Every now and then, the situation will arise where you’ll want to add a new element to your sexual repertoire, but you might not know how to do it. It doesn’t always need to be anything fancy; sometimes all you need is a chair or two. In fact, we have searched the internet and compiled a list of the best sex positions that utilize a chair. Read on to find some new inspiration.

9. Love Seat

You will need a chair, a couch, or (as the name implies) a love seat for this position. Seated next to each other, you can use your hands to pleasure each other – either individually or at the same time. For an extra sexy bonus, consider trying this at the movie theater or under a blanket (just please keep it away from kids’ movies or places you could be arrested!)… The addition of the sneakiness is sure to get the juices flowing. Make sure you don’t get too loud, though, or you’re bound to get caught!

8. Head First

You must exercise a bit of caution with this position, as the blood may rush to the receiver’s head and potentially render her unconscious if you’re not communicating effectively. In order to achieve this, the “giving” partner will be seated in a chair, with the “receiving” partner straddling her lap. Very carefully, the giver should assist their partner in leaning forward so that her head is facing the floor. (I recommend using a cushion under your arms for a more comfortable support.) Once you’re properly positioned, the partner who is seated is free to pleasure whichever parts of the receiver that she wishes. The receiver will undoubtedly feel a bit vulnerable in this position, but with adequate trust and communication, this should only enhance the pleasure.

7. The Stronghold

You will need two chairs of the same height in order to get into position. Each partner will be seated at the edge of one of the chairs, using her arms to support herself – make sure that you are facing each other. Tangle your legs together and press and rub your pubic bones against each other. This variation on typical tribadism allows for a new angle and some increased support in order to rock each other’s worlds. Keep in mind that this can take a fair amount of practice in order to successfully pull it off!

6. Welcome Back

The giving partner will need to be seated in a fairly low chair. The receiving partner will then bend over in front of her, allowing for oral pleasure from behind. Be sure that you don’t use a rolling chair for this as the partner who is bent over will likely need to support herself on the seated partner’s legs. The partner who is bent over is also able to pleasure the seated partner with her hands or a toy.

5. Best Seat in the House

When you want to be in complete control of your partner, it could be as simple as sitting in a chair (or on a stool) and commanding her to go down on you. The receiving partner is able to hold onto the head and/or shoulders of her giver for extra control, if desired. Both partners are sure to be turned on by this wonderful “feast” – and the view’s pretty great, too!

4. The Naughty One

This position allows for a total view from behind, which can be loads of fun! One partner should be seated in a chair, with the other partner standing on a chair of similar size. The standing partner will need to support herself, so make sure that her chair has a back of adequate height to bend over (and neither chair should have wheels; dining room chairs work perfect – as long as you live alone!). The seated partner can then use her hands, a toy, or her tongue to please her partner while taking in the wonderful view.

3. Joystick

One partner should be seated in a chair, with one foot on the floor and one foot on the chair itself. This works best if the chair is slightly reclined, with ample seating space; definitely not one for a dining room chair. The partner who is to receive the stimulation is then to climb on top of your leg, straddling your thigh, so that she can rub her clit against your leg. She can even grab your lower leg in order to maneuver you to the position that brings her the most pleasure. It might not make your everyday routine, but it’s certainly something to try!

2. High Voltage

Be aware that this position will cause a bit of a head rush for the receiving partner, but with proper precautions it’s sure to be a hit. One partner (the giver) will be seated in a chair, while her partner is kneeling at the sides of her legs, facing the floor. The seated partner can then provide intense oral pleasure to her partner with this seated variation of the traditional 69 position. However, due to the angles you’re at, it will be nearly impossible for mutual stimulation. This shouldn’t be an issue, though, as the partner who is receiving will already be in a rather vulnerable position and should be catered to in order to guarantee her orgasm before all the blood fills her head.

1. In a Spin

Essentially, this position is just scissoring in a chair. It can be a bit tough to understand the angle you need, but once you have it down the rest is really self-explanatory and guided purely by pleasurable intuition. Seated facing each other in the same chair, you will need to intertwine your legs and rest your clits against each other. From there, you can guide each other by grabbing hips, as well as rocking yourself in order to satisfy yourself – which will ultimately satisfy your partner, as well.
Once you have mastered all of these positions, it’s time for you to start expanding your options. Get creative! That’s what passionate sex is all about. If you’re seeking to add some more spark into your love life, sometimes all it takes is a bit of out-of-the-box thinking to really get the juices flowing. Remember, there are no wrong answers – just things you haven’t tried yet.

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When we think about our sexual fantasies, we may think that they are rooted in a psychological problem. Sometimes, if we fantasize about someone who isn’t our partner, we may be worried that these fantasies put us at risk of acting on them – however, that’s not always the case.

In most situations, our fantasies are just that: Fantasies. Being able to act them out in our mind is often enough for most of us, and if they aren’t, our partners may be willing to accommodate us to a certain extent. It’s only when this “certain extent” isn’t enough for us that there’s any real cause for concern, and even then, it’s iffy.

