before doing things – but you still check with her first. You trust each other’s discretion, and if something needs a quick answer, you’re both confident that your partner would make the same choice you’d make. If something needs clarification, you’re going to ask, because you know the answer is going to be the truth.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all – it’s a twisted manipulative game between two (or more) people. If the person you’re with doesn’t trust you, she’ll never be able to trust her own thoughts about you – regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. In fact, whether the mistrust is “insecurity” or “intuition” is really irrelevant. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you.

It’s important to explore those feelings of mistrust, but not as they pertain to your partner – rather, you should explore how they pertain to you. Does the mistrust come from something someone else did to you? Does it come from something you haven’t forgiven your partner for yet? Does it come from somewhere else entirely? Evaluate your feelings first, and then figure out how they fit into your relationship.

3. You have a selective-honesty policy.

Obviously, healthy relationships require honesty and trust – but that doesn’t mean that they need absolute honesty at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s better if you use a little honest discretion. That doesn’t mean covering your own tracks, but it does mean that you take the time to filter the information to keep your partner’s feelings intact. Does she really need to know that you can’t stand her mother, or can you suck it up for her happiness?

So, which topics do deserve full disclosure? Your own personal boundaries are going to come into play, but at a minimum, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, as well as your (romantic or sexual) feelings for others, unless she has specifically asked you not to. If you share financial responsibilities, you’ll need to be totally honest with that info, too. (Even if you don’t share finances, I recommend about 75% honesty – your partner may be willing and able to help you in certain situations.)

Everyone tells little white lies, though, so would it kill you to tell her she looks gorgeous when she has the flu? Probably not. She might not believe you, but it’ll probably make her smile (at least on the inside). And if you think her sister is annoying, definitely don’t be the one to bring it up. You never know what effects your words might have.

4. You have total respect for one another.

Respect is one of the bare minimums for a healthy relationship – whether romantic or not. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it’s almost impossible to do that with someone you don’t respect. If you can’t muster up the minimum of respect for your partner – or if she can’t show respect toward you – you need to move on before things get seriously ugly.

Respect for another person doesn’t always mean that you agree with everything they do and say. In fact, most people you respect will have ways that they disappoint you. But respect is the difference between embracing that difference of opinions, as opposed to blowing up and causing a scene. A relationship that’s lacking in respect is simply an “arrangement.”

Respecting your partner also entails appreciation, and you respect her by acknowledging the things she does for you (without making a big scene if she forgets to say “thank you” every now and then). We all have off-days, but rest assured that one bad mood doesn’t mean she’s suddenly lost her respect for you.

5. You generally make each other happy.

Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t be an emotional roller coaster. The trust and respect you have for each other should make you happy, at least most of the time. You’re going to have your bad days, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make you sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

What ratio of “good vs. bad” is right for you? Well, there’s no precise answer here. Relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and only you can decide how much of each you can handle. But a relationship that makes you sad, uncomfortable, or angry more often than it makes you happy is bad news.

You’re allowed to be annoyed with each other. It’s inevitable, actually, especially if you decide to live together. That doesn’t mean that your happiness is over – as long as you’re willing to talk through it and get back on the right path.

6. You have days where you can’t stand each other.

Every now and then, those rough days are going to be extra rough – especially if you’re cramped in the same small room for most of your free time. It’s completely normal to have days where you just want to be alone, and space doesn’t necessarily mean a break-up is on the horizon.

These rough patches may stretch on for days, weeks, or even months. They don’t happen all the time, though, and even if you mentally make a pros-and-cons list, you don’t want to leave long-term. Maybe for a day or two, but only so you can get your head on straight and work through the problems.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is give each other some space. There’s a romanticized idea about living your life together and not needing anyone else, but that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, people get on each other’s nerves – even if they’re completely in love with each other.

7. You’re comfortable doing your own thing.

While there are some people (ahem: film directors) who think that instant, immersive love is the most romantic kind… It’s not the most sustainable kind. Once you get past those initial butterflies and the corresponding lust, you’re going to mellow out and go back to doing your own thing. You have your own friends, and your own hobbies – you’re not attached at the hip.

One of the most important things about having a healthy relationship is that the rest of your relationships need to be healthy, too. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stress-inducing to spend time away from each other. In fact, it should be uncomfortable if you don’t spend time away from each other sometimes. (And, if it’s not uncomfortable to you, it’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable for your partner.)

It’s so important to remember your individuality when you’re in a relationship. You’re not suddenly a half a person, just because you have a girlfriend. You’re the same whole person you were when you didn’t have her – but now you have someone to come home and tell your stories to. If you never do your own thing, you’ll never have your own stories.

8. You don’t shy away from confrontation.

Although fights can be uncomfortable, they show that you are passionate and invested when it comes to the relationship. You’re not going to let your partner walk all over you. That doesn’t mean you’re nagging about every little thing – it just means that you’re ready to stick up for yourself, and for your own happiness.

Aside from giving you an outlet to vent your frustrations, confronting a problem is the first step in fixing it – and when things have been bothering you for a while, you’ll wish you talked them out before you started to boil. Talking through the tough issues is one of the easiest ways to get around a problem.

Now, what happens if all you do is fight and argue? Of course, that’s not a good sign either, and if you feel like you’re fighting more than you can handle, you’re allowed to say so. Even the strongest love in the world isn’t worth the pain and agony of constant bickering.

9. You have boundaries, and you enforce them.

“We culture” is highly romanticized – but it’s important to remember that romanticized things are rarely actually romantic. That’s definitely true of giving up your autonomy, too. You are allowed (and encouraged) to set your own boundaries, and to regularly define them with your partner. It’s not healthy to put all of yourself into a relationship, and letting your partner know the things you won’t stand for gets rid of any confusion from the start.

Your boundaries might seem unloving, uncaring, or unsympathetic, but sometimes (read: “usually”) it’s important to think of yourself first. We’re a culture that’s been conditioned to think that other people’s opinions of us are the most important thing, but they’re not. We are our own “most important thing,” and the things that other people say don’t have to be a factor at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust or respect her. It just means that you respect and love yourself enough to know what you can’t handle, versus what you can – and you’re brave enough to draw that line in the sand. Now stick to it!

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