Fantasizing about someone else

This is, believe it or not, the most common fantasy out there. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to cheat on your partner, and should only be considered an indicator of this if you actually have a strong leaning towards being unfaithful. Even then, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you – only that there’s something wrong with your relationship.

Sometimes, we may be drawn to the idea of having sex with whomever we please. It’s human nature, and anyone who denies that they’ve ever had these types of thoughts is probably lying. However, inwardly, we know the consequences of acting on these fantasies, and we choose to keep them fantasies. Instead of sleeping with the neighbor, we will instead ask our partner to don a costume for a particularly sexy night. Hey, it’s not cheating if the “side girl” is still your girl!

If, however, you are unable to confine yourself to just sleeping with your partner, it may be beneficial to you to seek out an open relationship. It has its own hazards and consequences, of course, but for those who are unable to commit themselves fully to one partner, it may be the best option. Opening yourself to the idea of having multiple partners, while being completely honest with them, will allow you to explore these feelings and determine what they mean from you.

You may discover that you don’t like having sex with other people as much as you like the idea of having sex with other people. This is understandable, as fantasies thrive on the best case scenario, and reality does not. In these cases, you and your partner may decide that openness doesn’t actually work for you after all!

In other cases, you may feel that the sexual activity you share with the other women helps you forma deeper connection with your partner. After all, you are allowed to seek out a partner who is more willing to accommodate the fantasies that your partner might not be comfortable with – allowing you to focus your intimacy on her and her alone.

Neither of these scenarios is inherently “right” or “wrong” – your relationship should be a balance of your needs and hers.

Pornography

A lot of people equate dependence on pornography with sexual misconduct. This, in general, isn’t a fair assumption. Of course, those who are drawn to pornography involving children are, indeed, committing their own form of sexual misconduct and should be dealt with appropriately. But as long as there is no direct communication between the porn “actresses” and the person watching the movies… There is no implied foul play.

One of the easiest ways to drive this particular point home is the fact that lesbian porn is a common male fantasy – but most men don’t actually want to have sex with lesbians. This is because, in their mind, they know that the association of the “lesbian” label means that the woman has decided that she will not, in fact, have sex with a man. However, when viewing “lesbian” porn (which is often just paid actresses who truly prefer men) they are able to act out their internal “challenges” and translate them into something else.

The same can be said for women, as well. I know some lesbians who get off on homosexual male porn – does it mean that they want to have sex with a gay man? Probably not. Often, the idea of pornography is to indulge our inner voyeuristic fantasies, and not to actively participate. Certainly there are some who may imagine themselves inside the movie and interacting with the actresses, but this isn’t always the case.

If your partner is interested in porn and you have a problem with it, it may be valuable to ask yourself where your problem is coming from. Generally, there’s no good justification for banning pornography in your relationship, as long as your partner wouldn’t rather participate in self-gratification than in sexual acts with you. I’ve encountered a lot of women who actually look at porn as if their partner were cheating on them – and I can’t imagine how the connection is made!

Of course, you are free to define infidelity in your relationship in whatever manner you choose, but under normal circumstances, pornography doesn’t indicate any greater problems, and should be encouraged as an outlet for sexual fantasies that you might not be willing to accommodate directly. For example, if I had a partner who were into dark-skinned women, I’d much rather she watch porn involving women of color than to stray to seek out someone else to meet that need.

Domination and Submission

While being aroused at the idea of dominance and submissiveness doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong, we can find a place that it’s typically coming from. As children, we may have been denied some aspect of our formative teaching, which results in our inability to process this. We encode this lack of foundation into our sexual desires – and it takes the form of a “permanent helplessness”.

This permanent helplessness can take either the form of submission (an intentional display of helplessness) or dominance (an intentional display of “proving” your power). Of course, children who are able to address these issues while they are still in their formative years may be able to bypass this, but that’s not to say that they’re automatically a bad thing.

In general, when a traumatic experience (no matter how repressed) is turned into a sexual fantasy, it’s our mind’s way of coping with the trauma. This coping mechanism may not be understood by those who don’t share it with us, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Any way that you find to put a “positive spin” on something that would otherwise be bad is, in general, a good thing.

In most relationships, there will be a sense of balance between the dominance and the submission. This balance may mean that one partner is more “powerful” and one is more “overpowered”, or it may mean that there is balance within each partner separately. I personally enjoy both “roles” at different times depending on my outlook for that particular sexual encounter.

Generally speaking, as with any other sexual fantasies, as long as there is an agreement between you and your partner and no laws are being broken, there’s nothing wrong with a little “deviant” play. It’s only when the need for deviance becomes overwhelming that there is a problem – if you’re unable to orgasm without your fantasies being accommodated, there may be a deeper issue at play.

Naturally none of this is to be taken as medical advice, and if you are concerned I absolutely urge you to seek the help of a qualified psychological professional to address the underlying issues that may be at hand. But if you’re not worried, and your partner’s not worried, there’s probably nothing wrong, and it’s best to keep your personal life as personal as you’d like it.

Who we are in the bedroom isn’t necessarily who we are out in the world – but there are some cues to your personality hidden within your sexual style!

Even the most adventurous among us most likely has that one go-to position that reveals something about their personality. This might be something that doesn’t need to be said, such as someone who only has sex while fully (or mostly) clothed may have some body confidence issues. Other times, it might be something deeper and more hidden. If you are having sex within the confines of a committed relationship, it’s likely that your partner already knows these things about you from outside of your sexual relationship – but wouldn’t it be nice to know what it means?

Of course, we encourage our readers to pursue many different sexual activities (safely, and with both partners consenting), but the things you try don’t say as much about you as your go-to position. Read on to find out more.

Favorite Position: Missionary/Traditional Sex

Many people might think that the missionary position between lesbian partners means that one of them is emulating a heterosexual relationship, as the missionary position is considered the “standard” for straight couples. However, it’s actually pretty standard for most relationships. It’s usually the easiest, and the position we’re most comfortable with. But that doesn’t mean it’s “straight-acting” or “boring”.

Traditional or missionary sex as your favorite go-to position indicates that you are afraid of change. This isn’t always a bad thing, as long as you are willing to spice it up every now and then. The preference for missionary position indicates that you would rather do something you know you can do well than to branch out and possibly fail. It doesn’t mean you aren’t willing to try new things – but you feel more comfortable in your “safety net”.

Favorite Position: Doggy Style

The appeal of this position in the bedroom is irrefutable. There’s something sexy about the act of being “taken”, and doggy style sex eagerly lends itself to this. Whether you use a toy, your hands, or even your mouth, sex from behind is a way to take charge (on the part of the giver) and a willingness to give your body fully (to the receiver).

What this means for your personality is that you’re probably either a “giver” or a “receiver” – although those labels aren’t as cut-and-dry as they may seem. In fact, the one who is the “giver” in doggy style sex is more likely to be the “receiver” outside of the bedroom – that is, they may require a great deal of attention from their partner, and in return they offer their “services” in the bedroom. The “receiver”, on the other hand, is likely to be more caring and dedicated in their actions outside of the bedroom – often giving themselves wholly to their partner in every aspect they can.

That doesn’t automatically mean there isn’t equality in the relationship. If both partners are particularly fond of this position, it indicates a level of balance that often isn’t understood by others, but that’s okay. Your relationship isn’t for spectators – it’s for you!

Favorite Position: 69

This is an implied position of balance. I have often remarked on how the “69” representation looks an awful lot like a yin-yang symbol, and for good reason – the two are in harmony.

If you and your partner both prefer a 69 position, it means you value the most efficient process to get things done. (And what could be more efficient than mutual oral gratification?) You’re likely to be successful in other aspects of your life, because you’re used to balancing the “giving” and the “getting”. You know that it can’t all be work, and it can’t all be play – so you find a way to enjoy the tasks at hand, as well as to turn the “play time” into something you’re dedicated to.

Outside of the bedroom, the couple is likely to share tasks whenever possible. They know that if they are able to get through the “have to” more quickly, they can get to the “want to” more quickly. They also understand that if they can prioritize and multi-task effectively, they can actually enjoy more fun than if they hadn’t taken the time to coordinate.

(It should be noted that “actual” multi-tasking is a lie; often, in a professional standpoint, if we try to focus on multiple things at a time, often at least one of them will suffer, if they’re not in complete symbiosis – but that’s another story for another day.)

Favorite Position: Sitting on Your Partner’s Face

This is a position of control. The person who is doing the face-sitting will undoubtedly be in a position of power in the relationship, and possibly in life outside of the relationship. They are used to getting what they want and will take it if it’s not offered to them outright. They know what it takes to reach their goals and they won’t stop until they get them.

In the bedroom, this often means that they’re the more dominant partner, although that’s not necessarily the case. (I once got on my knees to be taken from behind, and much to my surprise my partner slid herself underneath me instead – this was quite a shock, but in the best possible way!) Even if you know what you want, sometimes it’s nice to have someone else show you what else you might like. We often don’t know what we like until we try it.

Favorite Position: Try Anything Once!

For those who can’t pick a favorite position, it may appear that they are indecisive or hard to please. However, that’s not usually the case. An inability to pick a single position usually implies that they have a wide variety of tastes, which often translates outside of the bedroom. It’s definitely more common to have a favorite than to not have one, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with not being able to choose.

If you or your partner would rather try something new than to revisit an “already tried” position, it means that you value excitement and stimulation. You may be easily bored, but you don’t have a short attention span as may be implied. Rather, you feel that your sex life should be based on new experiences, which requires a great deal more learning and experimenting than those who stick with the routine.

Outside of the bedroom, this may translate to an inability to decide what we want to do with our lives. However, this isn’t so much an indecision as it is a fear of missing out. We may wonder what if we had chosen a different path – so we switch directions. We can’t stand the idea of not knowing every possible outcome.

Sometimes, a lack of a favorite may indicate anxieties and compulsions in the personality. This isn’t always bad, as anxiety and over-thinking stem from high intelligence, and compulsions are seeded in thinking as well. Just because you don’t have a favorite position (or a favorite color, or a favorite song…) doesn’t mean that you don’t like any of them – it means you like them all so much that you can’t limit yourself to just one. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

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Why do some people like rough sex so much?

As humans, we have distinctly different sexual tendencies from person to person. But almost everyone likes rough sex from time to time, even if they’re the sweetest, gentlest people outside of the bedroom. Where is the appeal of mixing pleasure with pain? It’s tough to understand, even from those who are enticed by the idea of rough sex with their partner.

There are probably a million reasons why we may do the things we do, and sometimes they can be different from one person to the next. However, some of the reasons may be psychological in nature, and these can be grouped to help evaluate our individual situations.

We crave it.

By human nature, we crave being scared. Of course, the amount of this craving is different from one person to the next, and it’s important that your partner trusts you to respect her boundaries. But just like watching a scary movie or riding a roller coaster, when we feel safe that we can avoid the situation going out of hand (you can tell your partner to stop, you can shut the movie off, you can trust that the ride has been well maintained) we long to be scared.

This, of course, isn’t true for everyone, but as someone who loves both horror movies and sex that hurts, the connection is definitely there.

For the person who’s being rough, the craving is for the power and the control. Of course, this power truly lies in the hands of the person who’s receiving the roughness – or at least it should. When you are in complete control of your partner and are allowed to take her body exactly how you like it, it’s hard not to get excited – which generally leads us to faster, harder, and more intense sex.

It implies urgency.

There’s nothing sexier than the thought that your partner wants you so bad that she just has to have it now, and rough sex gives us that. The excitement of pinning a partner to the bed to have your way with her is intensely erotic, and usually what we think of when we hear the term “erotic”.

If you think about a “quickie”, for example. It’s not exactly sexy to have sex in the shortest amount of time possible – but if your goal isn’t to have sex quickly, but rather to have sex right that second regardless of what you might have to do in ten minutes… Well, the whole situation changes.

When we’re having rough sex, we’re tapping into the part of our brain that deals with immediate gratification. We’re not as worried about slowly working our way to climax – we’re taking it, and that’s sexy.

It’s an act of pure trust.

All (consensual) sexual activity requires trust on the part of the giver as well as the receiver. However, if you’re participating in rough sex, there’s an extra trust involved. You’ll need to be able to trust that your partner will stop if you need her to, if it becomes too much. Of course, in some cases this may mean a safe word, as we may think we’re done but our partner could have other ideas for us. But being able to trust her to listen to what you need to say, when you need to say it, and not overstep your boundaries is a huge commitment.

For a long time, rough sex has had the stigma of being purely sexual, but in fact it’s more intimate than gentler sex in some ways. Sure, you might not have that full-body skin-to-skin contact that you might have with “more loving” sexual styles, but you’re getting intimate on a much deeper level.

When you trust someone to take your body at their own demand, you are basically telling them that they are a part of yourself. There is an implied “forced consent” here, but in any healthy sexual situations, both partners will know what they need to withdraw their consent if needed – and their partner will honor it.

It doesn’t make you any less “dominant” if you ask your partner if she is okay with things, just as it doesn’t make your partner any less “submissive” if she says she’s not. It’s just a matter of communicating your trust, and if you’re too focused on your labels, it becomes a job instead of sex – and no one wants that.

There are hard and soft lines in any relationship, and rough sex helps bring some of those things to the front. And there’s no rule anywhere that says you can’t cuddle and talk about your relationship afterward – in fact, it’s encouraged!

It’s not a sign of psychological issues.

Many people think that enjoying the “dirtier” aspects of sex may indicate a deeper problem, aside from just a need to be dominant/dominated in bed. However, Dr. George Simon reassures that there is no real reason to make the assumption that these things indicate psychological issues in most cases. As long as your desire for rougher, kinkier sex doesn’t intrude upon your life, it’s perfectly fine.

That being said, there are a few things to look for if you’re worried that it might deal with a psychological problem:

• If you (or your partner) cannot enjoy sex unless in the typical “dominant/submissive” roles – you should be able and willing to change it up every now and then.
• If you (or your partner) always requires “newer, better” sex than the last time – if you’re not happy with “regular” sex every now and then, there may be a psychological tie to the rough sex and possibly your sex life as a whole.
• If you (or your partner) is driven primarily by the search for sexual activity – there is nothing inherently wrong with sex, or even liking sex, or truthfully even craving But if your home life or your work life are suffering because of your sexual urges, this may indicate the need for professional intervention.

Aside from those things (which seem a bit extreme and will probably raise a red flag long before you read about it on the internet!), there’s nothing wrong with rough sex. It doesn’t mean you have a problem, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re going to have a violent relationship outside of the bedroom.

Remember, ladies – sex bruises are sex bruises, and violent sex is not the same as sexual violence! Make sure you are well educated on the difference and keep the lines clearly drawn, for your own health and well-being.

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Looking to get your partner in the mood but not sure how to proceed? We’ve got you covered!

Whether your relationship is still new and you’re looking for a segue towards sexual activities, or you’ve been together for years and you’re looking to bring back that spark, foreplay can work wonders toward ensuring that you’re nice and wet before anything happens.

However, sometimes that’s easier said than done, as it can be tough to think of how your partner will react to your advances – often, your partner needs to already be warmed up before they’re even willing to consider the idea of sex.

However, KitschMix has you covered! We’ve gathered up some of the best positions for getting in the mood that we could find, and summarized them to ensure your success. Read on to learn some techniques that should be in your arsenal. If properly implemented, your partner won’t be able to resist!

Hot Spot

The Hot Spot is a great way to get your partner in the mood for a bit of private time. In this position, one partner will be on her knees, while the other partner is seated in front of her. Both partners will kiss and caress each other; the partner who is seated should be at a perfect height to tease the nipples and rub the clit, while the partner who is on her knees will be in a position of “control” (which can be exciting if you’re into these roles).

Carnal Rodeo

This wonderful warm-up position calls for one partner to be on her hands and knees, with her legs straight. She can then reach around to fondle the partner in back, who will be kneeling behind her. The rear partner can caress her partner’s entire body in order to ensure that everything is warmed up and ready to proceed as you wish.

Skin Deep

For this position, both partners should be standing, back-to-front. You will be at a perfect vantage point to caress each other and warm things up. Although it’s difficult in this position to achieve a full orgasm, it’s definitely a sexy way to get things warmed up, as the partner in front will be able to fondle her partner’s back and butt, while the partner in back will have full access to the breasts and vagina. As far as where it goes after that – that’s entirely up to you!

99

This sounds very similar to the 69 position, but the reality is that it’s more similar to a spooning position. Both partners should be on their knees, in a back-to-front arrangement. Then, you simply reach around to each other and caress and tease. The position itself might make it difficult to reach climax this way, but it’s certainly not impossible.

The Promise

This one is great for when you’re watching a movie and cuddling, and you decide to take it a bit further. The partner who is going to receive should be sitting between the legs of her lover, while the giver is free to explore her body as she pleases. This probably won’t include any penetration, but it can definitely mean a lot of kissing, rubbing, and teasing – go wild! Just don’t be surprised if you end up missing your whole movie!

Special Friends

Both partners will need to be seated in a cuddly position for this to work. The partner who is in front will drape her legs over her partner’s; ideally, slightly elevated so that she can still provide some sexual attention to her partner. Whether you decide to play with each other or play with yourselves, the intimacy and sexiness of this position is sure to offer a great amount of fun for both of you.

The Moment

You should both be standing and facing each other. This is an excellent way to tease each other before you get down to business, as it’s great to be able to explore each other’s bodies without the focus on the sex itself. You’ll be at a fine position to kiss each other’s lips, neck, and ears, as well as being able to caress each other’s breasts, butt, and clit. You probably won’t be finishing this way, but it’s a wonderful warm-up activity that will get the juices flowing and make you want it even more.

Often in more committed relationships, we neglect the need of foreplay, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still important. In fact, it can be even more important once you and your partner are comfortable with each other – and it can be especially great to initiate make-up sex after a painful fight. (But please, for the sake of dignity, don’t try to initiate make-up sex with someone you have no intention of actually making up with!)

With a little bit of practice, all of these moves will be a wonderful addition to your foreplay regimen, and some can even be used in place of “regular” sex for a bit of extra intimacy.

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The importance of sex in your relationship is hugely different from couple to couple – and sometimes it’s even hugely different between people in a relationship together. Sometimes, the sex is the catalyst for the relationship as a whole – in that “rare” situation where a one-night-stand turns into the love of your life. Hey, I’m not saying it doesn’t happen – but usually, the sexual compatibility doesn’t come into play until later.

But what happens if your girlfriend is perfect in every way – she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s attractive, she’s successful… But she’s a lousy lover? Thankfully, even if sex is the most important part of your life (which we all know it shouldn’t be, but things happen sometimes) – sex isn’t a gift, it’s a skill.

Are you willing to teach her?

A lot of the time, a lack of skill in the bedroom is simply a matter of a lack of experience. Women may watch porn and think that this sets them up to be a great lover, when in reality, porn stars are paid to arouse the viewer – not their partner. This means that there are things that they do that look incredibly sexy, but play no part in the pleasure of the person they’re supposed to be pleasuring.

Other times, the woman may be experienced, but no one has spoken up to tell her that she’s lousy. In some cases, this is done out of love – for example, “I didn’t tell you that it didn’t feel good because I thought it would hurt your feelings.” In this scenario, the shock that comes from your confession that she’s not the greatest lover who’s ever touched you will probably hurt more than if her first lover had said it. We can get arrogant about the things we think we’re good at – and finding out that we’re not really so good at them after all can be crushing.

If you are willing to teach her to be a better lover, it can be done, as long as you are willing to communicate and she isn’t sensitive to your instructions. It’ll take a bit of work, especially if she’s not eager to please. But if she thinks that your “tutoring” is coming from a place of love, she’s likely to be eager to please.

Is she willing to learn?

Some women simply don’t care about sex. They may see it as a chore, and therefore they put the minimal amount of effort into it. In these cases, there’s not a lot you can do – if she doesn’t want to learn, she doesn’t want to learn.

In these types of scenarios, I often find myself wondering if the woman in question actually likes being with women. After all, one of the most important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship is the desire. Some women may have higher sex drives than others – but if your woman has absolutely no desire for you, it’s going to be hard to work around.

Even those of us who are completely confident in every aspect of our lives will want to feel that the woman we’re with wants us, and wants to make us happy. Sometimes it’s just a fantasy, but in most cases it should be true. If the woman you’re with doesn’t want to make you happy, you can’t force that – and it might be best to let her go.

Are you hard to please?

In my experience, I know that I am incredibly difficult to please in bed. The vast majority of my previous partners were unable to satisfy me. However, that doesn’t necessarily speak to their skill – I tend to get more pleasure from giving than from receiving, so when I am receiving I end up focusing on other things (like my lack of body confidence, or what I have to do afterwards, or any number of things, really). Of course this won’t be the situation for everyone, but if you find yourself difficult to please, it may be beneficial for you to evaluate your expectations.

Even if you are all-but-unresponsive in the bedroom, there are things you can do to make your sexual experiences more satisfying. I don’t think this is a situation where “fake it until you make it” comes into play – faking an orgasm doesn’t help anyone involved. You’re just frustrated because you didn’t really get off, and your partner is either a) hurt that you faked it, or b) proud of herself if she can’t tell it was fake. Neither one of these outcomes is good.

One of the things that works best for me is to have my partner take extra time getting me in the mood. Sure, sometimes she grumbles about the “extra work”, but she knows the more work she puts into the foreplay, the less work she has to put into the actual sexual activities.

My go-to fantasy for making the best of my sexual experience? My partner will give me a massage, followed by a fair amount of teasing (until I’m practically begging for it), and then immediately after I finish, she lets me return the favor to her. Now, most of the time this stays a fantasy, but even thinking about this hypothetical scenario can help me get in the mood – so it’s worth going to.

Is she trying too hard?

Remember when I said that desire was the most important part of a sexual relationship? Well, there’s a catch. If your partner is too focused on your release, rather than the experience, she could be glossing over the important bits that would lead to your pleasure. It doesn’t always have to be about the orgasm! Sex (usually) feels good. Sure, orgasm feels good too – but it’s not the be-all and end-all.

For couples who are trying too hard to make the sexual chemistry happen, there are two approaches you can take. I’ll detail them both and you can decide which will work best in your situation. (I expect a fair mix of the two, but every situation is unique in at least a few ways.)

Option A: Let go of your focus.

The obvious answer if you’re trying too hard is to stop trying so hard. Seems easy enough, right? But the reality is that it’s a little more complicated than that. Sometimes the partner who isn’t performing well may be an over-achiever, and she’s doing everything in her power to ensure her success – which is actually preventing it.

For these women, I suggest that you take the time to re-connect with your partner in other areas of your intimacy. Get in touch with her inner self – fall in love with her all over again! Then you can learn to focus on the things that turn her on instead of the things that get her off. Sometimes, there will be some overlap – but if you’re just going off what you “know”, you’ll never actually improve.

Take a step back from your sex life and do the little things. Hold her hand! Give her a massage! Make out like teenagers! Whatever it takes to get the juices flowing, it shouldn’t be a race to the finish line. Sometimes all it takes is a slow and steady build-up. And if you can learn to prolong the sexual arousal over a few days, rather than a few minutes, your overall satisfaction will skyrocket.

Option B: Seek out someone who’s more in line with your sexual energy.

Sometimes relationships take work – but it should never be all work. If you and your partner truly aren’t compatible, at least one of you will be compromising the things that you need in order to satisfy the other one’s wishes. It’s okay to admit that you aren’t right for each other, even if it’s over something as seemingly trivial as your sex life.

For many women, sex is an important part of the relationship, and a lack of sexual chemistry can be almost physically painful. It seems a bit extreme, but if you’re really not happy, you shouldn’t stay with the person who’s making you unhappy. We all know it, but we may have some trouble convincing ourselves when the time actually comes to make a change.

If you have tried for an extensive period of time to “fix” your sex life, it may be that the other person just isn’t in line with your needs. Considering no two women are exactly alike, it actually makes sense that you’re going to end up with some who aren’t a good fit for you. There’s no rule that says you have to make it work if it’s not working.

Ladies, let’s face it – our sex lives aren’t always perfect.

Sex is often a bonding activity full of pleasure and emotion. However, sometimes things don’t go as planned. There are so many things that can go wrong, it can be downright embarrassing.

Rest assured, though – almost everyone has gone through them at least once!

“I didn’t wash down there this morning!”

Sometimes we’re in a rush, and we sometimes skip over the “intimate parts” if we don’t think they’re getting attention that day. But life has other plans, and we end up getting lucky that day anyway – but we have a hard time enjoying it because we’re thinking about how we smell.

The truth is, in most cases, your vagina is going to smell worse to you than it smells to others. This is because we’re not particularly attracted to ourselves, so the smell doesn’t smell “good”. Our partners, on the other hand, are attracted to our vaginas – and therefore it smells good to them.

(Of course, I’m not saying you shouldn’t wash your vagina – definitely do! But chances are, your lady isn’t going to mind if you skip a day here or there.)

“I’m wearing my period underwear!”

This is almost the same thing. If your partner had to choose between your underwear and your vagina, which do you think she’d be more attracted to? Your vagina, of course! Therefore, most likely it doesn’t matter if you’re wearing your oldest, ugliest pair – it’s what’s inside that counts, right?

Some women are particularly attracted to underwear, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything when it comes to sex. Very rarely has any woman ever been denied sex on the basis of her underwear (or lack thereof).

“My room isn’t clean!”

If you and your partner don’t live together, sometimes we might slack a little on cleaning. If it’s really messy, you should probably clean up before you try to get lucky – but if it’s just a little disorganized, chances are it won’t have any effect on the mood.

If it is particularly messy, something you can do to help set the mood in the right place is for a classic “maid roleplay” scenario. Of course, it won’t work for everyone, but hey – sometimes it does the trick!

“My partner is bad in bed!”

It happens to everyone from time to time. You’ll be getting ready for sex with someone new, and they won’t know what the hell they’re doing. It’s frustrating for you, but you don’t want to hurt their feelings – so you don’t say anything.

“Oh baby, you’re the best I’ve ever had!”

Generally speaking, lying to your partner isn’t going to help anything here. If your partner doesn’t know they’re not doing a good job, they won’t know what to do to fix it. The truth is, sex is one of the easiest parts of a relationship to fix, as almost everyone can learn to be a good lover. If your lady isn’t getting the job done, tell her what you’d prefer!

“I was fantasizing about someone else!”

Even in committed relationships, sometimes we think about someone else. It doesn’t always mean that we’re not faithful to our partners, and in most cases it’s healthy to fantasize.

What’s not okay is if you’d rather be having sex with the other person – and it’s a possibility.

This is when you border on the territory of cheating, and when it should probably be brought to your partner’s attention. But if it’s something as simple as pretending Scarlett Johannsen is going down on you, there’s no harm in imagining it.

“I’m in the mood – but I feel sick!”

We all know that we shouldn’t have sex if we’re sick. But just because we know, doesn’t mean it’s easiest not to. Sometimes, we really, really want it – but our immune system is set against us.

When it comes to being sick, the same rules apply for sex as do for exercising. That is, if it’s in your head (such as a cold or a headache), exercise/sex can actually be helpful. But if it’s in your stomach (such as food poisoning or the flu), you shouldn’t push it.

Keep in mind that if you are used to doing a lot of kissing during your sexual adventures, you probably shouldn’t if you have a cold, as they can be contagious. (And no one wants to get sick just because they were horny!) But as long as there are no tummy troubles, you should be fine for sex.

“My partner fell asleep before I finished!”

Ladies, let me tell you, I feel your pain. There are many different situations where this might apply.

Maybe your partner was drunk, and wanted to be intimate with you, but passed out right after getting it started. (It’s happened to me before.) This can be incredibly frustrating, but basically it’s a sign that your partner was too intoxicated to be trying to have sex in the first place. The best thing to do is take care of her to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself, and maybe finish the job yourself (if you’re still in the mood at this time).

In another situation, maybe you took care of your partner – but instead of taking care of you, she rolled over and went to bed. This can be pretty frustrating, too, especially if it’s intentional. My personal approach to this situation is to make sure you get morning sex the next day. She gets her beauty rest, you get morning sex – everyone is happy.

A third situation in which this may be a problem is if your partner is oblivious to the signs that you’re in the mood, or she’s just not in the mood to give it to you. This is when it’s important to remember that no one will fault you for taking care of things yourself. Hey, sometimes life gets in the way – and if you care about your partner you’ll forgive her for it.

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In a world full of takers, some women just want to give. What’s so wrong with that?

For most of my sexually-active life, I’ve been primarily a giver. I enjoy every aspect of my partner’s body, and I’ve always made sure she knows it. For the longest time, it’s all I’ve really known.

I think it started when I was a teenager, and I realized that most of the girls I was chasing were “curious”. I already pretty much knew I wasn’t going to get anything out of it, but the idea of giving them pleasure brought me enough pleasure on its own. I enjoyed satisfying them, and felt that I had failed if I hadn’t.

After high school, I began pursuing a different type of girl – primarily the type that would do me wrong. (Hey, we don’t want to think of “jerk” as our type, but it happens sometimes.) These girls didn’t usually match my effort in any aspect of the relationship, so I was used to giving more. I’m a bit of an over-achiever, after all, and I felt it was necessary to make up for where things were lacking.

These girls reciprocated more than the bi-curious girls did, but I didn’t mind doing most of the work. It’s not like I’d ever really craved someone’s touch, after all. I was content with the status quo.

Then, after my fair share of the “bad girl” types, I met someone on accident – someone who was so much different than the other girls I’d been with. She actually treated me right, and wouldn’t even let me do anything for her for the first several months we were physical. She had been through a history similar to mine, and she was a giver, too.

It took me a long time to get so used to this different type of treatment. In fact, I think in some ways I’m still getting used to it. Of course, we’ve negotiated since then, and we now have a more “even” distribution of who gets what. In the end, I feel I’m more satisfied than I have been in the past.

My situation isn’t the only reason women can be over-generous though. Here is a rundown of some of the most common reasons some women prefer to give rather than to receive:

1. She’s not used to it.

As in my story, some girls are used to being the giver. It’s not always a bad thing; everyone has their own preferences, after all. But sometimes when a woman just isn’t used to receiving, she can be convinced to let you return the favor – although it will require a bit more foreplay.

Personally, because I went a long time before receiving any from a partner, it takes a really long time for me to get warmed up unless I’m doing something to her. If your girlfriend won’t let you give her any and you want to – negotiate that you’ll let her give you some first.

2. She may have been molested.

Since one in four women is sexually assaulted at some point in her life, that means you have a one in four chance that your partner has been molested by a previous partner or acquaintance. In these cases, you’ll have to be patient with her – if you force the issue, it may have devastating traumatic effects.

If your partner has been molested or sexually assaulted, she needs you to be patient with her until she can trust you completely. The less pushy you are about the issue, the more likely she’ll get comfortable with the idea sooner.

3. She’s embarrassed about her body.

Hey, I’ve been through those days where you can’t help but focus on the way your legs jiggle when you walk. We’ve all been there at some point – so you should be able to understand why your girlfriend doesn’t want to get naked. However, for some women, these feelings happen much more frequently than they do for most people. Self-confidence issues can put a huge weight on your girlfriend’s shoulders.

The best way to make her comfortable in this situation is to reassure her that she’s absolutely beautiful. Make sure you don’t put in the words “to me” or “today” – while you may think this is sweet, someone with self-confidence issues may read them as “but not to everyone else” or “but not most days”. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s practically programmed into women’s brains at some point or another. Can you imagine how it would feel to be stuck in that mindset every day?

Reassure her that you love her and that there’s nothing wrong with her body. Make her feel beautiful/handsome (depending on her preference) and she may warm up to the idea.

4. She’s on her period.

Many women are uncomfortable with the idea of “receiving” when they’re on their period. Society has ingrained in us that our periods are dirty and shameful. Beyond that, when you really think about it, they really are dirty and gross. There’s a potential for diseases passed through the blood, which is otherwise unlikely in a lesbian relationship.

However, when performed cleanly and safely, sex on your period is a miracle cure. It helps to relieve cramps, it puts you in a better mood, it effectively gets rid of headaches, and it allows you to stretch out your muscles, which makes your whole body less sore. Other than the blood, period sex is wonderful!

There are extra precautions you can take when you’re “getting your red wings”. If your partner doesn’t want to use a tampon to help stop the blood flowing out, you can have sex in the shower. We advise that you do not actually play in her blood, as this is not a safe activity. That doesn’t mean you can’t use a toy or rub her with your fingers, though! (Make sure you clean the toy particularly well afterward to prevent viruses and bacteria from growing.)

It can be difficult to convince a woman to participate in period sex if she hasn’t done it before, though. Once she’s agreed to feel its magic once, she’s less likely to argue it in the future. It’s up to you to figure out how to get her to try it that first time!

5. She gets pleasure from your pleasure.

Some women truly do get more pleasure out of the satisfaction of pleasing their partner. It’s not scientifically clear how this happens, but it tends to be more common in women who are more empathetic towards others and those who enjoy giving in other aspects of their life, too.

This type of woman isn’t so difficult to win over to the receiving side, but you’ll have to be impressive or she won’t give it a second thought. If she can get more satisfaction from getting you off, she would feel it’s a waste of her time if she doesn’t feel as good when you do it to her.

6. She’s asexual.

Asexuality is still a relatively mysterious concept to most people. People often lump their sexuality with their romance, but this isn’t the case for everyone. Asexuals may be emotionally attracted to someone but not physically aroused – and this doesn’t mean their love is any less real.

Because of the confusions that surround asexuality, many women who identify as such will prefer instead to be in a relationship with another asexual. However, the heart wants what it wants, and we sometimes end up with someone who wasn’t exactly the idea of “perfect” we had in our heads.

If you are a sexual person who is in a relationship with an asexual person, it’s important that you are aware of what this means for your sexual relationship. Many asexuals are willing to participate in sexual experiences with their partner solely for the partner’s benefit, but she will most likely not be getting any direct pleasure out of it.

Occasionally our sexuality is fluid, and this means that she may develop sexual desires at some point in the future. However, you shouldn’t try to push it more than she offers, because it may feel awkward to her if she’s not gratified by the experience. With patience and understanding, there’s no set-in-stone reason that a relationship between an asexual and another person can’t be beautiful and healthy.

This is in no way a complete list of the reasons why your lady would rather give than receive, but it does cover the most popular reasons. With a bit of communication, you and your love should be able to work past the differences in your sexual expectations. I wish you all the best, and please don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s a reason you think we missed!

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